s u r r e n d e r

image credit: Instagram @morganharpernichols

I needed to sit down and write this out while it's still fresh.

I was driving home from church this morning, overwhelmed by the A-ha! moments I've had, just so far today. It's barely afternoon, and I'm brimming with conviction. But that's how God works. Today's entry is for me. I'm speaking in raw format for myself, so if this maybe resonates for you too, then know I am in your corner, and perhaps we're wearing at least one of the same shoes.

Today's church service, at a glance, was all things routinely slated as it can be: worship, sermon, invitation, communion, fellowship - all the things that comprise a Sunday morning, come and go. If I said that every single Sunday echoed at a core level like today did, I'd be lying. While there is always a powerful point to the message, there is, with varying frequency, one (or more) that I feel were designed to speak directly and specifically into the spaces of my mind and heart that are wary, tired or broken. Today was one of those.

Today was one of the weekends I was scheduled off in the rotation of the worship team. It is just as beautiful to me to lead out through the mic, as it is to be still and be fed. It is just as necessary. Today was a day to be fed. Today was a day to be humbled. To be an active listener. To be an ACTIVE responder. To surrender.

One of the most basic tools we are given as humans, as friends, as families, as Christians - are relationships. We are wired to seek and serve a purpose, and we thrive when we do so, according to our individual gifts. If we are living out our abilities, we will inevitably be doing so among the company of others who share gifts, or who serve in other ways that complete the picture. We are built as relational creatures: in our families, in our friendships and in fellowship. By definition, 'relationships' is a plural entity, meaning that we will find synchrony with other people in the process of building and living out those relationships.

That then, by proxy, means letting go.
To clarify, that does not mean losing yourself. They are not the same thing.

I have lost myself before. I'm sure I'll do it again before my time on earth is over. I've tried to fit the mold that something or someone else has built, and all too late realized that I was never meant to fit into that mold. I have focused on becoming or being the way someone else is. I have tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed. But I have also tried and succeeded! The difference comes when I let go. When I surrender myself to the goal at hand, and get out of my own way.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, I suppose it is, in most cases. As a Christian, as a believer, I can vouch though that the real test of faith comes when I am asked to surrender. Why? Because I am very much human, and surrendering the things that keep me "safe," requires a faith that I do not always have.

Not on my own, anyway. What do I mean by this? Well for starters: When I am called to serve. Something as 'simple' as our praise team. It is an area of ministry that must be filled, and in the last year, my church as been blessed with a worship leadership team that has brought us together and sculpted us into a well-oiled machine (with room to grow, always always always!). But the process took faith! It took a determination to be flexible. To adopt new things, and integrate them with old things. To follow. To work together. To accept instruction, constructive criticism. To accept praise. To be patient with technical issues on a Sunday morning. Tuning issues. Tempo issues. It is all of those things.

On a larger scale, surrender comes as a struggle for me where relationships are concerned.

Forgiveness. 

Grace. 

Mercy. 

Humility. 

Guilt. 

Am I the only one who struggles with LETTING GO of some of those things? 

Am I the only one who feels somehow ENTITLED to keep a white-knuckle grip on some of these? 

Am I the only one who feels like they might lost themselves if I give these things up? 

Am I the only one who fears the unknown that lies beyond the surrender of these things? 

I am not the only one. I am surrounded by a church family, comprised of other humans, with other life experiences and wisdoms that sometimes dwarf my own, or in other cases remind me of the beauty that I may have lost sight of through something of my own. Today, a few members of my 'family' spoke into me, through the message (Josh), and in personal anecdotes afterwards (Joyce & Dale), and for them I am so thankful. 

I struggle with surrender. I often equate it with being weak. With failing myself. With the natural fear of the unknown. With the dread of repeating the same mistakes or experiences again. I hold onto what tangible security I feel like I have, and live inside the isolation of fear. I often wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "if I let go, I'm going to get hurt again." I worry. I become anxious that I will be caught off guard or otherwise unprepared for something I should've seen coming. I doubt my abilities, my capabilities and my emotional bandwidth. I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I fear that in letting go, I may just lose myself. 

Cori, the hard and indisputable TRUTH is that there is FREEDOM in surrender. There is LIBERATION in letting go. There is PEACE in the stillness. Think about it. Just THINK, how beautiful it is to plant a seed and literally NOT have to be the one who waters it into full maturity? How freeing it is, to allow your shoulders to breathe OUT from beneath the weight you've made them carry? How triumphant it feels to look back at the transcript of your life so far, and realize that your testimony lies in the FACT that God has literally N E V E R been absent in providing you with what you've needed?! That to forgive yourself for the things you've done wrong, allows you the space to forgive others for what they've done to you? To model service after the way Jesus served, allows you to get OUT of your own way and let God move in the impossible formats that only He can? That to SURRENDER your doubt, means that you don't have to carry it? How many times have you lost sight of this? And have you not suffered EVERY single time because you did?  YOU DID. 

S U R R E N D E R. 

Let go of the control. Let go of the plan I have, and remember that God will bless my efforts tenfold when I let Him in to heal. When I stop trying to do it all on my own, is when I will win. When I finally pause long enough to see that there are outstretched hands from other people - other believers - who have been here before, who are living in service and ready to help me do the same.. that is when I will truly be able to serve with a clear heart. 

I'm human. The idea of blind trust and faith is something that we are all literally born with. We grow out of it as we grow, as we are exposed to the world. As we experience. As we find joy, and live through pain. As we build walls to try and neutralize the stings of rejection, betrayal, loss, disappointment. I cling to my own devices more often than not, and without fail, it leads me further into chaos. 

This isn't a new thing for me. Surrender is something I have always struggled with. I find hope in the fact that I surrounded by other humans who struggle at some level with this, too. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved by a God who gave His son's life so that I would not have to pay the price of death for the things I've done wrong. 

Just as this isn't a new struggle for me, it will not resolve itself overnight. But here I sit, confessing this area of perpetual weakness, on a platform that will give me reference access to anywhere I go, anytime I need to be reminded. And it's here for you too, if you're out there reading this and relating. 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." 

