h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

Attack of the Loom Bands

So, over the weekend while we were visiting with the Costanzas, I realized that these little rubber bands [I'm sorry, Loom Bands] that Sydni frequently brings home as a result of a day at Mindi's... are a big thing. I think subconsciously, I already knew that, but I also know that there have been plenty of times that we've given in to one of Syd's crafty cravings, only to find that she becomes bored with it within a couple of weeks.

This is probably going to be the same scenario, but in any case, I want to do what I can to foster her creativity, so naturally what did I do?

I followed Betsy's advice/lead and ordered some from Amazon.

she's one happy girl! 

Let me clarify. By SOME, you will receive about... 8,000 of these little rubber bands. That's the biggest some I've ever seen, but it makes sense. So we have some loom bands now, and after about 2 hours of separating colors, they are individualized [again per the Costanza model; thanks, guys!] for easy access and design.

I have a feeling our house will need a shakedown when we eventually move; we've been at it for just under 2 hours now and I'm pretty sure there are bands in places already from which they'll never return. Sigh...

bands on bands ... on bands. 

Here's to the next phase of crafting in our house!

xo | cmd

Wednesday Is Gear Day...

The best part about ordering things online is undoubtedly the day that you get them. It's even better when what you ordered is exactly what you wanted, the shippers got the order right, and even when you've guesstimated {<really? No autocorrect? Guesstimated is a word?..Huh...} the sizing of something, it turns out to be just right.

Today was a day of receiving many of the things I've recently ordered; things I've needed for a while now, but have pushed off until there was really a need to get them. That need of course: Panama.

timex :) 

So my WATCH is here! I was iffy about getting a white one, since I've traditionally always gone with black, or gray... or.... black or gray.. for those types of things.

I rendezvoused at REI [& didn't buy everything I saw!] with Becky after work for a quick browse through some of the smaller stuff I was going to need: a bowl, plastic ware and miscellaneous small things.

$15 say what? have we gone mad? 

^ Oh, and just a sidenote, NO.. I did not buy that bowl. I'm going into a mountain for like, 4 days. I don't need a $15 bowl. I found and purchased 2 non-flexy plastic bowls and two plastic sporks for under $7. There is no reason to buy one of these for what I need now. Just.. sayin'. Just because it's at REI does not mean you should pay REI prices, folks. REI, I still love you, but c'mon.... :)

We tested out  a two-person tent..

^ We vote sleeping pads if you're planning to sleep on the floor of a store.. haha :)

We finished there and headed out to the cars, where Becky surprised me with THIS!

sawyer!!

^YIIIEEE! Those little guys are lifesavers in filtration. Small & compact, easy to use and super effective when done correctly. It of course was on the list of things to get for not just Panama, but for other ventures into the woods that are starting to dot my Summer calendar already. THANK YOU, BECKY!!

After REI, we met up with Rob for dinner at El Rancho, and then parted ways before the winter storm that's been looming over us started to settle.

haha, love her.

At home, the socks I'd ordered were waiting. They're among the pricier things I've done so far, and honestly I probably didn't need to binge on them, but again, I was trying to think big picture and not have to do this later. Kinda solid logic, right? :/

I'm checking things off this Panama list like mad here lately. It's all coming together, and although my bank account is raising its eyebrow at me, I'm preparing for long-term things, too. I still need a new hammock and tent, but those are things that aren't necessary for Panama, so I suppose they'll wait. :)

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of support I [and we, my team!] have received over the last several months for this trip; Please, please, please continue to be in prayer for us! We're within a couple weeks of departure, and would greatly appreciate it!

xo | cmd

In My Sleeeeeeeeping... Bag!

GUYS. IT'S HERE.

yiiiieeee!!! :D

I desperately needed a new compression mummy bag, and today it arrived. I had planned on purchasing this on my own, but Lord knows they're a pretty penny. With this trip fast approaching, I knew I needed to revamp my gear, and this was one of the bigger ticket items on the list.

ROB, thank you to the moon & back for surprising me with this. It's amazing, and I hope you know how much I appreciate this gift! ♥

we're about to be pretty good friends..... 

