If there is one thing I've learned in the last year... well, really
two years, is that sometimes the people on whom you rely, in whom you trust and by word alone you believe, are apt to let you down. I'm not faultless of this, and perhaps factoring my own mistakes with the disappointments of others has aided me in realizing that people in general, will never fully satisfy our needs.
Today was one of
those days, I guess you could say, that served to teach me another valuable lesson in
two-way communication, patience, loyalty, honesty and trust. I'm really in no position to give relationship advice, given the ways I fell apart over the past couple years, but what I will adamantly claim is that I am on the mend, and stronger for it.
I am four months into the long-distance part of an 11-month relationship with my best friend. Our friendship extends the length of our 'dating' time, but still. It's long-distance, erego we trade
see you tonight most days for
talk to you tomorrow's and
have fun, I'll talk to you soon's. Sure, it's only about five hours between us, but that's more than some would bear.
||1|| I was reminded today that, in a world of approximately 7 billion people [& counting..], there will always be at least a couple who prove to be hurdles to whatever pursuit you're on. Some of them won't be there intentionally, some are there by proxy, some actively pursue ways to complicate things and some are meddlers in the business of other people. The me of just a mere 3 years ago probably would've handled today
much differently [by that, I mean
irrationally], but I found myself today wading through a very careful, calm process of listening, considering and exerting myself - candidly and as brutally honest as needed. I've developed an uncanny amount of patience over the past few years, and while not to confuse it with voluntary ignorance, it certainly does help me find level-headed approaches to this sort of thing. Specific to this, I obviously find the man I'm dating attractive, and since I'm soooort of not the only girl on the planet, of course there will be others who share my sentiment {and vice versa}. The trick is to separate the thoughts and sometimes ploys of others from questioning the loyalty of the guy by my side. Seeking the truth and being paranoid are two very different things I've discovered, and I have...
zero time to indulge in the latter. It is, or it isn't, and how you handle the factual outcome is up to you. In this case, some people
are just throwing rocks at things that shine, thank you very much Taylor Swift... :p.
||2|| As easy as it would have been to overreact... to snap and panic, I didn't. I had a revelation today that I am finally in a place where I am vulnerable, in a whole new way. This is the
first time in my entire life, that I have ever wholly
trusted anyone [in terms of a relationship partner].. more specifically, the first time anyone has ever validated my trust. I'm the person that gets harped at often for too-easily trusting people to do and be what they say they will do and be, only to be the sullen recipient of many - loving, though many -
I told you so's. Over time, I built walls against people who were only there to help me, some of whom hadn't
ever disappointed me but were just lumped together with any and everyone else. Inside that safe barracade it was just me and Sydni, and really there isn't much advanced confiding happening between an adult and a 3 or 4-year-old.
Rob is the reason the walls are dissolving. They're not gone, and honestly I think it's healthy to maintain boundaries around certain things, but he has made it past my defiance and shown me that I don't have to be anything but the rawest, imperfect me and still be loved in spite of it. In fact, I can be confident in everything that I am and am not, and he'll do the same. No more facades, fake smiles or biting my tongue when the words are fighting to get out. No more conditional love, based on what I do, who I know, how much money I make or what I own. Almost 30 and I'm getting my first taste of this.... late in the game, I KNOW, but let that serve to show ya it's never too late to be taught.
||3|| Another thing that I found sidelined in my mind today as we dealt with the words of a third party, is that Rob and I are BOTH... neither perfect now nor do we come from perfect little pasts. More than that,
we HE doesn't pretend to have it together when he doesn't, and that is something I'm learning, too. It's insanely difficult for an independent hardhead like myself to admit when things are broken, and it's nearly impossible to ask for help when I should be able to find a solution on my own. At least it
was impossible. I've had my first experience with a significant other of exposing the mistakes and experiences I had
IN THE PAST and instead of chastising, score-keeping and comparison, I've been met with acceptance in spite of those things, understanding, and while it's not condonement, solid expectation of accountability to neither continue or repeat old or unsavory habits, but given with compassion, not pride.
||4|| I'm also learning to communicate. It feels rather primitive to say that, but in lament's terms, that's exactly what it is. There are people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, some on their foreheads, facebook pages,
whatever .... and on the opposite end of that spectrum, there are people like me, who would rather absorb someone else's bad day and offer consolation, than ask them to bear the weight of my own problems. Again, I'm in my third decade of existence and
just learning how to say, "
I'm not okay." It's liberating. Today, I was left feeling
quite proud of my new communication skills; without them I know we wouldn't have reached a resolve as quickly as we did.
||5|| When people much more seasoned at this than myself told me that ancient adage,
relationships are HARD WORK, I guess I really only half believed them. I mean.... when you love someone and they love you back, what's the worst that could happen? So I had to stop and think: could it really have been that
honestly, in
none of my past relationships, I never felt the kind of passion for making it work, no matter what? Not that I ever felt any of them were
expendable, no, but after my marriage crumbled, I realized that I had emotionally vacated those grounds looooong before we finally parted ways. I am not proud of that, but I'll also not let it cripple me moving forward. I learned from that that passion cannot be forced; it's something that is either there or it isn't, and when you act on passion, by default you put in work. And when you put in work, great things happen and you realize that you're even more passionate and determined than before. Huh. So
that's what they meant....
I see that now. I also see that I've found.. that passion, and I'm here to work. Good or bad.
 |
fairweather we are not.
fight for what you love. |
I don't know the future, but that's not my job to foresee everything. For the time being, I'm here by the grace of the God we love and He's never going to disappoint, ya know, just in case anything - or anyone - else does.
And so another moment of turbulence along the path was met today by honesty, faith, patience, compassion and loyalty. Let's not pretend we're
ever too advanced or exempt from a little tribulation. I feel better already, and that's encouragement enough for me.
G'Nite.
xo |
cmd
