s u r r e n d e r

image credit: Instagram @morganharpernichols

I needed to sit down and write this out while it's still fresh.

I was driving home from church this morning, overwhelmed by the A-ha! moments I've had, just so far today. It's barely afternoon, and I'm brimming with conviction. But that's how God works. Today's entry is for me. I'm speaking in raw format for myself, so if this maybe resonates for you too, then know I am in your corner, and perhaps we're wearing at least one of the same shoes.

Today's church service, at a glance, was all things routinely slated as it can be: worship, sermon, invitation, communion, fellowship - all the things that comprise a Sunday morning, come and go. If I said that every single Sunday echoed at a core level like today did, I'd be lying. While there is always a powerful point to the message, there is, with varying frequency, one (or more) that I feel were designed to speak directly and specifically into the spaces of my mind and heart that are wary, tired or broken. Today was one of those.

Today was one of the weekends I was scheduled off in the rotation of the worship team. It is just as beautiful to me to lead out through the mic, as it is to be still and be fed. It is just as necessary. Today was a day to be fed. Today was a day to be humbled. To be an active listener. To be an ACTIVE responder. To surrender.

One of the most basic tools we are given as humans, as friends, as families, as Christians - are relationships. We are wired to seek and serve a purpose, and we thrive when we do so, according to our individual gifts. If we are living out our abilities, we will inevitably be doing so among the company of others who share gifts, or who serve in other ways that complete the picture. We are built as relational creatures: in our families, in our friendships and in fellowship. By definition, 'relationships' is a plural entity, meaning that we will find synchrony with other people in the process of building and living out those relationships.

That then, by proxy, means letting go.
To clarify, that does not mean losing yourself. They are not the same thing.

I have lost myself before. I'm sure I'll do it again before my time on earth is over. I've tried to fit the mold that something or someone else has built, and all too late realized that I was never meant to fit into that mold. I have focused on becoming or being the way someone else is. I have tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed. But I have also tried and succeeded! The difference comes when I let go. When I surrender myself to the goal at hand, and get out of my own way.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, I suppose it is, in most cases. As a Christian, as a believer, I can vouch though that the real test of faith comes when I am asked to surrender. Why? Because I am very much human, and surrendering the things that keep me "safe," requires a faith that I do not always have.

Not on my own, anyway. What do I mean by this? Well for starters: When I am called to serve. Something as 'simple' as our praise team. It is an area of ministry that must be filled, and in the last year, my church as been blessed with a worship leadership team that has brought us together and sculpted us into a well-oiled machine (with room to grow, always always always!). But the process took faith! It took a determination to be flexible. To adopt new things, and integrate them with old things. To follow. To work together. To accept instruction, constructive criticism. To accept praise. To be patient with technical issues on a Sunday morning. Tuning issues. Tempo issues. It is all of those things.

On a larger scale, surrender comes as a struggle for me where relationships are concerned.

Forgiveness. 

Grace. 

Mercy. 

Humility. 

Guilt. 

Am I the only one who struggles with LETTING GO of some of those things? 

Am I the only one who feels somehow ENTITLED to keep a white-knuckle grip on some of these? 

Am I the only one who feels like they might lost themselves if I give these things up? 

Am I the only one who fears the unknown that lies beyond the surrender of these things? 

I am not the only one. I am surrounded by a church family, comprised of other humans, with other life experiences and wisdoms that sometimes dwarf my own, or in other cases remind me of the beauty that I may have lost sight of through something of my own. Today, a few members of my 'family' spoke into me, through the message (Josh), and in personal anecdotes afterwards (Joyce & Dale), and for them I am so thankful. 

I struggle with surrender. I often equate it with being weak. With failing myself. With the natural fear of the unknown. With the dread of repeating the same mistakes or experiences again. I hold onto what tangible security I feel like I have, and live inside the isolation of fear. I often wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "if I let go, I'm going to get hurt again." I worry. I become anxious that I will be caught off guard or otherwise unprepared for something I should've seen coming. I doubt my abilities, my capabilities and my emotional bandwidth. I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I fear that in letting go, I may just lose myself. 