- James 4:10

It's okay to let go. In fact, that is what we're called to do. It's part of growth. In order to grow, I have to trust the process. I have to try and fail, and I have to try and succeed. I have to forgive. I have to show mercy, because I have been shown mercy beyond my comprehension, let alone my merit. I have been shown grace and love so unconditional that I am a fool not to show them to the people in my own life. I have scars that should not serve as shackles, but as blocks on which I can build my testimony.

currently listening…. highly recommend! 

This will be a process. It is always a continuous process.
Surrender isn't easy. But it's necessary.
I can do this. We can do this. ♥

xo | cmd

, …… hello, again.

Hello, Again. 

You know, this blog used to be one of my most well-maintained interests. It goes without saying that I've been dormant for a long stretch now, but even this - an outlet - needs to rest.

And here I am, after several failed attempts at telling myself it'd be easy enough to just start again - the daily updating and entries. Looking back over a couple of random entries throughout the past couple years, it's clear that on some days, I really didn't have anything to say.

And that should've been ok.
Don't expect daily updates, from here on out.

***************

So let's start again, as the adage goes: "It's never too late to start (again) (over) (new)." 

So, …… hello, again. 

My daughter turns 9 tomorrow. September 1st. I remember 01 Sep 09 like it was yesterday, right down to the color I'd painted my toenails that morning - a nervous task I'd set myself to because I was home alone and strangely sure that I wouldn't safely make it to the hospital on my own accord if I'd tried. My labor and delivery rang in at a whopping 18 total minutes, and a nurse after my delivery complimented my nails; they were a rustic shade of burgundy, by the way. The center of my world shifted that day, embodied in a living 90's glowworm doll - that tiny little burrito over whom I would proceed to cry for the next day, out of both raw joy and the onset of terror that the number of clues I had as to what I was doing equaled zero. And partly, I think, because I was sleepless, caffeine-less and had just expelled a human. Who knows. 

AAANYWAY, I took a picture of Sydni (aforementioned daughter) yesterday, decked out in new club soccer gear, and we shared a joke about photos in general. It's a bit I'd borrowed from the late Mitch Hedberg, a response to that thing people say: "show me a picture of you when you were younger!" The joke goes on to point out that every picture of us is a picture of us when we were younger. ("Show me a picture of you when you are older, and I might be impressed," is the tail end of that - Mitch). For a split second, Sydni had a tough time wrapping her mind around that, but eventually thought it was funny, and rattled off a short list of friends with whom she was immediately going to share it. I mean, it's middle elementary: one of the most competitive, over-saturated markets for unheard joke material. (Go get 'em, kid). 

That was yesterday. Now it's Friday night and I'm coming down off another full week of work, workouts, soccer, life group, birthday preparations. Tomorrow's the actual birthday party, but for tonight, I have the liberty of stretching out on my couch, alone in the stillness of my own home with an acoustic playlist and a laptop at the mercy of this babbling blog. It's 31 August 2018; we're 2/3 through the 3rd quarter of the year. My daughter turns 9 tomorrow, and I am…….. older even now, than I was when I wrote the paragraph preceding this. *sigh. 

Over the past eight months, approximately 839 separate voices convened for a bracket-like tournament in my soul. They were each vying for pole position there, in the driver's seat, wrestling to control my actions, my choices, my words, my priorities. These rival thoughts went head to head, and much like any elimination tourney, there were some easy winners and some underdogs. There were some calls too exhausting for even me to make, the re-matches, the tough losses and the occasional invitation for the cast-offs to return just to stir the pot. Okay, so it's more like a demented hybrid of a legitimate tournament and a reality show, when it comes the thoughts that root and rule me. Human heart versus human mind versus God-governed heart & mind, versus external influences, other people, conflicting advice and learning from experiences. 

One team of thoughts, aptly named APATHY, has a lot of very well-trained players, expertly conditioned to attack me when I'm at my weakest and exploit what they find. Seems contradictory to call them thoughts of apathy, given how aggressively and actively they engaged me, but that's what they created. That's where I lived - in a floating abyss of apathy. Apathy by definition is the absence of interest, enthusiasm and/or concern. 

My relationships were suffering. 

My work was suffering. 

My faith was being strained.
My physical body was exhausted and weak. 

My heart was running on a cobwebbed reserve of muscle memory.

I was re-becoming depressed. (Re-becoming? Sounds good, let's go with it)

And I was there because the things I'd come to compartmentalize and/or attribute to that 'well that's how it/he/she is' junk drawer, eventually poured over all showed up on my doorstep at the same time, demanding my undivided attention. And what's the human response to that? Shutting down. Avoiding the ugliest of the things, the ones that cut the deepest, because what - because we don't want to get hurt. 

The team captain for Team Apathy is Fear. 

Fear temporarily ruled my heart: a wolf hidden under the cloak of self-preservation. I saw that the relationship in my life's foreground: my marriage, was not just falling apart, but should not have happened in the first place. It's not to say he was/is not a good person (on the contrary), but adults are well-versed in the idea that a good person is not inherently the right person. And world, I feared the repercussions of walking away from that. I feared the judgment. I feared that the tug deep in my heart to get out, was somehow misguided. That I'd end up following a siren to my inevitable undoing. I feared the big picture. I feared the conflict this had against the grain of what I believe in, re: marriage. I feared that starting over would wreck me, render me unreachable, unlovable, unacceptable. I became afraid that I couldn't trust anyone again, and that would only aide in warding off anyone who was brave or blind enough to give it a shot. I feared myself: knowing that after trauma like that, I shut down and internalize. I lost sight of why we'd even arrived at that place. 

Team Apathy co-captain: Guilt

By May, I'd found enough gumption to sever that toxic relationship. The signatures on the lines came and went, and in their stead came two competitors: relief & guilt. They less fought than debated, one taking center stage for a while and the other stepping in to contradict. One deep weight had been lifted, dissolved. The cavern it left became prime real estate for guilt to settle in. Guilt that I'd let my family down. My friends. Guilt that I'd both allowed things I hadn't seen but should have into a life involving my daughter, and then the guilt of taking away the good parts that I'd worked so hard to filter just for her. The distraction of the steps involved in that severing had taken a toll on my work - so even my life in the office felt strained. I'd let fear unravel my confidence so evenly across all my endeavors, that I'd adopted the idea that I was just failing to pull my own weight, along with the guilt that was birthed by not doing it. I'd let myself down. In my self-deprecating mind, I'd let God down and there was nothing I could do to undo it. Guilt, guilt. guilt. 

