, …… hello, again.

Hello, Again. 

You know, this blog used to be one of my most well-maintained interests. It goes without saying that I've been dormant for a long stretch now, but even this - an outlet - needs to rest.

And here I am, after several failed attempts at telling myself it'd be easy enough to just start again - the daily updating and entries. Looking back over a couple of random entries throughout the past couple years, it's clear that on some days, I really didn't have anything to say.

And that should've been ok.
Don't expect daily updates, from here on out.

***************

So let's start again, as the adage goes: "It's never too late to start (again) (over) (new)." 

So, …… hello, again. 

My daughter turns 9 tomorrow. September 1st. I remember 01 Sep 09 like it was yesterday, right down to the color I'd painted my toenails that morning - a nervous task I'd set myself to because I was home alone and strangely sure that I wouldn't safely make it to the hospital on my own accord if I'd tried. My labor and delivery rang in at a whopping 18 total minutes, and a nurse after my delivery complimented my nails; they were a rustic shade of burgundy, by the way. The center of my world shifted that day, embodied in a living 90's glowworm doll - that tiny little burrito over whom I would proceed to cry for the next day, out of both raw joy and the onset of terror that the number of clues I had as to what I was doing equaled zero. And partly, I think, because I was sleepless, caffeine-less and had just expelled a human. Who knows. 

AAANYWAY, I took a picture of Sydni (aforementioned daughter) yesterday, decked out in new club soccer gear, and we shared a joke about photos in general. It's a bit I'd borrowed from the late Mitch Hedberg, a response to that thing people say: "show me a picture of you when you were younger!" The joke goes on to point out that every picture of us is a picture of us when we were younger. ("Show me a picture of you when you are older, and I might be impressed," is the tail end of that - Mitch). For a split second, Sydni had a tough time wrapping her mind around that, but eventually thought it was funny, and rattled off a short list of friends with whom she was immediately going to share it. I mean, it's middle elementary: one of the most competitive, over-saturated markets for unheard joke material. (Go get 'em, kid). 

That was yesterday. Now it's Friday night and I'm coming down off another full week of work, workouts, soccer, life group, birthday preparations. Tomorrow's the actual birthday party, but for tonight, I have the liberty of stretching out on my couch, alone in the stillness of my own home with an acoustic playlist and a laptop at the mercy of this babbling blog. It's 31 August 2018; we're 2/3 through the 3rd quarter of the year. My daughter turns 9 tomorrow, and I am…….. older even now, than I was when I wrote the paragraph preceding this. *sigh. 

Over the past eight months, approximately 839 separate voices convened for a bracket-like tournament in my soul. They were each vying for pole position there, in the driver's seat, wrestling to control my actions, my choices, my words, my priorities. These rival thoughts went head to head, and much like any elimination tourney, there were some easy winners and some underdogs. There were some calls too exhausting for even me to make, the re-matches, the tough losses and the occasional invitation for the cast-offs to return just to stir the pot. Okay, so it's more like a demented hybrid of a legitimate tournament and a reality show, when it comes the thoughts that root and rule me. Human heart versus human mind versus God-governed heart & mind, versus external influences, other people, conflicting advice and learning from experiences. 

One team of thoughts, aptly named APATHY, has a lot of very well-trained players, expertly conditioned to attack me when I'm at my weakest and exploit what they find. Seems contradictory to call them thoughts of apathy, given how aggressively and actively they engaged me, but that's what they created. That's where I lived - in a floating abyss of apathy. Apathy by definition is the absence of interest, enthusiasm and/or concern. 

My relationships were suffering. 

My work was suffering. 

My faith was being strained.
My physical body was exhausted and weak. 

My heart was running on a cobwebbed reserve of muscle memory.

I was re-becoming depressed. (Re-becoming? Sounds good, let's go with it)

And I was there because the things I'd come to compartmentalize and/or attribute to that 'well that's how it/he/she is' junk drawer, eventually poured over all showed up on my doorstep at the same time, demanding my undivided attention. And what's the human response to that? Shutting down. Avoiding the ugliest of the things, the ones that cut the deepest, because what - because we don't want to get hurt. 

The team captain for Team Apathy is Fear. 

Fear temporarily ruled my heart: a wolf hidden under the cloak of self-preservation. I saw that the relationship in my life's foreground: my marriage, was not just falling apart, but should not have happened in the first place. It's not to say he was/is not a good person (on the contrary), but adults are well-versed in the idea that a good person is not inherently the right person. And world, I feared the repercussions of walking away from that. I feared the judgment. I feared that the tug deep in my heart to get out, was somehow misguided. That I'd end up following a siren to my inevitable undoing. I feared the big picture. I feared the conflict this had against the grain of what I believe in, re: marriage. I feared that starting over would wreck me, render me unreachable, unlovable, unacceptable. I became afraid that I couldn't trust anyone again, and that would only aide in warding off anyone who was brave or blind enough to give it a shot. I feared myself: knowing that after trauma like that, I shut down and internalize. I lost sight of why we'd even arrived at that place. 

Team Apathy co-captain: Guilt

By May, I'd found enough gumption to sever that toxic relationship. The signatures on the lines came and went, and in their stead came two competitors: relief & guilt. They less fought than debated, one taking center stage for a while and the other stepping in to contradict. One deep weight had been lifted, dissolved. The cavern it left became prime real estate for guilt to settle in. Guilt that I'd let my family down. My friends. Guilt that I'd both allowed things I hadn't seen but should have into a life involving my daughter, and then the guilt of taking away the good parts that I'd worked so hard to filter just for her. The distraction of the steps involved in that severing had taken a toll on my work - so even my life in the office felt strained. I'd let fear unravel my confidence so evenly across all my endeavors, that I'd adopted the idea that I was just failing to pull my own weight, along with the guilt that was birthed by not doing it. I'd let myself down. In my self-deprecating mind, I'd let God down and there was nothing I could do to undo it. Guilt, guilt. guilt. 

The other players on Team Apathy: Doubt, Resentment, Envy, Lies. 

