h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

DO. THE. THING!

Well this is backdated a few hours, because well.. it just is.

ANYWAY - Look ya'll, it's a NEW year, so that means new things, for everyone! (Apparently today was a busy day; I'll get to that.)

Rewind to Christmas day, when an add popped up on Instagram from a tattoo artist in Cincinnati. That turned into me emailing from the car, and a short string of correspondence that then lead booking an appointment the next week.

Just. DO. THE. THING, right?!

ready to go do the thing! 

And so I did the thing! I emailed him three concept pictures, two of which were pulled out of the Pinterest black hole, and one was of his own work, because I needed his brand of line work and detail to be part of this.

Fast forward to now (well, last night, technically), when I walked into GUTS in Price Hill, where I'd hang out for the next five hours. Oh, and GUTS stands for Get Up Tattoo Society. GUTS :).

goodbye naked arm!

stencil on

FINISHED!

♥♥♥♥

The obvious MVP of the night here was Austin, for giving me the first large tattoo I'll have.. and for having the lightest hand I've ever experienced during a tattoo. The other MVP's were the handful of people who made themselves available to talk me out of my pre-chair nerves and hold conversation with me throughout that 5-hour session: You guys are the best.

But just before 11:30, we wrapped up work.. and Ta-Daaaaa!

phase one is done! 

The fact that I got there at 6pm was most definitely a good thing; I would've been there for 13 hours probably, if I'd been allowed, and my arm would've been wrapped entirely when I walked out. Oh well - gives me a good reason to go back!

While I was there, Britta was in Chicago getting her septum pierced!

septum!

Brandi was getting a bunch of hair cut off...

(she's pretty either way, duh!)

So naturally, I'm now mulling over piercings and drastic haircuts, in addition to the design for the next phase of my sleeve. I'm open to suggestions!

Cheers to all of us and all of you who are doing new things to start this year!

xo | cms

Sunday Fun Day in ChiTown USA...

I momentarily forgot where I was again this morning when I opened my eyes, but was immediately reminded that the city awaited us on the other side of the window, 31 stories below:

sunday in the chicago atmosphere

Departure mornings are always a test of initiative, memory, checklisting, communication and the ability to play travel tetris with your luggage, pillows, etc. so you can haul it all in one trip without the bellboy's help. At least that's how it was for us this morning, trying to drag ourselves out of bed, put ourselves together to look mildly human, pack all of our things in a makeshift sense of semblence and then leave the hotel room without leaving anything... behind.

It's a miracle we remembered where the car was parked.

As challenging as the check out process can be, the drive up to Southport Ave. was the complete opposite:

blue skies cruise, a marina and miles of happy people enjoying the day! 

Speaking of happy people, I think we were ALL happy when Britta descended from her apartment a few blocks away to join us for brunch at Southport & Irving! I'd told her I'd love to see her while we were in the city, but I really didn't expect her to come dressed just like Ali.. haha. 

No seriously, I can confidently say that Britta and I hold the record for the shortest amount of time taken for two strangers to become instant friends, but Ali and Britta just came in a close 2nd. I mean the two of them practically dressed like twins, without even a chance to plan it.  

instafriends! 

french toast, ya'll..
southport & irving | chicago, il 

We ate, we laughed, and we snapchatted. Ali & Damanji are officially SC Assassins in my book; they both managed to get some fantastically troll-esque captures of me. Damanji took the liberties of drafting a side-by-side comparison, and I've gotta say, he's not wrong...

grampy troll... and cori. :0|

more snappy fun.. these are reactions to some of the questions our table
received in the span of the hour we were there.. 

After Southport, we traveled just around the riverbend! CORNER.. to GingerSnap; it's a place Ali found online and committed us to because it says Ginger, and because she is the lens behind GingerSnap Photography. So it makes sense. Right? Right.

it's like the place was made for her! 

reunited!! 

In case you missed what I said about Britta & Ali dressing up like twins, there's this nicely posed sorority picture as proof: 

twinsies! 

Damanji & I have been pretending all weekend that we're as hipster as we feel, so we seized this opportunity to do something hipsterish, in the doorways [to the soul] on this street, illuminated by the light of a thousand serenading high-efficiency lightbulbs. Or something. 

you look so.... pensive

Q: How many hipsters does it even take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's a number you probably haven't heard of yet...

deep in thought about life, the universe, and probably donuts.... 

Q: How many kale smoothies did I drink before this picture? 

A: I'll build you the answer out of upcycled pallets. Stay tuned.

yayyy for friends! ♥♥

We finally said our see-ya-later's to Britta, and loaded up for the trip back to Naperville. From there, it was quick hello's and farewell's to the family,l and then Damanji and I were back in our separate cars, bound respectively for STL & Cinci. 

At least it was as beautiful day for a drive! 

don't skip these, kids... don't skip these. 

almost there :) 

they're much prettier in the daytime! 

Happy birthday, Ali... I hope you had the best birthday yet, and I miss the fun already! It was such a fun weekend meeting some new faces and reuniting with the familiar ones! 

See you on the flipside, blogbots..

xo | cmd