Cori, the hard and indisputable TRUTH is that there is FREEDOM in surrender. There is LIBERATION in letting go. There is PEACE in the stillness. Think about it. Just THINK, how beautiful it is to plant a seed and literally NOT have to be the one who waters it into full maturity? How freeing it is, to allow your shoulders to breathe OUT from beneath the weight you've made them carry? How triumphant it feels to look back at the transcript of your life so far, and realize that your testimony lies in the FACT that God has literally N E V E R been absent in providing you with what you've needed?! That to forgive yourself for the things you've done wrong, allows you the space to forgive others for what they've done to you? To model service after the way Jesus served, allows you to get OUT of your own way and let God move in the impossible formats that only He can? That to SURRENDER your doubt, means that you don't have to carry it? How many times have you lost sight of this? And have you not suffered EVERY single time because you did?  YOU DID. 

S U R R E N D E R. 

Let go of the control. Let go of the plan I have, and remember that God will bless my efforts tenfold when I let Him in to heal. When I stop trying to do it all on my own, is when I will win. When I finally pause long enough to see that there are outstretched hands from other people - other believers - who have been here before, who are living in service and ready to help me do the same.. that is when I will truly be able to serve with a clear heart. 

I'm human. The idea of blind trust and faith is something that we are all literally born with. We grow out of it as we grow, as we are exposed to the world. As we experience. As we find joy, and live through pain. As we build walls to try and neutralize the stings of rejection, betrayal, loss, disappointment. I cling to my own devices more often than not, and without fail, it leads me further into chaos. 

This isn't a new thing for me. Surrender is something I have always struggled with. I find hope in the fact that I surrounded by other humans who struggle at some level with this, too. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved by a God who gave His son's life so that I would not have to pay the price of death for the things I've done wrong. 

Just as this isn't a new struggle for me, it will not resolve itself overnight. But here I sit, confessing this area of perpetual weakness, on a platform that will give me reference access to anywhere I go, anytime I need to be reminded. And it's here for you too, if you're out there reading this and relating. 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." 

- James 4:10

It's okay to let go. In fact, that is what we're called to do. It's part of growth. In order to grow, I have to trust the process. I have to try and fail, and I have to try and succeed. I have to forgive. I have to show mercy, because I have been shown mercy beyond my comprehension, let alone my merit. I have been shown grace and love so unconditional that I am a fool not to show them to the people in my own life. I have scars that should not serve as shackles, but as blocks on which I can build my testimony.

currently listening…. highly recommend! 

This will be a process. It is always a continuous process.
Surrender isn't easy. But it's necessary.
I can do this. We can do this. ♥

xo | cmd

"People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine"

If there is one thing I've learned in the last year... well, really two years, is that sometimes the people on whom you rely, in whom you trust and by word alone you believe, are apt to let you down. I'm not faultless of this, and perhaps factoring my own mistakes with the disappointments of others has aided me in realizing that people in general, will never fully satisfy our needs.

Today was one of those days, I guess you could say, that served to teach me another valuable lesson in two-way communication, patience, loyalty, honesty and trust. I'm really in no position to give relationship advice, given the ways I fell apart over the past couple years, but what I will adamantly claim is that I am on the mend, and stronger for it.

I am four months into the long-distance part of an 11-month relationship with my best friend. Our friendship extends the length of our 'dating' time, but still. It's long-distance, erego we trade see you tonight most days for talk to you tomorrow's and have fun, I'll talk to you soon's. Sure, it's only about five hours between us, but that's more than some would bear.

||1|| I was reminded today that, in a world of approximately 7 billion people [& counting..], there will always be at least a couple who prove to be hurdles to whatever pursuit you're on. Some of them won't be there intentionally, some are there by proxy, some actively pursue ways to complicate things and some are meddlers in the business of other people. The me of just a mere 3 years ago probably would've handled today much differently [by that, I mean irrationally], but I found myself today wading through a very careful, calm process of listening, considering and exerting myself - candidly and as brutally honest as needed. I've developed an uncanny amount of patience over the past few years, and while not to confuse it with voluntary ignorance, it certainly does help me find level-headed approaches to this sort of thing. Specific to this, I obviously find the man I'm dating attractive, and since I'm soooort of not the only girl on the planet, of course there will be others who share my sentiment {and vice versa}. The trick is to separate the thoughts and sometimes ploys of others from questioning the loyalty of the guy by my side. Seeking the truth and being paranoid are two very different things I've discovered, and I have... zero time to indulge in the latter. It is, or it isn't, and how you handle the factual outcome is up to you. In this case, some people are just throwing rocks at things that shine, thank you very much Taylor Swift... :p.