K, I know none of these things so far sound like apathy - on their own, they aren't, but when they compound and feed off each other, their goal of shutting me down is usually achieved, and everything becomes both overwhelming and bland all at once. Am I the only one?! (I've recently re-discovered, with unending gratitude that the answer is NO, I am not the only one). But seriously - anyone?! Something (or somethingS) happen, and instead of washing the proverbial dirty dishes in the sink, you let them begin to let them pile up, and pile up, and pile up.. and every single time you pass by them, you're reminded of your inadequacy and inability to tackle something that everyone of your (age) (position) (gender) (training) should be able to do in their sleep with a hand tied behind their back. You doubt you're ever going to see the bottom of that sink. You resent every dirty dish that's there, and the person who put it there, whether it was you or not. And you think of someone you know (or even past you!) who has/had no issues at all knocking out a mess just like this one. But there you are, a mountain of mess in different shapes and sizes before you, and that weight is so heavy that you buckle under it, and instead of rolling up your sleeves to stick your hands in dirty water, you turn a blind eye.. just one.more.time. You believe the lie that you can't. You become apathetic. I BECAME APATHETIC.

BUT HERE'S THE *GOOD* NEWS

And WHEW, is it GOOD.

Just as Apathy was a top seed in the battle for my loyalties, there is no competition without a rival. And where Apathy rallied its strongest players, with their deceptive agenda and loveless core, it's adversary had actually already been there waiting to be recognized… again. 

I'll let the sports bracket analogy go - we get the point. But seriously, you guys - GRACE. 

GRACE, by definition as it pertains to my context here (faith): The free and unmerited favor, love for us, through and by God. 

^^ I may have just lost a handful of you, who maybe didn't know before you got to this part that I'm a treacherously broken and self-damaged human whose only hope in this world is to rely on the saving Grace of the God who created the heavens, the earth…….. and little blip-on-the-map me (I'm a Christian). Understanding the depth of faith's true potential is something none of us may ever fully accomplish, but it's a conversation I'm happy to have with you outside of this blog, if you want. It's an entry for another day, but it's been an arduous journey with a feet-dragging, water breaks and black-outs, if I'm being honest. 

Anyway, back to my point here: GRACE. 

Do you ever go through something, and whatever (or whoever) that is, forces you to a place where you - maybe against your pride, even -  become reliant on something or someone else who in reality has been there all along? That's exactly how it is for me. How it's always been. I take the grace I've been given for granted, until my feet are in the fire (usually because my dumb self put them there?), and I reach back desperately and instinctively for an anchor. And it's always, always there. 

Where Apathy umbrella'd fear, guilt, doubt, resentment, envy… they pale next to the legions of Grace: 

Forgiveness

Confidence

Patience

Truth

Love

Hope

Anyone who's ever done something they regret, can tell you what that wave of guilt feels like. How it presses into your core and makes you wish you could wash it off, but you can't. Turn back time, take it back or do it differently. Instead, we fixate on something else - something untouched, unrelated.. safe. For me, I compartmentalize. The junk drawer becomes a junk box, becomes a closet, becomes a storage unit ever-increasing in square footage. All the hurt, guilt, shame - all of that goes into that storage, where it stays and occasionally leaks back out when something happens and I'm forced to stare one of those feelings in the face again to process it. I then either shoulder it or project it onto someone close to me. Or I just shut down all together, become a full-functioning exterior encasing the inner work-in-progress (which is sometimes a quick add-on, remodel, full demolition & rebuild, or something brand new). 

But to really embrace the grace (I'm sorry that's a cheesy rhyme), I have to download the pillars that hold it in place over and in me: 

Forgiveness, of others but seemingly harder sometimes - of myself. Recognizing what I've done and asking forgiveness either from the person(s) I wronged, and then of myself.. is no easy task. Not everyone says yes - and more often than not, it's not other people turning me down. 

Confidence, that the next try will yield at best a completely different turnout.. and at worst, an opportunity to learn and grow. Confidence in the process, and in myself and others to realize that disappointment is part of the natural process, but it doesn't have to be a home. 

Patience. This one's easy to spot, because I'm not at all wired as a patience person (ok, sometimes, but more often… not). It's hard to exercise because I'm conditioned to see results of efforts, usually loooong before God has intended me to see them. 

Truth. I just had a discussion this week through life group, regarding the difference between being Nice and being Loving. While there's an overlap, the clear difference is that to be loving, we have to be willing to speak truth to ourselves and to others, however difficult that might be, or how much the human nature in us wants it to be false. Being nice is catering to the agenda of appeasing everyone, whereas a gentle truth will always carry more weight than a half-hearted compliment. 

Love. Suuuuuch a loaded word, with all of its possible contexts, forms and versions. For me, I view love - real love, as the manifestation of my vertical relationship. When I'm in line with what I've been called to be in Christ, I am confident. I am patient. I feel love, not on a surface level, but in the way that we feel it from good parents - where we want to make them proud and when we do AND when we don't, they speak in truth but still love us exactly the same. For my life, that means loving my daughter unconditionally. Loving hard-to-love people exactly where they are, and keeping a leash on my own agenda. It means forgiving others and myself when I don't want to, and allowing the girl in mirror to breathe deep, and understand that she is not perfect, but she absolutely is worthy. 

Hope, because where are any of us without it? Where do I go, if I don't believe the hope that my daughter will grow into a young woman who values herself and other people? What do I do - what do any of us do, if we lose hope that the end hasn't come yet? We have ALL seen the damage done by people who lose hope. It's not a road I want any of us on, ever. 

***************

End of 2017: 

I'd lost focus, lost sight, misplaced hope. I'd forgotten about grace, and gave into apathy. I became this weird kind of limbo-ey shell and I knew I couldn't stay there. FORTUNATELY, and I cannot stress this enough: I half found (half was found by) a small, yet varied network of people who took the time to pour into me. To pursue me. Gently persistent because they loved me exactly where I was and knew that I needed help. Their words weren't always nice. They weren't unkind, but they weren't spoken out of a feel-good agenda. They were spoken to me by people who loved me enough to say the things I didn't want to hear, see, feel. Eight short months ago, the pot boiled over, and those people who intimidated me with their honest love that I felt I didn't deserve, were the people I needed the most. Not all of them agreed with the life changes I had to make to get back on solid ground, but not once did they stop loving or accepting me. 