The other players on Team Apathy: Doubt, Resentment, Envy, Lies. 

K, I know none of these things so far sound like apathy - on their own, they aren't, but when they compound and feed off each other, their goal of shutting me down is usually achieved, and everything becomes both overwhelming and bland all at once. Am I the only one?! (I've recently re-discovered, with unending gratitude that the answer is NO, I am not the only one). But seriously - anyone?! Something (or somethingS) happen, and instead of washing the proverbial dirty dishes in the sink, you let them begin to let them pile up, and pile up, and pile up.. and every single time you pass by them, you're reminded of your inadequacy and inability to tackle something that everyone of your (age) (position) (gender) (training) should be able to do in their sleep with a hand tied behind their back. You doubt you're ever going to see the bottom of that sink. You resent every dirty dish that's there, and the person who put it there, whether it was you or not. And you think of someone you know (or even past you!) who has/had no issues at all knocking out a mess just like this one. But there you are, a mountain of mess in different shapes and sizes before you, and that weight is so heavy that you buckle under it, and instead of rolling up your sleeves to stick your hands in dirty water, you turn a blind eye.. just one.more.time. You believe the lie that you can't. You become apathetic. I BECAME APATHETIC.

BUT HERE'S THE *GOOD* NEWS

And WHEW, is it GOOD.

Just as Apathy was a top seed in the battle for my loyalties, there is no competition without a rival. And where Apathy rallied its strongest players, with their deceptive agenda and loveless core, it's adversary had actually already been there waiting to be recognized… again. 

I'll let the sports bracket analogy go - we get the point. But seriously, you guys - GRACE. 

GRACE, by definition as it pertains to my context here (faith): The free and unmerited favor, love for us, through and by God. 

^^ I may have just lost a handful of you, who maybe didn't know before you got to this part that I'm a treacherously broken and self-damaged human whose only hope in this world is to rely on the saving Grace of the God who created the heavens, the earth…….. and little blip-on-the-map me (I'm a Christian). Understanding the depth of faith's true potential is something none of us may ever fully accomplish, but it's a conversation I'm happy to have with you outside of this blog, if you want. It's an entry for another day, but it's been an arduous journey with a feet-dragging, water breaks and black-outs, if I'm being honest. 

Anyway, back to my point here: GRACE. 

Do you ever go through something, and whatever (or whoever) that is, forces you to a place where you - maybe against your pride, even -  become reliant on something or someone else who in reality has been there all along? That's exactly how it is for me. How it's always been. I take the grace I've been given for granted, until my feet are in the fire (usually because my dumb self put them there?), and I reach back desperately and instinctively for an anchor. And it's always, always there. 

Where Apathy umbrella'd fear, guilt, doubt, resentment, envy… they pale next to the legions of Grace: 

Forgiveness

Confidence

Patience

Truth

Love

Hope

Anyone who's ever done something they regret, can tell you what that wave of guilt feels like. How it presses into your core and makes you wish you could wash it off, but you can't. Turn back time, take it back or do it differently. Instead, we fixate on something else - something untouched, unrelated.. safe. For me, I compartmentalize. The junk drawer becomes a junk box, becomes a closet, becomes a storage unit ever-increasing in square footage. All the hurt, guilt, shame - all of that goes into that storage, where it stays and occasionally leaks back out when something happens and I'm forced to stare one of those feelings in the face again to process it. I then either shoulder it or project it onto someone close to me. Or I just shut down all together, become a full-functioning exterior encasing the inner work-in-progress (which is sometimes a quick add-on, remodel, full demolition & rebuild, or something brand new). 

But to really embrace the grace (I'm sorry that's a cheesy rhyme), I have to download the pillars that hold it in place over and in me: 

Forgiveness, of others but seemingly harder sometimes - of myself. Recognizing what I've done and asking forgiveness either from the person(s) I wronged, and then of myself.. is no easy task. Not everyone says yes - and more often than not, it's not other people turning me down. 

Confidence, that the next try will yield at best a completely different turnout.. and at worst, an opportunity to learn and grow. Confidence in the process, and in myself and others to realize that disappointment is part of the natural process, but it doesn't have to be a home. 

Patience. This one's easy to spot, because I'm not at all wired as a patience person (ok, sometimes, but more often… not). It's hard to exercise because I'm conditioned to see results of efforts, usually loooong before God has intended me to see them. 

Truth. I just had a discussion this week through life group, regarding the difference between being Nice and being Loving. While there's an overlap, the clear difference is that to be loving, we have to be willing to speak truth to ourselves and to others, however difficult that might be, or how much the human nature in us wants it to be false. Being nice is catering to the agenda of appeasing everyone, whereas a gentle truth will always carry more weight than a half-hearted compliment. 

Love. Suuuuuch a loaded word, with all of its possible contexts, forms and versions. For me, I view love - real love, as the manifestation of my vertical relationship. When I'm in line with what I've been called to be in Christ, I am confident. I am patient. I feel love, not on a surface level, but in the way that we feel it from good parents - where we want to make them proud and when we do AND when we don't, they speak in truth but still love us exactly the same. For my life, that means loving my daughter unconditionally. Loving hard-to-love people exactly where they are, and keeping a leash on my own agenda. It means forgiving others and myself when I don't want to, and allowing the girl in mirror to breathe deep, and understand that she is not perfect, but she absolutely is worthy. 

Hope, because where are any of us without it? Where do I go, if I don't believe the hope that my daughter will grow into a young woman who values herself and other people? What do I do - what do any of us do, if we lose hope that the end hasn't come yet? We have ALL seen the damage done by people who lose hope. It's not a road I want any of us on, ever. 

***************

End of 2017: 

I'd lost focus, lost sight, misplaced hope. I'd forgotten about grace, and gave into apathy. I became this weird kind of limbo-ey shell and I knew I couldn't stay there. FORTUNATELY, and I cannot stress this enough: I half found (half was found by) a small, yet varied network of people who took the time to pour into me. To pursue me. Gently persistent because they loved me exactly where I was and knew that I needed help. Their words weren't always nice. They weren't unkind, but they weren't spoken out of a feel-good agenda. They were spoken to me by people who loved me enough to say the things I didn't want to hear, see, feel. Eight short months ago, the pot boiled over, and those people who intimidated me with their honest love that I felt I didn't deserve, were the people I needed the most. Not all of them agreed with the life changes I had to make to get back on solid ground, but not once did they stop loving or accepting me. 

