Talk To Me, Pinterest

We're leaving for Illinois tomorrow, and today was one of those fast forward days that didn't seem to stop even for a moment. It was an early morning at work, a rapid fire day at work, and then straight to the hour+ roundtrip to get Sydni and come home.

It was one of those days that tested my sanity and showed me that my patience extends further than sometimes I've even been able to believe.

It's days like this when I [and excuse me in advance for how cheesy this is going to sound] find myself clicking through Pinterest to find some additional inspiration. I told you it was cheesy. BUT, it worked, and I thought I'd share some of them with you, my fellow blogbots... in case you're in need of some additional oompf today:

First - get your mind right. If the world is fine, don't reinvent the day by creating your own problems, drama or dischord! The right outlook from us, starts with us.

This one has resonated with me tenfold over the past several months. As patient as I try to be, I've always found root in this principle. As I attended a soccer camp some odd years ago, one of the evening motivational speakers said to us that in her history as a player, the best and most respected players she knew were the ones who very rarely had to vocalize their successes or abilities. They demonstrated it instead, which left impressions far more powerful than just words. I love that. Either BE it or don't, but either way, just DO something and stop telling me all about whether or not you do it, are it, or [insert verb here] it.

More lighthearted on this one. As an adult, I find the struggle here more often than I dismiss it, especially when my plate gets cluttered with the responsibilities of adulthood:work, parenting, bills, social obligations, etc. Thankfully, I have a five-year-old who is constantly reminding me that wonder is an ageless, timeless thing that is essential to our survival - at any stage.

It got crazy today, and in a few select moments, I know that I let the pressure get the best of me. This is a memo to myself, on days like this... in moments like that. Be still, self. Just... listen. 

A reminder to myself that regardless of how the world around me - and those in it - choose to function, adhering to this myself is nobody's responsibility but mine, and it should be one that I actively choose to make each and every single day. Can you imagine if we all made strives for the greatness of glorification of the God who made us, and for each other, rather than for our own often-depraved agendas? #fantasyworld

Lastly, this one. There were several others that seemed so much more cleverly-worded, philosophical, more eloquent, more visually enticing, whatever... but I saw this one and realized that it's the exact opposite of what my human brain wants to do on days like this. It is the exact opposite of what I want to do, but the exact thing I need to do. Amen? Amen.

It's days... like... this.... just breathe. :)

I read those again a few times, and then looked up to my own life here in this moment, right now:

I am home. I am here, present in this moment and proud of the simple little life that I'm blessed to be a part of. Love & light, from us to you.

Happy Thursday!

xo | cmd

#TeamPanama is #FamilyForever... #♥

I had an amazing time with my family today.

Two parts of my family. :)

The first of course was my own little clan: Rob and Sydni [& the dogs, too, if you want to count them] made my morning the gorgeous chaotic rhythm that it always is, but couple that with sunshine and a stellar message at SonRise, and you've got perfection on earth :).

poor stella.... haha

stella bella! 

PLUS, Syd decided she would be a Ngobe for today, so this is what we sported to church:

dress, chacara.. and larry the cucumber... ♥♥♥

She wanted to hitch a ride to the car... 

my world ♥

sydni - 1. rob - 0.
the usual score. 

After church, we headed home for a few hours of relaxing after lunch, some light cleaning and some cooking - the evening rolled around faster than we expected, and we were off to the Costanzas for a backyard cookout and Panama team reunion.

then and now! 

It seems like it was ages ago that we stood in those mountains, posed for that picture as the minutes disappeared and we left that mountain for the last time on the trip. That picture in its entirety contains a part of my heart; I left bits of myself there with that team and the Ngobe people.

miriam... you nailed it. 

I am SO grateful for the company, presence and fellowship of and with this team and their families, and for welcoming Rob, Sydni and me into theirs. We are certainly blessed to have so many new and refreshing, encouraging and edifying doors opened to us, on a path of growth :).

#SonRisePanama2015
aaron. chris. marissa. cori. quinn.

Rob, Syd and I are home now; our hair and clothes have that smell of fresh air and bonfire. Our bellies are full of homemade food, and our hearts and minds are full from a fun evening of reflecting, praying and fellowship. THAT is the kind of Sunday I love.

Amen? AMEN.

Prayers for each of you entering into this week!

xo | cmd

Less, Enough, More.

Honestly:

love this. it's perfect.

I have had such a hard time this week readjusting to my life here. I can personally testify that there is always some amount of disappointment after a trip, vacation or significant event like this. The culmination of planning, preparation, adrenaline and execution of those things creates a euphoria that consumes us through whatever impact it has. I feel like I've always had hypersensitivity and susceptibility to those feelings; I can recall as a child the feeling after a week away at church camp: pining for days to be back in the cabins. Missing fellow campers that I'd just met 6 or 7 days before saying goodbye to them again. Feeling a connection with an experience that ended just as soon as it began. Even with shorter-term things, like a big game or formal event in high school and college - it was over in one night, but the sensations would remain for days, weeks and sometimes months.