To fill the gap: yes, I found solid ground. It's solid, blooming and surrounded by fresh air, water and people who invest into me for my own sake. I've regained my footing and dismissed Apathy and its team of sore losers. My relationships have recovered. I'm back on the field at work. Literally back on the field & in the gym for soccer. Connected with my daughter in a more intentional way than maybe ever, before now. I have room to grow, mountains to climb. But grace will win, every time, even when the outlook is bleak. 

And now that I'm almost two hours older than when I started this entry - if you're still with me here - I hope that if you've gleaned anything from this, it's that it is NOT too late for you to turn the page in your book, take a deep breath, and just… start, again. 

***************

Final thoughts…. 

I had a conversation a few years back with a friend about trying our best to raise kids in a broken world, and she made the comment, 

"I mean, at this point I'm not even worried what he wants to be when he grows up, as long as he's not the bully or the snob." 

Despite other areas where we don't always see eye-to-eye, I couldn't help but want to agree with her on this one. I mean, how true is that? How many parents can identify with that, at its core? Moreover, how many of us became - even if just momentarily - one or both of those, and would be proud to say it?

The bully or the snob? The one who attacks other for his/her own self-gain, or the one who can't be bothered with the perceived menial problems of anyone deemed below whatever threshold dictates worthiness? I know for a fact that I've been both, and that I'm not proud of it. I know that I'm working my hardest to instill a spirit of confidence and humility into my daughter - to equip her to be aware of the world but still compassionate.

So tomorrow, the center of my earthly focus turns 9. She is everything a mother could hope for at this stage: healthy, intelligent, social, energetic, with eyes that light up when she is happy and give away when she isn't but says she is. She wears her heart on her sleeve and isn't afraid to cry when it hurts. She comes back the next day ready to give it right back to the world. 

She is everything I hope to be, when I grow up. And when I do, I'll know that maybe I got it right after all. It's never too late. 

So hello, again. 

xo | cmd

For Philia.

[There is] Agápe. Éros. Storge. 

And [then there is] Philia. 

Philia: The love of, for & from friends, that supercedes your ugliest day. The expression of gratitude for those in your tribe, who in every season of life remain constant & present, real & honest, solid & still beautifully vulnerable. Through just even this recent chaos, take a time out to remind someone what they mean to you, and to accept the same in return.

♥.

Thanks for this, Mare; I'll save it for a cloudy day - and it will come, that's life! - when I need it the most. You're stellar, friend - love yewww! 

P.S. - Seriously, go & tell someone who isn't expecting it, just what they mean to you. It might not be your last chance.... but what if it is? Just sayin'. We could all use a bit more love these days. 

xo | cmd 

Once Upon a Hiatus [31]

Oy.

So as I sit here in front of my blog for the first time in nearly 3 months, I have mixed emotions. I've been completely resigned from my previously diligent daily scribbling here, a point I didn't intentionally make, but it happened. It'll be to my own chagrin when I try and look back at my activity on a specific day, but hey, whatever.. :)

I turned 31 on Sunday. That carves the first full year of my 30's in stone, and had I in my teen years set any idea of what I believed my 30's would be, I'm not sure this would've been it. A lot has happened since the last time I sat down at a computer outside of my day job. I've not penned a memo here since August; that means nothing to what small, general audience bothers to come here, but I realized that this blog has become my crutch for determining exactly what I did or where I was on any given date within the past 3-4 years. This is, after all, a journal of sorts.

So as I reach back into the past 3 months in an effort to chronicle the memorable moments, what I managed to find looks a bit like this:

[[august2015]]

* We celebrated birthdays of family and friends: My father - the staple of our family. Shayne - a friend we met serendipitously along with his wife in Jamaica. My cousin Maricor - one of my first and truest best friends.
* Just in time for a new school year, Sydni lost her first tooth and we had the first visit from the tooth fairy! She's a lucky kid; the tooth fairy's in an economic hotspot; that $2 reward is a far cry from the fare we as 90's kids saw ;).
* Sydni started first grade. It was a momentous day for her, and an emotional one for us. We're entrenched in another year of intellectual and social development, wishing all the while that time would slow down and we could relish the drooly, babbly wobbly-legged darling that has somehow began blossoming into a spunky, unique, charismatic and compassionate child who has a budding social circle and homework.
* We visited our families in their separate cities, each a handful of times. Our parents, family and friends laughed and fellowshipped around dinner tables and living rooms, parks and bandstands. We visited new landmarks, listened to live music and put miles upon miles on our cars to make sure we enjoyed it with those family members and friends.

[[september2015]]

* Day 1: Sydni turned 6. It was a hilariously bittersweet task executing a DIY monogrammed shirt for her to wear to school in celebration. We listened to her recount the experiences of her birthday from school, her dad's house, her friends. We played games, shared a special night out and tore through wrapping paper  to discover wishlist birthday items. I'm amazed by her compassion and selflessness as she shares her hope to give her old toys to kids who don't have any, so she can enjoy her new inventory - but in moderation.
* Buffalo Wabs & the Price Hill Hustle, a Cincinnati-based folk band, played a free concert in my hometown. My parents, my sister, my fiancé, daughter and I danced and laughed a night away.
* My company attended the annual corporate gathering: Sales Summit. My office's FOC and Owner had their first Sales Summit experience. I saw, fellowshipped with and learned alongside familiar faces from past offices, and celebrated change with the faces of leadership I've followed that have led me to where I am now, nearly 7 years into this job.
* There were date nights with Rob, outings with friends, movies seen and outings completed.
* We joined a new life group with some folks from our church, and immediately started feeling the benefit of community with a refreshing group of people!
* Fall officially began, and ushers in the expected though unseen hints of crisper weather, fire-infused leaves, and everything pumpkin-spiced (okay, maybe that part was seen, though wished to stay unseen, haha...)

