Omniscience.

Today made me happy. For a few reasons:

First, there was church.

Then there was barbeque.

And then soccer.

A homemade drop top guestbook.

Cleaning, laundry, wedding planning.

Snuggles & bedtime stories.

**************************************

So I wanted to talk about this whole mini-series that our Pastor has constructed for us, based on the concept of drones. Yes, drones - those all-seeing aerial cameras that have become so popular over the last several years.

Omniscience. I sat for the morning hour today and listened to things I already know, but decidedly needed put into short, concise bullet points for the taking. See, as we plow steadily through this final phase of wedding plans, I find myself not nervous, but anxious. I'm anxious! The "end" is in sight, and in another couple of blinks, it'll be upon us, and then it'll be over, and this flutter of loose ends will become a thing of the immediate past. The result will be a wonderful party with our closest friends and family, to commemorate the changing of my last name and two people making one promise of indivisible partnership for the rest of our lives.

I can't wait.

For now though, I'm anxious.

Why is that?!

One of the opening passages for this message today was Hebrews 4:13:

Nothing is all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Okay, so let's peel that apart like an onion:

1. There's not a door in the world that's either so thick or so tightly sealed to separate me from God.

2. I'm accountable, both in and out of sight.

3. He's not surprised by anything, and there's ab.so.lutely nothing that is too large a challenge for Him.
(This is a bigger onion, but we'll save the rest for another day.)

I thought about this as I sat among my church family, and realized that (once again), He was making a clear point to me about my anxiety and stress as I plan this wedding.

He sees all. He knows all. He has conquered all. Why then, do I worry? Why do I give in to the pressures of multi-tasking, logistics and coordination? It's not bad stress! It's a good thing, that we have a wedding to plan! It's incredible that we are getting married, and whatever work must be done to create our special day is worth it, no questions asked.

And as I think about what the future post-wedding looks like (which I tend to do at more often than I realize at this phase in the planning), I start to wander off into that field of weeds where uncertainty grows like vines, over rocky ground. Today I was reminded that it's not my job to know the future. It's not my job to carry the past. It's my job only to trust in Him, and accept that whatever He has planned for me, and whatever He has led me through before, is part of the big picture of my time on this earth.

He. Is. Omniscient.
And I am not.
And that, is how I'll start this week.

xo | cmd 

I Have Decided - Pursue the Battle Lines

And here I thought last week's Sunday sermon was designed to rock me to the core. I mean, it did, but today's was the refresher course that I really needed. Rob, too. We were privileged to be in the audience for the guest preacher, a Zimbabwe native with a first hand glimpse at life on the other side of the spiritual line.

I would much rather let him share his message with you himself, via webcast, so I'll most definitely post it when SonRise gets it up on the website. In the meantime, we'll have to settle for the Storytellers' abbreviated version:

Today we listened to a man whose childhood consisted of a life of rituals, witch doctors and spiritual seances purposed to channel the voices of the deceased. He was witnessed to by a nun, and that led to a decision that would change his life, and ultimately provide him with the information and passion to share his testimony with congregations along the way, just like ours.

What I love, is when something is stated simply: In his case, the fact that whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we are on the front lines of a spiritual conflict. No, it's not a mystical, fantasy, imaginary world. It's the world in which we live, where we are faced with the decisions daily of who and what will influence us, and in what ways.

We must be armed. We must be prepared. We accomplish preparedness by reading the Word. We ready our hearts and minds by establishing the truth in them, so that when false words and claims are presented, that truth will acknowledge. We resist temptation by understanding our limitations and relying on our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to stand beside us in the seasons where our areas of weakness may otherwise distract us. It's a commitment that we must have, to pray. For protection, for guidance and for perseverance of ourselves, our brothers and sisters, our families, children, friends and those who don't yet even know Christ. It's a full-fledged war, in which we put our trust in the power and ability of God.

I can't wait to share the full vido here; I'll absolutely do that as soon as it's up live!
In the meantime, a friendly reminder that the first meeting for this year's Panama trip is next Sunday. I found the video on the SonRise site and thought I would share it, just in case you're curious about what it is in which we invested ourselves last year in April.


