Refreshed

Every so often, there comes a day when my skin feels especially like my own, and I feel an added amount of gratitude for it. Today was one of those days. I'm not really sure what it was, other than that God knows the things I need, when I need them.

24 jan 2017

I was in the middle of a midday decompression (aka, lunch hour), and caught myself in the mirror of a dressing room for what felt like the first time at all today. The vertical mirror lights reflected off my eyes and for a split second, it registered that I looked very cat-like. I laughed and took a selfie, because that's what you do in those situations, right?

It wasn't until almost 6 hours later that I finally posted the thing, and the response I got was a quick but real reminder of how the encouragement I needed would come from a handful of strong, empowering women that I have the privilage to know in both real life and through their social media feeds. Another friend from years gone by also surfaced - one who, as part of an even smaller collection of people, stood by me through some of my weirdest years in college, as I grappled with my identity as an adopted Asian-American. It's not to say that I don't feel good on other days, but even with compliments and positivity trickling back in, I felt as humbled as ever by the notion that a simple selfie could prompt others to speak words of light and positivity.

That's what it is, really. It's the constant flow of negative energy that has clouded my social media feeds. It's the uncertainty for our future that weighs on our shoulders - some more visibly than others. It's the division that we see broadcasted across the country, and the fear that we try our best to swallow or ignore, that we are as a country, heading towards complete and absolute self-implosion. It's those thousands of voices that creep into my head when I least expect them to, and I start to lose sight of my own course and the one true voice of reason that really matters.

I went to the gym with this newly-recovered momentum of confidence, and was approached by another person to share the circuit I was doing. I gladly did so, since it had been shared once with me. Another encouraging moment. I finished an exhausting workout and headed home to a protein bar, dinner and my Bible:

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. ::2 Timothy 1:7::

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. ::1 Thessalonians 5:11::

I know this entry is a bit all-over, but as I've said a dozen times before - I love ya'll, but these entries are as equally for my own reference at any given point tomorrow or next year, when I need to be reminded of where my feet and heart stood at any particular time.

And today I feel refreshed. A little lighter in body, heart, soul and mind. A little stronger. A little better than I was yesterday, and a little more confident that I am empowered to be empowering. My hope is that each of you beautiful people out there can find the same peace, and then share it in your own world.

Good Night!
xo | cms

New Small Group!

We are BACK! It's been far too long since we found ourselves in an evening life group session; tonight was far overdue.

For the past couple months, we've been flexing our wings and exploring a new church, which is being planted by members of our previous church. It's closer to home and some of our closest friends from that church have joined ranks in the planting process. After much prayer and consideration, we decided that exploration wouldn't hurt, and if we wound up planted there as well, then so be it.

lightpoint church!

And it looks like we are taking root. Tonight we attended our first session of life group with the Ricks and several others from the church. I'm always a huge fan of life groups for a multitude of reasons, but I think the first and foremost is that it provides a platform for us to do life with each other outside of the formalities of a Sunday morning worship experience.

Tonight we covered a lot of ground in a series that we're processing through, and as an unexpected turn, I accepted the offered challenge to serve unofficially as part of the content and composition editing team. If you're reading this, please go ahead and send a prayer up for me if you wouldn't mind; a large span of time has passed since my English degree has been applied to something in a professional landscape, if you don't count my OCD grammar, syntax and spelling scrutinization of what I actually do for a living.

So yeah. Prayers appreciated, and tonight my heart is full from the time we spent in fellowship with a fraction of our new church family. If you happen to be in the Cincinnati area, and are looking for a church family that can and will accept you as you are and love you where you are, consider this an invitation to come and check it out:

Lightpoint Church Cincinnati

Good night for now, blogbots! 

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 1: Everyday Encouragement

You guys.

It's been over a month since I last published an entry on here. That doesn't sound like much, but I was the girl committed to myself in an effort to visit my e-journal daily, if for no other purpose than for revisiting it later on if I was curious as to what I was doing a year ago on whatever day. Yeah, that's a silly reason, I know, but if I told you it had never helped me out in a moment of memory lapse, well, that'd be a lie. So I've struggled with the big old first world problem of lack of blog time, over really the last year or so. It's more to me than just a blog, really, it's the idea of journaling in general that I've back-burnered all together. Over the past week though, I went out and purchased a composition notebook, and forced myself to sit in complete silence until something..anything.. came out of the pen.

And I realized that my busy schedule wasn't the only issue. I could literally only think of meatless, surface things to say. Don't get me wrong, that's not always a bad thing, but there exists a span of years: 28plus, to be exact - of my life in which I was an avid, consistent journaler, both on paper and then in an e-format as well. I favor at times blogging, because both my mind and my typing fingers partner together at about triple the speed of my writing fingers.

That's my backwards way of apologizing to an audience that I guarantee doesn't really care about the fact that I haven't been keeping up with my daily blogs. Let's face it, it's really not this big of a deal.. *wry laugh. #firstworldproblems #ijustusedahashtagoutsideofinstagram....#again.

Whatever. So UPDATES, huh? What the heck have I been doing?
Well, as I scrolled back through the handful of entries I made between June and mid-September, I think for the most part, life has been a blur, but of the same things on repeat: Sydni's soccer games and practices, work day in and day out, volleyball, road trips, family and friends as much as life allows these days.

OH, and yeah.. that little detail that we GOT MARRIED!

mr. & mrs. stokes | est 08 Oct 2016

And gosh.. what a day that was! (When I get more pictures back, I'll for sure make a retro entry, because it was awesome and then some!) Here I am a day shy of 2 weeks after, feeling both like the wedding day was yesterday and yet a lifetime ago. The collection of married people we know all said that the day flies right by, and unfortunately I've been there once before to know that much can be true, but honestly, while our day did come and go in a flash, we made sure to live in every moment, and for that, it was the exact amount of time we needed.

