Omniscience.

Today made me happy. For a few reasons:

First, there was church.

Then there was barbeque.

And then soccer.

A homemade drop top guestbook.

Cleaning, laundry, wedding planning.

Snuggles & bedtime stories.

**************************************

So I wanted to talk about this whole mini-series that our Pastor has constructed for us, based on the concept of drones. Yes, drones - those all-seeing aerial cameras that have become so popular over the last several years.

Omniscience. I sat for the morning hour today and listened to things I already know, but decidedly needed put into short, concise bullet points for the taking. See, as we plow steadily through this final phase of wedding plans, I find myself not nervous, but anxious. I'm anxious! The "end" is in sight, and in another couple of blinks, it'll be upon us, and then it'll be over, and this flutter of loose ends will become a thing of the immediate past. The result will be a wonderful party with our closest friends and family, to commemorate the changing of my last name and two people making one promise of indivisible partnership for the rest of our lives.

I can't wait.

For now though, I'm anxious.

Why is that?!

One of the opening passages for this message today was Hebrews 4:13:

Nothing is all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Okay, so let's peel that apart like an onion:

1. There's not a door in the world that's either so thick or so tightly sealed to separate me from God.

2. I'm accountable, both in and out of sight.

3. He's not surprised by anything, and there's ab.so.lutely nothing that is too large a challenge for Him.
(This is a bigger onion, but we'll save the rest for another day.)

I thought about this as I sat among my church family, and realized that (once again), He was making a clear point to me about my anxiety and stress as I plan this wedding.

He sees all. He knows all. He has conquered all. Why then, do I worry? Why do I give in to the pressures of multi-tasking, logistics and coordination? It's not bad stress! It's a good thing, that we have a wedding to plan! It's incredible that we are getting married, and whatever work must be done to create our special day is worth it, no questions asked.

And as I think about what the future post-wedding looks like (which I tend to do at more often than I realize at this phase in the planning), I start to wander off into that field of weeds where uncertainty grows like vines, over rocky ground. Today I was reminded that it's not my job to know the future. It's not my job to carry the past. It's my job only to trust in Him, and accept that whatever He has planned for me, and whatever He has led me through before, is part of the big picture of my time on this earth.

He. Is. Omniscient.
And I am not.
And that, is how I'll start this week.

xo | cmd 

"The Poison of Everything"

Today was a good day. To say it was "busy" is a gross understatement, but it was the good kind of busy: The kind that reminds me that the activity I push myself to accomplish daily - despite the inevitable hurdles to come with it - is an element in a bigger, beneficial picture. It's not all in vain, and it's hard now, but like any labor of love, will shine later as a finished piece built properly.

Today was a challenge. Again, a good challenge, but also the type that can so easily ignite that spark of doubt in my own abilities: patience, diligence, memory, etc. I'm doing the right things, but am I doing enough of them? Am I doing them quickly enough? Why am I not doing more??

These are questions that poison my productivity on days like today, when the schedule I've written for myself becomes so diluted with unexpected activity that there's only a few checkmarks on the whole thing at the end of the day.

The following is page 45 from Shauna Niequist's book, Savor. It's a 365-day devotional that I incorporate from time to time as I do my daily quiet time. Ironically enough, I didn't read this until after the work day had closed, but hey - isn't that just like our God - to give us the material we need at just the right time, to ensure that we will fully and wholly absorb it the way He intends?

****************************

Page 45. 

Dated February 9

The Poison of "Everything"

"What you are doing is not good... The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone."
- Exodus 18: 17-18

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.

One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction. 

Deciding what I want my life to be about isn't that hard. But deciding what I'm willing to give up for those things is like yoga for the superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside who exists only for what people think.

GOD IS the only one who can handle everything. Pray for a few moments, and give over to God the many things you've been carrying. 

 ****************************

So..... today is February 9th. Today was that particular collection of words that comprised exactly what I wanted but simultaneously don't want to hear. I have many character flaws, but the most prominent I'm certain, is my frequent and adamant inability at times to delegate. That word, to me, sets of an alarming illusion that I'm not doing my part. That I'm on the field but I'm not running. That I'm not pulling my weight, and that I'm forsaking whatever training and preparation I've invested into the task at hand, to be passive or lazy.

^^ Doesn't that sound delusional? Or, am I not the only one who's a control freak when it comes to the job that I'm paid to do, but sometimes feel is going to overpower me? I know I'm good at what I do, and that I'm making a difference, but days like today just make me feel like honestly, I'm not doing that thing I'm good at ... good enough.

It's a tough pill to swallow, and tastes a little like how I'd imagine a vinegar and brussel sprouts smoothie would taste, when I back down and ask for help. It's a PRIDE issue, that is ultimately a sin, being committed intentionally and defiantly by yours truly, when I refuse to accept help that is offered, for a task realistically too large for me to conquer alone.

In my defense, I've become much better at warding off the enticing charms of everything. I once was that girl who did what she could to oblige every request, and wound up on 3 different church committees, hosting a "small group" of 6 couples at her home weekly, rearranged personal errands and other time-sensitive things to assist on a project or a social gathering for someone's birthday - and volunteer immediately to bring literally anything that was needed. That was me. I wanted selfishly to feel like I was contributing, and wasn't satisfied until I'd successfully outdid... who, myself?!

Lame. But yeah, at any rate, I've made strides in that respect, and now it's time for me to recalibrate and make a concerted effort on relinquishing some of the workload. This applies for the office and home. I haven't indulged myself as much as I'd like [yet] with our church, I think for fear that I'll tumble head first like I've done before, wanting to help and contribute and volunteer and assist and cover and all those other things I did before that drained me of every last ounce of energy I had.

I needed this today. I need this tomorrow. I need this to pop up as a scheduled alert once every hour. I need to be reminded that the poison of everything is very much a reality in my world. I need to split that up in some things and only take on what I can manage.

On that note, I'll leave this here for tonight, and for anyone out there who needs to see the same thing I needed today. I hope it helps. I write these blogs for myself more than anyone else; this is an entry I'll be back to read.