I am one step closer to Panama... and might just sleep inside this thing tonight.. haha ;)

xo | cmd

More Family. More Food. More Fun!

We managed something of an "early" start this morning, even without rushing through breakfast or the multiple attempts at a family photo :).

it's been a long & incredible weekend ♥

cousins ♥

With promises to see each other within the next few weeks, we parted ways, with a pitstop destination in hand for Maricor's. It's been way too long since we've seen each other, so how appropriate it would be for us to swing through to celebrate some Christmas time with the James family.

Sydni took to her cousins as though no time at all had lapsed since their last visit; the girls took off at once to their own little world, leaving the adults to catch up on life and all the recent and upcoming things of life that will shape 2015.

My cousin is one of the few women in my life who knows me backwards and forwards, and past the point of where even a best friend can identify. She's been there for me through nearly every insignificant struggle I've ever faced, and without a doubt every single one of my major celebrations, let-downs, trials, mistakes and achievements. I am thankful beyond words to have the kind of connection that we do, and despite our infrequency in getting together, we, like the girls, can pick up right where we left off as seamlessly as though it was just the day before when we last saw each other.

[So Merry Christmas, Maricor! LOVE YOU!]

cousins! 

The girls of course had a mini gift exchange:

sophie. madison. sydni
cousins ♥

Major kudos points to her too; I couldn't tell you the last time I had pancit [Filipino dish], but I'm about to change that this next year, because it... is delicious.

pancit!
[masarap, masarap!!!]

We finally loaded up for our last leg of the trip back home, where we are now. I'm a little worn out but completely content with how the weekend panned out!

hi pup pups!! 

OH! I finished this tonight, too! This two-tone guy is for Maricor's sister, my cousin Caridel, and I'll be shipping it out in the next week or so. Phew! 

o-h.... i-o!!!!

And that's a wrap, folks. I'm outta here to switch spots with the laptop & snug up to these two ♥

love 'em. 

Happy Sunday to you & yours - Go take Monday by the horns!

xo | cmd

Christmas Eve!

It has been such a whirlwind of a week; I was more than happy to oblige the day off to hang out with my girl ;)

We ran a few final errands, which included delivering this bad boy [which is a day late in completion, but fortunately this one time, it's ok.. phew!]:

it's done!! happy birthday, andrew! 

Happy, HAPPY birthday, Andrew! I hope you love it! :)
I finally, finally, finally finished this thing, which took about three days longer than I'd anticipated, along with an entire extra skein of wool. Passing it along to Jessica for its actual gifting was both a relief and a loss; I've poured so much into this thing that it's bittersweet to see it go, but that's the life of crafting, I know... c'est la vie...

We dropped by Jess' studio to hand-deliver this bad boy, and caught her at the tail end of a client session. Sydni then had the chance to explore the likes of a fitness studio, and even got a quick sesh from its owner and personal trainer.

adorable. look at that form! ;) 

spartan in the making... 

OR....

aerial yogi in the making? ;) 

Hehehe... she's a gym lover! [Nope, not her mama's kid at all, huh... ;) pshhhh!]
We finished up with Jess and were on our way to complete a few errands and head home.

Workouts are exhausting, I'll give ya that, Syd:

zonked! 

Back at home, we relaxed into the evening and just before bedtime did our final preparations for the BIG day tomorrow. Santa has a lot of work to do, so we wanted to make sure he's properly fed and watered on his stop through here. She was so sweet!

come get 'em, santa! 

My sweet girl!! She just went down for the night, and I think it's high time we follow suit, so that we're not interrupting Santa's neighborhood route tonight.

See you then!

xo | cmd

Christmas Priorities... Pshhh... ;)

I can't believe Christmas Day is this week. The festive spirit got ahold of me this year and I'm on a roll preparing for it this year, more-so than the past few years, but I still can't quite grasp that it will all culminate this week. Phew!