Afterwards, we came home, back to real life, our house, our adult responsibilities, our dogs, our jobs and our life together now as a husband and wife. It is so similar to "before," and yet so different, which, if I'm honest, kinda baffles me, since our 'regular' life didn't really change. And yet... here I am, feeling more in love with this guy than I did yesterday, and a multitude of other sappy cliched amorous feelings toward my husband. Must be a newly-wed thing ;). 

Then last week-ish, I stumbled across a list of Bible verses geared towards women, compiled [careful not to say written.. haha] by a Marisa Donnelly, on ThoughtCatalog.com, a website I'd literally never heard of before. She'd tracked down 27 verses that had spoken to her - after reading it, it's actually 26, but one of them was listed twice in two different translations. It hit me that in the past, any seasons of writer's block I experienced were more easily dissuaded when I turned back to Scripture and opened my heart and mind to whatever application was tied to my life - in all its mess & beauty. 

So I've arrived now at the reason I finally opened the blog today. I have a renewed sense of reason and purpose to be on here, and I'm excited for it. I wanted to go down Marisa's list of verses, one at a time, one-a-day, and remind myself why I needed that verse, that day. We'll see if that holds true; while I read through the entire list once, I don't have it memorized, so each day will be something of a surprise, I guess? 

And five novels later [sorry], here we go: 

Psalm 46:5 - God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. (NIV)

Sidenote:  For those of you who've never cracked open a Bible before, I implore you to maybe find a Christian - a real-life, imperfect, broken, compassionate, every day Christian - and just... get to know them. Sure, some of the Bible is daunting, and at first glance might look like a manuscript of rules and regulations, but I can assure you, there is so. much. more to it. And If I happen to be that really screwed up, sin-ridden but undeservedly-loved Christian you need to talk to, you let me know.. and I'll let you know just how normal you probably are ;)! Adversely, for those of you who have this postered all over your house on everything from wall decals to coffee mugs, well, it's a good one.

Not the first time I've seen this verse, and it's admittedly not one of my "go-to's," either. It does however, apply in more than one way. See, at first glance, this is one of those lines that I see all over the place, usually in the context of an encouragement card or confidence boost for someone facing a difficult time. It carries that kind of absolute hope & strength of God's steadfast support for when we are tripping over ourselves and other people on our way to not drowning in hard times. It's [ok, most of these are, if I remember.. ] a feel-good verse for sure, and I'll admit I've leaned on it once or twice over the years. 

BUT, as I re-read it today to start this mini-series of my own, I realized that I personally will draw more depth from this if I remember that it applies to me on my very.best.day.EVER... as well as the days I feel like melted plastic. Seriously though: The past week and a half have been ah-mazing - work has gone smoothly, our home life has felt renewed since the wedding, we've had good fortune with cars and house and pets and kid and health and aaaall the pieces have just fallen into and stayed securely in place. And I wake up feeling positive about the little piece of time I have in this world, to recall this verse - this promise that the Lord of all creation is also with me?! To be not reminded, but re-assured, really, that He loves me.. loves my husband, loves my family, my marriage, my well-being and my mission as a human to share His calibur love? That HE is the timeless source of love, life and real, unfiltered happiness.. and that same HE.. has chosen to be with ME, and ensure that I do not fall farther than He can reach? Y'll.... just... y'all... Nobody deserves that kind of love, but the fact that we have it is pa-lenty reason to at least make an effort at a good day. 

And the effects of that realization on the good days are what will sustain me on those particularly bad days, when the ship sinks and I'm blind in dark waters with a piece of the sail stuck to my face. I've been there, you've been there, we've all been ugly crying over life & loss at some point. To fully download this verse in that moment, in the storm, really is impressive if I think about it... usually if I'm inconsolable, I'm.. well, inconsolable. You could read me every song in the book and my human sarcasm might take over, will it away as I might try. BUT, give me this guy on a day when I'm clear-headed, and it'll add to the emergency reserve I'll need when the rain comes. 

I don't know if today's a good day, or a bad day for you, or if you've got a well-balanced mix of them like I do. I don't know if you're here reading this because you're in a dry spell of bad luck, nasty people and pressure to fix things out of your control, or if you're sailing through reading this because you were curious. Or, if anyone's reading this at all. I said earlier that really, these are for tomorrow me to come back and read, when the time is right and I need reminded that a little thread of lucidity did exist that one time on a Friday. But wherever you are, and whatever season you're in, I'm pretty sure we could all use a little encouragement, to fill the tank. 

Happy WEEKEND, blogbots. 

xo | cms <<< and that's new, too.. yiee!

Omniscience.

Today made me happy. For a few reasons:

First, there was church.

Then there was barbeque.

And then soccer.

A homemade drop top guestbook.

Cleaning, laundry, wedding planning.

Snuggles & bedtime stories.

**************************************

So I wanted to talk about this whole mini-series that our Pastor has constructed for us, based on the concept of drones. Yes, drones - those all-seeing aerial cameras that have become so popular over the last several years.

Omniscience. I sat for the morning hour today and listened to things I already know, but decidedly needed put into short, concise bullet points for the taking. See, as we plow steadily through this final phase of wedding plans, I find myself not nervous, but anxious. I'm anxious! The "end" is in sight, and in another couple of blinks, it'll be upon us, and then it'll be over, and this flutter of loose ends will become a thing of the immediate past. The result will be a wonderful party with our closest friends and family, to commemorate the changing of my last name and two people making one promise of indivisible partnership for the rest of our lives.

I can't wait.

For now though, I'm anxious.

Why is that?!

One of the opening passages for this message today was Hebrews 4:13:

Nothing is all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Okay, so let's peel that apart like an onion:

1. There's not a door in the world that's either so thick or so tightly sealed to separate me from God.

2. I'm accountable, both in and out of sight.

3. He's not surprised by anything, and there's ab.so.lutely nothing that is too large a challenge for Him.
(This is a bigger onion, but we'll save the rest for another day.)

I thought about this as I sat among my church family, and realized that (once again), He was making a clear point to me about my anxiety and stress as I plan this wedding.