||2|| As easy as it would have been to overreact... to snap and panic, I didn't. I had a revelation today that I am finally in a place where I am vulnerable, in a whole new way. This is the first time in my entire life, that I have ever wholly trusted anyone [in terms of a relationship partner].. more specifically, the first time anyone has ever validated my trust. I'm the person that gets harped at often for too-easily trusting people to do and be what they say they will do and be, only to be the sullen recipient of many - loving, though many - I told you so's. Over time, I built walls against people who were only there to help me, some of whom hadn't ever disappointed me but were just lumped together with any and everyone else. Inside that safe barracade it was just me and Sydni, and really there isn't much advanced confiding happening between an adult and a 3 or 4-year-old.

Rob is the reason the walls are dissolving. They're not gone, and honestly I think it's healthy to maintain boundaries around certain things, but he has made it past my defiance and shown me that I don't have to be anything but the rawest, imperfect me and still be loved in spite of it. In fact, I can be confident in everything that I am and am not, and he'll do the same. No more facades, fake smiles or biting my tongue when the words are fighting to get out. No more conditional love, based on what I do, who I know, how much money I make or what I own. Almost 30 and I'm getting my first taste of this.... late in the game, I KNOW, but let that serve to show ya it's never too late to be taught.

||3|| Another thing that I found sidelined in my mind today as we dealt with the words of a third party, is that Rob and I are BOTH... neither perfect now nor do we come from perfect little pasts. More than that, we HE doesn't pretend to have it together when he doesn't, and that is something I'm learning, too. It's insanely difficult for an independent hardhead like myself to admit when things are broken, and it's nearly impossible to ask for help when I should be able to find a solution on my own. At least it was impossible. I've had my first experience with a significant other of exposing the mistakes and experiences I had IN THE PAST and instead of chastising, score-keeping and comparison, I've been met with acceptance in spite of those things, understanding, and while it's not condonement, solid expectation of accountability to neither continue or repeat old or unsavory habits, but given with compassion, not pride.

||4|| I'm also learning to communicate. It feels rather primitive to say that, but in lament's terms, that's exactly what it is. There are people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, some on their foreheads, facebook pages, whatever .... and on the opposite end of that spectrum, there are people like me, who would rather absorb someone else's bad day and offer consolation, than ask them to bear the weight of my own problems. Again, I'm in my third decade of existence and just learning how to say, "I'm not okay." It's liberating. Today, I was left feeling quite proud of my new communication skills; without them I know we wouldn't have reached a resolve as quickly as we did.

||5|| When people much more seasoned at this than myself told me that ancient adage, relationships are HARD WORK, I guess I really only half believed them. I mean.... when you love someone and they love you back, what's the worst that could happen? So I had to stop and think: could it really have been that honestly, in none of my past relationships, I never felt the kind of passion for making it work, no matter what? Not that I ever felt any of them were expendable, no, but after my marriage crumbled, I realized that I had emotionally vacated those grounds looooong before we finally parted ways. I am not proud of that, but I'll also not let it cripple me moving forward. I learned from that that passion cannot be forced; it's something that is either there or it isn't, and when you act on passion, by default you put in work. And when you put in work, great things happen and you realize that you're even more passionate and determined than before. Huh. So that's what they meant.... I see that now. I also see that I've found.. that passion, and I'm here to work. Good or bad. 


fairweather we are not.
fight for what you love.



I don't know the future, but that's not my job to foresee everything. For the time being, I'm here by the grace of the God we love and He's never going to disappoint, ya know, just in case anything - or anyone - else does.

And so another moment of turbulence along the path was met today by honesty, faith, patience, compassion and loyalty. Let's not pretend we're ever too advanced or exempt from a little tribulation. I feel better already, and that's encouragement enough for me.

G'Nite.
xo | cmd