For now though, it's the day of leisure that Sunday should be...  .... okay, well maybe with a little bit of Pinterest to boot. I mean, we're going to have a couple of rooms to decorate here soon, right? 
:)  xo | cmd

I Have Decided...

Confession: It's been a couple of weeks since I've been to a Sunday service at our home church. Between traveling, holidays and being so sick that I declined movement beyond the path from my couch to the bathroom for nearly two entire days.

My parents were in town for the weekend and nobody was sick. We were finally all assembled in town for a weekend, so it seemed a perfect a time as any to find our seats and be fed with a morning of worship and lesson.

Have you ever been in a service that speaks so clearly to you that you're almost certain it was written specifically for you? Well, this was one of mine.


No, it wasn't emotionally riveting. It was practical. It's an understatement to call it practical, really. It's applicable, realistic, achievable and above all, an integral part of how we as Christians are expected to live. Rob and I have a lot of financial changes coming this year, and we need as much wise guidance as possible. 
I went back and studied the notes again today, from yesterday's service. There's some excellent stuff here, packed into just an hour message with our senior pastor, Jeff. 
I said I didn't have any real New Years Resolutions for 2016. After yesterday, I'm not certain that's entirely true. I said that if we made it through the major events of this year with our sanity and a couple bucks left in our pocket, that'd be good... BUT, after yesterday, I'm challenging myself to not only saving, but better allocation of what we have. We're fortunate enough now that we don't live strictly paycheck-to-paycheck, but we certainly don't do nearly as well as we should with discipline in our giving, saving and spending. 
So there it is folks: last Monday of January and I just changed my mind that I do in fact have one new years' resolution, and that will be the one that helps propel my entire family in the right direction. 
For the time being: Pray, plan and perfect it. Stay tuned; I'm pretty sure our next step in this plan will involve Dave Ramsey :). 
For now, take a listen [& a watch] to that message, and see if you don't get something out of that, too! 
G'Nite blogbots.. 
xo | cmd

Via Son-Rise : Culture Shift [Week 3]

That? That's the current banner from my church's website, on rotation for the next few weeks as our pastor & leadership team walk us through this series appropriately titled, Culture Shift.

I'm going to eventually come back to this and update the podcast link, but that's after the web masters upload it for the rest of us to see & share it. I took copious notes as Pastor Jeff unpacked this for us, and wanted to reiterate them by way of translating them from my notebook to this page. You know, repetition, repetition, repetition: the easiest way to begin committing something to memory starts with simple, intentional repetition.

So here it is, from the Son-Rise prompted format, with my own spin. Please note that I'm not taking credit for the content, but... well, it's meant to be shared. All disclaimers aside, here we go.

Okay, so first things first: For those of you who are familiar with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego [& the story for which they're best known], you'll have a comprehensive edge on this before we even start. If you have no clue who they are, it's okay - I can explain.

If you're more of a visual learner with a sense of humor, watch this:

The summarized backstory on Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego:
About 600 years before Jesus was born, there was King Nebuchadnezzar: the king of Babylon and a real stand up guy [except not really, at least not at that point] who conquered Jerusalem and extracted some of its best & brightest young men to mentor into his service. King Neb = Tyrannical recruiter. He had help, namely from his right hand man/Chief Official Ashpenaz. I know, their names are really somethin' else. So the king and his chronies besiege Jerusalem, and among the young scholarly men, they take with them these four:

Daniel (you know him as Belteshazzar)
Hananiah (you know him as Shadrach)
Mishael (you know him as Meshach)
Azariah (& you know him as Abednego)

Envision the most able-bodied, handsome, intelligent young men that a city has to offer: the best of the best, if you will. Well, that's these guys, and the king wants to train them for 3 years on Babylonian literature, language, food and overall culture. 

Ashpenaz (the king's right hand official) was charged with overseeing the training and forced integration of these guys into the Babylonian culture, which included their dietary regimen. Since Jewish people had specific disciplines in that area, what they consumed had a direct impact on their identity. 

To keep this short [you can find this story in the first chapter of Daniel, FYI], Daniel propositioned to Ashpenaz that he and the other three be allowed to consume vegetables and water for 10 days [now known as The Daniel Fast]. a way to test their resilience and overall appearance in comparison to their peers who chose to adopt the Babylonian diet. At the end of those 10 days, they appeared healthier and had stronger minds than the other trainees, and were ranked at the top of their peer group. As King Nebuchadnezzar expanded his reign, he demanded that refusal to worship idol gods be punished by death - specifically burning in a furnace. 