He sees all. He knows all. He has conquered all. Why then, do I worry? Why do I give in to the pressures of multi-tasking, logistics and coordination? It's not bad stress! It's a good thing, that we have a wedding to plan! It's incredible that we are getting married, and whatever work must be done to create our special day is worth it, no questions asked.

And as I think about what the future post-wedding looks like (which I tend to do at more often than I realize at this phase in the planning), I start to wander off into that field of weeds where uncertainty grows like vines, over rocky ground. Today I was reminded that it's not my job to know the future. It's not my job to carry the past. It's my job only to trust in Him, and accept that whatever He has planned for me, and whatever He has led me through before, is part of the big picture of my time on this earth.

He. Is. Omniscient.
And I am not.
And that, is how I'll start this week.

xo | cmd 

I've Been There.

This one's a little intense.

Little known fact that I'm about to share with you guys.. and a note that I'm just.. putting out in the universe, so to speak, for the girl who reminded me this morning of the places I've been and the places I won't be returning to.

Dear Sara*
*Yes, I changed her name.

You served me coffee earlier this morning, at a place I visit nearly every morning for the same reason: coffee. You were friendly, polite and you smiled. At face value, it was as mundane an interaction as could be for a morning in line for coffee. But here's the thing: Your smile looked tired. Beyond that, you had two very clear, very dark bruises beneath each of your eyes.

Sara, for all I know, those could very well have come from softball. You could've been in a bad car accident recently, and the glasses you wear could've been forced into your face. I have no idea, and while I hope to assume the best in other humans, the reality is often the opposite. So I say this to you: If those bruises came from the hands of another human, well.. know this:

I have been there. I have seen knuckles coming at my face, and I've felt them make contact. I've been shoved. I've been kicked. I've had my back against the railing of a 4th story fire escape, wondering if I'd be pushed over it.  Fortunately, that was the one and the only time that I ever actually thought it might be over. But it wasn't. I hit rock bottom that day, and realized that everything I'd dealt with: every hurtful word, every scratch and bruise, all the money I invested into makeup at the last minute to cover up those scratches. Every time I blamed myself for not being the right type of person to someone who, in the reality of it, really wasn't even worthy of me on my worst day.

Sara, if you feel like that's a self-righteous way to feel, or an entitled thing to say... you're right, it certainly does feel like that when you're living in that moment. It does feel like perhaps you're being selfish, or unappreciative. It feels uncertain, and therefore an even scarier prospect to explore than staying right where you are. 

But I can also say this: That doesn't mean it's wrong. 

In fact, it's very much the opposite. You've probably been told by people who know you far better than me that it's time to get out of that. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. You should walk away. A thousand other solicited and unsolicited bits of advice have likely been handed to you, but maybe nothing more than that, because that would take someone out of their safe zone. 

You should know something: My advice to you means nothing, because well, you don't know me. What I can tell you with absolute truth though, is that you are beautiful. You are alive (and should have a vested interest in keeping it that way!), and you are strong. You are stronger than any and all of this, and while you might not see it in this moment, you really are capable of all the things you've denied yourself for however long it's been. 

Sara, I'll be back to see you probably tomorrow sometime, both because coffee is part of my morning routine, but also because I want you to know that I am here (because I fought for it), and I want to help you. I won't push, but please know that in meantime, I'm praying for you - that if it's not me you choose to confide in, that at least it's someone who is truly willing to help you remember just how worth it you are. 

It's a beautiful day, blogbots - take time today to encourage someone around you - you never know - you could be changing someone's life! 

Peace, Love & Praise ♥

xo | cmd

Back to Reality

I came back to work today, strangely enough ready to get back. The sense of familiarity and normality was oddly comforting in its own way, and when I sat down at my desk for the first time at 7:15 today, I almost felt refreshed. Go figure.

It helped that everything I'd ordered in recent online shopping ventures was delivered in my absence, and sat neatly stacked in a pile on my desk for me: Dad's birthday present, a couple of decals I needed, some of Sydni's LoomBand accessories and these!

color run swag! ;) 

^^ Nevermind that I ordered them on Monday of last week and paid extra for 2-DAY SHIPPING; that's something I'll deal with later. I'd been confident I would receive them by Friday, in time for the actual event, but after having attended, the likelihood of my actually having worn them was about 0%, so minus the extra $6 for expedited delivery, I'm not really that mad. After this weekend, I've determined there are far fewer battles worth fighting, anyway. So yay, CR gear! :)

I was surprised at how non-confrontational the day was; it seemed as though God had specifically instructed the forces that be to remain at bay, for fear of my total unraveling as I clawed my way through switching gears from the weekend's events to life at my desk.

[image cred: instagram @pocketfuel]

Still baffled by the smoothness of the day, I gratefully accepted Jessica's invitation to dinner, but not before we met up with her to pick up the newest addition to her studio:

rower rower come on over! 

I'll see this little guy the next time I'm there at her studio!

So dinner it was, and lounge it is now. We're ready for FRIDAY!!

xo | cmd

This Little Light of Mine

No, not the song.

♥

Today was one of those days that reaffirmed my faith in the world, thanks to the pure, unfiltered insight [& joy] of my own child.

It's been something of a trying time over the past couple of weeks, and it's taken its toll physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The devil seems to have taken special interest in my case lately [likely since he knows he's already loooong lost it], but his aggressive, unrelenting irritants have tried to root themselves all throughout the way here recently and it's all I can do sometimes but just stop... breathe... and focus on what needs to be done.. and then do it without looking back.

And then Sydni came home tonight, and in the midst of a cuddle session - in those moments of peace and silence, she reminded me with her powerful little words that the bigger picture is so much more than sweating the small stuff.

My prayer today was simple:

To continue being a Christ-like parent to Sydni, and ultimately, to model her not-so-little heart and curious approach to the world around her. To live with joy in the face of difficult situations and people, and to exude love & light in everything I do.