Sending love, discernment and the ability to delegate.. your way, blogbots!

P.S. - Yes, today was the snowiest we've had in a while, and it was beautiful. Messy, but beautiful. Kinda like... the rest of my life. And that's just fine with me :).

 

Happy Tuesday, all of you. See you tomorrow! 

  

xo | cmd

I Have Decided...

Confession: It's been a couple of weeks since I've been to a Sunday service at our home church. Between traveling, holidays and being so sick that I declined movement beyond the path from my couch to the bathroom for nearly two entire days.

My parents were in town for the weekend and nobody was sick. We were finally all assembled in town for a weekend, so it seemed a perfect a time as any to find our seats and be fed with a morning of worship and lesson.

Have you ever been in a service that speaks so clearly to you that you're almost certain it was written specifically for you? Well, this was one of mine.


No, it wasn't emotionally riveting. It was practical. It's an understatement to call it practical, really. It's applicable, realistic, achievable and above all, an integral part of how we as Christians are expected to live. Rob and I have a lot of financial changes coming this year, and we need as much wise guidance as possible. 
I went back and studied the notes again today, from yesterday's service. There's some excellent stuff here, packed into just an hour message with our senior pastor, Jeff. 
I said I didn't have any real New Years Resolutions for 2016. After yesterday, I'm not certain that's entirely true. I said that if we made it through the major events of this year with our sanity and a couple bucks left in our pocket, that'd be good... BUT, after yesterday, I'm challenging myself to not only saving, but better allocation of what we have. We're fortunate enough now that we don't live strictly paycheck-to-paycheck, but we certainly don't do nearly as well as we should with discipline in our giving, saving and spending. 
So there it is folks: last Monday of January and I just changed my mind that I do in fact have one new years' resolution, and that will be the one that helps propel my entire family in the right direction. 
For the time being: Pray, plan and perfect it. Stay tuned; I'm pretty sure our next step in this plan will involve Dave Ramsey :). 
For now, take a listen [& a watch] to that message, and see if you don't get something out of that, too! 
G'Nite blogbots.. 
xo | cmd

"You Can Have Both, Mommy."

Kids, man. They are the absolute best source of practical wisdom, and Sydni is no exception.

Tonight I was reminded by two very simple moments that this is a beautiful, albeit chaotic little life we live. We have so many liberties that we take for granted, and she managed to remind me in ways she won't recognize until years from now, that I have it made.

First, this:

nutella + graham crackers... minion graham crackers

Kids have the most reactive metabolisms, especially if they're regularly healthy like Sydni. She plowed through a quarter of a box of minion graham crackers and spoonfuls of Nutella to go along, more than a "snack" portion, but without ruining her dinner. The kid usually makes healthy choices on her own, but we happened to be out of grapes and apples today, so I took the blame and gave in to her cravings for this... just once, yenno? ;) 

Anyway, the mini feeding frenzy passed without much further attention, and an hour later I heard the familiar whirring of the elliptical in the basement, so I went down to check on her. I kid you not, Sydni went hard on this thing for at least 30 minutes straight, until I told her to take a little break. I asked her, jokingly, if she was training to get big and strong and fast so she could outrun Mommy, to which she whimsically replied, "Nope. I'm essercising because I just ate a whole bunch of crackers and nutella."

Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions about how my daughter perhaps believes that you must push yourself to physical limits every single time you eat [or any other unhealthy psychological deliverance], she doesn't. She has never [amen, amen, AMEN] cared what she ate, knows that the Disney girls look "weird" with their unrealistically-proportioned bodies, and doesn't usually tell me she's using the elliptical for the same reasons an adult uses the elliptical. Haha. No. She's 5, and it was perfectly in line with her goofy little personality for her to say that. What she has learned in our house is that exercise is good, and that if you do it, you will stay healthy and be able to do all the things you want to do: swimming, running around, playing tag, etc. That was long-winded, but I just don't want anyone out there to mistake this as a reflection that we hang around teaching her that she'll get fat if she doesn't work out. We're all about healthy and happy in this house, not just one or the other ♥ 

Thank you, though, mini-me, for reminding me that there's balance to this. It might not make sense to you yet, and I absolutely read into these two simple things tonight, but it struck me as a subtle little note to be aware of balancing out - whatever it is, be sure to get all that I need, not just one side of something. You're such a great little teacher, mini! 

"You can have both, Mommy."
Yep, we can. We can have work and play. Fun and responsibility. Plans and free time. 

Duh! 

xo | cmd

50 Shades of Grey: NO. Absolutely... NO.

AND I WILL HAVE NO PART [EITHER]

My disclaimer to all of this is this: I so rarely participate in tirades on social media, especially Facebook. I'm not an electronically-confrontational person, but I had to chime in today, at the prompting of a conversation I had with a co-worker, related to this ridiculous movie that's coming out this weekend.

Friends, I just can't. And I won't. And I would encourage you not to, either. I know that's not going to sway anyone out of seeing it, and for those of you who I love very much, yet have conflicting opinions, know that I don't respect you as a person any less for yours, as I would hope is the same with you for mine.

Here are several sources who've visualized the exact reasons I have for refusing to support this movie:

1. THIS:  

every. single. one. of those things.
[courtesy: national center for sexual eploitation]

 2. These FIVE Things: 

[courtesy: fightthenewdrug.org]

^ IN case you either cannot see, or have questions about those 5 things & what my vantage point says:
1. The concept that money & power gives right to do whatever you want: 
That's insane enough a thought without any further explanation. It's particularly frightening to me because I have already met people who not only embrace, but actually identify solely to the amount of money in their bank accounts and their position in society. They feel entitled based on that alone, and that.. is scary.

2. Sex should be contained to a concept of physical gratification only; no feelings or romance allowed.

Welp, that's disgusting. That sets a great stage for teaching ourselves and our younger generation how to fully love and develop a relationship. Let's go ahead and teach them how not to stay married.. or faithful.. or uphold any sort of system of sanctity for their significant other.