THIS time, it's very much that way, but in a different light. I feel still present - mentally, spiritually and subconsciously - in the short life I had in the mountains of Panama. It sounds silly, I know, given that my entire life so far, with the exception of my birth years in the Philippines and then this one week, have been spent living in and through the American ways to which I am accustomed. HOWEVER, I somehow felt a peace there in the mountains. A stillness. Not just because of the atmosphere of morning fog and a river running all day, but because of the absolute life that seemed to reflect off of every surface. There were no roads. No cars. No cell phones (with the exception of their purposes as cameras). A daily agenda, yes, but without the pressure of failure or rejection if we didn't execute it flawlessly. There was camaraderie. Community. A set of unwritten and unspoken rules of hierarchy and fairness that governed the way the people treated each other. There was a love and respect for their surroundings, for their possessions and FOR EACH OTHER.

It is a 180 from what we [unfortunately] see more often than not here at home. Each time I turn on the news, I'm left afterwards in a headspin, wondering what we could accomplish if we channeled the energy we have not into hate, aggression, jealousy and disobedience, but into edifying each other and ourselves. What if we stopped focusing on how much we have? How prestigious we are in the eyes of our peers, colleagues and friends? What if we just.... LOVED people and the world around us?

I am a hopeless romantic in that sense, I know.

I saw a quote today, from Milton Glaser:

"Less isn't more; just enough is more."

Talk about a smack in the face. Could you just.. imagine?

The Ngobe people of Suiche, Acha, Gavila and the other villages we didn't get to cover understand this. They may not even realize that they have a better grasp on this than we do, but regardless of their acknowledgement, they've got it down.

My expectations - both good and bad, of the Panama trip were disbanded, very quickly. Here is one of the short but running lists of things revealed to me during #SonRisePanama2015:

1. It is not 90 degrees & sunny in the mountains. Not always. #RookieMistakes
2. We hiked into a community, not a cave. We were not met by a ravaged group of creatures, but rather by an organized, tight-knit and sustaining collection of neighbors.
2a. The Ngobe people are indigenous, yes, but poor? They are NOT.
2b. They were not emaciated. They were not weak or feeble. They were not dressed in tattered clothes and makeshift shoes. They were NOT lacking any material things that we could have delivered. #EyeOpener.
3. The Ngobe are a very stoic, shy people. That does not equate with resistance to our presence. They let us into their lives and into their villages.. into their homes. We did not earn this, but they offered.
4. We are NOT the ones who have this figured out: 
The Ngobe families are built around honoring each other. Children and adults alike care for their relatives and contribute to the family through their version of chores. They learn the mountain trails. The rivers. The animals and the environment. They know their names, and how to write them in cursive. Most of them speak & understand Ngäbere and Spanish. They are taught endurance through their play. Creativity through lack of technological debilitation. Resourcefulness through necessity. Modesty through dress and conduct. It became laughable how much we enable our children, and how that reflects on their attitudes and behavior. The large majority of our children would have been bored with the lack of access to outside entertainment; here, the children ran. They played soccer. They drew pictures. They sat and made eye contact with each other as they laughed and talked. No friends, we are not the superior brand.
5. I am in love. I will be back. 

It wasn't Panama in itself that changed me. It wasn't the hours on hours we spent in the airports, processing our luggage through customs, or the total of 6 airplanes that carried us back and forth. It wasn't the Panama Canal. Really, it wasn't even the mountains or the presence of indigenous people groups. It was the fact that I am without ample words or ability to explain the shift in my heart. I came back a broken person. I came home with the reality check that I didn't expect to get. The small things became big things. The big things culminated into a final day in Suiche, hugging poor little Selina so hard I thought I might break her. I needed her in that moment more than she needed me. I was at the mercy of the people in that Suiche village. Of the translators. Of my team. I was the one who needed them, not the other way around. Their humble, stoic presence ironically proved to be a reinforcing element, encouraging me every minute that we were there to let go of my inhibitions and any urges to maintain control of the situation; instead I found myself trusting in ways that I'd never done before. 

*************

I'm here in my home tonight surrounded by the life I know and live every day. I am happy to be back, but at the same time I know my perspective has been shifted.. permanently. I feel like I'm surrounded by things, but I'm still missing, lacking something. I look around at all of the things, all the amenities, all the luxuries and things that I take for granted daily, and I am immediately catapulted back to that mountain, into a cloud of people whose joy stems from their existence among each other, and not from the things they've collected.

Milton Glaser's right; Less isn't more. Just enough is more than we deserve, more often than not. I don't want more. I don't want less. I want to see what I already have as fully sufficient for my needs. I want to give back to others before I cram more stuff into my own inventory.