I won't live up to that prayer every day - it's impossible. I am human. I have and will continue to fall and falter, but thanks to the great God who loves us more than we are capable of loving each other, I know that it's okay. I can rest. And that's okay, too.

Thank you, Sydni. You have no idea how much your mama loves you.

xo | cmd

Stop For A Minute... And Just.. Look.

Because when you stop and look around,
this life is pretty amazing. 

- Anon.

Today I am grateful for the eyes that saw this sunrise this morning. 

I am thankful for the ears that heard not only the sounds of the city, but the sound of the breeze. 

I am thankful for the nose that smelled the morning lifting off the ground when I walked outside. 

I am thankful for the sensation in my body - the chill of
morning air and the warmth of sun on my face.

I am thankful for a heart dedicated to God, who created this beautiful picture for us all to see. 

I am thankful. I am whole.

Happy Thursday ♥

xo | cmd 

BRAKE For Tuesday ♥

Today was one of those days that flew by at mach speed, but when it ended, I could barely put its contents in the right order.

And it hit me like a brick:

[Thank you, stock photos... haha]

But seriously. Today was the blur of a blur, and my head started spinning without my consent. It was a bad day by any stretch, but I found myself leaning into that natural tendency to feel as though I should start planning and preparing for tomorrow, before today even ended. In some cases, that's needed, but today, no. Today I needed to step back for a moment and recognize the fact that I've got it pretty good. My life's a far cry from perfect, but it's not lacking anything that debilitates me by its absence. I have less than many, yet more than most. There are things I still want, places I want to go, people I long to meet and experiences I dream to have, but if I just..

.... slow...
.... down...
... & just...
........ BE... for a moment or two, I realize that those things are dreams, yes, but the reality is just as beautiful and not worth missing out on.

I can only assume that this is God's way of tugging on my soul to put the brakes on my mind for a moment so that I can realign with every big and small blessing that sits right in my lap as we speak.

So it's Tuesday and I'm... happy. Relaxed, confident and able. :)
I hope you are, too.

xo | cmd

Calming My Heart: The Instagram Way

Something inside me started digging today. It's a culmination of my life at work [which has seen smoother days] and the anticipation of the trip I'm taking in a few short weeks. My mind was restless this morning, unable to focus and stay grounded. I felt like my thoughts were disconnected, scattered and agitated.

It wasn't until I stopped everything and went to Google. I was thankful today for the readily-available plethora of soothing, hipster-printed quotes, verses and adages, aesthetically designed for people going through a moment just like mine this morning. I'm not usually a sucker for posting pre-made artsy renditions of these things, but today it was what my heart needed to re-locate its pace and get me off of the spiritual arrhythmia I was experiencing.

Let me break this down:

When my flustered, bumbling fingers hit the keyboard in search of some small ounce of peace, this is the first thing that popped up:

Oh. Well, okay then.
Deep breaths.. in... and out. Repeat. Now focus, read, download, absorb.

Much of my immediately recent anxiety has been the product of my job. Before I go any further, let me be clear that I absolutely love what I do. I feel that I've been called to do this work, at least for now, and have no intentions of changing gears in that regard. However, just like most jobs, there are patches of turbulence, and it's safe to say that my team and I are in the midst of one of those now. It has been a steady bubble of activity that I have let cloud my resolve and on some days, allow seeds of resentment and bitterness to fester. Try as I may, there are days when my head and heart are exhausted by it all, and I am left to face an 8-hour day without the joy and passion that I know really exist in my work.

^ That showed up on my screen, and the first emotional response I had was guilt.

Guilt. 

I'm not perfect, ya'll. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe not in a long-term capacity, but oftentimes the ability to forgive someone for something within the immediate period of time following what I've deemed an offense... just doesn't exist. I grapple with this a lot, and today I had a heart check that pushed me straight into a prayer. A desperate prayer for forgiveness, and to give forgiveness. I know that when I forgive others, I forgive myself. It's not up to me to decide who is and isn't worthy of truly being forgiven, but it is my responsibility to let go and LET GOD.

^Ok, ok.. I know.. That one's really cliche, I know. BUT, it's true. I had to recalibrate big time this morning. I had to remember that while it seems as though I'm just on repeat most days [while I'm in the moment, at least], the bigger picture has always been, is and will continue to be a reflection of culminating works, actions, responses and growth. It's not just another day, even though this morning was a prime example of me approaching it that way. I was actively pushing back against the stresses of my morning with a malicious spirit, rather than breathing in the fact that I'd done nothing to earn this entirely brand new day I'd been given. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with the God I love, so what am I so stinkin' concerned about?!

And then I boiled down to the next thing causing ripples. This trip to Panama.
But it's a missions trip, Cori... Why is that a bad thing?!

Well, it's not [a bad thing]. It's not at all. What it is though, is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. It's one of those things in life that presents us with a wide range of response options: fear, resistance, placidity, tolerance, acceptance, embracing..... or any combination of those.

It's funny how something new can elicit a whole bunch of emotional responses that we didn't see coming, and oftentimes [as in my case today] don't even recognize until we're knee [or kneck..] deep in them.

I am always amazed at just how quickly my attitude and energy changes when I intentionally channel my focus into a simple but deliberate chain of positive and encouraging thought. As I processed through each of these things separately this morning, I felt my mood and general approach to it all starting to lighten. I felt more relaxed, less anxious. I felt more patient, less agitated. I felt more receptive to whatever the day [& people in it] had for me, and less dreading of those same things.

I could physically feel my heart slowing. I felt my hands convert from clenched fingers to palms with light fingers. I realized that I was forcefully smashing together the small and big pictures of my life as it currently sits, as opposed to allowing the two to compliment each other and cross paths when it was due. I am preparing for an international mission trip, but I also have a daily mission here at home.. and they're not that different when you strip away the travel, preparation and itinerary: Love God, Love People.. Show Light & Show Hope. I am built [we all are!] to do those things.. so...