Instead of staying home and diligently knitting away at Andrew's birthday/Christmas present like I should have tonight, I obliged Becky's invite to Comet for dinner, joined by Andrew himself [the ironyyyy], Jessica & Rob. While I lost several valuable hours of needle time, I wouldn't have traded it for the company, atmosphere and of course.. food!

quesadillas @ the comet.
'nuff said.

We're a funky bunch, I'll say that much. We eventually bid goodnight to Jess & Andrew, and followed Becky back to our house to hang out for a bit and watch the UC game. Sydni conned her buddy Becky into one of her endless endeavors as project manager in our house, and none of us were disappointed that giggles replaced the priority of watching the game.

little builders! 

The final countdown is ON! THREE DAYS! ♥♥

xo | cmd 

Oot & Aboot, Eh?

So today marked my first time in this office interviewing a true Canadian, and I must say it was a fun experience. It's the small things that intrigue me so, and this gent was nothing short of exactly what most people envision in conversing with a true northerner:

"Yeh kin tale me aboot thee hours, eh?" 

^ No, he didn't have a speech impediment or poor spelling skills; phonetically though, that's exactly what I heard when we sat down, and I thoroughly enjoyed just listening to him talk.

And so launched the rest of my day in which my brain translated everything in and out into what my brain imagined I would sound like if I were in fact a true Canadian. Fun fact for ya there.. haha..

Anywho, since Elisa's still out, Carri and I held down the fort for the final day of week and decided on a Christmas gift for our boss. We put our heads together and in a matter of minutes had selected, personalized and ordered our group gift. I volunteered for pickup, which I'm blaming as some out-of-body decision, given that I would be going to Kenwood Mall, on the Friday night before Christmas.

Here's a few movie clips that fairly encapsulate not my view of Christmas itself, but of the very concept of Christmas SHOPPING: 

Usually, I'm prompted by someone else to go with them. It's like employing the buddy system, because there is no telling what kind of crazy has materialized in the form of crazed, maniacal shopaholics.


So to all my friends who've ever said, "Yeah, it'll be fun to go shopping together!":

And then when I get within a 2-mile radius of just the mall parking lot [not even the actual mall]: 

When [today] I walked up to the counter with my online order receipt, and the poor underpaid gal at the desk couldn't find it anywhere in the mountain of completed orders, and turned back to me as though I would be able to sniff out the white stapled bag that was mine: [You know, that awkward moment when you second guess yourself on whether or not you should  know the answer to a question like that, so instead of audible words, you respond with a weird smile that makes it even more awkward...] 

feeling's mutual, girlfriend.

And then, that feeling after I'd been there for two and a half hours waiting for the product that I was there to retrieve [which by the time it was handed over was three hours past the pick-up time on the receipt]:

i'm doooooooooone!!!!!

Yeah. I and many of my friends/family have held retail positions in our past lives, and if there is one thing that bands everyone together like the dysfunctional little store family that you are, it's holiday shoppers. It's easy as the consumer to lose patience, become irritated, huff & puff over whatever-it-is-that's-really-not-as-big-of-a-deal-as-you're-making-it, and whatever other irrational behaviors that feel appropriate at the time, but as a general PSA [& reminder] to myself and all of you out there this year, please don't take it out on the store personnel, unless they have somehow deliberately and obviously taken strides to personally offend or inconvenience you. They're working the hours we don't want to, for pennies when you think about the chaos of Christmas shopping. So be aware, and even if you want to rip your hair out as you battle a crowd like a fish swimming upstream, just remember... Be Nice :) 

Ok, so mini rant aside, I did realize that I've apparently been gone from Kenwood long enough for them to install THIS without my noticing. This is dangerous for me: 

i'll be back for you, after Christmas shopping is over..... 

I'm not a fan of shopping in general, but I am a beanie fanatic, and this place knows my heart all too well when it comes to that. So yeah... (: 

I finally made it home to Rob, who was ready for some dinner, and suggested The Eagle in OTR without a second thought. GOOD CALL ♥

We made it down to OTR, found a parking spot directly in front of The Eagle, put in our name on the hour wait list and headed off to The Lackmann for a drink in the meantime. 

