Omniscience.

Today made me happy. For a few reasons:

First, there was church.

Then there was barbeque.

And then soccer.

A homemade drop top guestbook.

Cleaning, laundry, wedding planning.

Snuggles & bedtime stories.

**************************************

So I wanted to talk about this whole mini-series that our Pastor has constructed for us, based on the concept of drones. Yes, drones - those all-seeing aerial cameras that have become so popular over the last several years.

Omniscience. I sat for the morning hour today and listened to things I already know, but decidedly needed put into short, concise bullet points for the taking. See, as we plow steadily through this final phase of wedding plans, I find myself not nervous, but anxious. I'm anxious! The "end" is in sight, and in another couple of blinks, it'll be upon us, and then it'll be over, and this flutter of loose ends will become a thing of the immediate past. The result will be a wonderful party with our closest friends and family, to commemorate the changing of my last name and two people making one promise of indivisible partnership for the rest of our lives.

I can't wait.

For now though, I'm anxious.

Why is that?!

One of the opening passages for this message today was Hebrews 4:13:

Nothing is all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Okay, so let's peel that apart like an onion:

1. There's not a door in the world that's either so thick or so tightly sealed to separate me from God.

2. I'm accountable, both in and out of sight.

3. He's not surprised by anything, and there's ab.so.lutely nothing that is too large a challenge for Him.
(This is a bigger onion, but we'll save the rest for another day.)

I thought about this as I sat among my church family, and realized that (once again), He was making a clear point to me about my anxiety and stress as I plan this wedding.

He sees all. He knows all. He has conquered all. Why then, do I worry? Why do I give in to the pressures of multi-tasking, logistics and coordination? It's not bad stress! It's a good thing, that we have a wedding to plan! It's incredible that we are getting married, and whatever work must be done to create our special day is worth it, no questions asked.

And as I think about what the future post-wedding looks like (which I tend to do at more often than I realize at this phase in the planning), I start to wander off into that field of weeds where uncertainty grows like vines, over rocky ground. Today I was reminded that it's not my job to know the future. It's not my job to carry the past. It's my job only to trust in Him, and accept that whatever He has planned for me, and whatever He has led me through before, is part of the big picture of my time on this earth.

He. Is. Omniscient.
And I am not.
And that, is how I'll start this week.

xo | cmd 

I've Been There.

This one's a little intense.

Little known fact that I'm about to share with you guys.. and a note that I'm just.. putting out in the universe, so to speak, for the girl who reminded me this morning of the places I've been and the places I won't be returning to.

Dear Sara*
*Yes, I changed her name.

You served me coffee earlier this morning, at a place I visit nearly every morning for the same reason: coffee. You were friendly, polite and you smiled. At face value, it was as mundane an interaction as could be for a morning in line for coffee. But here's the thing: Your smile looked tired. Beyond that, you had two very clear, very dark bruises beneath each of your eyes.

Sara, for all I know, those could very well have come from softball. You could've been in a bad car accident recently, and the glasses you wear could've been forced into your face. I have no idea, and while I hope to assume the best in other humans, the reality is often the opposite. So I say this to you: If those bruises came from the hands of another human, well.. know this:

I have been there. I have seen knuckles coming at my face, and I've felt them make contact. I've been shoved. I've been kicked. I've had my back against the railing of a 4th story fire escape, wondering if I'd be pushed over it.  Fortunately, that was the one and the only time that I ever actually thought it might be over. But it wasn't. I hit rock bottom that day, and realized that everything I'd dealt with: every hurtful word, every scratch and bruise, all the money I invested into makeup at the last minute to cover up those scratches. Every time I blamed myself for not being the right type of person to someone who, in the reality of it, really wasn't even worthy of me on my worst day.

Sara, if you feel like that's a self-righteous way to feel, or an entitled thing to say... you're right, it certainly does feel like that when you're living in that moment. It does feel like perhaps you're being selfish, or unappreciative. It feels uncertain, and therefore an even scarier prospect to explore than staying right where you are. 

But I can also say this: That doesn't mean it's wrong. 

In fact, it's very much the opposite. You've probably been told by people who know you far better than me that it's time to get out of that. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. You should walk away. A thousand other solicited and unsolicited bits of advice have likely been handed to you, but maybe nothing more than that, because that would take someone out of their safe zone. 

You should know something: My advice to you means nothing, because well, you don't know me. What I can tell you with absolute truth though, is that you are beautiful. You are alive (and should have a vested interest in keeping it that way!), and you are strong. You are stronger than any and all of this, and while you might not see it in this moment, you really are capable of all the things you've denied yourself for however long it's been. 

Sara, I'll be back to see you probably tomorrow sometime, both because coffee is part of my morning routine, but also because I want you to know that I am here (because I fought for it), and I want to help you. I won't push, but please know that in meantime, I'm praying for you - that if it's not me you choose to confide in, that at least it's someone who is truly willing to help you remember just how worth it you are. 

It's a beautiful day, blogbots - take time today to encourage someone around you - you never know - you could be changing someone's life! 

Peace, Love & Praise ♥

xo | cmd

25 Days [Future Husband]

Today was a pretty busy day, not with anything particularly memorable, other than it marks exactly 25 days until my wedding!

Don't worry folks, I'll soon be done with wedding talk, but for now...

♥ him! 

He's my person, my better half and soon-to-be sharer of his last name ♥.
I.. can't... wait.

Cheers!

xo | cmd 

There Ya Go, Cairn

I've had this Cairn box subscription for what seems like forever [it's only been six months at most, I'm pretty sure. I have a mixed-emotion relationship with my monthly boxes, for the same reasons I've read them having: an inevitable surplus of sticks [chapstick, sunblock stick, wax stick, bugspraystick.. stick stick stick...]. There's also a rapidly-amassing collection of LED lights - strands, blocks, charger blocks, headlamps, twisty wires, you name it. And then there's the varied samples of edibles: energy bars, blocks & bites, freeze-dried things, all sorts of travel-sized snacks and coffee. Every so often, there's a box like this month's, that is really, really nice. :)

Yes, please - coffee mugs, portable coffee drop [uhhh.. YEAH] & pour over coffee.
Baaaasically, I've decided that if Cairn wants to send me coffee-based things every month for the rest of the time I have this subscription, I'd be juuust fine with that.

yeeeeeuuuup.

Thanks, Cairn!!
Today was a mighty, mighty-crazy day, and I can't say I'm sad to bid goodbye to it this week. Monday, we'll try this again next week.
Cheers!

xo | cmd

Tis the Season!

Let the memories come flooding back!

Today was Sydni's first official game, now that she's playing with SAY. It was an absolutely beautiful day and couldn't have been better weather to go watch some soccer!

Pictures are better.. yes?
Yes:

SAY!

go syd, go!

 This little girl and her team played their hearts out!

And because Sydni is cut from the cloth of a field player and a keeper, it seems only fitting that she play both in the same game. I see a well-rounded player in the making, yeah?

They didn't win this one, but whatever. That will come in time and with practice. For now, we're enjoying this budding little athlete in action.

Happy Sunday!!

xo | cmd