^ Send me. Send my soul, my heart & my mind. Locally and internationally. Here I am. Send me.

Just so you know, the rest of my day didn't just magically poof into a smooth sail after my mini meltdown and re-calibration this morning. The events of the last several months and whatever people involved didn't just fall down at my feet to cater to my vision of a well-oiled operation. The grind of activity that is standard daily didn't change. There were a couple of 10-15 minute spans dotted throughout the day that actually highlighted the stresses of what we do. They were there to challenge my resolve. To strengthen my endurance, and teach me a thing or two about patience and grace. No, my day didn't warp into a fairy tale. What changed was my attitude.

I am daily reminded to let go, and let God. Worry doesn't provide any benefit to our bodies or minds, let alone to our souls. It's not fair to sit and stress about what is coming. I'm not saying I don't want to be prepared to handle whatever it is that's coming; I'm not saying that at all. I hope I've not conveyed advocacy of cavalier, reckless and without direction approach to life or circumstance, because that's not what I'm encouraging. What I am saying is that we should work daily, in whatever small ways we can to prepare our hearts and minds so that when life does hand us those things, we can react with grace, endurance and love.

And for myself and any of you out there who find yourselves at the bottom of the barrel in whatever it is, here's this:

Saying that it's never too late actually isn't true. When we're dead, then it's too late, yes. However until then, why do we allow ourselves to believe that change isn't possible? It takes a full commitment, yes, but it's possible. It is possible to reconstruct whatever part of us has been broken. The key is making sure we separate our broken pieces from what it was that broke us in the first place, and be intentional not to use both in the reconstruction.

Whew. Thanks for bearing with me, if you did actually manage all the way through my little mini-sermon. This, as most if not all of my blog entries, was written more for myself than anyone else, but if you were encouraged at all by it, then I am happy all over again. I'll leave it in the universe, with the rest of these entries for the taking :).

That being said, every solid sermon ends with a call to action.

Self, here's yours. Quit sitting around in whatever rut of self-pity has taken over you in whatever situation you're working through. Life is not guaranteed, and every decision you make produces a consequence, be it good or bad.

So..

1. STOP what you're doing & just... BE STILL. 

2. GIVE THANKS & ask for what you need through PRAYER. 

3. GET UP and DO SOMETHING about it :) 

Love, gratitude & honor to you all, blogbots!

xo | cmd

Rainy Day Promises

I won't say that I was having a bad day today, but I won't venture out and tell you it was fantastic, either. My life, for the most part, is above average in most respects. I have all of the essential things I need and then some, but every once in a while I trip into a little rut of some sort.

Because I love to self-diagnose, I'm going with seasonal depression on this one. Really, not even the whole season.. just.. the overly rainy days of the season, when all I want to do is see the sun shining and feel the warmth of it, but wake up to, work through and drive home through... rain.

Today's nothing special based on all of that ^^ up there, but what I saw on my way home was like a gentle but stern slap to the face:

Stop whining. See the beauty.  

rainbow!

It hit me so hard that all I could do was laugh. Aloud. In my car, alone. I laughed! What was I so upset about? A rainy day? The fact that I wanted the sun to shine, but would have to wait one, maybe two more days at most? Get a grip, Cori. I trust in the promises that I'll never be given more than I can handle; it's time I start actually remembering that it's true!

 

So I stopped whining, and I saw the beauty of that huge rainbow floating over Beechmont Avenue.

 

Thank You. ♥

 

Amen? AMEN!

 

xo | cmd

"She Is Not Her Circumstance"

Two things for today:

 

➊

I read something absolutely beautiful today. It was simple, and I felt so compelled to share it that I wanted to do so across all fronts, including here.

If you have a spare couple of minutes, read THIS.
It's a simply-written entry by "Erika," one of many writers for the Christian-based blog, A Deeper Story. I have read a few entries there, authored by various writers, and just added them to my following list. Erika shares an encounter that could have amounted to nothing, had she ignored the opportunity to bless herself with the time spent with her new friend, Diamond. You'll have to read the whole thing for that to make sense, but I'll warn you, it's something of a tear-jerker.

I read this, over and over.. and let the words mull around in my brain for a little while. I picture Diamond, a girl whose distorted sense of direction in this world was positioned that way before she had a chance to learn up from down. I picture her as a child, gathering in the world from the vantage point of a child born to drug addicts, to whom she was likely a fleeting priority, if not a nuissance most days. I envision her crying herself to sleep on the nights when she desperately ached to have a strong, sheparding arm guiding her back to a place of hope and comfort, and I am honestly sad. My heart hurt for her as I read that. I see a teenage girl with a skewed sense of self-worth, giving herself over to lustful temptations because she's never learned how to deny them. A child raising a child, and then two, and then three. And then losing them because she is following her parents' footsteps of addiction and disappointment. I see the world meeting her for the first time at the end of a bad day; she's now an adult and the culmination of her entire life up to this point is nothing she could ever explain to someone in the few seconds it takes for them to form an opinion of her. We see Diamond every day, whether it's obvious or subtle.

Reality check.
We are NOT called to decide who does and doesn't "deserve" grace and mercy from us while we are on this earth. By what standards are we going to be measured when we're gone, anyway? The stuff we've collected while we were here? No. The amount of money left in our bank accounts? No.

Our legacy will be measured and defined
by the impact on those left to share it for us.

 

Whoa, is right. I can't look at my daughter and ever imagine her wanting for something that to me seems so ... obvious. Like a hug. Or a safe place to sleep at night. Or for me, as her mother, to keep the world at bay for her safety when I am supposed to. No, I can not imagine that. Nor can I imagine my own life being so upside-down that the idea of stability is just about foreign, something I dream about at night but have little hope of ever actually achieving. There is a very important, pretty much cardinal reminder here: Whether you exercise an open-mind because of your faith, or if you choose to do it solely out of the concept of encouraging another person rather than berate them, just... do it. When we're little, we think we'll live forever. We won't, but there's still enough time to make it count. ♥

And..

