h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

Cousins for Christmas

The past week's been ...... one. of. those. weeks.
My heart's been heavy with the weight of some things I hadn't expected, and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Everything from my soul to my skin feels tired, strained, and in need of some rest and healing. (Don't worry guys, it's a temporary lament - I'm not going anywhere, just being... human.)

I needed a break in the waves, so it was with a heart insanely full of gratitude that I headed out after church to catch up with my Ate Caridel, in town from Arizona for the holiday. To say that I needed the company of these women (& little women!) is an understatement.

I am.. so, so thankful for these ladies.

♥ ate caridel & maricor

♥♥ my heart was so happy to see them ♥♥

just add frappucino ;) 

pinsan ♥ | [cousin]

ate caridel ♥

Aaaaaaaaaalso, I'm not sure why I'd put off watching Crazy Rich Asians until tonight, but I couldn't have picked better company for a viewing party. I loved it, I love them, and I feel immensely recharged.

We're on the homestretch of 2018. I'm thankful for this season, as it's mixed with both anticipation and exhaustion. It's a strange blend, but 2018 has taught me more in one year than I'd expected or hoped. Today was a much-needed, much-appreciated chance to slow down and be present with some of my favorite humans.

I hope you're taking those moments this Christmas season, too - to slow down.. and just.. be :). ♥

xo | cmd 

To Easton We Go!

Dear Future Self: 

It's late in the evening, and I'm still smiling as I think of the day we just had. It wasn't anything huge, but it was everything to have had it, anyway. I hope that on a dark day somewhere down the road, you'll look back at today, in all its simple perfection, and remember how much love you felt today. 

Love, 

Your Present Self. 

**********************************

My mom's birthday was last Sunday, but since we can't be in six places at once, I wished her happy birthday over the phone. We decided mid-week that the weather would be just fine for us to meet up for lunch in Easton, which is just barely an hour drive for them. 

Oh, and in case you haven't been in Columbus in the past 15 years, the answer is yes, we are STILL under construction. 

I'd forgotten how ridiculous parking at Easton is on a Saturday, but we finally made it to the restaurant to meet up with Mom.  

could she be any more adorable?!

happy birthday, mom!

Since we were at Brio, Sydni got to have some fun of her own: 

And entertainment: 

^ I can't handle this girl ;) 

Anyway, more fun from mom's birthday lunch and trek around Easton: 

3 generations ;) 

gosh, these two... 

hahahaha

dad!

i may be partial, but i'm sure my mom is the cutest! 

so. much. love.

After lunch and a quick stroll around Easton, Sydni and I headed another 15 minutes north to stop in and say hi to Maricor.. 

cousin time! 

We're back home now, and with another good Whole30 dinner under my belt, I think this was a pretty good way to wind down the day. A friend of mine just got tattoo #1 tonight, so now I'll be on Pinterest for the next definitely-unhealthy-length-of-time digging around mandala elbow pieces.. because I'm the type of addict who can't bear hearing about it without also going to get one.. haha. 

All ideas welcomed. For now, as Iliza puts it, "PINPINPINPINPINPIN"

Happy Saturday, blogbots.

xo | cms

Mangos, Maricor & Macarons

My wonderful cousin was in town today for work. She made it a point to see me before and after, and I feel so loved for that.

We started the day with brunch at First Watch, complete with morning tonics [and no, not alcoholic].

good morning tonics! 

We went our separate was after that; I had the day at my disposal; fortunately I have a husband who obliges my unplanned requests to go lumber shopping in the middle of the day. I've had my written plans in place for a couple weeks now and continuing the mini library upstairs, and am so thankful that he goes along with these things. I don't know how I got so lucky... even if we both decided halfway through circling laps through Lowe's that we didn't feel like getting the entire sum of material we'd originally planned. This would do for now.

gosh. i love him.