3. Girls [& guys, too, honestly] - If you're treated like crap, just hang in there; they'll change.
Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? ENOUGH with this, 'they're two consenting adults' crap - Just because two people agree to rob a bank together, does that mean it's RIGHT? Or HEALTHY behavior? How about we instill in our minds and our young peoples' minds that healthy relationships are developed from RESPECT first, and that the love that comes from RESPECT is something you cannot replicate or rival. AND, that respect for YOURSELF is not something to set aside.. for ANYONE. If someone wants to be with you, they should be equal TO you. Not above you, or beneath you, or threatening you. Equals WITH you.

4. The idea that guys can do [in this case sexually] anything they want to women, and that women will love it. [And outside of this book, vice versa].
You're kidding, right? Again.. with this 'consenting adults thing' - stop. Just.. stop. If you have to be psychologically sway, manipulate and coerce someone into doing something - sexual or not - you do not love them. You are swaying, manipulating and coercing them. Ladies, don't think I'm just talking to men here - I've seen men at the hands of tyrannical women, too. What kind of example are we setting?!

5. Write something that glamorizes sexual exploitation and domestic violence, and it'll sell. 
Of course it will, sadly. We are a society that feeds off of drama, suspense and all things dark and mysterious. We think we're such brooding, deeply-theoretical people whose partaking in this crap doesn't affect anyone. Well, I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine telling my daughter that she should abide by the clean side of a double standard that I've set through my own examples.

3. This Summary Statement:

I usually try to stay neutral on controversial platforms like this.. well, at least to the blogging eyes.. because I like to keep things light-hearted, thoughtful and positive. But I just.. I can't stand by and believe that the people I know who've firsthand managed to survive sexual abuse, domestic violence, psychologically and/or emotionally controlling relationships - that they fought their way back from the doorsteps of hell just to find this piece of garbage waiting to be devoured by millions of people.

I've seen the irreversible damage that domestic violence and sexual abuse creates in a person. I've seen friends struggle to believe in the value of their very own existence because of the way their minds have warped within toxic relationships. I have seen how that affects their trust. Their confidence. Their ability to love themselves. To love others. Their emotional stability. Their social skills. Their grades. Their work. Their sleep. Their eating habits. Everything.

It is NOT a glamorous. It is not an achievement to succumb to this type of relationship.

I am... terrified to think what our next generations will take away from this. I commit myself to work arduously with my own daughter to instill in her that this type of relationship is purely unhealthy, undeserved and should not be tolerated. I am fearful for the children of my peers now, who will be peers to her then... that their parents or peers will have accepted this set of standards [or lack thereof, really], and that my daughter [or my future son, who knows] will fall prey somehow to this... garbage.

I can only do my part, and ask that each of you consider how this affects all of us. Call me antiquated; call me a prude - that's fine. I just can't... conform to something like this.

With love & respect to each of you ♥

xo | cmd

Lettuce Learn .... & Love!

Woops.
In my quest to continue eating like a rabbit while at work, I've made it a habit now to pick up a new salad mix each week. I've been pretty good about it, and thought I had this simple thing checked off my list for this week, too. Haha.

Welp, folks, here is what happens when you leave salad mix [sans dressing, mind you] in your car overnight and the temperature drops down to -5°F:

gaaahhhhhh.... no. no good.

I checked over this melted mess of a salad that I purchased yesterday, and quickly realized there was no salvaging, unless I was down for some soggy, slightly icy but certainly saturated spinach and greens. Thanks, but no thanks.

*Sigh. Idiot.
Fortunately, Cincinnati has no shortage of groceries, so the first few minutes of the lunch break meant getting a replacement.

all right. let's try this again....

Setting the two cartons beside each other zapped up any remnants of doubt I may've had on the original salad...


nice work, cori. womp womp womp...

Moral of the story: Don't accidentally leave your salad in your car overnight when the temperatures drop below freezing. You won't want to eat it in the morning. Or ever. Say no... to soggy, browning greens, and yes to the cool, crispy stuff.

yummmmm (:

^ And yes... say yes to rabbit food (:
Just kidding. It's delicious if you ask me, and definitely fits in the regiment of things I should be eating while sitting around at a desk for most of my day.

The workout today was one of those grueling days, primarily because my legs are still in protest of any added range of motion. We finally managed to loosen up some and get some work done before I practically crawled out of there. #WHOOPED.

And then home..
And then dinner..
And then caving to my inner helpless-romantic and watching The Vow [or could it be because Rachel McAdams is the perfect portrait of the classic-but-angsty woman?!]

rachel mcadams [#wcw - sure, why not?!]

The dogs were happy to curl up with me and watch this with me; there was a lot of estrogen in the house tonight.. haha. Stella especially, who is usually my stoic, loner pup, seemed unusually clingy and wanted no more than a couple of inches between us for most of the evening. I obliged, naturally, and Sasha managed to wriggle her way into the mix before too long.

couldn't help it. sometimes i can't handle her.. haha ;)

^ She cracked me up. My Stella, the regal beagle [#butnotreally] of the two, literally hugged me for the entire movie. Yes, I was the little spoon to my dog. I captured this selfie of the moment, and quickly realized there was no resisting the Step Brothers pairing. ;)

Speaking of pibbles, Rob was with Kyle tonight and sent me pictures of his new bully, [appropriately-named] Blue. And Blue... is... beautiful!

hi, pretty booooy!!! [blue, that is. blue. sorry, kyle.. haha]

Whew. This day is gonna end early. Tomorrow's Thursday, which means it's almost Friday, which means.... a whole bunch of stuff.

Goodnight, from us!

xoxo! love, pitties & me!

Stay warm, friends!
G'Nite!

xo | cmd

Without CAUSE, We Wouldn't Have EFFECT

hello, again, snowy cincinnati
... happy tuesday!

It's winter again in Cinci. To go along with the unexpected surprise of new snowfall, here's a gritty little rant I didn't expect to have today, either. In advance, if you're offended, well... I'm not sorry.