➋

I was met in real-life with the perfect illustration that she in fact is not her circumstance. This coincidentally happened on the same day that I read that blog entry up there ^^. I'm sure there's no real coincidence in it all, more of a chronological unfolding of life-application, if you will. I wasn't quite sure how to condense the situation into a brief blurb, but I did what I could:

rant... rant.

^ Now, a couple of things.
First, I was floored by the number of people who chimed in on this. I left the gym pretty ruffled over the whole ordeal, especially since I blew my chance to say something when I should've. They disappeared just a few minutes into my run, and after I was finished, I did a full lap around the place in search of neon matching yoga pants outfits, but they were nowhere to be found. Second, I am sorry. To the woman working out, I wish I would've just paused my workout to drop a line of reality to those two. I think I'm even more burned by my not doing that when I had the chance to do it. It's like one of those times when you've already had an altercation with someone and you spend the next three hours re-playing the list of I-wish-I-would've-said-THAT-comeback's. Yeah, that is exactly what I'm still doing, like, almost five hours later. GRRRRRRRRR.

Tomorrow's a new day, and if I happen to spot them again, hopefully 1] they're actually working out this time, because frankly it's annoying to be dripping sweat while wondering why the person next to you is there in the first place, and 2] I'll be able to speak a reminder of grace to them in an actual graceful way, as opposed to how I probably would've said it today. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't open my mouth; I'm not prone to merciful deliveries in a state of aggravation like that [i.e, things on which I am trying to improve, constantly]. We'll see.

///////endrant.

I'm still fueled about the whole thing. Sorry. I can't seem to let this go. Even while we were at dinner with Kalyn & Jess, they brought it up after having read my tirade on Facebook. I'm not really surprised, but still glad to know I'm not the only person who wanted to b-slap the perfectly-manicured smoky eyes off those two gals. Grarrrrrr...

BUT, I'll focus on this in the back of mind for the rest of the night and probably the rest of the week. Tonight, I did have a blast with Kalyn, Jess and Rob while we ate at Main Street. Chad of course waited us, which meant some time visiting with him and also Cameron, for the few minutes he poked his head out of the back.

"fat thursday! errr... tuesday... *autocorrect! ;)"
- jess

^ This pretty much summed up the table tonight: plates full of burgers, fries and drinks, to celebrate Fat Tuesday. I, not being Catholic, have always known that Fat Tuesday is the Tuesday after Mardi Gras, but never really understood the actual purpose of it. I know, sounds dumb... but, it's never too late to figure it out, which I did tonight... and it makes total practical sense. Sorry, Catholic friends.. I was just a little behind.

*Sigh. It's been a day. I'm ready to crash and do it all again tomorrow. Actually, we're scheduled to throw a Cyclones game into the mix tomorrow night, so that should be fun, too.

See you, then!

xo | cmd

Monday: Before & After

I've so far refrained from the infamous dashboard pictures that plague newsfeeds everywhere each time the temperatures hit high or low spikes. Today however, I just couldn't help it, as I realized that the longer I stayed out there, the colder it got.

yeah... it's cold.

From what I hear, it's supposed to hit a high today of something boisterous, like... 4? FOUR DEGREES. The midwest is having some serious identity issues this week.

On that note, I'm going to give a naggy PSA for all of you pet-owners out there...

It is ... COLD outside. Don't leave your dogs chained up in this crap outside. It's not safe, and you know it. There's NO excuse to leave our pets outside in this kind of weather. If you think there is a good excuse, then find someone who actually CARES for animals and give yours a better home. That, or you go spend the night outside with your animal and see how much fun it is. Negative something degrees overnights? BRING YOUR ANIMALS INSIDE. (:

We were fortunate enough to work indoors today, and when the day had passed and it was time to head out, I headed to Milford to get Sydni, and we were both greeted with this beautiful picture on our way home:

how great is our God?! ♥

In other good news, my headache and pinching sensation in my neck have significantly subsided. I am thankful for that, but beyond that, that I have a body that is still resilient and can recover itself. I am healthy. AMEN!

And also on that note, I can now officially say that we.. are ALL... in the same house together!!!! Sydni, Rob, myself & the pups - we're all here and we are having a blast. This is gonna be a good week! (:

xo | cmd

What Would YOU Give.. For Your Best Friend?

At 8:40 AM this morning, Octavian's surgery started, and Ryan was sent back for final prep.

ryan & octavian *

What's happening?

I grew up with a family from my home church in Mt. Vernon. Our families have grown even closer over the years, our parents have been best friends for at least the past six or seven.

Jenni, one of the daughters, is a few years older than me, married to Octavian with two beautiful children. Their best friends Haylee and Ryan, another couple from my home church, have been very familiar names and faces since as long as I can recall. When my mom told me last year that Ryan's kidneys were failing quickly and that a transplant was mandatory, all I could do was pray. And then, via Mom & of course the breaking newsfronts of Facebook, I found out that after rounds and rounds of tests, Octavian was evaluated as a match for Ryan.

ryan, in dialysis :( *

Octavian and Ryan are best friends.
Octavian gave Ryan one of his kidneys today.

It chills me in both an inspirational and terrifying way to see the lengths we will go to for the people we love. I am humbled by Ryan's journey through all of this, and floored by the sacrifice that Octavian is making. I think about this and wonder what I would do if I were called by design to give such a delicate and functional part of myself for my best friend. Would I do it? I want to say yes, but the very thought of it is frightening.

Or at least it was.

Haylee and Ryan keep a blog, detailing this journey through Ryan's dialysis treatments, the struggles they've faced along the way, but more and most importantly the unwavering faith that has fueled them through every single trying day. Talk about motivated. If you have time, read some of it.
Along with their blog, Footsteps Photography captured moments from the bond and incredible story of these two families that moved me to tears when I first saw them.

Jenni posted some shots this morning from surgery prep.

octavian. jenni. ryan. haylee. *

I don't know about you, but while I saw hospital gowns and monitors, I can clearly saw the hope and confidence on their faces. I know they were scared.. who wouldn't be?!