[[october2015]]

* A new staffing consultant finally joined our team, after months of delegating the duties of the desk in a circle that started and began on the same desk - mine. Krista was an answer to prayer, and proved to be the influence and presence that was so desperately needed.
* My beloved Subie wound up in the care of Rob's team of autofacelift experts. Goodbye, blemishless insurance, but hellloooo wrx facelift! ;)
* My family attended the Ohio Renaissance Festival, in full medieval attire, to fulfill our commitment of making this outing an annual tradition.
* Marianne and Damanji rendezvoused in Cincinnati separately, in a chance of good timing. Having two of my dearest out-of-town friends gather with me here, joining forces with Rob and Becky in a weekend Cincinnati take-over was just a short couple of days, but a refueling that was much needed. Mariane and I took a day's worth of timeout to venture off the grid into a trail matrix, and managed to find coffee and music on the other end.
* I let Olivier at Beelistic scribe ink into my back along lines that comprise a mountainscape scene on my back: my 3rd tattoo.
* Halloween arrives in the form of office-appropriate costumes, followed by a weekend in Mt. Vernon: trick-or-treating with Sydni, chopping & stacking wood and enjoying the sights of mentors imparting the gift of rhythm, carpentry, literacy and fine motor skills to my daughter.

[[november2015]]

* It's decided against our highest hopes that the office staff will be again reduced to a roster of 3. Growing pains that have festered unaddressed for weeks finally reach a boiling point, and in an emotional culmination of honesty and determination to accomplish the same common goal, a new course of action: attitude, drive and desire for compromise was birthed and thrown in motion.
* I obliged an invitation to serve another year as a volunteer judge for the Distinguished Young Woman scholarship. I'm continuously amazed by the talent and vision of these girls - high school seniors, and am renewed through every experience that with the right influences and involvement, my own daughter will have a chance to excel as a person, an athlete, a musician, an artist, a scholar, a humanitarian, or whatever other or combined realization of her own potential she sees fit to follow.
* Kaitlyn joined the office staff as the newest staffing consultant, and a hopeful final addition (for now).
* Thanksgiving weekend provided a very much needed departure from the daily work grind, and allowed us an extended opportunity to visit our St. Louis area family and friends.
* More birthdays are celebrated: Nikki, Clark - hometown, highschool friends - one of them 19 days older, and the other 9 days my elder. My cousin Caridel and our friend Matt, both of whom had Thanksgiving Day birthdays this year. My beautiful friend Brittany, with whom I'll stand during her wedding next year, and her in mine.
* I share in the birthday streak, and turn the page of 30 to land on 31. I am now wholly immersed in my 30's, and blessed to have ushered it in in the company of some incredible friends and family.

I realized also in the past 48 hours that not only have I launched into the meat of my 30's, I will have celebrated that, along with this year's Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years as my last.... as a Drenning! I can't help but look forward to this time next year, when another band is added to my ring finger and my last name migrates to the other end of the alphabet, that I will then be married to the man who has managed to bring me so far from the place I was before I rediscovered the confidence to take advantage of my blessings rather than allow the shortcomings to take me. I owe him more than he'll ever know, and the thought of becoming his wife is the one thing that excites me as the rest of time whizzes right by us without much other thought.

I am here, though. Future me is going to reflect on this entry and remember the times of change, adjustment, busy schedules, road trips and landmark events, but probably not the fact that I skipped out on blogging them every single day.

It is now DECEMBER [holy crap!]
Even just sitting here now typing this up has renewed my spirit of journaling, blogging, chronicling, whatever it is I call this caboodle of thought that winds up on my blog. I don't do this for you, my dear audience [although I love you, don't get me wrong!]; it's tough to keep the pen sharp and step outside of my limited daily vocabulary if I don't actively do it.

[[december2015]]

* So, dear December, I'm imploring you to be the satisfying zenith to 2015, and usher in this next year with a smile, if you don't mind :).

This time next year, I'll be a married gal. Sydni will be 7. Who knows what the year will hold, but I am hopeful that through the mountains and valleys (& everything in between!) that I'm sure this next year will hold, I'm already praying for grace and gratitude to absorb whatever comes down the line.

Happy December, blogbots! It feels great to be back. Maybe I'll take to sharing some imagery from the past couple months once I sort through the hoards of pictures I've got, too.

31, & feelin' great!

Until then - be well, find happiness and encourage someone else to do the same!

♥♥♥!
xo | cmd 

Repetition

I'm pretty sure I've shared and said this one before, but the fact of it all is that there can never be too many repetitions of a tried and true directive. 

There have been several changes within the last couple of months, one in particular that has a huge impact on our daily lives: work! 

We've got one seasoned team member leaving for grad school in just a couple of weeks. We have a charismatic, fresh new employee replacing her. We have a new, burst-of-energy franchise owner who has assumed the business and is making gigantic strides in a new and improved direction. We have the departed franchisee who is still a much beloved figure and pops in occasionally, to nobody's dismay. We've also got a fanatically self-absorbed ex-employee who baffles everyone with a clear lack of discernment, etiquette, self-control and integrity [if I never hear the word intuitive again, it will be all too soon], still clinging to random areas without closure. Then we've got me, the perfectly imperfect employee who is tenured but just as scattered with all the adjustment as the rest of us. The three of us who will carry us forward are driven to see it work, and wiser for the experiences so far. 

It is so easy to fall into the trap of bitterness, exhaustion and frustration when the gears fall out of synchronicity, even if it just temporary. We're not missing pieces by any means, just still working on fitting the existing ones all together and getting them all properly worn in. It's a learning process, as is everything we do if we look at it in a chosen light.

I speak from my heart specifically today to the departed ex-employee, and the drama that individual has chosen to create for a reason that's still beyond all of us. There is no reason for it, and the water should've been under the bridge weeks ago. It's one of those things in life that's just not going to make sense, regardless of how we turn our heads to see it, and that ex-employee is one of those people who similarly will never be able to recognize the lies that they've told for so long that they've now accepted them as truths. There's only so much you can do, but the most important thing is to walk away from it, and not let the crazy get the best of the rest.

I am tired, yes. BUT, I'm not tired of the benefit received from efforts to do things the right way - with honesty, integrity, benefit to others and growth as a team together. I'm beyond excited for this new journey.

So repetition it is: NEVER tire of doing what is right. 

xo | cmd

Simple Sunday

Today was a great day. It was simple, and it was great. 

