s u r r e n d e r

image credit: Instagram @morganharpernichols

I needed to sit down and write this out while it's still fresh.

I was driving home from church this morning, overwhelmed by the A-ha! moments I've had, just so far today. It's barely afternoon, and I'm brimming with conviction. But that's how God works. Today's entry is for me. I'm speaking in raw format for myself, so if this maybe resonates for you too, then know I am in your corner, and perhaps we're wearing at least one of the same shoes.

Today's church service, at a glance, was all things routinely slated as it can be: worship, sermon, invitation, communion, fellowship - all the things that comprise a Sunday morning, come and go. If I said that every single Sunday echoed at a core level like today did, I'd be lying. While there is always a powerful point to the message, there is, with varying frequency, one (or more) that I feel were designed to speak directly and specifically into the spaces of my mind and heart that are wary, tired or broken. Today was one of those.

Today was one of the weekends I was scheduled off in the rotation of the worship team. It is just as beautiful to me to lead out through the mic, as it is to be still and be fed. It is just as necessary. Today was a day to be fed. Today was a day to be humbled. To be an active listener. To be an ACTIVE responder. To surrender.

One of the most basic tools we are given as humans, as friends, as families, as Christians - are relationships. We are wired to seek and serve a purpose, and we thrive when we do so, according to our individual gifts. If we are living out our abilities, we will inevitably be doing so among the company of others who share gifts, or who serve in other ways that complete the picture. We are built as relational creatures: in our families, in our friendships and in fellowship. By definition, 'relationships' is a plural entity, meaning that we will find synchrony with other people in the process of building and living out those relationships.

That then, by proxy, means letting go.
To clarify, that does not mean losing yourself. They are not the same thing.

I have lost myself before. I'm sure I'll do it again before my time on earth is over. I've tried to fit the mold that something or someone else has built, and all too late realized that I was never meant to fit into that mold. I have focused on becoming or being the way someone else is. I have tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed. But I have also tried and succeeded! The difference comes when I let go. When I surrender myself to the goal at hand, and get out of my own way.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, I suppose it is, in most cases. As a Christian, as a believer, I can vouch though that the real test of faith comes when I am asked to surrender. Why? Because I am very much human, and surrendering the things that keep me "safe," requires a faith that I do not always have.

Not on my own, anyway. What do I mean by this? Well for starters: When I am called to serve. Something as 'simple' as our praise team. It is an area of ministry that must be filled, and in the last year, my church as been blessed with a worship leadership team that has brought us together and sculpted us into a well-oiled machine (with room to grow, always always always!). But the process took faith! It took a determination to be flexible. To adopt new things, and integrate them with old things. To follow. To work together. To accept instruction, constructive criticism. To accept praise. To be patient with technical issues on a Sunday morning. Tuning issues. Tempo issues. It is all of those things.

On a larger scale, surrender comes as a struggle for me where relationships are concerned.

Forgiveness. 

Grace. 

Mercy. 

Humility. 

Guilt. 

Am I the only one who struggles with LETTING GO of some of those things? 

Am I the only one who feels somehow ENTITLED to keep a white-knuckle grip on some of these? 

Am I the only one who feels like they might lost themselves if I give these things up? 

Am I the only one who fears the unknown that lies beyond the surrender of these things? 

I am not the only one. I am surrounded by a church family, comprised of other humans, with other life experiences and wisdoms that sometimes dwarf my own, or in other cases remind me of the beauty that I may have lost sight of through something of my own. Today, a few members of my 'family' spoke into me, through the message (Josh), and in personal anecdotes afterwards (Joyce & Dale), and for them I am so thankful. 

I struggle with surrender. I often equate it with being weak. With failing myself. With the natural fear of the unknown. With the dread of repeating the same mistakes or experiences again. I hold onto what tangible security I feel like I have, and live inside the isolation of fear. I often wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "if I let go, I'm going to get hurt again." I worry. I become anxious that I will be caught off guard or otherwise unprepared for something I should've seen coming. I doubt my abilities, my capabilities and my emotional bandwidth. I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I fear that in letting go, I may just lose myself. 