I trolled FB a lot today, to see the updates that both Jenni and Haylee were posting. Finally, just before 3pm, I caught the first post-surgery updates from both, and just about cried:

aaaaaamen!!!

This isn't even my family but I can't help to be floored, yet again, by the miracle that happened today. What an amazing gift, and what a committment of trust and understanding that the there is no risk that can outweigh love when it comes down to the wire.

The last post I saw from Jenni tonight was a picture of her and Haylee, post-op, gearing to head home to rest up and return tomorrow to the hospital. They look exhausted, but gorgeous!

jenni & haylee .. gorgeous! *

Thank you, Haylee, Jenni, Octavian & Ryan for sharing this day with us and keeping us all posted. [My mom is in tears right now!] God is good, ALL. THE. TIME!

With that being said, Sydni and I are going to spend the rest of tonight cuddled up into a our movie and a Skype date with Rob before we hit the hay.

See you tomorrow (:

xo | cmd

*all photos borrowed from Jenni & Haylee!

✎ Transformation Tuesday : A Less Conventional Version

So lately I've caught on to the rest of my much-more-hip-than-me fellow social-networkers. The now-popular Woman Crush Wednesday, or Throwback Thursday are all over my newsfeeds every week on their respective days. I love seeing them, too; it's great seeing my friends and family as babies, awkward tweens, ragged college students and now adults, all thrown into one montage of photo evidence.

[This is about to be a ranty entry, filled with rambles and fuzz and all that stuff I get into when I get compelled to say something.... so sorry, in advance!]

So it is Tuesday, which appropriately warrants a post about it being TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY!!! [wa-hooooo!! .... yeahhh, I dunno...]

Anyway, so here it is! The big TT photo!

2011 vs. 2013

......... wait, what?
Yeah, I know. It's not a picture of me in a braces or my really swell Richard Simmons hair that I had when I was in 7th grade, or even me in college when I had blonde hair.. sorrryyyyy. These two pictures look way more alike than most that show stages of progression... other than my bangs, there's really not much different on the surface here at all.

... On the surface.

I've been really big on introspection over the past six months +. I feel like an old photograph facing restoration: still the same core components, just dulled and lackluster from time, exposure to elements and lack of proper maintenance. That is actually exactly how I am.

2011

Meet the Me, from 2010:

I had two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.
I had a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I looked healthy, smiled a lot, dotted my i's and crossed my t's.
... Oh, and I was slowly melting on the inside.

Yeah. Seems ungrateful, I know. I was married, too, which I won't fail to mention. I was living my life the best way I knew how under circumstances that had, at my silent permission, gotten far out of my control over just a couple short years. Was I a victim? No. I did it to myself. I had become a people-pleaser, perfectly against the grain of what I would've told any of the young girls under my mentorship in college. "Don't conform to the mold set for you by someone else, if it's not healthy for you. EVER." --- Well.... eat your words, Cori. In the short span of four years, I'd marked residence in four different states, more than six addresses, and for the better part of that time, left to my own devices caring for a brand new human being. Fact: I let that happen. I realized too late that what I'd lost, so far more important than a zip code or a box of belongings, was me. I stopped singing, at least like I meant it at least, I gave up soccer, put away my craft boxes, overcommitted myself to things and people that and who deserved much more from me than a superficial ceding, and found myself following the generic ebb and flow of day-to-day life as it asked me to. I spent a lot of time blaming someone else for things that were partially my fault, for the lack of feeling and emotional drout that had taken over me, because of what I felt I'd given, with nothing in return. 

I kept smiling. I pretended I was okay. I lied to myself and to everyone around me. No, I wasn't nearly on that "edge" that would create panic or worry about my literal life, but I was certainly a shell, happy-ish and complacent, energetic and busy, fueled sincerely at that point by my daughter and making sure that her life reflected the love I had for her, not the creeping sadness I had over many other things. I woke up day after day thinking that eventually I'd have the courage, the gut, the energy and the battle plan solidified to claw my way out of this ugly, plain place that I was.

 

And then I remembered:  

amen. aaaaa-men.

And so I did.

It was a long journey from that day I decided that I wouldn't wallow in self-pity, bitterness and all that other muck anymore. I looked around and realized I'd shut more doors than I'd opened, and it had to stop. I burnt things and people I never imagined I would, especially not unintentionally. I had to do something.

So I prayed.
And I prayed some more.
I cried. A lot. Prayed some more.

 

And then... I started healing. Not on my own, no.. certainly not to any credit of my own. My family, specifically my parents and sister, had become distant relatives rather than undoubted confidantes. I found myself staring each of them in the eyes and realizing the healing had in fact taken hold of things, and that it would be okay. I started being honest, almost brutally so in some capacities, about the things that make me tick or tick me off, and instead of compliance to everything asked of me, I re-learned how to say no.  

 

&& guess what?

 

#truth.

 

& nooooow...

2013!

Meet the Me, from 2013: 

 

I have two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.

I have a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I am healthy, I do smile a lot, & I say to heck with dotting or crossing letters. 
... I'm happy. I'm not perfect, but I. Am. HAPPY.

I'm no longer married, no. While it was at my bidding, I'm still not proud of how it ended or the fact that a marriage I had at all did not work; never was that an intention.. but that's part of my story now and I'm stronger and wiser because of it. I have a boyfriend now, someone who reflects the kind of compassion and love I want to give to someone. He accepts me both at face value and at the core, for who and what I am, but more and most importantly what I'm not. It's a refreshing change of pace I needed. My family is a communicating unit again. I made a few necklaces recently, was propositioned this evening actually for a photography opportunity I will not pass up if it materializes, and when I smile, I mean it. I'm hand-in-hand with the God who brought me through those dark days, who cleared away the film and cobwebs and brought me back to the me that, in a non-conceited way, I loved. I'm a firm believer that in order to love anyone else to the fullest capacity, you have to love yourself, even a little, where it counts if nowhere else, in order to do that. My relationships with friends I previously alienated are in their various stages of repair, Sydni now has two parents who see her more frequently as separate units than they both did under the same roof, and I'm launching into a new professional opportunity that is teaching me something new every day. Plus, I'm back in volleyball, soccer and if you really must know, belting every word to every song I know [& don't know] in the car, the shower and whenever else I feel like it.... which nowadays, is pretty much everywhere.