I need a reminder every so often to just be still.. and live. simply.

Tomorrow we're back to the grind.
Let's do it :) Namaste.

xo | cmd

[Go &] Live

I saw this today, and while there are some menial details about my day that I could share [work, volleyball, eating food...] ... but I thought just maybe someone else out there might need this just as much as I have this week:

Just in case you didn't see that the first time, then here is one more time:

I needed that today.
Did you?

xo | cmd

"You Can Have Both, Mommy."

Kids, man. They are the absolute best source of practical wisdom, and Sydni is no exception.

Tonight I was reminded by two very simple moments that this is a beautiful, albeit chaotic little life we live. We have so many liberties that we take for granted, and she managed to remind me in ways she won't recognize until years from now, that I have it made.

First, this:

nutella + graham crackers... minion graham crackers

Kids have the most reactive metabolisms, especially if they're regularly healthy like Sydni. She plowed through a quarter of a box of minion graham crackers and spoonfuls of Nutella to go along, more than a "snack" portion, but without ruining her dinner. The kid usually makes healthy choices on her own, but we happened to be out of grapes and apples today, so I took the blame and gave in to her cravings for this... just once, yenno? ;) 

Anyway, the mini feeding frenzy passed without much further attention, and an hour later I heard the familiar whirring of the elliptical in the basement, so I went down to check on her. I kid you not, Sydni went hard on this thing for at least 30 minutes straight, until I told her to take a little break. I asked her, jokingly, if she was training to get big and strong and fast so she could outrun Mommy, to which she whimsically replied, "Nope. I'm essercising because I just ate a whole bunch of crackers and nutella."

Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions about how my daughter perhaps believes that you must push yourself to physical limits every single time you eat [or any other unhealthy psychological deliverance], she doesn't. She has never [amen, amen, AMEN] cared what she ate, knows that the Disney girls look "weird" with their unrealistically-proportioned bodies, and doesn't usually tell me she's using the elliptical for the same reasons an adult uses the elliptical. Haha. No. She's 5, and it was perfectly in line with her goofy little personality for her to say that. What she has learned in our house is that exercise is good, and that if you do it, you will stay healthy and be able to do all the things you want to do: swimming, running around, playing tag, etc. That was long-winded, but I just don't want anyone out there to mistake this as a reflection that we hang around teaching her that she'll get fat if she doesn't work out. We're all about healthy and happy in this house, not just one or the other ♥ 

Thank you, though, mini-me, for reminding me that there's balance to this. It might not make sense to you yet, and I absolutely read into these two simple things tonight, but it struck me as a subtle little note to be aware of balancing out - whatever it is, be sure to get all that I need, not just one side of something. You're such a great little teacher, mini! 

"You can have both, Mommy."
Yep, we can. We can have work and play. Fun and responsibility. Plans and free time. 

Duh! 

xo | cmd

Happens To All Of Us

I stumbled across a comic artist's website today, and was given a good clean helping of the laughter I didn't even know I needed. There's always some truth to funny things, and I couldn't help but share:

think about it. 

^ How TRUE that is. How often do I convince myself that, for the sake of general awareness, it's necessary that I watch the news. That's the brain talking. Then the heart steps in after a while and ends that action, just because it is often just too much to absorb at one time. My heart wants to be in about 12 different countries at the same time, weeding out the toxic, violent entities that are making those places impossible to inhabit. My heart wants to create refuge for children. It wants to exact retribution on those who hurt children. It aches when leadership fails. When fatal accidents destroy families. When natural disasters decimate homes and businesses. When animals are forgotten, abused and killed. I'm not afraid to say that my heart hurts when I watch the news. So as funny as that is, it's the absolute truth.

[Thanks, AwkwardYeti!] On a lighter note, there are some gems from that artist that really are just cute.

hahah (: 

^ That's for you, Ali. :p

Here in my little world, today proved a great day for deliveries - I'd ordered my shampoo & conditioner on Amazon [I refused to pay full price for this, especially knowing there was a cheaper option], and completed that order with a little something for the mini. Yay, free shipping over $35! Haha. Anyway, it's here, and we're both pretty happy (:

Exciting stuff, folks. :|
Hah. Have an awesome weeks, bloggers!

xo | cmd

Timehop.

Well I don't know if this is motivating, depressing, or somewhere in between: 

7 years ago today.. my first "big girl" job! 

^ Yeah. So this is just a quick reminder of 4 things:

1. This was post-college: my first real job in the corporate sector. I took the job in radio not quite knowing what to expect, and frankly, it was the worst job I've ever had. THERE, I said it. I was inexperienced, poorly-trained and above all, in way over my head in a nightmare work environment that would ultimately drive me and several others.. out.
2. This was post-college,which also serves to point out that I said actually in college between 11 & 7 years ago. That puts my HS class now 11 years out from our '03 graduation.
3. I, at the point when this picture was taken, actually believed that this was likely the epitome of the working class, and that, based on the..... fun?... we were having at that job, that I was screwed. I probably considered joining the Peace Corps & leaving the country on several occasions, if I remember correctly.
4. My professional life was far from over. I grew out of that job [thankful for that, can't say it enough], and eventually into the career I'm building now, doing something I love and helping people, rather than shoving cookie-cutter services down the throats of people who can't afford them. Call it a win. 

I also couldn't help but notice how young I look! Granted, I do have that whole forever-young Asian thing going for me, but I guess even I don't recognize the progression of time until I look back at shots like this, which may as well be baby pictures.

A couple years later, I posted this:

feeling determined! 

This was two months, two days after Sydni was born; I couldn't tell you if I posted this in a moment of actual clarity, or out of exasperated new-mommy desperation, but either way, it's a cold-hard truth and worth re-sharing for today. It's Monday, too, so it certainly applies to the tenacity we all have to muster at the beginning of each week.

I'm still feeling a rush from yesterday's session, where the doors opened for an opportunity to undertake a missions project. I'm still praying through that, piece by piece, as openly as I can. Today was a good day, to boot, and my family just ate the dinner I didn't burn ;), without complaint.