Cori, the hard and indisputable TRUTH is that there is FREEDOM in surrender. There is LIBERATION in letting go. There is PEACE in the stillness. Think about it. Just THINK, how beautiful it is to plant a seed and literally NOT have to be the one who waters it into full maturity? How freeing it is, to allow your shoulders to breathe OUT from beneath the weight you've made them carry? How triumphant it feels to look back at the transcript of your life so far, and realize that your testimony lies in the FACT that God has literally N E V E R been absent in providing you with what you've needed?! That to forgive yourself for the things you've done wrong, allows you the space to forgive others for what they've done to you? To model service after the way Jesus served, allows you to get OUT of your own way and let God move in the impossible formats that only He can? That to SURRENDER your doubt, means that you don't have to carry it? How many times have you lost sight of this? And have you not suffered EVERY single time because you did?  YOU DID. 

S U R R E N D E R. 

Let go of the control. Let go of the plan I have, and remember that God will bless my efforts tenfold when I let Him in to heal. When I stop trying to do it all on my own, is when I will win. When I finally pause long enough to see that there are outstretched hands from other people - other believers - who have been here before, who are living in service and ready to help me do the same.. that is when I will truly be able to serve with a clear heart. 

I'm human. The idea of blind trust and faith is something that we are all literally born with. We grow out of it as we grow, as we are exposed to the world. As we experience. As we find joy, and live through pain. As we build walls to try and neutralize the stings of rejection, betrayal, loss, disappointment. I cling to my own devices more often than not, and without fail, it leads me further into chaos. 

This isn't a new thing for me. Surrender is something I have always struggled with. I find hope in the fact that I surrounded by other humans who struggle at some level with this, too. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved by a God who gave His son's life so that I would not have to pay the price of death for the things I've done wrong. 

Just as this isn't a new struggle for me, it will not resolve itself overnight. But here I sit, confessing this area of perpetual weakness, on a platform that will give me reference access to anywhere I go, anytime I need to be reminded. And it's here for you too, if you're out there reading this and relating. 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." 

- James 4:10

It's okay to let go. In fact, that is what we're called to do. It's part of growth. In order to grow, I have to trust the process. I have to try and fail, and I have to try and succeed. I have to forgive. I have to show mercy, because I have been shown mercy beyond my comprehension, let alone my merit. I have been shown grace and love so unconditional that I am a fool not to show them to the people in my own life. I have scars that should not serve as shackles, but as blocks on which I can build my testimony.

currently listening…. highly recommend! 

This will be a process. It is always a continuous process.
Surrender isn't easy. But it's necessary.
I can do this. We can do this. ♥

xo | cmd

Not The Plan...

It was late last night before my head hit the pillow. It's always a strange sensation adjusting to an empty house; even the dogs weren't entirely sure if making noise and ruckus was the way to go for the evening. They were snoozing long before I climbed into bed for the night, but it wasn't about to stay that way.

I was somewhere in a dream, when the soundtrack of my phone ringing started cutting in. I don't know much about the dream states, but I know I've been there before, doing some random dream activity, and the sound of an alarm clock or a ringtone becomes surround sound, and there I am, in a concert blend of dream and reality.

And then I woke up, to Rob's call that he'd wrecked his bike. It was 1am. I'd been asleep for probably just shy of 2 hours at that point, but I was awake in no time. In the 40 minutes that followed, I gathered what information I could from Rob and Matt on the accident, and was bags packed in my car on the way to Tennessee.

Five hours. Five hours driving, texting and calling Matt with updates. 

Rob is at Leconte Medical Center in Sevierville. Dillon was not involved in the accident and is okay.

Rob will be transferred to the trauma unit at UT Medical Center in Knoxville. 

Rob has been transferred.  Matt texts back. Jesse texts back.

Matt is meeting Courtney halfway between Kentucky & Illinois to get his trailer for the bikes. 

Rob's mom calls. His dad calls. Becky calls. Matt calls. My mom calls. Jesse calls.

Calls. Texts. Driving, driving, driving. I'm relatively good at keeping calm through things like this, and for some reason, I had a strange peace about it all even as I navigated through the mountains in the dark. I was over halfway through the trip when the sun met me to rise, and I pulled into the hospital in the golden light of early morning, into a front row parking spot of the garage just outside the main entrance.

My heart broke when I walked into his room. I've never seen him like this, even though I know he's been in situations of mishap before. I've never experienced it, not until today, and I can boldly say I am not a fan.