Let's review, because every good metamorphosis is derived from learning something..

✎I've learned that the God I serve has never and will never be farther than I can reach, even if that reach is barely inches from my side. Never will I ever be alone in this world, and never will my struggle be more than He can manage. I've learned that when I am embarrassed to look even myself in the eye in a mirror for the things I've let happen, He is still there, unchanged.

✎I've learned to well, LEARN! from my mistakes. I've learned to accept responsibility, no matter how grueling it may feel, and to grow from them. I've learned to utilize my shortcomings as fuel for re-forming myself into a person scarred, but not jaded.

✎I've learned that forgiveness is liberating. I've learned that forgiving myself continues to be one of the most terrifying things to do, but that it's not impossible. I've learned that forgiving others, even unwarranted, is a component of growth and maturity. I've learned the true value of a sincere apology, and both how to give and accept them.

✎I've learned to ask for help. [A few of you just fell off your chairs, I know :( ... ] I've learned that I can in fact let my guard down and I will not always get hurt... and hey, if I do, the world will not stop and I will. be. okay. I've learned to seek wisdom or aide from other people, and to do my own research before making brash or uneducated decisions.

✎I've learned the benefit of friends and family. I've learned that if you open yourself to the right people, you will become stronger, not weaker, from it. Specific to Rob, I've learned that it is possible for someone to love back, without reservation, without judgment, but with accountability and compromise. I've learned that my family will never abandon me, and I've learned that my friends are among the most loyal, available and forgiving that this world has to offer.

✎I've learned the power of a child's unfiltered love. There is next to nothing that I wouldn't do for Sydni; I've learned from her that life really isn't that complicated most of the time, and that if we forget to admire simple things, we'll miss the best things.

✎I've learned, quite literally, that time is lapsing, and nobody is getting younger. I've learned to either manage or accept the changes I can't avoid, be they on a global scale or down to the unescapable aging of my own physical body. I've learned that imposed change in turn requires internal change, and without a balance of both, there comes either stagnancy or chaos, both of which I'd rather not adopt. 

✎✎And OH, HOW I'VE LEARNED the absolute necessity of self-recognition. No, not to be conceited or lofty, but to realize my own limits and when to just plainly say, "enough." I've learned more efficient and diplomatic ways to fight for the things and people in which I believe, whether it's for or against, and regardless of how many others stand with me. I've learned that satisfying 100% of a crowd will never happen, but if I've done what's right and responsible, I should rest easy.

✎I've learned that I am a work.. in.. progress. And, I've learned that that's... okay. (:

So THERE.

END NEW CHAPTER. Of. Story.

On a lighter but still very relevant note, I laughed at myself tonight as I sat and watched the theatrical production of Les Misérables on the couch alone... ohhh how far I've come from nights of Family Guy or The Simpsons. I'm on to bigger, classier things now ;) ... I joke..I'm no snob, I just love theater [I always have], so indulging on that was an easy call.

So uhh, yep!
Transformation Tuesday. Next time, I'll dim it down and save you from my rants.. maybe show off those super swagger braces I had or perhaps the evolution of my poor hair from baby Asian bowl cuts to triple curly, to blonde, to short, long and everything in between just about. Or maybe I'll just find something else to rave over.

For now, it's time to hit the hay.
G'Nite, blogbots!

xo | cmd

HOME STRETCH & Eli's BBQ

Guessssssss who won't be in a state of semi-homelessness!

Hint: ME. It's me.

 

I went yesterday with Becky to scope out a little number in Fairfax; thanks to TJ for the suggestion to check out that area! It's pint-sized, and there is some fabulous wallpaper in the hallway [teehee..], but it's exactly what I need for now and I definitely can't complain. ;) I went through the viewing and application process, and got a prompt call back today from the gal that she'd love to extend the property to me. SCORE.

.... and for now, i shall call you home (:

pretty trish! my new neighbor ;)

OH, and here's the part where knowing some folks in this town gets funny. I have a lovely friend Trish who lives in Fairfax; prior to heading there to view the house, I'd asked her the distance from Fairfax to a few places I'd need to frequent. She said overall it's a great area, so I was excited to let her know today that I got the house. She asked me where it was in Fairfax, and I told her...

... well.... see that other house to the right of this one, with the green-trimmed window? Well, she certainly does live in Fairfax, in THAT house. I'm dumbfounded.. haha. Small world, right?! Soo.. I'll already know my new neighbor, and Sydni will have little Gianna to play with when she's there. Everybody wins! (:

The edge of anticipation is finally starting to wear off; it's not completely gone, but I expect it to be once I'm sitting on my couch, in the privacy of my own space, with Sydni next to me, and again finding that routine we were used to before things got a little chaotic. All I can say really,

God is Good, ALL the time, & ALL the time, God is Good!   

I was about as relieved as could be when I got back to Becky's, and the night got sweeter when we decided we were doing dinner at Eli's. If you're going to be in Cincinnati and you're not from here, I demand you visit this place ;) And if you're in Cincy, like I am now, well... call me and we'll go together. Haha. DELICIOUS.


eli's with becky & mike .. yummmm | cincinnati, oh

And yes, it was a packed house, as always, both inside and outside.
So yes, we pitched a tarp and sat on the ground... well, the stage... but still (:
And no, we didn't care.

nom nom nom!

There's just something about food that has absolutely no graceful way to be eaten. It's a barbeque thing, and I love it.

*Yawn. Not. A. Bad. Day (:

xo | cmd