My prayer tonight is that this sensation, this... unraveled and pining feeling that I can't seem to shake tonight.. that I will never lose it. I pray that as days pass and turn to weeks, then months and eventually one year... that regardless of how much time accumulates between this trip and any return venture, that what's been revealed to me as result of this trip won't fade. I'm still on a high from this trip, I'm ready to load up and get on a return flight. I can't, and won't, obviously, but I will be in prayer for God to continue building this spark within me to return when He opens that door. I pray continually for the Vegas and their mission. For each one of the translators who became our core support system and guidance through the week: Matteo, Jusalino, Bernabe, Alexi, Pastor Simon, Rita & Zobeida. I pray for each of my own team members, that their experiences planted and/or fueled the desire to either return to Panama, or continue on in another form of local or international missions.

I'll see you again, Panama.
Until then, Lord please guard my heart and mind when the pressures of this world try to convince me that I need more. The only thing I need more of is you.

Amen?
AMEN.

xo | cmd

Calming My Heart: The Instagram Way

Something inside me started digging today. It's a culmination of my life at work [which has seen smoother days] and the anticipation of the trip I'm taking in a few short weeks. My mind was restless this morning, unable to focus and stay grounded. I felt like my thoughts were disconnected, scattered and agitated.

It wasn't until I stopped everything and went to Google. I was thankful today for the readily-available plethora of soothing, hipster-printed quotes, verses and adages, aesthetically designed for people going through a moment just like mine this morning. I'm not usually a sucker for posting pre-made artsy renditions of these things, but today it was what my heart needed to re-locate its pace and get me off of the spiritual arrhythmia I was experiencing.

Let me break this down:

When my flustered, bumbling fingers hit the keyboard in search of some small ounce of peace, this is the first thing that popped up:

Oh. Well, okay then.
Deep breaths.. in... and out. Repeat. Now focus, read, download, absorb.

Much of my immediately recent anxiety has been the product of my job. Before I go any further, let me be clear that I absolutely love what I do. I feel that I've been called to do this work, at least for now, and have no intentions of changing gears in that regard. However, just like most jobs, there are patches of turbulence, and it's safe to say that my team and I are in the midst of one of those now. It has been a steady bubble of activity that I have let cloud my resolve and on some days, allow seeds of resentment and bitterness to fester. Try as I may, there are days when my head and heart are exhausted by it all, and I am left to face an 8-hour day without the joy and passion that I know really exist in my work.

^ That showed up on my screen, and the first emotional response I had was guilt.

Guilt. 

I'm not perfect, ya'll. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe not in a long-term capacity, but oftentimes the ability to forgive someone for something within the immediate period of time following what I've deemed an offense... just doesn't exist. I grapple with this a lot, and today I had a heart check that pushed me straight into a prayer. A desperate prayer for forgiveness, and to give forgiveness. I know that when I forgive others, I forgive myself. It's not up to me to decide who is and isn't worthy of truly being forgiven, but it is my responsibility to let go and LET GOD.

^Ok, ok.. I know.. That one's really cliche, I know. BUT, it's true. I had to recalibrate big time this morning. I had to remember that while it seems as though I'm just on repeat most days [while I'm in the moment, at least], the bigger picture has always been, is and will continue to be a reflection of culminating works, actions, responses and growth. It's not just another day, even though this morning was a prime example of me approaching it that way. I was actively pushing back against the stresses of my morning with a malicious spirit, rather than breathing in the fact that I'd done nothing to earn this entirely brand new day I'd been given. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with the God I love, so what am I so stinkin' concerned about?!

And then I boiled down to the next thing causing ripples. This trip to Panama.
But it's a missions trip, Cori... Why is that a bad thing?!

Well, it's not [a bad thing]. It's not at all. What it is though, is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. It's one of those things in life that presents us with a wide range of response options: fear, resistance, placidity, tolerance, acceptance, embracing..... or any combination of those.

It's funny how something new can elicit a whole bunch of emotional responses that we didn't see coming, and oftentimes [as in my case today] don't even recognize until we're knee [or kneck..] deep in them.

I am always amazed at just how quickly my attitude and energy changes when I intentionally channel my focus into a simple but deliberate chain of positive and encouraging thought. As I processed through each of these things separately this morning, I felt my mood and general approach to it all starting to lighten. I felt more relaxed, less anxious. I felt more patient, less agitated. I felt more receptive to whatever the day [& people in it] had for me, and less dreading of those same things.

I could physically feel my heart slowing. I felt my hands convert from clenched fingers to palms with light fingers. I realized that I was forcefully smashing together the small and big pictures of my life as it currently sits, as opposed to allowing the two to compliment each other and cross paths when it was due. I am preparing for an international mission trip, but I also have a daily mission here at home.. and they're not that different when you strip away the travel, preparation and itinerary: Love God, Love People.. Show Light & Show Hope. I am built [we all are!] to do those things.. so...

^ Send me. Send my soul, my heart & my mind. Locally and internationally. Here I am. Send me.