To fill the gap: yes, I found solid ground. It's solid, blooming and surrounded by fresh air, water and people who invest into me for my own sake. I've regained my footing and dismissed Apathy and its team of sore losers. My relationships have recovered. I'm back on the field at work. Literally back on the field & in the gym for soccer. Connected with my daughter in a more intentional way than maybe ever, before now. I have room to grow, mountains to climb. But grace will win, every time, even when the outlook is bleak. 

And now that I'm almost two hours older than when I started this entry - if you're still with me here - I hope that if you've gleaned anything from this, it's that it is NOT too late for you to turn the page in your book, take a deep breath, and just… start, again. 

***************

Final thoughts…. 

I had a conversation a few years back with a friend about trying our best to raise kids in a broken world, and she made the comment, 

"I mean, at this point I'm not even worried what he wants to be when he grows up, as long as he's not the bully or the snob." 

Despite other areas where we don't always see eye-to-eye, I couldn't help but want to agree with her on this one. I mean, how true is that? How many parents can identify with that, at its core? Moreover, how many of us became - even if just momentarily - one or both of those, and would be proud to say it?

The bully or the snob? The one who attacks other for his/her own self-gain, or the one who can't be bothered with the perceived menial problems of anyone deemed below whatever threshold dictates worthiness? I know for a fact that I've been both, and that I'm not proud of it. I know that I'm working my hardest to instill a spirit of confidence and humility into my daughter - to equip her to be aware of the world but still compassionate.

So tomorrow, the center of my earthly focus turns 9. She is everything a mother could hope for at this stage: healthy, intelligent, social, energetic, with eyes that light up when she is happy and give away when she isn't but says she is. She wears her heart on her sleeve and isn't afraid to cry when it hurts. She comes back the next day ready to give it right back to the world. 

She is everything I hope to be, when I grow up. And when I do, I'll know that maybe I got it right after all. It's never too late. 

So hello, again. 

xo | cmd

Bible Notes

Happy Wednesday, blogbots :)

I was digging through an old Bible last night, looking for a some of the notes I'd scribbled in there from some long-ago study in the book of James; I found that, but also dug up a couple of index cards I'd saved from another study - the compilation of verses from Thomas Nelson's 150 Most Important Bible Verses. 

There are verses crucial to our core existence, daily living & resolve:

There are verses directed at the men, for their households, their jobs, their leadership capabilities and parenting:

The same for women, as matriarchs, friends, leaders, workers and self-recognizing entities: 

For teens, the forever petulant range of years that tests and builds the stuff we'll take with each of us into our early adult lives: 

And last but certainly not least: our calling in life - to be leaders. To lead in one shape or form, whether over a class, or a family, or a church group. Whether over a team or multiple teams. Within our familial and/or social groups. We are called to lead our own lives, with discipline, grace and diligent prayer. We are each leaders, in a unique path carved specifically for each of us. 

I'm so glad I found these. I hope that something on that list of quotes appeals to you, or speaks to you in a way that you may have needed today. I know I find worth in more than one of those daily. 

Love you, blogbots. 

xo | cmd

Back to Reality

I came back to work today, strangely enough ready to get back. The sense of familiarity and normality was oddly comforting in its own way, and when I sat down at my desk for the first time at 7:15 today, I almost felt refreshed. Go figure.

It helped that everything I'd ordered in recent online shopping ventures was delivered in my absence, and sat neatly stacked in a pile on my desk for me: Dad's birthday present, a couple of decals I needed, some of Sydni's LoomBand accessories and these!

color run swag! ;) 

^^ Nevermind that I ordered them on Monday of last week and paid extra for 2-DAY SHIPPING; that's something I'll deal with later. I'd been confident I would receive them by Friday, in time for the actual event, but after having attended, the likelihood of my actually having worn them was about 0%, so minus the extra $6 for expedited delivery, I'm not really that mad. After this weekend, I've determined there are far fewer battles worth fighting, anyway. So yay, CR gear! :)

I was surprised at how non-confrontational the day was; it seemed as though God had specifically instructed the forces that be to remain at bay, for fear of my total unraveling as I clawed my way through switching gears from the weekend's events to life at my desk.

[image cred: instagram @pocketfuel]

Still baffled by the smoothness of the day, I gratefully accepted Jessica's invitation to dinner, but not before we met up with her to pick up the newest addition to her studio:

rower rower come on over! 

I'll see this little guy the next time I'm there at her studio!

So dinner it was, and lounge it is now. We're ready for FRIDAY!!

xo | cmd

In The Midst of It All

I took a walk this morning. The first thing I thought when I woke up was that I needed, desperately, to get outside, touch my feet to the earth and reconnect myself to it, to the circle and to the Creator. I stopped and sat for a minute, just outside the cabin, and prayed. There isn't enough gratitude in my body to fully express the way I feel today. 

Rob slept through the night just fine, with minimal pain. He went to bed with arms and legs fully in tact and functioning. He has no back injuries. Aside from the visible damage on his face, his head is fine. He is damaged, but he will be okay. Most importantly, he is still himself, but now with a heightened sense of awareness to his own vulnerability. 

But he is still here. He is alive, by the grace of a God that I will never fully understand, but praise and thank daily for the blessings - both big and small - that somehow find me, despite my (our) undeserving state. 

I called off work today. Our first task as a group was recovery of all the bikes; we visited two separate places to get Rob's, then Dillon's. 

there she goes... 

TO THE OFFICER WHO TOLD ME YESTERDAY, AT AROUND 2AM ON THE PHONE THAT ROB AND HIS BIKE WERE ESSENTIALLY TOTALED, YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFULLY RECONSIDERING YOUR OATH TO HONESTY. You do NOT tell someone's family member a course of events that did not happen, your certainty in the matter stamped only by the status of your badge. We were told that Rob's bike was a complete lost cause, and that upon impact, he had flipped off the bike and into the unknown at that point. 

Does this look like the aftermath of a bike abandoned by flight?! 

bikes going to illinois

 No, it doesn't. 