I'll stop there. That's a lot to absorb, but that's just the backstory that parallels and supports the theme of today's installment in the Culture Shift series. 

*****

It's 2015. 

Let's not pretend that our culture has changed overnight. Let's also not pretend that we as a collective society have not changed as a result of shifting culture. There is a lot to balance in our culture: our religious beliefs, morals & values, political beliefs, social beliefs.... I mean the list is endless. It's a world of decisions. It's a world of pressure to make those decisions. It's a world of pressure to stand by those decisions. 

So culture is shifting. Let's agree on that. 

The question that lead the discussion today: 

How Am I Responding To It?

We broke into the little notes insert to fill in some blanks. The first of which was this: 

1. Culture will try to rename me. 

> This hit me hard, and it was only the first bullet point. 

>> What do you mean, "rename me?" 

>>> It's simple. When we fall prey to letting culture dictate who we are, what we are, and what we're worth, we are letting it re-name us:

Future Scholar Stupid, boring, useless.
Beautiful Child Ugly, fat, unlovable.
Impactful Dull, unimaginative, nothing. 

If you were wondering why each of those four guys a little further up had two names, here's why: 

When they were taken out of Jerusalem, the Babylonians changed their names. 

Here are the translations, and how those were intended to shift their focus:

Daniel: "God is my judge." (Hebrew)

Belteshazzar: "Lady protect the king." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from God.... to man. 

>> The change implied that man [the king] held more worth and fortitude than God, and that Daniel's role in that relationship was to be objectified and identified only as someone whose purpose in life would be to protect him [the king]. 

Hananiah: "Yahweh has been gracious." (Hebrew)

Shadrach: "I am fearful [in this context, "afraid"] of God." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from 'God is good'.. to 'God is bad.'

>> This intended to support the belief that God is not compassionate, instead a list of rigid rules to be followed. 

Mishael: "Who is what God is?" (Hebrew) 

Meshach: "I am despised, contemptible & humiliated." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from confidence.. to cowardice. 

>> Perhaps the most obviously mocking change; the name Mishael, in Hebrew translated to the question of who could be what God is already. It was a name honored by the hope & confidence in pursuing a life that mirrored God, and would be honored as such. Meshach was a name given to the weak, feeble and cowardly. 

Azariah: "Yahweh has helped me." (Hebrew)

Abednego: "Servant of Nebo." (Babylonian; Nebo = an idol god)

Focus shifted from son.. to slave. 

>> I saw this as the most literal of the four: The Hebrew name plainly giving glory to God for help & relationship, and the Babylonian identifying him now as a servant or a slave. 

Right out of the gate, these four were re-named. Their literal identity was changed. They were left with the decision of whether or not they would change. 

We in the present are constantly left to decide whether or not we will adjust our identity to reflect some sort of label, title or other form of identity placed on us by the culture we live in. 

The second point:

2. Culture will try to tame me. 

> Daniel 1:8 - Daniel has resolved not to defile himself by adopting the food of the Babylonians. He is not arrogant in doing so, but knows his values and is, determined to keep them. 

>> In what situation have I been challenged to compromise one of my beliefs, be it political, social, religious or otherwise formed, to conform? 

>>> Ashpenaz [the chief official] hears Daniel's resolve and responds out of his own fear of MAN [aka, the king]. Daniel's response? 'Thanks, but no thank you. Let us eat this veggie+H20 diet for 10 days and see if we don't outshine those other guys we came with. What do you think?' And let's not pretend that Ashpenaz suddenly had a change of heart when he heard that; there was a divine intervention and the men were allowed to adhere to their fast for 10 days. They came out on the other side stronger, brighter & more able to fulfill their duties than anyone else. Daniel became the king's advisor, where he continued on to interpret some of the king's dreams and advise in other areas.

How am I being challenged by culture to be tame?
.. And how am I responding to that? Am I caving to pressure, or am I staying resilient to my values & convictions?