I admittedly lost some sleep last night, as I layed there mulling over some of the inevitable muddle of things happening, things to do, people, more to-do's, life, liberty and the pursuit of whatever it is in this short lifetime that we're all seeking.

I parted ways with my bed this morning with more thoughts than peace in my head [not really a desired balance] and was determined to get it all out, somehow.

It started as a brief thought [birthed and developed during my 9-mile, 48-minute morning snow commute ;)], which I shared as a note of encouragement online. This was the original blurb:

Without our failures, we wouldn't know success.
Without limitations, we wouldn't recognize authenticity.
Without hypocrites, we wouldn't appreciate candor.
Without boastfulness, we wouldn't understand true humility.
Without the valleys, we wouldn't achieve personal growth.
Without conditional behavior, we wouldn't respect consistency.
And without INTEGRITY, we WON'T trust anyone.. even ourselves.

From there, the principle of the whole thing took root in my mind and augmented itself as the day wore on. By the time I found myself back at home, I had a more than ample additions to the initial thought [and no, there is no official literary structure to this one; my apologies in advance to my fellow bookies]:

Without abrasion, we wouldn't become polished.
Without destruction, we wouldn't develop tenacity for fresh starts.
Without dissention, we wouldn't hold individual values.
Without division, we wouldn't promote unity.
Without hate, we wouldn't know to pursue love.
Without experience, we wouldn't exercise discernment.
Without faith, we wouldn't have hope.
Without INTEGRITY, we ARE NOT worth our own word.

I could literally go on... for days, on this topic. I've been struggling the most in the recent weeks with a few select situations in my life, things... and people that I wish would just become transparent, for the sake of not themselves but for the things and people around them that are very directly affected by this. In a world where a professed-Christian business owner puts an icthus on his business card between his name and the company's, but has to lie when unknown numbers call him to hide from his previous company's contact...... the deception expands both internally and externally. The image of Christians as a whole is thwarted by the darkness of selective deception, while on the outside, the over-exertion of effort to create a picture of flawless, humble behavior and lifestyle attracts the accolades of the crowds. It makes me sick, because 1] I've been in those shoes, wanting so desperately to believe I was being a good person, but having to do so by setting conditions to which rules I would follow, and 2] because these actions proactively DESTROY the exact thing we're trying to create if we do them.

Without the full story, we will not see the truth.
Without sheep, a wolf has no wool coat.
Without INTEGRITY, we WILL NOT experience freedom.

Am I being passive aggressive today? Yes.
Do I care? No.

I'm reading over the things I've just written and yes, I know it has a rather choppy flow, certainly not the most connected thing I've ever transferred from my mind to writing................ but here's the thing:

This is real. This is a REAL problem. I don't know if it's because of what I heard yesterday at church [regarding the fine line of destructive pride and genuine humility, thank you, Adam..], or because it's the Christmas season and naturally this is the time when we as a whole water down the meaning of it all in our pursuit of things.... but I have this to say to us, as Christians, non-Christians, HUMANS, during Christmas or ANY other time of the year...... [and I am NOT exempt from this advice..]

ouch...

I hope I am not alone in believing that regardless of who we are or what we do, that it is NOT okay to label ourselves into a category that is defined by the exact principles we are only selectively choosing to follow. That being said, I realize it's a double-edged sword in LIFE, because without the unfavorable alternative(s), we really... honestly... would not know the contrast on which would should focus.

Call this a tired tirade if you want, but my heart is heavy today with the weight of certain people - small people - who are being directly influenced and affected by the examples set forth by these kinds of decisions. Again, I am not exempt from making bad calls. I have, however, learned the freedom of honesty and most of all transparency; I no longer feel the need to please everyone around me, let alone inventory separate personalities for separate people. I'm becoming an open book, for better or for worse, but I know this: I'll own my regrets and NOT repeat them.

Without provocation, we have no motivation.
Without problems, we won't become catalysts.
Without INTEGRITY, well... we ARE the problem.

I am so wholly thankful for the people in my life, especially those that I've hurt... because they were courageous and loving enough to bring it to my attention. Was it painful to hear? Duh... but they were right to do so and I am grateful for it.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
- Prov 27:17

//rant. If this convicted you, the way it did me today, then commit it to your memory. If it compelled you, share it. If it offended you, then you should probably re-read it. And if you find that I am in a position to be reminded of the need for my own transparency, please tell me. I promise I will do the same.

Have a wonderful week, blogbots.
xo | cmd 

Sunday Love

PLEASE CHECK BACK in a few days for the audio clip of the sermon from the service this morning. I'll try and upload it as soon as it's available.
You'll need to listen to this. I needed to listen to this, again, even after hearing it this morning at church. I'll keep ya posted.

Post-church, we voted for Bob Evans, and made a full Kenwood run out of it. Sydni found a Christmas tree that was, 'just her size' at B.E., and was under the belief that she made me take a picture of her next to it. Really, I was doing mental fist pumps that she was being camera-cooperative today ;)

minime & a minitree!

"okay, mr. rob, now pick me up
so i'm taller than the tree!"

Gosh. Love.
Rob & I sat down tonight to plan out a few more pretty important components of his planned relocation here to Cincinnati; I must say... I'm pretty. stinkin'. excited. More on that to come later, too!

He heads back to IL tomorrow, and Sydni will start off her week's time away again, so for now, g'nite!

xo | cmd

Hello, DECEMBER

As promised, we started our day - and December - off right, worshipping down the street at SonRise. I haven't made any final decisions yet, but I think this just might be my resting spot in terms of a church home back here in Cincinnati. There are a lot of different choices, but there are many facets I appreciate at SR. I'll keep you posted.