No.... it... doesn't. Urgghhhh

The guys managed to get her up and onto the trailer, with the help of the backyardigans's flatbed. Sidenote: Here in TN, it's very lucrative to own and operate a tow business out of your house. These guys are pros at it, and if I should ever find myself living in this region, you can go ahead and know now what business I'll be pursuing.

We headed back to the cabin to do the final pack-up of our things and get all 3 bikes situated on the truck and trailer, before saying our farewell-for-now's. Dillon, Matt, Courtney & Cadence took off back to Illinois, while Rob and I made our way back here to Knoxville. We stopped at Panera for lunch, and started formulating a plan on what to do for the next couple of days. As it turns out, we'll be stuck here, since on such short notice, we aren't able to get in to any Cincinnati facilities for the surgery he'll need on Wednesday. Womp womp.

Rob found a hotel on Expedia, and long story short, we're here now, checked in and planted here for the next two nights.

The consultation appointment is tomorrow. I'll put this prayer out in the blog world for tonight: for confidence, easy nerves and painless completion of the whole ordeal.

See you in the morning!

xo | cmd

This Little Light of Mine

No, not the song.

♥

Today was one of those days that reaffirmed my faith in the world, thanks to the pure, unfiltered insight [& joy] of my own child.

It's been something of a trying time over the past couple of weeks, and it's taken its toll physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The devil seems to have taken special interest in my case lately [likely since he knows he's already loooong lost it], but his aggressive, unrelenting irritants have tried to root themselves all throughout the way here recently and it's all I can do sometimes but just stop... breathe... and focus on what needs to be done.. and then do it without looking back.

And then Sydni came home tonight, and in the midst of a cuddle session - in those moments of peace and silence, she reminded me with her powerful little words that the bigger picture is so much more than sweating the small stuff.

My prayer today was simple:

To continue being a Christ-like parent to Sydni, and ultimately, to model her not-so-little heart and curious approach to the world around her. To live with joy in the face of difficult situations and people, and to exude love & light in everything I do.

I won't live up to that prayer every day - it's impossible. I am human. I have and will continue to fall and falter, but thanks to the great God who loves us more than we are capable of loving each other, I know that it's okay. I can rest. And that's okay, too.

Thank you, Sydni. You have no idea how much your mama loves you.

xo | cmd

Talk To Me, Pinterest

We're leaving for Illinois tomorrow, and today was one of those fast forward days that didn't seem to stop even for a moment. It was an early morning at work, a rapid fire day at work, and then straight to the hour+ roundtrip to get Sydni and come home.

It was one of those days that tested my sanity and showed me that my patience extends further than sometimes I've even been able to believe.

It's days like this when I [and excuse me in advance for how cheesy this is going to sound] find myself clicking through Pinterest to find some additional inspiration. I told you it was cheesy. BUT, it worked, and I thought I'd share some of them with you, my fellow blogbots... in case you're in need of some additional oompf today:

First - get your mind right. If the world is fine, don't reinvent the day by creating your own problems, drama or dischord! The right outlook from us, starts with us.

This one has resonated with me tenfold over the past several months. As patient as I try to be, I've always found root in this principle. As I attended a soccer camp some odd years ago, one of the evening motivational speakers said to us that in her history as a player, the best and most respected players she knew were the ones who very rarely had to vocalize their successes or abilities. They demonstrated it instead, which left impressions far more powerful than just words. I love that. Either BE it or don't, but either way, just DO something and stop telling me all about whether or not you do it, are it, or [insert verb here] it.

More lighthearted on this one. As an adult, I find the struggle here more often than I dismiss it, especially when my plate gets cluttered with the responsibilities of adulthood:work, parenting, bills, social obligations, etc. Thankfully, I have a five-year-old who is constantly reminding me that wonder is an ageless, timeless thing that is essential to our survival - at any stage.

It got crazy today, and in a few select moments, I know that I let the pressure get the best of me. This is a memo to myself, on days like this... in moments like that. Be still, self. Just... listen. 

A reminder to myself that regardless of how the world around me - and those in it - choose to function, adhering to this myself is nobody's responsibility but mine, and it should be one that I actively choose to make each and every single day. Can you imagine if we all made strives for the greatness of glorification of the God who made us, and for each other, rather than for our own often-depraved agendas? #fantasyworld

Lastly, this one. There were several others that seemed so much more cleverly-worded, philosophical, more eloquent, more visually enticing, whatever... but I saw this one and realized that it's the exact opposite of what my human brain wants to do on days like this. It is the exact opposite of what I want to do, but the exact thing I need to do. Amen? Amen.

It's days... like... this.... just breathe. :)

I read those again a few times, and then looked up to my own life here in this moment, right now:

I am home. I am here, present in this moment and proud of the simple little life that I'm blessed to be a part of. Love & light, from us to you.

Happy Thursday!

xo | cmd

Calming My Heart: The Instagram Way

Something inside me started digging today. It's a culmination of my life at work [which has seen smoother days] and the anticipation of the trip I'm taking in a few short weeks. My mind was restless this morning, unable to focus and stay grounded. I felt like my thoughts were disconnected, scattered and agitated.

It wasn't until I stopped everything and went to Google. I was thankful today for the readily-available plethora of soothing, hipster-printed quotes, verses and adages, aesthetically designed for people going through a moment just like mine this morning. I'm not usually a sucker for posting pre-made artsy renditions of these things, but today it was what my heart needed to re-locate its pace and get me off of the spiritual arrhythmia I was experiencing.

Let me break this down:

When my flustered, bumbling fingers hit the keyboard in search of some small ounce of peace, this is the first thing that popped up:

Oh. Well, okay then.
Deep breaths.. in... and out. Repeat. Now focus, read, download, absorb.

Much of my immediately recent anxiety has been the product of my job. Before I go any further, let me be clear that I absolutely love what I do. I feel that I've been called to do this work, at least for now, and have no intentions of changing gears in that regard. However, just like most jobs, there are patches of turbulence, and it's safe to say that my team and I are in the midst of one of those now. It has been a steady bubble of activity that I have let cloud my resolve and on some days, allow seeds of resentment and bitterness to fester. Try as I may, there are days when my head and heart are exhausted by it all, and I am left to face an 8-hour day without the joy and passion that I know really exist in my work.