Our DIY plans fizzled as soon as we got home from Lowe's, when we both looked at each other and admitted neither felt like starting on that specific project. Rob's been working on a motor rebuild, and I owed it to him to have time for that, instead of hoarding him to help me build a bench. I took the opportunity to run a couple errands.. and some other unplanned stops:

i will pencil this place into any agenda... and on any day. 

Macarons are kinda sorta YES and ABSOLUTELY YES in my book. I was craving some blackcurrant today, and of course one thing led to another and well..

blackcurrant

*Sigh.

i'll just take 1.
..... pair of boxes.... please. 

I circled back home, relaxed for a couple hours while I waited for Maricor to wrap up at work. She eventually finished, and Rob and I met her at Chuy's for dinner. If there's anything I'd ever wish in an imperfect world, it would be that all my favorite people lived closer. 

♥

Our first HOUR was spent waiting past other parties who'd arrived long after us, and we were a little skeptical on how the rest of the evening would fare in terms of service. We were proven so wrong, so quickly, by the awesome server named Bobby, who not only made us smile every time he came by, but gifted us a free sopapilla at the conclusion of dinner.

If it's possible to have a spirit animal for a night, well.. Bobby... ya nailed it.

sopapillas = divertidas ;) 

I couldn't have asked for a better self-paced Saturday, except for maybe one including Sydni. Next weekend, though. Next weekend. 

For now, we're fed, happy and calling it a night. 

Happy Saturday! 

xo | cms

Cousins Day at Kings Island!

This was a day meant for pictures, not words.
So with that being said....

suuuurprise! 

I surprised Sydni with an orchestrated trip to King's Island. She guessed that part of the surprise as we were turning into the parking lanes, but the bigger and better part of the surprise came when we strode into the dining hall and were greeted by none other than... cousins!

Maricor came down with the little girls and Shawna, along with some of Shawna's friends. We had the day at our leisure, and we took full advantage of it.

m&s deciding our course for the day.. 

 

why are we still sitting here?! 

Okay, okay, enough of lunch... it's piiiicture time! ♥

starting the day with sophie girl!

love these two

the big girls on the first ride of the day with the teenage girls 

gosh, i love these girls!
#cousins #sisters #family

Shawna & her friends soon split off on their own route for the day, which left Maricor & me with hours of fun at our fingertips with the girls.

carousel

so much fun! 

Syd usually spends her cousin time more predominantly with Madison, but today provided some solid bonding time with Sophie, which was thoroughly enjoyed!

s&s! 

silly faces!!

little monkeys! 

But of course, it was a pretty wonderful day all around :) 

hahaha

the "twins"

syd & mads

all legs!  

Hangin' out with Snoopy & Woodstock!

It was getting hooooot outside.. 

... so we decided to take a spin on the water ride ...

love love love it!! 

The girls loved it, and they had good reason. On a day like this, I think getting doused was part of what kept us all in good spirits :) 

sophie was upset because it took us so long to get back on the ride... again.. 

In between three rides on the water ride, Syd and I took a break to ride one of the bigger coasters; she's currently the only one of the three girls tall enough to ride it, so I indulged and soaked up every second of time with my girl!

roller coaster time! 

silly girls! 

sophie talking business... the older girls listening.. 

Our last stop of the day: Bumper cars! 

I was very much impressed by the girls hanging in as long as they did today, what with us zig-zagging from one far end of the park to the other, and then back again. Over, and over and over again.

cousins - love, love love you, woman! 

The day wound down, and we eventually filed out of the park about 7 hours after we'd arrived. Maricor and I had bets on how far we'd each get before the girls were out cold. We made it aaaall the way to the first stoplight.. haha.. 

zonked. mission accomplished! 

Fast forward to the drive home, immediate showers, a book read, dinner eaten and some night-ending snuggles to top off the perfect girls' day out. We are happy to be back home with Rob, who spent the day catching up on the list of things he's been stretching to get done for weeks now. We're a happy, tired little bunch tonight, and 110% thankful for it. 

Now bring on the...... work week. 

Tomorrow, that is ;) 

G'Nite! 

xo | cmd