Just so you know, the rest of my day didn't just magically poof into a smooth sail after my mini meltdown and re-calibration this morning. The events of the last several months and whatever people involved didn't just fall down at my feet to cater to my vision of a well-oiled operation. The grind of activity that is standard daily didn't change. There were a couple of 10-15 minute spans dotted throughout the day that actually highlighted the stresses of what we do. They were there to challenge my resolve. To strengthen my endurance, and teach me a thing or two about patience and grace. No, my day didn't warp into a fairy tale. What changed was my attitude.

I am daily reminded to let go, and let God. Worry doesn't provide any benefit to our bodies or minds, let alone to our souls. It's not fair to sit and stress about what is coming. I'm not saying I don't want to be prepared to handle whatever it is that's coming; I'm not saying that at all. I hope I've not conveyed advocacy of cavalier, reckless and without direction approach to life or circumstance, because that's not what I'm encouraging. What I am saying is that we should work daily, in whatever small ways we can to prepare our hearts and minds so that when life does hand us those things, we can react with grace, endurance and love.

And for myself and any of you out there who find yourselves at the bottom of the barrel in whatever it is, here's this:

Saying that it's never too late actually isn't true. When we're dead, then it's too late, yes. However until then, why do we allow ourselves to believe that change isn't possible? It takes a full commitment, yes, but it's possible. It is possible to reconstruct whatever part of us has been broken. The key is making sure we separate our broken pieces from what it was that broke us in the first place, and be intentional not to use both in the reconstruction.

Whew. Thanks for bearing with me, if you did actually manage all the way through my little mini-sermon. This, as most if not all of my blog entries, was written more for myself than anyone else, but if you were encouraged at all by it, then I am happy all over again. I'll leave it in the universe, with the rest of these entries for the taking :).

That being said, every solid sermon ends with a call to action.

Self, here's yours. Quit sitting around in whatever rut of self-pity has taken over you in whatever situation you're working through. Life is not guaranteed, and every decision you make produces a consequence, be it good or bad.

So..

1. STOP what you're doing & just... BE STILL. 

2. GIVE THANKS & ask for what you need through PRAYER. 

3. GET UP and DO SOMETHING about it :) 

Love, gratitude & honor to you all, blogbots!

xo | cmd

Thank You, J.K. Simmons :)

This is the benefit of waking up early in my house:

the gang's all there.... passed out.. but there.. ♥♥♥♥

^ My oh my, how I love them.

Folks, today wasn't a monumental day by any stretch, but it was perfect. I have these four, and that's all I need.

A little something I'm absorbing today:

Call your mom. Call your dad. If you're lucky enough to have a parent on this earth, call them. Don't text them. Call them." - J.K. Simmons

I'm outta here for now.
Have a blessed remainder of the week, loves!

xo | cmd

Then & Now : Memoirs to Me

I've been a prolific journaler [shh.. I know] for as long as I can remember; my mom has often shared with me the many manuscripts arranging my many legitimate struggles...

... at like, age five. What can I say? Life was pretty rough, when

"... I and can't have and the and turkoys [turquoise] doll and because Santa got and me the purple one and for Christmas." 

My love of conjunctions started early on, an indication of my aptitude development.

Anyway, I read yesterday THIS, authored by none other than my fellow star-chaser Marianne. She raised several interesting points just by penning this thing to her future self, something I coincidentally also did in 2004. I committed last night to unearthing some of those words, penned inevitably during a phase of angsty, pre-twenties self-discovery. And loathing. And soul-searching. And so on... and so on.

ohhhhhhh, the aaaaaangst.... 

Uh-huh. :|

So here's what I did: I went and in fact unearthed that duct tape-covered composition book [complete with some tattooed Dashboard Confessional lyrics, for effect #emoproblems...], which contained everything from my grocery lists [?], to random and elicited observations re: my little world of college things, and stickers, tickets & other miscellaneous swag from all the cutting-edge things/places I was going. In hindsight, I was just collecting for some imaginary scrapbook that materialized in the form of a misshapen novel.. with bumper stickers.

Folks, I naturally preferred hard-copy over e-filing in 2004, and from the looks of this, I was holed up in a corner of the 13th floor [the 'Quiet Floor' reserved for the most studious dormers, for those of you who remember Calhoun Hall].  Secluded in the vacant, dimly-lit corner of a study hall, silent but in that very way, so. EMOTIONALLY CHAOTIC... If that doesn't paint the angst for you, well..... idk.

So here's an excerpt from 2004. I wasn't much of an Headline gal in the early 2000's, so there was no other title to this other than the date:

March 10, 2004
[a Wednesday]

I swear to God I will NOT be here in 10 years. There's no way in hell that I'll feel like this in 10 years. There's no way in hell that this shit will still be getting the best of me in 10 years. I mean it. 

[Okay, as a prelude to this: 2004 was my sophomore year of college, and a/the point of my life where I, for lack of better explanation, abandoned a lot of what I stood for, including {apparently} my manners, class, faith, dignity and a bunch of other relatively essential qualities. Just an FYI; carry on....]