I started the month off as the now 29-year-old me. It's really not that different from 28, other than next year I'll be bidding farewell to my twenties. We'll cross that emotional bridge another day; today I'm feeling thoroughly blessed on all accounts.


and this is 29. feels good. (:

In the holiday vacation absence of the senior pastor, Adam delivered a message today, that as usual felt applicable to my life in a variety of ways. I won't go into great detail, but the most interesting point I gathered from it was that we as humans have an innate nature to gravitate towards whatever seems the most stable. Along the way, because we are humans and not God, we trip, fall, bust our tails and complicate things far worse than they should be. Adam drew a parallel to a C.S. Lewis book in which the character finds himself on a foreign planet comprised of a floaty, mist-like land. In the center of it was an island of solid, immovable ground, but to his dismay noone is allowed to live on that solid ground. The reason? Once we accept living on a plane of ebbs and flows, waves, dips and eclipses, we will become conditioned to have faith in the one who created us. It's NOT our job to be God, because we are not fair creatures. We are neither objective nor impartial. We are emotional and irrational. We are not capable of handling that kind of wisdom or power without destroying ourselves and everything around us in the process.

sonrise Christmas series

So as we enter into the Christmas season, I thought it would be fitting to share today's message with everyone else, because I think I needed that reminder more than anyone. Christmas is about the gift given to us by a holy God: His son. And now, He gives us the promise that His knowledge and intervention are what we really need. I dunno about you, but that's a promise woooorlds outta my league to try and give to someone else. How we respond to that gift is ultimately our choice. I'm choosing to be thankful that I can trust in not just that solid ground, but the maker of that ground, because He really is.. capable of anything. AAAAMEN. (:

And, speaking of THANKFUL, take a look-see at the dinner that Rob crafted when he volunteered a turn at it, with pretty much no plan and no menu. I'm more than a little jealous of this, but so impressed that it didn't matter. First a surprise arrival last week, then a homemade birthday card, brake change in my car, and now... this. If I didn't know better, I'd think that the games have begun... haha. I need to step up my game, yeah? Either that or just be grateful that I have a guy who loves me enough to give me what I want most: quality time.

homemade dinner, by the boyfriend.
this one makes me look bad... delicioussssss!!

So yeah, December's officially HERE. It's pretty crazy to me; I think I share the confusion on where about half of the year really went and how quickly the end of it is here. It's certainly been something of a year, and I don't think next year will be any less eventful [I'm hoping that in the best way....].

Most of us head back to work tomorrow, and after a long weekend, I'm sure there's going to be lots to catch up on. G'nite!

xo | cmd

[Encouragement] Exactly When You Need It

Rob and I went to church this morning.
.... An hour early.

Woops. I've been out of town for the past several weekends, and with everything that's happened over the past few days, all I knew was that we were going to church. Why I thought it was at 10am, I'm not sure... but we filled the idle time with breakfast before heading back for the 11am service.

Today was one of those days that I .. just .. knew He would have something in store for us. It's been a stressful time over the past few days, and though it's all settled now, there are still other [unrelated] challenges for us to face together in the very immediate future, and it's not going to be a walk in the park. I couldn't count how many times I've closed my eyes even for just seconds to pray over all of this, for the answers to be revealed, whether in our favor or not, and for some sort of direction. Most of all, I'm praying for tenacity. We are all called at points to be a rock for someone else, and I feel that right now that's my position. So some courage, tenacity and some direction are things I'm after these days.

And then Pastor Jeff hit us with this [I want MORE]:

sonrise series: relentless

^ This is the series in session right now at SonRise. PJ wasted no time unfolding this to us, digging specifically into the life of Abraham and the life of change he endured at the most unexpected times. Today's installment of the series posed the question,

"How can I be relentless with my faith to change?"

I was glued to my seat, and as I saw Rob nodding occasionally in my peripherals, I knew I wasn't alone.  Call me stoic here, but the hour and some change that we spent listening to this message today was a pivotal point for me.. for us.. in realizing our own potential if we can just clear away the doubt and replace it with faith. I hate to admit that I walked into church today feeling not entirely defeated.. but certainly deflated and a little lost in the clutter of our current situation.


from illinois to ohio...

We are in the process of relocating Rob from Illinois to Ohio. Like I said, that's not going to be an easy feat for either of us. Until he has his feet firmly planted in a solid job here, I will bear some of the weight of sustenance. Adversely, when he leaves Illinois, there will be family and friends in his absence that he won't see every day. He'll be in a new city, and - for a touch of humor in it all - he'll be stuck with me as a primary friend.. at least immediately. ;) . But really, this is going to test us on a multitude of different levels because there is never a guarantee that any given plan will run its course without deviation or hurdle, but today I was reminded that if I - if we - are RELENTLESS in our faith, then we will focus on the next step, one at a time, reminded that while change does require sacrifice, we will never be given more than we can handle.

I definitely have something new to reflect on and pray over during devo time this week (:

After church, we stopped by the house to unwind for a little before heading to Brittany's to watch the game. Rob hadn't been to her house yet, so it was nice to show him around and of course to see Brittany & her boyfriend Joe, Kalyn, Keifer, Kara & her friend McKayla. We hung out there for a little bit before Keifer had to split out for work. Shortly after that we followed him down to Bakersfield for some grub to end out the day.

bakersfield tacos. nobody's mad. (: (: (: (:

And since Keifer was working, of course there were some spirits a-flowin'. Kalyn ordered a round of this stuff [let's just say it's clear and you take it with salt+lime].. we're a goofy bunch but I love 'em.

kalyn. rob. brittany. joe
tequi, tequi, tequiiiila...

We left Bakersfield and now we're here, at home, watching Olympus Has Fallen, which is probably going to give me nightmares about our country going under seige in a sheerly apocolyptic way. Go figure; I should've known better, watching an action flick with the main protagonists being who they were. I'm a big fan of Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart, so I suppose it wasn't a total loss.

A few days ago I wasn't sure just how this weekend would go, but today, all the way around was testament that right here, right now, we have the unwavering faithfulness of the God we serve, and the friends next to us that are there.. really there.. when we need them. It's the month of being thankful, and on this 10th day of it, I am absoLUTELY thankful for what we have, including the struggles that will fortify us for pursuing through them. [BE RELENTLESS! ;) ]

Rob leaves tomorrow to head back to Illinois and I've gotta be up to beat Monday morning to the punch, so we'll say good night for now (:

xo | cmd

Office Workouts | Solo Floating

Well this one was inspired by the fact that it rained off and on for a large part of today.

tried this today.. loved it

So here's the thing about me: I'm not naturally a sedentary person. I just happen to have what can, on some days be clearly defined as a sedentary job. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my work, but it does have an undeniable habit of parking my tail in a chair more often than not.