That's another win for the books. Now it's bathtime & bedtime stories. Goodnight!

xo | cmd

Pocketfuel : My Instagram Inspiration

I'm a proud, prolific Instagrammer, and one of the many things I love about it are they endless ways in which I can find inspiration.

First, there's all the yogis: Laura Sykora, Rachel Brathen, Gabriella Dondero. The list goes on and on.

Then, there's all the nutritional boosters: healthy foodie pages, exercise guru's, fitness apparel lines offering up encouragement.

The list goes on and on and on. A lot of what I follow includes animals, health nuts and things that remind me of my country-strong roots.

My spiritual development is of course something that takes place outside of the interweb, but it definitely doesn't hurt to find niblets of encouragement in the posts of some Instasources.

Hello, Pocketfuel.
[Go, go now and follow them!]

I won't go into a lot of detail, but I will suffice to say that these are some of my favorite posts from Pocketfuel; there are so many more worth sharing, but it'd be easiest for you to go and find them on your own.

[[[[Mare, you'll recognize some of these! ;) ]]]]

I don't know if any of those will appeal to you in any specific way today, but I know there are plenty of days when I need to see something simple like that; even the smallest reminder that I am sent out for a purpose, from one who delegates me with a task, yet never with a burden I cannot carry. 

It's the small things. Who knew I'd ever be so grateful for an Instagram account? ;) 

BLESSINGS we have in this life... and BLESSINGS we should share.

xo | cmd 

Hello, 2014!

First orders of business for 2014? Lunch with JAY!
I ran down to pick Sydni up from Dawne's, and then it was off to Applebees to catch up with Jay. We had much to catch up on, and I'm so glad we got to sit down over lunch to spill the updates.

not a bad start to 2014!

Of course, with it being the new year, there's a million "resolutions" I could be making... I think it was last year though that I decided to start refining the definition of resolution, or at least steer away from those annoyingly cliché ones like "go to the gymmmmmm," etc.

This year, I decided I would do some reflecting on where I stood this time last year versus where I am today. I thought that'd be more at least a more realistic metric on which I can base some goals for '14.

So, here we go:

2013

Age: 28
Kid(s): Sydni
Pet(s): Stella
Better Half: Rob... "official" Jan 1!! (:
Where I lived: Belleville, IL
Where I worked: Glen Carbon, IL
What I drove: Nissan Altima
Book I was reading: Hunger Games, Catching Fire
Favorite Song: Rye Whiskey, by the Punch Brothers

What I did NYE 2012/2013: Dinner at Red Lobster with Rob, Tawny & Ryan, Taryn & Kenny, Mike & Kelly and Gary, followed by a relaxing night at Ryan & Tawny's to ring in the new year!

{My} Top 3 Monumental Milestones of 2012:
1. Relationships: The controversial decision to step back from the one and at the time biggest relationship in my life and liberate myself from its crippling effects on both people involved. In 2013, I committed myself to a new, healthy relationship with the man who is now moving to Ohio for me.. for us.
2. Transitions at work, including everything from internal restructuring, a promotion & raise, physical building expansion and redefinition of our goals as a team.
3. My self-collapse. I'm not proud of it, but it happened in 2012 and I spent most of 2013 rebuilding and healing from the implosion that finally overcame me as a result of the things I postponed, the denial I had and the debilitating pride that kept me from asking for the help I needed, when I needed it.

Pop Culture Things I loved about 2012: The Hunger Games theater release, Instagram, Felix Baumgartner's Space Jump, The Fierce Five USA Women's Olympic Gymnastics team, "The Walking Dead,"
Pop Culture Things I'd rather FORGET about 2012: Honey Boo Boo, "YOLO", Gangnam Style and of course that whole Mayan apocolypse that was scheduled for 12/31/12.

{My} Best Accomplishment of 2012: Liberation. It came at a steep cost, a lot of social backlash and an overwhelming amount of stress throughout, but it was entirely. worth. the fight.
Worst Regret of 2012: There were a few select individuals that, during my personal struggles in 2012, I neglected, pushed away and essentially cut out of my life in what I believed at the time to be in their best interest. We are still in the repair process now...
Strongest Resolve for 2013: M E N D. At the end of 2012, I was hanging on by a very thin string to the me that I knew was still in there somewhere. I laid out an action plan that was more general than it was a detailed step-by-step: get back to happy. And I did. BAM.  
Biggest Anticipations of 2013: I had no idea how I'd let my life get so out of control, but I made a resolve to upright my sailboat and get back on the right course. I then had no idea how I would accomplish that, but I decided I would take it day by day, prayer by prayer in faith, and I would somehow make it. I was relocating back to Ohio, switching jobs, and residing within 20 minutes of the one person I wanted to avoid the most at that point. One thing at a time.....

2014

Age: 29
Kid(s): Sydni
Pet(s): Stella & Sasha
Better Half: Rob♥
Where I live: Cincinnati, OH
Where I work: Norwood, OH
What I drive: Subaru Impreza
Book I was reading: Allegiant
Favorite Song: Let Them See You, by the JJ Weeks Band

What I did NYE 2013/2014: Dinner at River's Edge with Rob, Mike & Kelly, Jesse & Anna, then off to STL to the Lumiere to celebrate the final minutes of 2013.

{My} Top 3 Monumental Milestones of 2013:
1. I moved back to Ohio. It wasn't easy, but it served not only to strengthen me in areas I never imagined I could brave, and reminded me that the people in my life are nothing short of extraordinary.
2. Work: I transferred Express offices as part of relocating back to Ohio. With a gap of only the two weekend days, I moved from Edwardsville to Norwood almost seamlessly.
3. My daughter turned 4; now that both her parents are within 20 minutes each other, I know there is now the stability she deserves and the balance of time she deserves is hers. I grew closer once again with my parents and sister, and started healing some of the other relationships that had been damaged in 2012.