3. Culture will try to claim me. 
> The defining moment in the Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego story came when King Neb decided that all of Babylon should bow and worship one of his self-proclaimed idol gods. The price of denying was death, by way of being thrown in a furnace to burn alive. Sounds fun, right? :/ S, M & A refused to worship a false idol, insistent that their loyalties would stay with the God they served. Their choice not only earned them a fiery death sentence, but enraged Neb so much so that he ordered the furnace to be 7x hotter than usual for the occasion.
>> S,M & A were thrown into the furnace with the expectation of it being a quickly-completed affair.

NOPE.

The story goes on to show that the king & his team looked into the furnace, and instead of three men dying, saw four figures standing in the flames, completely unaffected by them. King Neb beckoned them out, and three emerged, untouched. They claimed God had protected them, and with the visual proof before his own eyes, Neb had no choice but to declare his respect for their God. Sure, he was still pretty backwards about the whole consequence=death thing, but it was a step in the right direction.

So how that applies to me [& us, really]:

Culture will try to claim us. We will be swallowed whole by the pressures & expectations of the world in which we live, if we don't know ourselves and our resolves. We'll flounder without direction if we don't set our boundaries. If we exercise arrogance, pride and reckless behavior instead of humility, gratitude and intentional determination, we'll lose ourselves to culture's demand, and by doing so lose our identities. We'll become nothing more than the embodiment of culture's expectations; a shell of the person we were specifically designed to be, by a creator who loves us as He made us.

I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to be that.

*****

So in closing, PJ had us ask ourselves this: 

Will I change the world, 

or will the world change me? 

From where does my identity come? 

... From my body image? 

... From my grades? 

... From my worth in my career?
... From how other people view me? 

Or.... 

... From God? From the one who designed me from the inside out, before I was ever conceived in the flesh? Wouldn't that make more sense?! 

It's a whole bunch to absorb, I know. I walked out of church today with my head spinning, and wasn't sure how I'd reconstruct my makeshift notes into something with some sense of chronology. It's still fresh in my head, so hopefully I was able to accomplish that. 

If you've stuck it out through this entire entry, kudos to you!

And, if you have any questions, ask away and I'll do my best to answer you - or at the very least, point you in the direction of some mentor whose wisdom in the matter surpasses mine. 

Go change the world, blogbots! You're built to make an impact, and we believe me, you can. ;) 

Love & HONOR to you! 

xo | cmd

We Are CALLED To Bless

I've been in prayer over the past few weeks on the decision I made to take on a missions trip. I would love to say that I've been given a clear, concise answer as to what it is I'll be doing, exactly where I'll be doing it and exactly when that will happen. Unfortunately, I've not been given any answers, but I'm fine with that, because I know that I'll be placed where I'm supposed to be, at the exact moment that I need to be at that place, for a reason I might not recognize until it is literally right in front of me. That is the beauty of faith.

With everything that's been scheduled for us over the past couple of weeks, it felt like much longer than two Sundays that I'd missed when I walked into SonRise today. Rob was still sick, and opted to stay back, so I ventured out on my own.

I'm glad I did. I walked into church and was immediately greeted by a foyer filled with people, balloons, posterboards and popcorn. It looked a lot like an expo of some sort, because it was an expo - a Ministry Expo.

sonrise ministry expo!

This was perfect.
Since I've moved back to Ohio, I have yet to plant my feet so firmly in a church that I am immersed yet in the ministry projects. That's not a good thing. I've still been experimenting here and there, visiting churches that I've not yet seen, trying to keep an open heart to where I should settle and plant my roots. Honestly, I've never homed myself [in my adult life] in anything other than a Baptist church, so naturally, exploring in and of itself has been something of a new experience as it is.

I have prayed over this often in the last year, especially after visiting a few of the area's Baptist churches and not feeling that connection that isn't decided my me, but rather by the overall atmosphere. I am sure they are wonderful places, but there's been something telling me that I need to explore what has been under my nose this entire time.

And that is SonRise. Yes, it's a community church; some call that non-denominational. I say that I'm less concerned about choosing a specific Christian division than I am about finding a place that coincides doctrinally with what I believe. I'm pretty simple. Love God, Love People. I borrowed that from my church in Illinois [Shout out, Towerview], but it's true and it's easy. Love God, Love People.