^ That showed up on my screen, and the first emotional response I had was guilt.

Guilt. 

I'm not perfect, ya'll. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe not in a long-term capacity, but oftentimes the ability to forgive someone for something within the immediate period of time following what I've deemed an offense... just doesn't exist. I grapple with this a lot, and today I had a heart check that pushed me straight into a prayer. A desperate prayer for forgiveness, and to give forgiveness. I know that when I forgive others, I forgive myself. It's not up to me to decide who is and isn't worthy of truly being forgiven, but it is my responsibility to let go and LET GOD.

^Ok, ok.. I know.. That one's really cliche, I know. BUT, it's true. I had to recalibrate big time this morning. I had to remember that while it seems as though I'm just on repeat most days [while I'm in the moment, at least], the bigger picture has always been, is and will continue to be a reflection of culminating works, actions, responses and growth. It's not just another day, even though this morning was a prime example of me approaching it that way. I was actively pushing back against the stresses of my morning with a malicious spirit, rather than breathing in the fact that I'd done nothing to earn this entirely brand new day I'd been given. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with the God I love, so what am I so stinkin' concerned about?!

And then I boiled down to the next thing causing ripples. This trip to Panama.
But it's a missions trip, Cori... Why is that a bad thing?!

Well, it's not [a bad thing]. It's not at all. What it is though, is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. It's one of those things in life that presents us with a wide range of response options: fear, resistance, placidity, tolerance, acceptance, embracing..... or any combination of those.

It's funny how something new can elicit a whole bunch of emotional responses that we didn't see coming, and oftentimes [as in my case today] don't even recognize until we're knee [or kneck..] deep in them.

I am always amazed at just how quickly my attitude and energy changes when I intentionally channel my focus into a simple but deliberate chain of positive and encouraging thought. As I processed through each of these things separately this morning, I felt my mood and general approach to it all starting to lighten. I felt more relaxed, less anxious. I felt more patient, less agitated. I felt more receptive to whatever the day [& people in it] had for me, and less dreading of those same things.

I could physically feel my heart slowing. I felt my hands convert from clenched fingers to palms with light fingers. I realized that I was forcefully smashing together the small and big pictures of my life as it currently sits, as opposed to allowing the two to compliment each other and cross paths when it was due. I am preparing for an international mission trip, but I also have a daily mission here at home.. and they're not that different when you strip away the travel, preparation and itinerary: Love God, Love People.. Show Light & Show Hope. I am built [we all are!] to do those things.. so...

^ Send me. Send my soul, my heart & my mind. Locally and internationally. Here I am. Send me.

Just so you know, the rest of my day didn't just magically poof into a smooth sail after my mini meltdown and re-calibration this morning. The events of the last several months and whatever people involved didn't just fall down at my feet to cater to my vision of a well-oiled operation. The grind of activity that is standard daily didn't change. There were a couple of 10-15 minute spans dotted throughout the day that actually highlighted the stresses of what we do. They were there to challenge my resolve. To strengthen my endurance, and teach me a thing or two about patience and grace. No, my day didn't warp into a fairy tale. What changed was my attitude.

I am daily reminded to let go, and let God. Worry doesn't provide any benefit to our bodies or minds, let alone to our souls. It's not fair to sit and stress about what is coming. I'm not saying I don't want to be prepared to handle whatever it is that's coming; I'm not saying that at all. I hope I've not conveyed advocacy of cavalier, reckless and without direction approach to life or circumstance, because that's not what I'm encouraging. What I am saying is that we should work daily, in whatever small ways we can to prepare our hearts and minds so that when life does hand us those things, we can react with grace, endurance and love.

And for myself and any of you out there who find yourselves at the bottom of the barrel in whatever it is, here's this:

Saying that it's never too late actually isn't true. When we're dead, then it's too late, yes. However until then, why do we allow ourselves to believe that change isn't possible? It takes a full commitment, yes, but it's possible. It is possible to reconstruct whatever part of us has been broken. The key is making sure we separate our broken pieces from what it was that broke us in the first place, and be intentional not to use both in the reconstruction.

Whew. Thanks for bearing with me, if you did actually manage all the way through my little mini-sermon. This, as most if not all of my blog entries, was written more for myself than anyone else, but if you were encouraged at all by it, then I am happy all over again. I'll leave it in the universe, with the rest of these entries for the taking :).

That being said, every solid sermon ends with a call to action.

Self, here's yours. Quit sitting around in whatever rut of self-pity has taken over you in whatever situation you're working through. Life is not guaranteed, and every decision you make produces a consequence, be it good or bad.

So..

1. STOP what you're doing & just... BE STILL. 

2. GIVE THANKS & ask for what you need through PRAYER. 

3. GET UP and DO SOMETHING about it :) 

Love, gratitude & honor to you all, blogbots!

xo | cmd

Proverbs 4:23

I was doing a little bit of reading this morning, something that I admit escapes me more often than not due to my love of sleeping in. Let's be honest: I'm not nearly as diligent as I need to be. 

BUT, this morning, I managed to get my Bible open before the work notebook, and realized that in spite of its worn-out spine, pages rubbed thin by my flipping them over the years and the overall appearance of a book, this thing... could never be fully absorbed. 

Here's the deal: I'm heading out this weekend with Becky for a mini retreat; we'll be in a treehouse reflecting on the road behind us and re-calibrating ourselves for the road of 2015. So much of what that will demand of me requires me to do one simple thing: 

Guard. My. Heart. 

guest blog : marianne! 

As with every worthwhile objective, it's easier said than done. It's a huge undertaking in and of itself; applying it to the daily drudge can be daunting if we don't know how to do it. I had that spark of inspiration to get in and do some writing of my own. That's kind of my thing whenever I feel compelled to translate the mess in my head into strings of words. 

And then.... I remembered that my awesome friend Marianne is currently overseas embedded in the field of missions and giving of herself to the field. There was a post of hers from December that is wholly applicable both then, now and really at any point. 

I give all the credit for this entry to her, and am thankful that she took the time to sit down and organize those thoughts into something we can all follow and reference. 

So if you're ready to really examine the question of why it's mandatory that we guard our hearts and minds [or what that even means??], then click HERE. 