Pop Culture Things I loved about 2013: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire theater release,
Pop Culture Things I'd rather FORGET about 2013: Twerking [& Miley Cyrus in general], The Harlem Shake

{My} Best Accomplishment of 2013: Transitioning back to Ohio and all the surviving all that came with it.
Worst Regret of 2013: Not having the facetime I wish I could've consistently throughout the year to see my friends back in Illinois, and to be there to help mend some of the relationships I'd damaged during my self-collapse of 2012.
Strongest Resolve for 2014: Realize my true potential as a mother, a coworker, a Christian and a contributor to the various walks of my life, knowing now that I am strong, confident and always... always learning.
Biggest Anticipations of 2014: Moving [again], this time with the best thing Illinois had to offer - I can't begin to explain how excited I am for my little blended family to be together and start building some stability again! ♥♥♥

*****************************************

^^ That's a small scratch of the surface to the list of ways I've "evolved" in just a year's time. I sometimes like to see that stuff in writing, side by side, because it makes me realize that while it all seemed to blur together for a period of time, it's actually a collection of pretty drastic changes that have catalyzed me from the inside out over the past 12 months. I have regrets, of course, but I'm pleased and proud that they do not outweigh the blessings.

Since I'm not setting fire to the 2014 me with a list of tasks to complete by the time the calendar changes again, I'm content to dedicate this year to improving the quality of the elements I already have. By proxy, I'm hoping that will introduce some new things, people, places and experiences into the mix, but I think I've got it made pretty good right now, and if I can add layers of beauty to what is already present, I'd call that a successful year.

Here's to you, yours and your 2014.
Happy New Year!!

xo | cmd

NEWS, Part 2: New DIGS (:

Today started like this:

breathe it in!

^ I love ... winter at my parents' house.
I also love getting to see my little [well, not so little, I suppose] Maine Coon fuzzball Kobi (:

kobi cat!

There is a season for everything, as it's said:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time forpeace.
-Ecc 3:1-8

This has definitely been a year of many, many different seasons. The underlying themes have been a balance of challenges to overcome, accompanied by the grief and admittedly the stress that comes with it, and countered by the pure joy in realizing God's timing is never a millisecond too soon or too late in His answers - which, by the way are likewise never in anything but my best interest.

Rewind this year to May, when I completed the first phase of my transition back into Cincinnati. Becky became a saving grace to me, as I found myself living with her for nearly a month in between finding a place of my own. I lived off a small collection of my things and had a split life between her apartment and a storage unit. When I found the house I have now, I counted it a profoundly-timed answer to months of prayer. Sydni and I found a soft place to land, finally, in June of this year.

settling in

I cried the first night Sydni and I both slept in our little house; the first half of the year had been a roller coaster of anxiety, nerves, prayer, supportive friends & job transitioning as well, and somehow I managed to get us back to Ohio and back into a track of stability. We had a "new" place of our own, a new job and new starts on many other levels.

We have thoroughly enjoyed living in this little community, specifically our little dead end street neighborhood; it's teaming with small families and relatives who knit together to ensure it stays safe and that each other are provided for. I've been welcomed by many of them and while we've not necessarily grown close, it's absolutely been a massive encouragement, nonetheless. My closest friends are within a short drive of us, and Rob has had no problems finding us to visit.

And we started planning. Rob had intentions of moving here in July of next year, but an unexpected riff in his job security brought his employment to a premature halt, which accelerated the need for revised plans. My little house quickly became perfectly adequate to something of a primary element of consideration in weighing out our next steps.

With time not necessarily on our side, I was faced with the need for a new car & apparently a new house as well, within a very limited span of what I deemed ample time. I have never idolized or hungered for excess money, but time has always been something I value in the highest regard. You can't take it away once you've given it, and those you earnestly give it to usually don't thwart or dismiss it. In this case, we were faced with needs outweighing our financial limitations... or so it seemed. Time was ticking away loudly in my head, day and night. I set a deadline of December 31 to finalize vehicle plans. Those materialized from start to finish in about four days after nearly five months of searching; that was yesterday's celebrated blessing.

TODAY, I received the paperwork signifying a three-way commitment between a new landlord, Rob & myself that will begin in February. 

we... can't wait (:

February 1 will be the official date that we convene again as a unit. We have accepted and managed the task of a long-distance relationship since April, which has proven to me that I have never felt so dedicated and synced with a significant other, ever. I for the first time have felt appreciated for what and who I am and what I can give, not the measure of my professional success, size of my bank account or notariety of my friends' names. I am recognized as a competent individual playing a partnership role, not an employee or muted voice in joint decisions. I am held accountable by realistic standards, and trusted with transparency. I've never had that before... and now, finally, I will have him, the man who has catalzyed my distanced mind and heart, at my side to support, encourage and love me the way I will him. Like I said, time is the most important thing we can give in this world; it's also the most important thing we'll ever receive. We, along with our dogs & of course my incredible Sydni, will finally settle for the first leg of our time here in Ohio, alllll together.

*Squeal!!

More updates on the new digs as I have them.
I'm blessed, beyond measure & beyond what I deserve.
Amen!

xo | cmd

A NoOb, All Over Again

Meh.

It's been something of a process getting back into a full groove here in Cincinnati, but I've found the beauty in not rushing anything. It's actually been really nice, working things out at my leisure, without anything or anyone pushing me in directions out of my best interest.

Today I obliged the request of some staff members from SonRise, and joined a group of others not unlike me in being new to SRCC, at a luncheon after the late morning service.

get planted.

I'm glad I did (:

Some things that this made me realize today:

It's been a long time since I've been a noob at a church! Haha. I don't mind really, because we all have to start somewhere, but it's refreshing in a way. It's also another step in the direction of finding my own pathway back on the home turf.

I discovered areas of outreach and ministry into which I have an interest in growing. I spoke with some folks on the praise & worship team, and got some contact information for a few other areas of interest.

Today seemed average on all accounts, but in retrospect, it's a milestone for me. The bigger picture is that I'm finding my way, after several rocky months, and for that I am left feeling blessed, encouraged, grateful and above all... happy.

I think... we're almost there, folks... I'm taking my time on this one, and so far it's paid off in ways I wouldn't have imagined.

xo | cmd

✎ Transformation Tuesday : A Less Conventional Version

So lately I've caught on to the rest of my much-more-hip-than-me fellow social-networkers. The now-popular Woman Crush Wednesday, or Throwback Thursday are all over my newsfeeds every week on their respective days. I love seeing them, too; it's great seeing my friends and family as babies, awkward tweens, ragged college students and now adults, all thrown into one montage of photo evidence.