I see that at SonRise. I see a thirst to educate the kids and youth on reaching out in their worlds with the values that may, especially in today's society, defy the evolving social standards of their peer groups. I see the adults being guided, not forced, to recognize areas in which they can develop, correct or improve themselves in practical ways to have the impact we're designed to have.

Today, I took copious notes as I followed along with Pastor Jeff, on the calling we all have to use what we're given to bless others. I explored the Ministry Expo set up in the foyer, both before and after the service, and was a little taken back by just how obvious the opportunities to minister locally are for me. That, and how many!

just some of the ministry opportunities.. right.. under my nose.

Call me cliché if you want, but I am a firm believer that I've been the happiest when I'm doing something for the benefit of someone else, and can see the amount of joy that brings them. It didn't always, and still doesn't "come naturally" to me, as some people would suggest of those who love helping other people. No, I'm human. There are days when I want to be selfish, and every so often yes, I indulge those urges and internalize my energy instead of apply that to helping someone else. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm always helpy helperton. I'm human with human nature, and I am proof that dying daily to myself is a PROCESS.

Anyway, back on track, I discovered today that the seemingly murky responses I've felt thus far regarding an all-out missions trip may be due to the fact that I've yet to plant any of my missions efforts here, locally. It only make sense. The more I thought about it today, the more sense it made.I need to be here before I can be anywhere else. It all starts internally, and emanates from there.

I took lots of notes. I always try to capture any sermon with my own notes, so that I can refer back later and recall what stood out the most. Today, it wasn't one singular thing that made a mark, but just the concept of deflecting the focus off of myself and into the efforts of bettering someone else's life, if even for just a few minutes at a time.


must... remember!

And I remembered. I can write. That means that I know how to formulate encouragement to someone who might need it. I can cook. There are people who don't have the time, resources or ability to eat a good meal, let alone create one. I can sing. Music is therapeutic; there's no mood to which some sort of music cannot be paired. I love all those things, and I'm capable of much more that I don't always see. As it stands right now, very few people stand to benefit from any of my talents, mediocre as they may be. I can't share them if I don't apply them.

SO... Here's where I re-direct my prayers of mission. If across the world is where I'm meant to be, then great, that's where I'll be. As of now though, I feel like I need to just open myself to what is here, now. It's a matter of plugging myself into a homefront before I can expect to gain traction anywhere else. So, if you wouldn't mind, keep me in mind when you pray for local missions. This is about as local as it gets for me, but I'm starting to believe this is where I'm meant to be, for now. (:

*****

Speaking of blessings, I ran into an old friend a few weekends back when Jesse was in town visiting us. It's been nearly seven years since Justin and I played soccer together, but it seemed only fitting that since that's where we met, that's where we would start hanging out again, reconnecting after so long. So for the first time in over a year, I laced up the boots and hit the field with an indoor team, serving as a starter since their other girl didn't show up.

a familiar, endearing sight!

Tonight reminded me how greatly different soccer is than just a standard butt-whooping at a gym. It doesn't matter how much you train at the gym, soccer will find a way to target and destroy a completely different set of muscle groups. Haha. I held my own, but I'm already sore and looking forward to getting back into this on a regular basis. Yay, CINCINNATI and your indoor soccer networks!!

 

Back at home after the game, Rob and I decided that all of nothing sounded that great for dinner, so we pigged out like a couple of rabbits on what actually is probably healthier than most things we could've chosen to eat...

yeeeup. healthy hogs. haha..

Poor Rob is juuuuuust about back to 100%, although I think our attempt to find Anchorman 2 funny at all may have just caused a setback. Haha. Seriously, NOT... funny :( Oh well.

 

Tomorrow we're back to the work week; I have a feeling this week is going to be far less hectic than last week [at least I'm hoping for it, anyway].

 

See ya then!

 

xo | cmd

Hello, DECEMBER

As promised, we started our day - and December - off right, worshipping down the street at SonRise. I haven't made any final decisions yet, but I think this just might be my resting spot in terms of a church home back here in Cincinnati. There are a lot of different choices, but there are many facets I appreciate at SR. I'll keep you posted.