I made a list of New Year's Resolutions 2 months ago and haven't kept more than 2 of them. HELL YEAH! Great start, right? I thought I would be advantageous this year and reinvent the wheel, but who am I kidding? I can't even find common ground with half the people around me. 

I wonder a LOT about where I'll be in 10 years. If I'll be in this city. This state. This country. If I'll still have the same friends. At this rate, I almost HOPE I don't. That's sad. I need people who I can relate to, for REAL reasons. Not because we're both Filipino. Or because we're in the same classes all morning for 3 days a week. Or because we both play soccer. Or because we live in the same dorm. Or because we're both eating food at the same place at the same time. THESE are why I'm friends with over half of my friends... and THAT sucks. I miss my REAL friends [from my hometown; remember I'm only a year into this whole living-away-from-home thing] and know that I'm just going through the motions here. God I'm lame. 

I'm dating a guy who's clingy, not supportive and stupidly obsessed with his hair. Call me shallow, but if you can't get your shit together for the day JUST because your hair isn't cooperating? Grow a pair. He has an intellectual brain though, and for some reason I can't seem to part with it. I just wish he was more..... I dunno, grounded.

I flopped on the new year's resolutions, so I wonder if by the time I'm almost 30 in ten years, maybe I'll get it together? 

Goals: 10 years out [in no particular order]: 
* Graduate college
* Get a job. A real job. 
* Visit another country. Maybe 2. 
* Find real friends. Or stay socially-removed until I'm ready to figure out what that means. 
* STOP letting people down. 
* Get a tattoo. 
* Think about marriage when dating. Not immediately, but if he even has potential. Otherwise don't waste your time. 
* Get home more often. 
* Repair broken relationships. 
* Run more. Remember how soccer was the highlight of your life now... do NOT let it control your life in 10 years. 
* Live somewhere other than Cincinnati. Or even Ohio. 
* Stop procrastinating on EVERYthing you do. And when you decide TO do something, don't push yourself so hard that you exhaust everything you have: time, social life, money, ambitions. 
* Remember how you felt TODAY: Confused about what you actually want out of life. Broken because you've relied on yourself and not on God for the things you need, even though you know better. You're lonely, confused, hurt and broken by the damage of bad friendships and superficial relationships. You're not excited to see what the future holds - honestly, you're afraid of it and that's not what should be happening. You don't EVER want to be in this place, ever again. 

Get a hold of yokurself, Corin. You're better than this. 

*******

I condensed that down from the near 4 comp pages it consumed when I originally wrote it, but in reading it, the feelings came back. The intensity of that moment feels vague now, but not the sense of confusion and helplessness. The dark place they usher in was a place I revisited just a few short years back, and I found my way out then, too, but with a strength I didn't know I even had. 

I've thought it appropriate for a while now to extend some sort of homage to my former self, and in the process perhaps a couple of notes for the future me. Thanks again for the inspiration, Mare! 

To Corin, 2004: 

First things first, it gets better. It gets bad again here and there, but the beauty outweighs the pain tenfold. You finished college, and you have that job that you truly love. You have a small but irreplaceable network of true friends on whom you can rely when you're doing well and when you aren't. Out of an incredibly un-ideal situation came the most beautiful child you've ever known; she is a reflection of the love you want to show the world, and continues to impress you every day. She calls you mama and there's not a moment of the struggle you would trade to have her changing your world every day. You have two tattoos, one of which you got on a random outing with the girl who inspired this time-traveling letter. You've lived in a couple different states, been to a couple other countries and are on the home stretch of preparation for a missions trip to Panama. You're engaged to a guy who makes you crazy, but in the ways you laugh about, not the ones on which a relationship actually hinges. He brought you out of a place void of emotions altogether, let alone happiness. He is patient, funny and supportive of your dreams, goals and ambitions. You are still flighty when it comes to certain grown-up things: taxes, health insurance, financial portfolios. < You will probably never fully comprehend the logistics of those things, but you're doing better. You've learned to finally start speaking up when you're dissatisfied with something, instead of bottling it to the point of combustion like you did for the first 25ish years. You're no expert, but you're getting better. You still procrastinate on small things, and when you invest yourself wholly into something, you still haven't mastered the art of pacing yourself. You're damaged, imperfect and a constant work in progress, but know this: You are happy. You are growing. You are loved.

And Corin, 2025: 

That was twenty years ago now that you took your duct taped journal and stowed away in the corner of a dormitory, ridden with confusion, loneliness and anxiety. It was thirteen years ago that you relapsed into that dark place, and vowed to never repeat it ever again. You lost parts of yourself that you won't ever get back, but in the process learned more about your limits, recognized your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledged that you can't do this on your own - and that you don't need to. You don't need to prove that to anyone, regardless of what you always thought. You've redefined real strength as pursuing your faith and letting go of toxic things and people. That's important, so don't forget that, okay? 