If for some reason you can't click that, then just follow this link: 

http://isaiahsixeight.tumblr.com/post/105042431882/between-the-cappuccinos-and-the-gospel

Powerful stuff, am I right?!
Except seriously, I'm insanely proud of that girl & I'm grateful to have her as an added source of encouragement. Love you, Mare!

If you're interested in what she's doing over in Italy, check it out HERE.

prov 4:23

xo | cmd

Pocketfuel : My Instagram Inspiration

I'm a proud, prolific Instagrammer, and one of the many things I love about it are they endless ways in which I can find inspiration.

First, there's all the yogis: Laura Sykora, Rachel Brathen, Gabriella Dondero. The list goes on and on.

Then, there's all the nutritional boosters: healthy foodie pages, exercise guru's, fitness apparel lines offering up encouragement.

The list goes on and on and on. A lot of what I follow includes animals, health nuts and things that remind me of my country-strong roots.

My spiritual development is of course something that takes place outside of the interweb, but it definitely doesn't hurt to find niblets of encouragement in the posts of some Instasources.

Hello, Pocketfuel.
[Go, go now and follow them!]

I won't go into a lot of detail, but I will suffice to say that these are some of my favorite posts from Pocketfuel; there are so many more worth sharing, but it'd be easiest for you to go and find them on your own.

[[[[Mare, you'll recognize some of these! ;) ]]]]

I don't know if any of those will appeal to you in any specific way today, but I know there are plenty of days when I need to see something simple like that; even the smallest reminder that I am sent out for a purpose, from one who delegates me with a task, yet never with a burden I cannot carry. 

It's the small things. Who knew I'd ever be so grateful for an Instagram account? ;) 

BLESSINGS we have in this life... and BLESSINGS we should share.

xo | cmd 

Rainy Day Promises

I won't say that I was having a bad day today, but I won't venture out and tell you it was fantastic, either. My life, for the most part, is above average in most respects. I have all of the essential things I need and then some, but every once in a while I trip into a little rut of some sort.

Because I love to self-diagnose, I'm going with seasonal depression on this one. Really, not even the whole season.. just.. the overly rainy days of the season, when all I want to do is see the sun shining and feel the warmth of it, but wake up to, work through and drive home through... rain.

Today's nothing special based on all of that ^^ up there, but what I saw on my way home was like a gentle but stern slap to the face:

Stop whining. See the beauty.  

rainbow!

It hit me so hard that all I could do was laugh. Aloud. In my car, alone. I laughed! What was I so upset about? A rainy day? The fact that I wanted the sun to shine, but would have to wait one, maybe two more days at most? Get a grip, Cori. I trust in the promises that I'll never be given more than I can handle; it's time I start actually remembering that it's true!

 

So I stopped whining, and I saw the beauty of that huge rainbow floating over Beechmont Avenue.

 

Thank You. ♥

 

Amen? AMEN!

 

xo | cmd

"People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine"

If there is one thing I've learned in the last year... well, really two years, is that sometimes the people on whom you rely, in whom you trust and by word alone you believe, are apt to let you down. I'm not faultless of this, and perhaps factoring my own mistakes with the disappointments of others has aided me in realizing that people in general, will never fully satisfy our needs.

Today was one of those days, I guess you could say, that served to teach me another valuable lesson in two-way communication, patience, loyalty, honesty and trust. I'm really in no position to give relationship advice, given the ways I fell apart over the past couple years, but what I will adamantly claim is that I am on the mend, and stronger for it.

I am four months into the long-distance part of an 11-month relationship with my best friend. Our friendship extends the length of our 'dating' time, but still. It's long-distance, erego we trade see you tonight most days for talk to you tomorrow's and have fun, I'll talk to you soon's. Sure, it's only about five hours between us, but that's more than some would bear.

||1|| I was reminded today that, in a world of approximately 7 billion people [& counting..], there will always be at least a couple who prove to be hurdles to whatever pursuit you're on. Some of them won't be there intentionally, some are there by proxy, some actively pursue ways to complicate things and some are meddlers in the business of other people. The me of just a mere 3 years ago probably would've handled today much differently [by that, I mean irrationally], but I found myself today wading through a very careful, calm process of listening, considering and exerting myself - candidly and as brutally honest as needed. I've developed an uncanny amount of patience over the past few years, and while not to confuse it with voluntary ignorance, it certainly does help me find level-headed approaches to this sort of thing. Specific to this, I obviously find the man I'm dating attractive, and since I'm soooort of not the only girl on the planet, of course there will be others who share my sentiment {and vice versa}. The trick is to separate the thoughts and sometimes ploys of others from questioning the loyalty of the guy by my side. Seeking the truth and being paranoid are two very different things I've discovered, and I have... zero time to indulge in the latter. It is, or it isn't, and how you handle the factual outcome is up to you. In this case, some people are just throwing rocks at things that shine, thank you very much Taylor Swift... :p.

||2|| As easy as it would have been to overreact... to snap and panic, I didn't. I had a revelation today that I am finally in a place where I am vulnerable, in a whole new way. This is the first time in my entire life, that I have ever wholly trusted anyone [in terms of a relationship partner].. more specifically, the first time anyone has ever validated my trust. I'm the person that gets harped at often for too-easily trusting people to do and be what they say they will do and be, only to be the sullen recipient of many - loving, though many - I told you so's. Over time, I built walls against people who were only there to help me, some of whom hadn't ever disappointed me but were just lumped together with any and everyone else. Inside that safe barracade it was just me and Sydni, and really there isn't much advanced confiding happening between an adult and a 3 or 4-year-old.