I started the month off as the now 29-year-old me. It's really not that different from 28, other than next year I'll be bidding farewell to my twenties. We'll cross that emotional bridge another day; today I'm feeling thoroughly blessed on all accounts.


and this is 29. feels good. (:

In the holiday vacation absence of the senior pastor, Adam delivered a message today, that as usual felt applicable to my life in a variety of ways. I won't go into great detail, but the most interesting point I gathered from it was that we as humans have an innate nature to gravitate towards whatever seems the most stable. Along the way, because we are humans and not God, we trip, fall, bust our tails and complicate things far worse than they should be. Adam drew a parallel to a C.S. Lewis book in which the character finds himself on a foreign planet comprised of a floaty, mist-like land. In the center of it was an island of solid, immovable ground, but to his dismay noone is allowed to live on that solid ground. The reason? Once we accept living on a plane of ebbs and flows, waves, dips and eclipses, we will become conditioned to have faith in the one who created us. It's NOT our job to be God, because we are not fair creatures. We are neither objective nor impartial. We are emotional and irrational. We are not capable of handling that kind of wisdom or power without destroying ourselves and everything around us in the process.

sonrise Christmas series

So as we enter into the Christmas season, I thought it would be fitting to share today's message with everyone else, because I think I needed that reminder more than anyone. Christmas is about the gift given to us by a holy God: His son. And now, He gives us the promise that His knowledge and intervention are what we really need. I dunno about you, but that's a promise woooorlds outta my league to try and give to someone else. How we respond to that gift is ultimately our choice. I'm choosing to be thankful that I can trust in not just that solid ground, but the maker of that ground, because He really is.. capable of anything. AAAAMEN. (:

And, speaking of THANKFUL, take a look-see at the dinner that Rob crafted when he volunteered a turn at it, with pretty much no plan and no menu. I'm more than a little jealous of this, but so impressed that it didn't matter. First a surprise arrival last week, then a homemade birthday card, brake change in my car, and now... this. If I didn't know better, I'd think that the games have begun... haha. I need to step up my game, yeah? Either that or just be grateful that I have a guy who loves me enough to give me what I want most: quality time.

homemade dinner, by the boyfriend.
this one makes me look bad... delicioussssss!!

So yeah, December's officially HERE. It's pretty crazy to me; I think I share the confusion on where about half of the year really went and how quickly the end of it is here. It's certainly been something of a year, and I don't think next year will be any less eventful [I'm hoping that in the best way....].

Most of us head back to work tomorrow, and after a long weekend, I'm sure there's going to be lots to catch up on. G'nite!

xo | cmd

[Encouragement] Exactly When You Need It

Rob and I went to church this morning.
.... An hour early.

Woops. I've been out of town for the past several weekends, and with everything that's happened over the past few days, all I knew was that we were going to church. Why I thought it was at 10am, I'm not sure... but we filled the idle time with breakfast before heading back for the 11am service.

Today was one of those days that I .. just .. knew He would have something in store for us. It's been a stressful time over the past few days, and though it's all settled now, there are still other [unrelated] challenges for us to face together in the very immediate future, and it's not going to be a walk in the park. I couldn't count how many times I've closed my eyes even for just seconds to pray over all of this, for the answers to be revealed, whether in our favor or not, and for some sort of direction. Most of all, I'm praying for tenacity. We are all called at points to be a rock for someone else, and I feel that right now that's my position. So some courage, tenacity and some direction are things I'm after these days.

And then Pastor Jeff hit us with this [I want MORE]:

sonrise series: relentless

^ This is the series in session right now at SonRise. PJ wasted no time unfolding this to us, digging specifically into the life of Abraham and the life of change he endured at the most unexpected times. Today's installment of the series posed the question,

"How can I be relentless with my faith to change?"

I was glued to my seat, and as I saw Rob nodding occasionally in my peripherals, I knew I wasn't alone.  Call me stoic here, but the hour and some change that we spent listening to this message today was a pivotal point for me.. for us.. in realizing our own potential if we can just clear away the doubt and replace it with faith. I hate to admit that I walked into church today feeling not entirely defeated.. but certainly deflated and a little lost in the clutter of our current situation.


from illinois to ohio...