Your daughter is 15, which I can guess now has its own set of stresses and joyous moments alike. You're married to the man whose engagement ring you're wearing now in 2015, and continuing to grown and learn together with him just as you are now. I'm going to guess we've since added a few mini's to the family; I'm excited for us to look back on this moment now wondering what he, she or they will be like. 

Twenty years ago, you were a hot mess, going through your emo everything stage. You thought you could outsmart the system of life, but weren't smart enough to see the depths of your insecurities and inexperience. You fought back against wiser peers and council who tried to help you, because quite frankly, you weren't ready to face the reality that vulnerability isn't inherently evil. Thirteen years ago, you fought tooth and nail for a failing marriage before you were able to level with the fact that the only way your daughter had a fighting chance of life in a happy household, was to divide yours and pray that two separate but functional households would bloom out of its ashes.

You did that thing where you shut down emotionally, first to the world, then to those closest to you, and then to yourself. You were a drone for months, surviving on faith and desperate hopes that you were right. You struggled like most wouldn't believe with the guilt of divorce, wrestled with how that conflicted with your core beliefs and waited almost two years after your divorce to finally start forgiving yourself for the ways in which you failed and disappointed yourself and those involved. You became intentional about your time, and even more selective about who would be permitted to get close. You were scared of hurting them in the long run, but learned over time that that would only happen if YOU give permission and YOU choose to let little things turn into big things. You are slowly earning your bachelors degree in Letting Things Go, and are making great strides in the section about harboring bitterness, resentment and pride.

In 2015, you're a work in progress. This is your first full year of your 30's, and you are happy.
You still hate tomatoes and pickles, but have managed to eat bananas without wanting to vomit. You don't smoke, and as far as drinking goes, you officially have next to zero tolerance, which isn't actually a bad thing. You don't work out as much as you should, but you're bent on reverting back to old habits in that regard, which include committing to a half marathon before the year is over. You are head over heels - often literally - with yoga, and have disproved every single one of your college-conceived notions of its principles. Your parents are visibly aging, but still as vivacious and fun as ever. Sydni is the light of their lives and she knows it. You're ready for the future, and are on the hunt for ways to ensure that it's a culmination of your investments now. You wish you could still eat whatever you wanted, but your body isn't going to let that happen.

You're only an adult based on the time you've spent on the earth; your heart is still young. You are aware the heartache and disappointment are inevitable, but you are more secure with your abilities and limits in coping than ever before. You have an acute sense of detection for and equally sensitive disdain for the artificial - things, people and situations and are no longer hesitant to eliminate them from your life.

You're not the perfect human, and you will never be perfect in the eyes of every beholder. But, here's one thing that you KNOW to be truth [& then some] as you walk into 2015:

#truth!

Love your life at 40, because 30's lookin' like it's gonna be tough to beat.

xo | cmd

Photo Shoots & Cold Pressed Juices

One of my favorite things about Cincinnati is that, especially now, it's constantly evolving and adding new dots to the map. Ten years ago, OTR wouldn't have drawn any legitimate interest from many people, but now it's a hub for some of the most delicious and attractive places here in the city.

Today started off with all smiles anyway; it was our 2015 marketing kickoff today, which meant dolling up in Express gear and bringing our A-game smiles. I love these opportunities because for us, it's never just pictures - we have a blast doing this sort of thing and inevitably have some hilarious outtakes when we're done.

Here's a couple of the highlights that we chose for our New Year's greeting card!

i ♥ this team!

It's been said that your work family can definitely be your second family; I don't know about the rest of you, but that couldn't be more true for me and this group of people. These ladies [& one gent] are the people with whom I spend most of the weekday daylight with, and I am beyond grateful that they are who they are and that we can blend the way we do.

Oh, and of course: where there are photo opps, there is always yoga.... duh!

elisa & cori : office yogis! 

Goooo figure ;)

Aaaanyway, once we'd reorganized everything that had been displaced for the sake of photography, Elisa suggested we try out a new place in Hyde Park Square: The Weekly Juicery.

the weekly juicery | hyde park, cincinnati, oh

Now, before you jump to conclusions off whatever preconceived notion you have about juice bars, let me say this: You're probably both right and wrong.

the weekly juicery | hyde park, cincinnati, oh 

If you're in the camp of people who think these places are frilly, overpriced watering holes for the privileged yogis with a weird obsession for $10 shots of wheat grass, well.... you're 90% there. This place is placed strategically across the street from a Lulu Lemon shop, on a block of retailers that yes, cater to the more... refined shopper, if you will. If you are one of those folks who frequents that level of spending on the reg, well hey, good for you - I'm not knocking you, but let's all level up here: Juice bars are a luxury, and as such by default need luxury surroundings to survive.

So that's true. Now, if you happen to be one of those artsy, free-range folks fascinated with all things local ... and fun... and artsy-fartsy like you are, then this place-and those like it- will appeal to you at face value based on those things alone.