Rob is the reason the walls are dissolving. They're not gone, and honestly I think it's healthy to maintain boundaries around certain things, but he has made it past my defiance and shown me that I don't have to be anything but the rawest, imperfect me and still be loved in spite of it. In fact, I can be confident in everything that I am and am not, and he'll do the same. No more facades, fake smiles or biting my tongue when the words are fighting to get out. No more conditional love, based on what I do, who I know, how much money I make or what I own. Almost 30 and I'm getting my first taste of this.... late in the game, I KNOW, but let that serve to show ya it's never too late to be taught.

||3|| Another thing that I found sidelined in my mind today as we dealt with the words of a third party, is that Rob and I are BOTH... neither perfect now nor do we come from perfect little pasts. More than that, we HE doesn't pretend to have it together when he doesn't, and that is something I'm learning, too. It's insanely difficult for an independent hardhead like myself to admit when things are broken, and it's nearly impossible to ask for help when I should be able to find a solution on my own. At least it was impossible. I've had my first experience with a significant other of exposing the mistakes and experiences I had IN THE PAST and instead of chastising, score-keeping and comparison, I've been met with acceptance in spite of those things, understanding, and while it's not condonement, solid expectation of accountability to neither continue or repeat old or unsavory habits, but given with compassion, not pride.

||4|| I'm also learning to communicate. It feels rather primitive to say that, but in lament's terms, that's exactly what it is. There are people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, some on their foreheads, facebook pages, whatever .... and on the opposite end of that spectrum, there are people like me, who would rather absorb someone else's bad day and offer consolation, than ask them to bear the weight of my own problems. Again, I'm in my third decade of existence and just learning how to say, "I'm not okay." It's liberating. Today, I was left feeling quite proud of my new communication skills; without them I know we wouldn't have reached a resolve as quickly as we did.

||5|| When people much more seasoned at this than myself told me that ancient adage, relationships are HARD WORK, I guess I really only half believed them. I mean.... when you love someone and they love you back, what's the worst that could happen? So I had to stop and think: could it really have been that honestly, in none of my past relationships, I never felt the kind of passion for making it work, no matter what? Not that I ever felt any of them were expendable, no, but after my marriage crumbled, I realized that I had emotionally vacated those grounds looooong before we finally parted ways. I am not proud of that, but I'll also not let it cripple me moving forward. I learned from that that passion cannot be forced; it's something that is either there or it isn't, and when you act on passion, by default you put in work. And when you put in work, great things happen and you realize that you're even more passionate and determined than before. Huh. So that's what they meant.... I see that now. I also see that I've found.. that passion, and I'm here to work. Good or bad. 


fairweather we are not.
fight for what you love.



I don't know the future, but that's not my job to foresee everything. For the time being, I'm here by the grace of the God we love and He's never going to disappoint, ya know, just in case anything - or anyone - else does.

And so another moment of turbulence along the path was met today by honesty, faith, patience, compassion and loyalty. Let's not pretend we're ever too advanced or exempt from a little tribulation. I feel better already, and that's encouragement enough for me.

G'Nite.
xo | cmd

[Encouragement] Exactly When You Need It

Rob and I went to church this morning.
.... An hour early.

Woops. I've been out of town for the past several weekends, and with everything that's happened over the past few days, all I knew was that we were going to church. Why I thought it was at 10am, I'm not sure... but we filled the idle time with breakfast before heading back for the 11am service.

Today was one of those days that I .. just .. knew He would have something in store for us. It's been a stressful time over the past few days, and though it's all settled now, there are still other [unrelated] challenges for us to face together in the very immediate future, and it's not going to be a walk in the park. I couldn't count how many times I've closed my eyes even for just seconds to pray over all of this, for the answers to be revealed, whether in our favor or not, and for some sort of direction. Most of all, I'm praying for tenacity. We are all called at points to be a rock for someone else, and I feel that right now that's my position. So some courage, tenacity and some direction are things I'm after these days.

And then Pastor Jeff hit us with this [I want MORE]:

sonrise series: relentless

^ This is the series in session right now at SonRise. PJ wasted no time unfolding this to us, digging specifically into the life of Abraham and the life of change he endured at the most unexpected times. Today's installment of the series posed the question,

"How can I be relentless with my faith to change?"

I was glued to my seat, and as I saw Rob nodding occasionally in my peripherals, I knew I wasn't alone.  Call me stoic here, but the hour and some change that we spent listening to this message today was a pivotal point for me.. for us.. in realizing our own potential if we can just clear away the doubt and replace it with faith. I hate to admit that I walked into church today feeling not entirely defeated.. but certainly deflated and a little lost in the clutter of our current situation.


from illinois to ohio...

We are in the process of relocating Rob from Illinois to Ohio. Like I said, that's not going to be an easy feat for either of us. Until he has his feet firmly planted in a solid job here, I will bear some of the weight of sustenance. Adversely, when he leaves Illinois, there will be family and friends in his absence that he won't see every day. He'll be in a new city, and - for a touch of humor in it all - he'll be stuck with me as a primary friend.. at least immediately. ;) . But really, this is going to test us on a multitude of different levels because there is never a guarantee that any given plan will run its course without deviation or hurdle, but today I was reminded that if I - if we - are RELENTLESS in our faith, then we will focus on the next step, one at a time, reminded that while change does require sacrifice, we will never be given more than we can handle.

I definitely have something new to reflect on and pray over during devo time this week (:

After church, we stopped by the house to unwind for a little before heading to Brittany's to watch the game. Rob hadn't been to her house yet, so it was nice to show him around and of course to see Brittany & her boyfriend Joe, Kalyn, Keifer, Kara & her friend McKayla. We hung out there for a little bit before Keifer had to split out for work. Shortly after that we followed him down to Bakersfield for some grub to end out the day.

bakersfield tacos. nobody's mad. (: (: (: (:

And since Keifer was working, of course there were some spirits a-flowin'. Kalyn ordered a round of this stuff [let's just say it's clear and you take it with salt+lime].. we're a goofy bunch but I love 'em.

kalyn. rob. brittany. joe
tequi, tequi, tequiiiila...

We left Bakersfield and now we're here, at home, watching Olympus Has Fallen, which is probably going to give me nightmares about our country going under seige in a sheerly apocolyptic way. Go figure; I should've known better, watching an action flick with the main protagonists being who they were. I'm a big fan of Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart, so I suppose it wasn't a total loss.

A few days ago I wasn't sure just how this weekend would go, but today, all the way around was testament that right here, right now, we have the unwavering faithfulness of the God we serve, and the friends next to us that are there.. really there.. when we need them. It's the month of being thankful, and on this 10th day of it, I am absoLUTELY thankful for what we have, including the struggles that will fortify us for pursuing through them. [BE RELENTLESS! ;) ]

Rob leaves tomorrow to head back to Illinois and I've gotta be up to beat Monday morning to the punch, so we'll say good night for now (:

xo | cmd