We are in the process of relocating Rob from Illinois to Ohio. Like I said, that's not going to be an easy feat for either of us. Until he has his feet firmly planted in a solid job here, I will bear some of the weight of sustenance. Adversely, when he leaves Illinois, there will be family and friends in his absence that he won't see every day. He'll be in a new city, and - for a touch of humor in it all - he'll be stuck with me as a primary friend.. at least immediately. ;) . But really, this is going to test us on a multitude of different levels because there is never a guarantee that any given plan will run its course without deviation or hurdle, but today I was reminded that if I - if we - are RELENTLESS in our faith, then we will focus on the next step, one at a time, reminded that while change does require sacrifice, we will never be given more than we can handle.

I definitely have something new to reflect on and pray over during devo time this week (:

After church, we stopped by the house to unwind for a little before heading to Brittany's to watch the game. Rob hadn't been to her house yet, so it was nice to show him around and of course to see Brittany & her boyfriend Joe, Kalyn, Keifer, Kara & her friend McKayla. We hung out there for a little bit before Keifer had to split out for work. Shortly after that we followed him down to Bakersfield for some grub to end out the day.

bakersfield tacos. nobody's mad. (: (: (: (:

And since Keifer was working, of course there were some spirits a-flowin'. Kalyn ordered a round of this stuff [let's just say it's clear and you take it with salt+lime].. we're a goofy bunch but I love 'em.

kalyn. rob. brittany. joe
tequi, tequi, tequiiiila...

We left Bakersfield and now we're here, at home, watching Olympus Has Fallen, which is probably going to give me nightmares about our country going under seige in a sheerly apocolyptic way. Go figure; I should've known better, watching an action flick with the main protagonists being who they were. I'm a big fan of Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart, so I suppose it wasn't a total loss.

A few days ago I wasn't sure just how this weekend would go, but today, all the way around was testament that right here, right now, we have the unwavering faithfulness of the God we serve, and the friends next to us that are there.. really there.. when we need them. It's the month of being thankful, and on this 10th day of it, I am absoLUTELY thankful for what we have, including the struggles that will fortify us for pursuing through them. [BE RELENTLESS! ;) ]

Rob leaves tomorrow to head back to Illinois and I've gotta be up to beat Monday morning to the punch, so we'll say good night for now (:

xo | cmd

Sunday Screed + River Time With Friends

Ranty blog entry, comin' riiiiight up.
[you've been warned]

Actually, let me do this in reverse order, from the last half of the day first.

Sydni and I went to church this morning [about which the latter part of this entry will spiel], and afterwards headed home to try a nap [no success] and tidy up the house some. We were done with plenty of time to spare by the time Becky was off work, so we headed up to Northside, picked her up and headed out to the water.

Oh, and check out what she picked up for me at Market!

I. Love. It. [Thanks, Becky!!!]

Anyway, our original plan was to go kayaking, but we changed our minds at the last minute and piled all three of us into a canoe instead. Sydni had a blast.

canoeing with miss becky | viewing window at dewey's!

We finished up on the water after a little while and decided it was dinner time; Sydni said she wanted pizza, so we were off to Dewey's in Oakley - another spot I've not been in years.. at least not the Oakly store. Mike joined in and the four of us did some work on some food before parting ways for the evening. Perfect way to round out the weekend!

************************************

So yeah.. like I said I wanted to get back to, and focus today primarily on the revelation I had this morning and how that's been spanning over the course of my day so far. Here's where this becomes a diatribe.

 

Sydni and I went to church this morning: It was my second time visiting SonRise, and Syd's first. She seemed hesitant at first, but then discovered the tube slide that serves to introduce kids into the classrooms, and immediately threw all caution to the wind. From what I saw and heard afterwards, she loved her class, teacher and the other kids in with her.

 

What hit me this morning, was this: 

I landed in SonRise in the middle of a sermon series, which is not uncommon and I was curious to see how much I'd missed. The focal point of this series is human emotion and how that corresponds/correlates with the presence of God in our lives and His purpose for us. Today was honed in on anger. What's most interesting about anger is that it's one of the hardest emotions to break; even psychiatrists and behavioral scientists don't have failproof methods to combat it. I realized today that I grossly underestimated the amount of anger I had - and still have - in certain areas of my life. 



break free. i will.