See?

i admit i do love that. :p 

Well anyway, I'm certainly not one of those people who would be at this place every day, but I'm never opposed to checking out new things and giving them a shot.

never take yourself too seriously ;) 

Long story short, $20 later, Elisa and I had two bottles of cold pressed, locally bottled goodness:

$10/ea.

I'm 50/50 on the experience. I'm glad that Cincinnati is joining the ranks of juicebar cities, but at the end of the day, I don't know that it's gonna become one of my things, if that makes sense. It'll be a while before I'm on that level.

I'd definitely recommend you at least check it out, whether you're into that kind of thing or not. Expensive or not, it's still yummy, & a refreshing break in the day!

Here's to a day well spent, & a week hopefully the same!

xo | cmd

'Tis the Season to Be GENEROUS

She finally got me.
Sydni the germ-buster brought her sniffles home on Monday this week, and somehow I didn't contract anything until today. Fortunately, we were able to get out of the house for a few short hours to take care of some shopping:


1. Christmas Tree Lights

round lights! 

We don't have them all up yet [we didn't buy enough strands; go figure], but this year, we decided to go with round Christmas lights, as opposed to the traditional slender strands. At this point, only half the tree is lit, but that half sure is beautiful ;)

2. Christmas for SOMEONE ELSE.

♥& be merry about it, too! 

We are called to GIVE!

"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to." - Dt 15:10 NIV

Anyone out there who's ever been to a church around Christmas time has probably seen some version of this practice: You draw or pick a name of a child, and with that comes your commitment to provide for that child [or children] gifts appropriate to their age, gender, needs and possibly wants. Our church is of course participating, and it was our pleasure to choose a name and give Sydni a reinforcing experience of giving generously to someone she doesn't even know.

Sidenote: Parents, if you and your kids have never participated in this, I would strongly encourage you to do it. Not only does this give you and your family something you could do as a team, it is a teachable moment built to easily give us a platform to lead by example in giving generously AND joyfully to those in need. In our case, we reminded Sydni that not every little girl and boy has a family like ours and sometimes the only gifts they may receive could be the ones we choose.

And JUST LIKE THAT, my 5-year-old's response gives me as the PARENT a very obvious and very BOLD reminder:

Give not JUST joyfully, but give nothing but what would be fit for a queen [or king!]. 

Whoa.Right?! Because it would've been easy for us to pick out some random, maybe even knock-off versions of what was listed on her little slip: clothes, princess items, baby dolls. We could easily have finished our "obligatory" shopping for this 2-year-old girl in a matter of minutes, but Sydni proved a reminder to us that this little girl deserved the best:

"Oh, MOMMY! I know what we should get her!! Let's get her................."

And just like that, she started spouting off lists of things she would enjoy. And I realized that, although we weren't planning on the cheapest way out for this little girl, I had not actively been approaching this as though I was buying for my own child. I would want the prettiest doll, most fun little game, fuzziest PJ's and functional clothes that would keep her warm. And so for the little girl being assisted by my family and me this year, that's what we did. ♥

#truth! 

3. Christmas Decorations & Of Course... Knitting

The last thing on our agenda today was some comfy family time at the house. Sydni and I perused some Pinterest ideas for fun Christmas decorations. I had to laugh, because of all the crafty, more "kid-friendly" ideas floating out there on the interweb, Sydni has adamantly chosen mock faberge painted eggs. In this case, Sharpie'd faberge eggs. But still. Thanks, kiddo.. haha. Leave it to her to pick one of the most delicate projects on the entire site ;)

thanks, pinterest! 

Although, I've gotta hand it to her - they are gorgeous!
Maybe next year. For now, it's back to these [knitting] needles; these scarves aren't gonna finish themselves! ;)

xo | cmd 

Yogi Tea

Whew. What a day. 

Here's something on which I'm planning to focus for the rest of the week.. 

amen. amen. amen.

Namaste ~ 

xo | cmd

Quick Thought.

Forbes Thought Of The Day:

“ The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. ” — Anonymous

Depending on where your priorities are, that statement could either enlighten you or meet you with some chagrin; if it's the latter, then perhaps those priorities should be .... examined. *Cough.

Today may be trying my patience some, but I know it's worth it.
Isn't that a beautiful truth??

xo | cmd

"People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine"

If there is one thing I've learned in the last year... well, really two years, is that sometimes the people on whom you rely, in whom you trust and by word alone you believe, are apt to let you down. I'm not faultless of this, and perhaps factoring my own mistakes with the disappointments of others has aided me in realizing that people in general, will never fully satisfy our needs.

Today was one of those days, I guess you could say, that served to teach me another valuable lesson in two-way communication, patience, loyalty, honesty and trust. I'm really in no position to give relationship advice, given the ways I fell apart over the past couple years, but what I will adamantly claim is that I am on the mend, and stronger for it.