:( 

Now, as with every other hospital I've ever been in, when you want or need something, you've gotta speak up. It's not being rude, it's just a fact of life. You're one of many in that place, and they'll get to you quicker if you just ask. That's the part I hate, as I'm horribly nonconfrontational about these things. However after arriving in his room at 9am, the clock turned over to 1:30 pm and I decided it was time to pipe up. My requests were met with polite smiles and promises of attention which were fulfilled within the hour of my asking. I had faith in the UT Med Center staff :)

The trauma surgery team came down to do an assessment. Then the maxillofacial team came down. A doctor explained to us the extent of the damage as shown by x-ray, and their intended steps to correct and mend. He began to suture the gash in Rob's nose, while I opted to wait in the lobby.

I came back to find a semi-mended Rob. His face still held the damage, but at least now it was contained, both aesthetically and on the scale of pain. We began our discharge, and after eating some food, made the walk together out of the hospital.

look at those snazzy socks.. haha

I stopped to fill the prescriptions, then continued onward for the 45ish minute drive to the cabin the guys had rented in Gatlinburg. The prayers I said today were that of gratitude, for safety and for healing. I know the next few days aren't going to be fun, whatever they hold. We're not even sure yet.

Walking into the cabin, we met Dillon, who looked as exhausted as I felt. Within the next half hour, Matt, Courtney and Cadence arrived with the truck and trailer. We made dinner and sat down, each at the end of his and her daily energy supplies.

It certainly wasn't how I'd intended to rendezvous with these friends, but we're here together regardless, and it's a nice spot in a cloud, if that makes sense.

Tomorrow, we'll leave this cabin and decide if the next few days will be spent here in Gatlinburg, or if we'll be heading home. We'll see. We'll see.

For now, gooooood night, world.
And Lord, THANK YOU for all that You are and give to us. We are so, so undeserving of Your mercy.

Amen..

xo | cmd

"She Is Not Her Circumstance"

Two things for today:

 

➊

I read something absolutely beautiful today. It was simple, and I felt so compelled to share it that I wanted to do so across all fronts, including here.

If you have a spare couple of minutes, read THIS.
It's a simply-written entry by "Erika," one of many writers for the Christian-based blog, A Deeper Story. I have read a few entries there, authored by various writers, and just added them to my following list. Erika shares an encounter that could have amounted to nothing, had she ignored the opportunity to bless herself with the time spent with her new friend, Diamond. You'll have to read the whole thing for that to make sense, but I'll warn you, it's something of a tear-jerker.

I read this, over and over.. and let the words mull around in my brain for a little while. I picture Diamond, a girl whose distorted sense of direction in this world was positioned that way before she had a chance to learn up from down. I picture her as a child, gathering in the world from the vantage point of a child born to drug addicts, to whom she was likely a fleeting priority, if not a nuissance most days. I envision her crying herself to sleep on the nights when she desperately ached to have a strong, sheparding arm guiding her back to a place of hope and comfort, and I am honestly sad. My heart hurt for her as I read that. I see a teenage girl with a skewed sense of self-worth, giving herself over to lustful temptations because she's never learned how to deny them. A child raising a child, and then two, and then three. And then losing them because she is following her parents' footsteps of addiction and disappointment. I see the world meeting her for the first time at the end of a bad day; she's now an adult and the culmination of her entire life up to this point is nothing she could ever explain to someone in the few seconds it takes for them to form an opinion of her. We see Diamond every day, whether it's obvious or subtle.

Reality check.
We are NOT called to decide who does and doesn't "deserve" grace and mercy from us while we are on this earth. By what standards are we going to be measured when we're gone, anyway? The stuff we've collected while we were here? No. The amount of money left in our bank accounts? No.

Our legacy will be measured and defined
by the impact on those left to share it for us.

 

Whoa, is right. I can't look at my daughter and ever imagine her wanting for something that to me seems so ... obvious. Like a hug. Or a safe place to sleep at night. Or for me, as her mother, to keep the world at bay for her safety when I am supposed to. No, I can not imagine that. Nor can I imagine my own life being so upside-down that the idea of stability is just about foreign, something I dream about at night but have little hope of ever actually achieving. There is a very important, pretty much cardinal reminder here: Whether you exercise an open-mind because of your faith, or if you choose to do it solely out of the concept of encouraging another person rather than berate them, just... do it. When we're little, we think we'll live forever. We won't, but there's still enough time to make it count. ♥

And..