If you have, for some reason, been following along over the course of the past year or so, it's no secret to you that I've put myself and been put by others through some not-so-pretty things. I went through a divorce, started dating someone new, relocated across two states, started a new job and found myself back in Cincinnati, both to my disappointment and relief. That's the shortest version of the recap. I've always coined myself a resilient person adaptable to most types of change, but even for me, it was a little much.  

 

Today it hit me that the anger I have inside me, mainly directed a few individuals, is deep-seeded, beyond what I originally thought was just the past year or so. I realized today, that it started over four years ago. I'm not naturally a bitter or resentful person, so for me, that's a long time to be angry with the same person[s]. It wasn't until that anger turned to hate... literally hate in my heart for things that both were and weren't in my control. I started building a prison around my own heart.

 

I have been crippling myself with this, more evidently so in the past year. From 2009 to the end of 2011, I had become an angrier person than I had ever been, ever. No, not angry as in physically-aggressive or violent, but emotionally furious: with some other people, with the stagnant state of my life, but most of all with myself for keeping record of things in my head but keeping my mouth shut about them until it was too late. In 2012, I made and went through with the final choice to end my marriage, which still stings to think about [not the other person, but the idea that I was a part of something that had become toxic to the point of ripping us both apart as separate people if we forced it any further]. Things boiled over: Things I'd left unsaid for three years, reasons I felt the way I did and harsh judgments and facts that at the time seemed entirely justified to say out loud. They came rushing out in ways I didn't even expect: lists on lists of reasons we had failed, why I was so enraged, to the core, and unequivocally inconsolable

 

People tried to help me. Family, who fortunately in my world is always there for me, first, and of course my closest friends at the time, all tried to be an outlet in one way or another for me. But no... I was too angry, too hurt, too embarrassed by it all, too exhausted to slow down and put a white-hot boiling heart on my sleeve for the world to see. Instead, I shut down. I stopped speaking all together, to just about everyone.. about anything that mattered, that is. People even as close as co-workers wouldn't have been able to feel the heat, because I made it a direct point to shelter people around me from the burden of whatever strife I had going on. Only those carried by gusts of gossip or those as close to me as I'd let any of them had any inkling of how defeated and abandonded I really felt.

 

Here's the thing that hit me today: I can't do this anymore. More than that, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so relieved [& honest] to report that now, not even a year after my divorce, that I am happy. I really am, and it's genuine this time. It's sincere, not urged or forced for the sake of blending in or standing out, whichever was called for. I'm happy, from the inside out and not the other way around.

 

However,

 

By that, I primarily mean that, we'll call it 98% of what was causing me to deteriorate before, has been removed and replaced with new, functioning elements that have been integral parts of my repair so far. The 2% I can't claim, though, is the lingering amount of anger I still have, because I am both stubborn and human. Because I have realized the anger I have, its targets and I have recognized that I will NOT be able to do a 180 turnaround overnight. I will continue praying, and continue focusing my energy on letting go of things beyond my control and out of my hair.

 

I will give you two very real, very legitimate reasons that I have to do this:  

they love me, & deserve the unfiltered best of my love

^ I admitted to myself today that I am not capable of loving the important people in my life now, the way I want to and the way they deserve, if I'm still harboring resentment or hate for anyone from my past. Chapters of my life were written and closed for a reason, and I need to focus now the fact that it didn't destroy me; in actuality it made me stronger, wiser and in some ways, more passionate about the ones I love and the causes in which I believe. It's taught me the stark differences between fake and real, forced and natural, and surface feelings versus a state of being that starts from places deeper than I've ever been before.
 

MONTHS ago, I started a series of letters. By series, I mean just a handful, but very specific and very different, in there own ways. Those letters will not be shared here, at least not by me, but it is my committment to an invitation given today by a Pastor I've yet to get to know well, to initiate the first step of forgiving: Them AND/or myself. I'm scared to admit that the latter will most definitely be harder than the first, but the angry cycle I'm in now has to break. 

 

I didn't much enjoy it while I was sitting through it this morning, feeling that familiar conviction when it seems like a lesson was written with your face in mind. It doesn't always happen that way, but when it does, I sit and hang onto each word, knowing that if I'm doing that, I must need it more than I thought.

 

I'll leave it at that.

 

Yours truly,  

imperfect, but trying.
i'm not giving up.

xo | cmd