I am four months into the long-distance part of an 11-month relationship with my best friend. Our friendship extends the length of our 'dating' time, but still. It's long-distance, erego we trade see you tonight most days for talk to you tomorrow's and have fun, I'll talk to you soon's. Sure, it's only about five hours between us, but that's more than some would bear.

||1|| I was reminded today that, in a world of approximately 7 billion people [& counting..], there will always be at least a couple who prove to be hurdles to whatever pursuit you're on. Some of them won't be there intentionally, some are there by proxy, some actively pursue ways to complicate things and some are meddlers in the business of other people. The me of just a mere 3 years ago probably would've handled today much differently [by that, I mean irrationally], but I found myself today wading through a very careful, calm process of listening, considering and exerting myself - candidly and as brutally honest as needed. I've developed an uncanny amount of patience over the past few years, and while not to confuse it with voluntary ignorance, it certainly does help me find level-headed approaches to this sort of thing. Specific to this, I obviously find the man I'm dating attractive, and since I'm soooort of not the only girl on the planet, of course there will be others who share my sentiment {and vice versa}. The trick is to separate the thoughts and sometimes ploys of others from questioning the loyalty of the guy by my side. Seeking the truth and being paranoid are two very different things I've discovered, and I have... zero time to indulge in the latter. It is, or it isn't, and how you handle the factual outcome is up to you. In this case, some people are just throwing rocks at things that shine, thank you very much Taylor Swift... :p.

||2|| As easy as it would have been to overreact... to snap and panic, I didn't. I had a revelation today that I am finally in a place where I am vulnerable, in a whole new way. This is the first time in my entire life, that I have ever wholly trusted anyone [in terms of a relationship partner].. more specifically, the first time anyone has ever validated my trust. I'm the person that gets harped at often for too-easily trusting people to do and be what they say they will do and be, only to be the sullen recipient of many - loving, though many - I told you so's. Over time, I built walls against people who were only there to help me, some of whom hadn't ever disappointed me but were just lumped together with any and everyone else. Inside that safe barracade it was just me and Sydni, and really there isn't much advanced confiding happening between an adult and a 3 or 4-year-old.

Rob is the reason the walls are dissolving. They're not gone, and honestly I think it's healthy to maintain boundaries around certain things, but he has made it past my defiance and shown me that I don't have to be anything but the rawest, imperfect me and still be loved in spite of it. In fact, I can be confident in everything that I am and am not, and he'll do the same. No more facades, fake smiles or biting my tongue when the words are fighting to get out. No more conditional love, based on what I do, who I know, how much money I make or what I own. Almost 30 and I'm getting my first taste of this.... late in the game, I KNOW, but let that serve to show ya it's never too late to be taught.

||3|| Another thing that I found sidelined in my mind today as we dealt with the words of a third party, is that Rob and I are BOTH... neither perfect now nor do we come from perfect little pasts. More than that, we HE doesn't pretend to have it together when he doesn't, and that is something I'm learning, too. It's insanely difficult for an independent hardhead like myself to admit when things are broken, and it's nearly impossible to ask for help when I should be able to find a solution on my own. At least it was impossible. I've had my first experience with a significant other of exposing the mistakes and experiences I had IN THE PAST and instead of chastising, score-keeping and comparison, I've been met with acceptance in spite of those things, understanding, and while it's not condonement, solid expectation of accountability to neither continue or repeat old or unsavory habits, but given with compassion, not pride.

||4|| I'm also learning to communicate. It feels rather primitive to say that, but in lament's terms, that's exactly what it is. There are people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, some on their foreheads, facebook pages, whatever .... and on the opposite end of that spectrum, there are people like me, who would rather absorb someone else's bad day and offer consolation, than ask them to bear the weight of my own problems. Again, I'm in my third decade of existence and just learning how to say, "I'm not okay." It's liberating. Today, I was left feeling quite proud of my new communication skills; without them I know we wouldn't have reached a resolve as quickly as we did.

||5|| When people much more seasoned at this than myself told me that ancient adage, relationships are HARD WORK, I guess I really only half believed them. I mean.... when you love someone and they love you back, what's the worst that could happen? So I had to stop and think: could it really have been that honestly, in none of my past relationships, I never felt the kind of passion for making it work, no matter what? Not that I ever felt any of them were expendable, no, but after my marriage crumbled, I realized that I had emotionally vacated those grounds looooong before we finally parted ways. I am not proud of that, but I'll also not let it cripple me moving forward. I learned from that that passion cannot be forced; it's something that is either there or it isn't, and when you act on passion, by default you put in work. And when you put in work, great things happen and you realize that you're even more passionate and determined than before. Huh. So that's what they meant.... I see that now. I also see that I've found.. that passion, and I'm here to work. Good or bad. 


fairweather we are not.
fight for what you love.



I don't know the future, but that's not my job to foresee everything. For the time being, I'm here by the grace of the God we love and He's never going to disappoint, ya know, just in case anything - or anyone - else does.

And so another moment of turbulence along the path was met today by honesty, faith, patience, compassion and loyalty. Let's not pretend we're ever too advanced or exempt from a little tribulation. I feel better already, and that's encouragement enough for me.

G'Nite.
xo | cmd