And so, it rained a lot today. If I hadn't been working, I'm not entirely sure that I would have been outside, or really doing anything other than meddling around the house. That being said, I decided to put together a little in-office workout to serve a few different functions:

➊ Every little bit helps. LL = Leg Lifts, PU = Push Ups, and SQ = Squats. Increments don't mean much alone, but if you add them together, it's not an ugly number by the time Friday's finished.
➋ Supplement! I have my regular routine outside of work, but if I'm being honest, there isn't such a thing as too much exercise, as long as you're healthy about it.
➌ Guilt trips! There will always be exceptions to this, but honestly if I've just spent tiny increments of time here and there doing 120 squats, 90 push ups and 60 leg lifts, there's no way I'm gonna go out and purge on something gross that I shouldn't be eating anyway. Like I said, that won't be the case every single day, but I've done these reps a few times already today and I can definitely say it's helped steer me clear of the body-debilitating food. WOO!
➍ This gives me an often-WELCOME break from something frustrating or adversely menial work.
➎ I'm competitive. Seeing this on paper tells me I can't make time to do it all in one day. It also challenges me to prove that I can.. and will do this every day.

So uhhh yeah! Day 1 [excuse the beautifully flabby way my shirt's hanging? Whoa.].. Yes, this is how we do it here on our lunch breaks nowadays. We're gettin' it.. gettin' it.. hahaha.

5x each arm.. it isn't much but it's a start!

And in the spirit of physical activity... last but not least, the best part of my day:

^ I am one PROUD mama!

my proud little swimmer!

I took one of the big cameras to her practice tonight, so once I get those pictures loaded and tweaked, I'll get some of those posted, too (:

For now.. goooood night ;)

xo | cmd

Splish Splash

It's all in a day's work, right?
[I don't even know what that really is supposed to mean, but I do know we gave Thursday a run for its money today]

Work was work, nothing especially memorable about the day other than it's one step closer to Friday and that means we'll see Rob tomorrow!

Traffic, as usual in greater Cincinnati, was just.. a joy to navigate all the way out to Blue Ash for Sydni's swim lessons, but once I was there I realized that I would gladly grit through gridlock every single week just to see my little girl do this.

getting ready (:

learning how to float!

.. but never forgetting to have fun ♥

On the way home, Sydni said, "I wish Mr. Rob could see me swim!"
I was reminded in that moment how thankful I am for her. For Rob. For the fact that we are making this work, and that he's made an impact on my daughter. I was reminded why we're all being patient and making this long-distance thing work. We may not always be under the same roof at the same time, but when there's enough of the right kind of love there, we can do anything. I am blessed.

Back at home, it was laundry time, some goofing around [nothin' new there], and packing for the big weekend ahead of us.

this little girl is my world.

I'm exhausted.

Sayonara, Thursday.

xo | cmd

Sunday Screed + River Time With Friends

Ranty blog entry, comin' riiiiight up.
[you've been warned]

Actually, let me do this in reverse order, from the last half of the day first.

Sydni and I went to church this morning [about which the latter part of this entry will spiel], and afterwards headed home to try a nap [no success] and tidy up the house some. We were done with plenty of time to spare by the time Becky was off work, so we headed up to Northside, picked her up and headed out to the water.

Oh, and check out what she picked up for me at Market!

I. Love. It. [Thanks, Becky!!!]

Anyway, our original plan was to go kayaking, but we changed our minds at the last minute and piled all three of us into a canoe instead. Sydni had a blast.

canoeing with miss becky | viewing window at dewey's!

We finished up on the water after a little while and decided it was dinner time; Sydni said she wanted pizza, so we were off to Dewey's in Oakley - another spot I've not been in years.. at least not the Oakly store. Mike joined in and the four of us did some work on some food before parting ways for the evening. Perfect way to round out the weekend!

************************************

So yeah.. like I said I wanted to get back to, and focus today primarily on the revelation I had this morning and how that's been spanning over the course of my day so far. Here's where this becomes a diatribe.

 

Sydni and I went to church this morning: It was my second time visiting SonRise, and Syd's first. She seemed hesitant at first, but then discovered the tube slide that serves to introduce kids into the classrooms, and immediately threw all caution to the wind. From what I saw and heard afterwards, she loved her class, teacher and the other kids in with her.

 

What hit me this morning, was this: 

I landed in SonRise in the middle of a sermon series, which is not uncommon and I was curious to see how much I'd missed. The focal point of this series is human emotion and how that corresponds/correlates with the presence of God in our lives and His purpose for us. Today was honed in on anger. What's most interesting about anger is that it's one of the hardest emotions to break; even psychiatrists and behavioral scientists don't have failproof methods to combat it. I realized today that I grossly underestimated the amount of anger I had - and still have - in certain areas of my life. 



break free. i will.

If you have, for some reason, been following along over the course of the past year or so, it's no secret to you that I've put myself and been put by others through some not-so-pretty things. I went through a divorce, started dating someone new, relocated across two states, started a new job and found myself back in Cincinnati, both to my disappointment and relief. That's the shortest version of the recap. I've always coined myself a resilient person adaptable to most types of change, but even for me, it was a little much.  

 

Today it hit me that the anger I have inside me, mainly directed a few individuals, is deep-seeded, beyond what I originally thought was just the past year or so. I realized today, that it started over four years ago. I'm not naturally a bitter or resentful person, so for me, that's a long time to be angry with the same person[s]. It wasn't until that anger turned to hate... literally hate in my heart for things that both were and weren't in my control. I started building a prison around my own heart.