➋

I was met in real-life with the perfect illustration that she in fact is not her circumstance. This coincidentally happened on the same day that I read that blog entry up there ^^. I'm sure there's no real coincidence in it all, more of a chronological unfolding of life-application, if you will. I wasn't quite sure how to condense the situation into a brief blurb, but I did what I could:

rant... rant.

^ Now, a couple of things.
First, I was floored by the number of people who chimed in on this. I left the gym pretty ruffled over the whole ordeal, especially since I blew my chance to say something when I should've. They disappeared just a few minutes into my run, and after I was finished, I did a full lap around the place in search of neon matching yoga pants outfits, but they were nowhere to be found. Second, I am sorry. To the woman working out, I wish I would've just paused my workout to drop a line of reality to those two. I think I'm even more burned by my not doing that when I had the chance to do it. It's like one of those times when you've already had an altercation with someone and you spend the next three hours re-playing the list of I-wish-I-would've-said-THAT-comeback's. Yeah, that is exactly what I'm still doing, like, almost five hours later. GRRRRRRRRR.

Tomorrow's a new day, and if I happen to spot them again, hopefully 1] they're actually working out this time, because frankly it's annoying to be dripping sweat while wondering why the person next to you is there in the first place, and 2] I'll be able to speak a reminder of grace to them in an actual graceful way, as opposed to how I probably would've said it today. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't open my mouth; I'm not prone to merciful deliveries in a state of aggravation like that [i.e, things on which I am trying to improve, constantly]. We'll see.

///////endrant.

I'm still fueled about the whole thing. Sorry. I can't seem to let this go. Even while we were at dinner with Kalyn & Jess, they brought it up after having read my tirade on Facebook. I'm not really surprised, but still glad to know I'm not the only person who wanted to b-slap the perfectly-manicured smoky eyes off those two gals. Grarrrrrr...

BUT, I'll focus on this in the back of mind for the rest of the night and probably the rest of the week. Tonight, I did have a blast with Kalyn, Jess and Rob while we ate at Main Street. Chad of course waited us, which meant some time visiting with him and also Cameron, for the few minutes he poked his head out of the back.

"fat thursday! errr... tuesday... *autocorrect! ;)"
- jess

^ This pretty much summed up the table tonight: plates full of burgers, fries and drinks, to celebrate Fat Tuesday. I, not being Catholic, have always known that Fat Tuesday is the Tuesday after Mardi Gras, but never really understood the actual purpose of it. I know, sounds dumb... but, it's never too late to figure it out, which I did tonight... and it makes total practical sense. Sorry, Catholic friends.. I was just a little behind.

*Sigh. It's been a day. I'm ready to crash and do it all again tomorrow. Actually, we're scheduled to throw a Cyclones game into the mix tomorrow night, so that should be fun, too.

See you, then!

xo | cmd

Simple Words For Livin' & A Classic

TRUTH.

I felt it specifically appropriate to add this in for today.
This is something with which I constantly fail, even in my greatest efforts. That's both the beauty and curse of being human, blessed with God's endearing grace and mercy; I will fail at this, but God never fails at anything. I was prompted to go seeking some encouragement in scripture form to post up at my desk after some happenings at work this morning; this is what I found, and it is now printed and hung directly in my immediate line of sight. I am confident this will serve as a daily reminder to me that I am a witness, daily, to the people that come in and go out of my office. I don't know the first thing about their lives outside this office past what we discuss while they're here, and I've found too often that the nature of my job fools me at times into falling into a colder frame of functioning than I intended.

Simply put, it's easy to become callous in my job, if I'm not careful. Guilty.

I don't know if you've noticed lately the tagline at the top of my blog, but I am in fact a kid on a journey, in a world that is not my home. I'm a guest here, and while I am, I need to be a light, not a burnt out bulb.

Just a little thought niblet for the day. I needed it, so maybe you did too. If not, pass it on :)

Oh, and it's a-stormin' down here in St. Clair County, so naturally, everything electric is on the fritz. We managed to still watch The Voice [in and out due to the storm]. In between reception times and afterwards, we opted for one of my favorite classics: Annie! -- And yes, the 1982 version. By the end of it, Sydni was singing along and dancing in the living room. Love love love.

P.S. - I also love checking out the "then-and-now" galleries for stars of those types of films. Check it out :) 

aileen quinn ... aka - annie!
[all grown up ;) ]

I happen to be one of those people who loves storms [in moderation, of course]; It's time to call it an early night to go and lull away to the rain... *yawn.

Happy Tuesday :)
xo | cmd