FYI, there's this at The Lackmann: 

kcco brew?? ok then! 

And finally, at The Eagle to wind down the night: 

nom nom nom!!

My man sure does deliver on a date night - we had a blast out with just each other and I'm so thankful for the fact that we can do that on any given night. 

Oh aaaaaaaaaand... it's the WEEKEND!

WooOO! :D

xo | cmd 

It's ELF Season!

THIS:

photo cred: kena betancur

^^
Yes, guys, we are one of the households that has its own Elf on a Shelf, sent from Santa himself to grace our home when we're not looking. No, it's not the size of a parade balloon, but she's big in her own special way around here..

yep. 

I am well aware of the nay-sayers out there who don't participate in this fun little holiday tradition; we are however SO excited to have our own little gal elf, Lila, who finds her way back and forth between our house & the North Pole when the rest of us have gone to bed. She made her first appearance tonight and brought with her a book for Sydni [which went over perfectly]; thanks, Lila!

We'll get some pictures of Lila up here soon; for now, it's back to mama-daughter knitting. I know I posted a few shots yesterday of finished products, but I'm nowhere near done; they'll keep comin'!

knittin' fools over here :) 

See ya on the flipside, blogbots!

xo | cmd

[First] SSSSSSSSNOOWW!

Ohhhh, Sydni you lucky bug!

Here's one of those "old folk" moments where I get to say,

"When I was your age..... "

She had her first official snow day today, which did and didn't surprise me:
I wasn't surprised because it seems like it takes a lot less these days to warrant closing down, but a bit surprised, even offended in that joking-way as I thought back to the days when the drift would be halfway up our front door in the morning and we were still expected at our seats when the class bell rang.

Aaaaaanywho - it's our first snow of the year!

my backyard (: 

^^ (See? Noooot really that much snow)... Gorgeous, nonetheless!

Here's some shots I stole from my sister, back home at her property:

gorgeous work, sis! 

^^ She's up by my parents, which is North a few hours; their snowfall is usually a bit heavier than ours, and she's the lucky one of us who had time today to get out with a lens to capture it all. ♥ them!

Needless to say, it was a slow day at work, but I made up time afterwards on a couple of knitting projects that are kicking off the winter season. [Rob also warmed this place up with his signature turkey burgers; remind me next time to share that recipe!]

blueberry trinity infinity ["raspberry" stitch]
for elisa :) 

orange lorne infinity
for rebecca :) 

There will be plenty more knitting to come in the next several weeks as we prepare for Christmas. It's the perfect snowy day escape. Back to it!

STAY WARM & STAY SAFE, FRIENDS! 

xo | cmd

MONday Funday

Mondays usually give me some amount of anxiety, just from the inherent nature of Monday itself. Today though, while it was stacked top to bottom at work, proved to be busy but manageable. That's rare, for what I do, especially on Mondays. Haha. I'm not complaining.

Post-work was a continued contradiction to what Mondays usually bring. Sydni is back this week, and our first order of business was a little yard and garden work.

Over the weekend, Rob's mom gave us a couple of plants to get started. I decided this would be the perfect project for Sydni. She seemed to agree, wholeheartedly, when we parked ourselves on the front porch tonight to work on it!

let's get started!
[& yes, that's her chalk drawing of a cross on a hill.. ♥♥]

I'm convinced this little girl can do anything.

potted plant success
look at my little gardener!!

Excited!

i'm exciiiiiiited!

With the potted plants out of the way, she was ready to move on to the big leagues:

i'm digging... and i'm diiiiigging...

And to cap it off:
Watching that clip again now, I hear the bossy little girl from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory in my head making obsurd demands. So to clarify, no, Syd's not as spoiled as this clip makes her sound. I couldn't help but trade my garden gloves for the camera though as she fought with one pesky mosquito and several gnats that kept intruding on her workspace.

Either way, if she wants to claim a garden of all things, I'm not gonna stop her ;)
She's just like her mama.. haha.
G'Nite!

xo | cmd