 

I have been crippling myself with this, more evidently so in the past year. From 2009 to the end of 2011, I had become an angrier person than I had ever been, ever. No, not angry as in physically-aggressive or violent, but emotionally furious: with some other people, with the stagnant state of my life, but most of all with myself for keeping record of things in my head but keeping my mouth shut about them until it was too late. In 2012, I made and went through with the final choice to end my marriage, which still stings to think about [not the other person, but the idea that I was a part of something that had become toxic to the point of ripping us both apart as separate people if we forced it any further]. Things boiled over: Things I'd left unsaid for three years, reasons I felt the way I did and harsh judgments and facts that at the time seemed entirely justified to say out loud. They came rushing out in ways I didn't even expect: lists on lists of reasons we had failed, why I was so enraged, to the core, and unequivocally inconsolable

 

People tried to help me. Family, who fortunately in my world is always there for me, first, and of course my closest friends at the time, all tried to be an outlet in one way or another for me. But no... I was too angry, too hurt, too embarrassed by it all, too exhausted to slow down and put a white-hot boiling heart on my sleeve for the world to see. Instead, I shut down. I stopped speaking all together, to just about everyone.. about anything that mattered, that is. People even as close as co-workers wouldn't have been able to feel the heat, because I made it a direct point to shelter people around me from the burden of whatever strife I had going on. Only those carried by gusts of gossip or those as close to me as I'd let any of them had any inkling of how defeated and abandonded I really felt.

 

Here's the thing that hit me today: I can't do this anymore. More than that, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so relieved [& honest] to report that now, not even a year after my divorce, that I am happy. I really am, and it's genuine this time. It's sincere, not urged or forced for the sake of blending in or standing out, whichever was called for. I'm happy, from the inside out and not the other way around.

 

However,

 

By that, I primarily mean that, we'll call it 98% of what was causing me to deteriorate before, has been removed and replaced with new, functioning elements that have been integral parts of my repair so far. The 2% I can't claim, though, is the lingering amount of anger I still have, because I am both stubborn and human. Because I have realized the anger I have, its targets and I have recognized that I will NOT be able to do a 180 turnaround overnight. I will continue praying, and continue focusing my energy on letting go of things beyond my control and out of my hair.

 

I will give you two very real, very legitimate reasons that I have to do this:  

they love me, & deserve the unfiltered best of my love

^ I admitted to myself today that I am not capable of loving the important people in my life now, the way I want to and the way they deserve, if I'm still harboring resentment or hate for anyone from my past. Chapters of my life were written and closed for a reason, and I need to focus now the fact that it didn't destroy me; in actuality it made me stronger, wiser and in some ways, more passionate about the ones I love and the causes in which I believe. It's taught me the stark differences between fake and real, forced and natural, and surface feelings versus a state of being that starts from places deeper than I've ever been before.
 

MONTHS ago, I started a series of letters. By series, I mean just a handful, but very specific and very different, in there own ways. Those letters will not be shared here, at least not by me, but it is my committment to an invitation given today by a Pastor I've yet to get to know well, to initiate the first step of forgiving: Them AND/or myself. I'm scared to admit that the latter will most definitely be harder than the first, but the angry cycle I'm in now has to break. 

 

I didn't much enjoy it while I was sitting through it this morning, feeling that familiar conviction when it seems like a lesson was written with your face in mind. It doesn't always happen that way, but when it does, I sit and hang onto each word, knowing that if I'm doing that, I must need it more than I thought.

 

I'll leave it at that.

 

Yours truly,  

imperfect, but trying.
i'm not giving up.

xo | cmd

✎ Transformation Tuesday : A Less Conventional Version

So lately I've caught on to the rest of my much-more-hip-than-me fellow social-networkers. The now-popular Woman Crush Wednesday, or Throwback Thursday are all over my newsfeeds every week on their respective days. I love seeing them, too; it's great seeing my friends and family as babies, awkward tweens, ragged college students and now adults, all thrown into one montage of photo evidence.

[This is about to be a ranty entry, filled with rambles and fuzz and all that stuff I get into when I get compelled to say something.... so sorry, in advance!]

So it is Tuesday, which appropriately warrants a post about it being TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY!!! [wa-hooooo!! .... yeahhh, I dunno...]

Anyway, so here it is! The big TT photo!

2011 vs. 2013

......... wait, what?
Yeah, I know. It's not a picture of me in a braces or my really swell Richard Simmons hair that I had when I was in 7th grade, or even me in college when I had blonde hair.. sorrryyyyy. These two pictures look way more alike than most that show stages of progression... other than my bangs, there's really not much different on the surface here at all.

... On the surface.

I've been really big on introspection over the past six months +. I feel like an old photograph facing restoration: still the same core components, just dulled and lackluster from time, exposure to elements and lack of proper maintenance. That is actually exactly how I am.

2011

Meet the Me, from 2010:

I had two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.
I had a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I looked healthy, smiled a lot, dotted my i's and crossed my t's.
... Oh, and I was slowly melting on the inside.

Yeah. Seems ungrateful, I know. I was married, too, which I won't fail to mention. I was living my life the best way I knew how under circumstances that had, at my silent permission, gotten far out of my control over just a couple short years. Was I a victim? No. I did it to myself. I had become a people-pleaser, perfectly against the grain of what I would've told any of the young girls under my mentorship in college. "Don't conform to the mold set for you by someone else, if it's not healthy for you. EVER." --- Well.... eat your words, Cori. In the short span of four years, I'd marked residence in four different states, more than six addresses, and for the better part of that time, left to my own devices caring for a brand new human being. Fact: I let that happen. I realized too late that what I'd lost, so far more important than a zip code or a box of belongings, was me. I stopped singing, at least like I meant it at least, I gave up soccer, put away my craft boxes, overcommitted myself to things and people that and who deserved much more from me than a superficial ceding, and found myself following the generic ebb and flow of day-to-day life as it asked me to. I spent a lot of time blaming someone else for things that were partially my fault, for the lack of feeling and emotional drout that had taken over me, because of what I felt I'd given, with nothing in return. 

I kept smiling. I pretended I was okay. I lied to myself and to everyone around me. No, I wasn't nearly on that "edge" that would create panic or worry about my literal life, but I was certainly a shell, happy-ish and complacent, energetic and busy, fueled sincerely at that point by my daughter and making sure that her life reflected the love I had for her, not the creeping sadness I had over many other things. I woke up day after day thinking that eventually I'd have the courage, the gut, the energy and the battle plan solidified to claw my way out of this ugly, plain place that I was.

 

And then I remembered:  

amen. aaaaa-men.

And so I did.

It was a long journey from that day I decided that I wouldn't wallow in self-pity, bitterness and all that other muck anymore. I looked around and realized I'd shut more doors than I'd opened, and it had to stop. I burnt things and people I never imagined I would, especially not unintentionally. I had to do something.

So I prayed.
And I prayed some more.
I cried. A lot. Prayed some more.

 

And then... I started healing. Not on my own, no.. certainly not to any credit of my own. My family, specifically my parents and sister, had become distant relatives rather than undoubted confidantes. I found myself staring each of them in the eyes and realizing the healing had in fact taken hold of things, and that it would be okay. I started being honest, almost brutally so in some capacities, about the things that make me tick or tick me off, and instead of compliance to everything asked of me, I re-learned how to say no.  

 

&& guess what?

 

#truth.

 

& nooooow...

2013!

Meet the Me, from 2013: 

 

I have two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.

I have a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I am healthy, I do smile a lot, & I say to heck with dotting or crossing letters. 
... I'm happy. I'm not perfect, but I. Am. HAPPY.

I'm no longer married, no. While it was at my bidding, I'm still not proud of how it ended or the fact that a marriage I had at all did not work; never was that an intention.. but that's part of my story now and I'm stronger and wiser because of it. I have a boyfriend now, someone who reflects the kind of compassion and love I want to give to someone. He accepts me both at face value and at the core, for who and what I am, but more and most importantly what I'm not. It's a refreshing change of pace I needed. My family is a communicating unit again. I made a few necklaces recently, was propositioned this evening actually for a photography opportunity I will not pass up if it materializes, and when I smile, I mean it. I'm hand-in-hand with the God who brought me through those dark days, who cleared away the film and cobwebs and brought me back to the me that, in a non-conceited way, I loved. I'm a firm believer that in order to love anyone else to the fullest capacity, you have to love yourself, even a little, where it counts if nowhere else, in order to do that. My relationships with friends I previously alienated are in their various stages of repair, Sydni now has two parents who see her more frequently as separate units than they both did under the same roof, and I'm launching into a new professional opportunity that is teaching me something new every day. Plus, I'm back in volleyball, soccer and if you really must know, belting every word to every song I know [& don't know] in the car, the shower and whenever else I feel like it.... which nowadays, is pretty much everywhere.

Let's review, because every good metamorphosis is derived from learning something..

✎I've learned that the God I serve has never and will never be farther than I can reach, even if that reach is barely inches from my side. Never will I ever be alone in this world, and never will my struggle be more than He can manage. I've learned that when I am embarrassed to look even myself in the eye in a mirror for the things I've let happen, He is still there, unchanged.

✎I've learned to well, LEARN! from my mistakes. I've learned to accept responsibility, no matter how grueling it may feel, and to grow from them. I've learned to utilize my shortcomings as fuel for re-forming myself into a person scarred, but not jaded.

✎I've learned that forgiveness is liberating. I've learned that forgiving myself continues to be one of the most terrifying things to do, but that it's not impossible. I've learned that forgiving others, even unwarranted, is a component of growth and maturity. I've learned the true value of a sincere apology, and both how to give and accept them.

✎I've learned to ask for help. [A few of you just fell off your chairs, I know :( ... ] I've learned that I can in fact let my guard down and I will not always get hurt... and hey, if I do, the world will not stop and I will. be. okay. I've learned to seek wisdom or aide from other people, and to do my own research before making brash or uneducated decisions.

✎I've learned the benefit of friends and family. I've learned that if you open yourself to the right people, you will become stronger, not weaker, from it. Specific to Rob, I've learned that it is possible for someone to love back, without reservation, without judgment, but with accountability and compromise. I've learned that my family will never abandon me, and I've learned that my friends are among the most loyal, available and forgiving that this world has to offer.

✎I've learned the power of a child's unfiltered love. There is next to nothing that I wouldn't do for Sydni; I've learned from her that life really isn't that complicated most of the time, and that if we forget to admire simple things, we'll miss the best things.

✎I've learned, quite literally, that time is lapsing, and nobody is getting younger. I've learned to either manage or accept the changes I can't avoid, be they on a global scale or down to the unescapable aging of my own physical body. I've learned that imposed change in turn requires internal change, and without a balance of both, there comes either stagnancy or chaos, both of which I'd rather not adopt. 

✎✎And OH, HOW I'VE LEARNED the absolute necessity of self-recognition. No, not to be conceited or lofty, but to realize my own limits and when to just plainly say, "enough." I've learned more efficient and diplomatic ways to fight for the things and people in which I believe, whether it's for or against, and regardless of how many others stand with me. I've learned that satisfying 100% of a crowd will never happen, but if I've done what's right and responsible, I should rest easy.

✎I've learned that I am a work.. in.. progress. And, I've learned that that's... okay. (:

So THERE.

END NEW CHAPTER. Of. Story.

On a lighter but still very relevant note, I laughed at myself tonight as I sat and watched the theatrical production of Les Misérables on the couch alone... ohhh how far I've come from nights of Family Guy or The Simpsons. I'm on to bigger, classier things now ;) ... I joke..I'm no snob, I just love theater [I always have], so indulging on that was an easy call.

So uhh, yep!
Transformation Tuesday. Next time, I'll dim it down and save you from my rants.. maybe show off those super swagger braces I had or perhaps the evolution of my poor hair from baby Asian bowl cuts to triple curly, to blonde, to short, long and everything in between just about. Or maybe I'll just find something else to rave over.

For now, it's time to hit the hay.
G'Nite, blogbots!

xo | cmd