[This is about to be a ranty entry, filled with rambles and fuzz and all that stuff I get into when I get compelled to say something.... so sorry, in advance!]

So it is Tuesday, which appropriately warrants a post about it being TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY!!! [wa-hooooo!! .... yeahhh, I dunno...]

Anyway, so here it is! The big TT photo!

2011 vs. 2013

......... wait, what?
Yeah, I know. It's not a picture of me in a braces or my really swell Richard Simmons hair that I had when I was in 7th grade, or even me in college when I had blonde hair.. sorrryyyyy. These two pictures look way more alike than most that show stages of progression... other than my bangs, there's really not much different on the surface here at all.

... On the surface.

I've been really big on introspection over the past six months +. I feel like an old photograph facing restoration: still the same core components, just dulled and lackluster from time, exposure to elements and lack of proper maintenance. That is actually exactly how I am.

2011

Meet the Me, from 2010:

I had two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.
I had a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I looked healthy, smiled a lot, dotted my i's and crossed my t's.
... Oh, and I was slowly melting on the inside.

Yeah. Seems ungrateful, I know. I was married, too, which I won't fail to mention. I was living my life the best way I knew how under circumstances that had, at my silent permission, gotten far out of my control over just a couple short years. Was I a victim? No. I did it to myself. I had become a people-pleaser, perfectly against the grain of what I would've told any of the young girls under my mentorship in college. "Don't conform to the mold set for you by someone else, if it's not healthy for you. EVER." --- Well.... eat your words, Cori. In the short span of four years, I'd marked residence in four different states, more than six addresses, and for the better part of that time, left to my own devices caring for a brand new human being. Fact: I let that happen. I realized too late that what I'd lost, so far more important than a zip code or a box of belongings, was me. I stopped singing, at least like I meant it at least, I gave up soccer, put away my craft boxes, overcommitted myself to things and people that and who deserved much more from me than a superficial ceding, and found myself following the generic ebb and flow of day-to-day life as it asked me to. I spent a lot of time blaming someone else for things that were partially my fault, for the lack of feeling and emotional drout that had taken over me, because of what I felt I'd given, with nothing in return. 

I kept smiling. I pretended I was okay. I lied to myself and to everyone around me. No, I wasn't nearly on that "edge" that would create panic or worry about my literal life, but I was certainly a shell, happy-ish and complacent, energetic and busy, fueled sincerely at that point by my daughter and making sure that her life reflected the love I had for her, not the creeping sadness I had over many other things. I woke up day after day thinking that eventually I'd have the courage, the gut, the energy and the battle plan solidified to claw my way out of this ugly, plain place that I was.

 

And then I remembered:  

amen. aaaaa-men.

And so I did.

It was a long journey from that day I decided that I wouldn't wallow in self-pity, bitterness and all that other muck anymore. I looked around and realized I'd shut more doors than I'd opened, and it had to stop. I burnt things and people I never imagined I would, especially not unintentionally. I had to do something.

So I prayed.
And I prayed some more.
I cried. A lot. Prayed some more.

 

And then... I started healing. Not on my own, no.. certainly not to any credit of my own. My family, specifically my parents and sister, had become distant relatives rather than undoubted confidantes. I found myself staring each of them in the eyes and realizing the healing had in fact taken hold of things, and that it would be okay. I started being honest, almost brutally so in some capacities, about the things that make me tick or tick me off, and instead of compliance to everything asked of me, I re-learned how to say no.  

 

&& guess what?

 

#truth.

 

& nooooow...

2013!

Meet the Me, from 2013: 

 

I have two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.

I have a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I am healthy, I do smile a lot, & I say to heck with dotting or crossing letters. 
... I'm happy. I'm not perfect, but I. Am. HAPPY.

I'm no longer married, no. While it was at my bidding, I'm still not proud of how it ended or the fact that a marriage I had at all did not work; never was that an intention.. but that's part of my story now and I'm stronger and wiser because of it. I have a boyfriend now, someone who reflects the kind of compassion and love I want to give to someone. He accepts me both at face value and at the core, for who and what I am, but more and most importantly what I'm not. It's a refreshing change of pace I needed. My family is a communicating unit again. I made a few necklaces recently, was propositioned this evening actually for a photography opportunity I will not pass up if it materializes, and when I smile, I mean it. I'm hand-in-hand with the God who brought me through those dark days, who cleared away the film and cobwebs and brought me back to the me that, in a non-conceited way, I loved. I'm a firm believer that in order to love anyone else to the fullest capacity, you have to love yourself, even a little, where it counts if nowhere else, in order to do that. My relationships with friends I previously alienated are in their various stages of repair, Sydni now has two parents who see her more frequently as separate units than they both did under the same roof, and I'm launching into a new professional opportunity that is teaching me something new every day. Plus, I'm back in volleyball, soccer and if you really must know, belting every word to every song I know [& don't know] in the car, the shower and whenever else I feel like it.... which nowadays, is pretty much everywhere.

Let's review, because every good metamorphosis is derived from learning something..

✎I've learned that the God I serve has never and will never be farther than I can reach, even if that reach is barely inches from my side. Never will I ever be alone in this world, and never will my struggle be more than He can manage. I've learned that when I am embarrassed to look even myself in the eye in a mirror for the things I've let happen, He is still there, unchanged.

✎I've learned to well, LEARN! from my mistakes. I've learned to accept responsibility, no matter how grueling it may feel, and to grow from them. I've learned to utilize my shortcomings as fuel for re-forming myself into a person scarred, but not jaded.

✎I've learned that forgiveness is liberating. I've learned that forgiving myself continues to be one of the most terrifying things to do, but that it's not impossible. I've learned that forgiving others, even unwarranted, is a component of growth and maturity. I've learned the true value of a sincere apology, and both how to give and accept them.

✎I've learned to ask for help. [A few of you just fell off your chairs, I know :( ... ] I've learned that I can in fact let my guard down and I will not always get hurt... and hey, if I do, the world will not stop and I will. be. okay. I've learned to seek wisdom or aide from other people, and to do my own research before making brash or uneducated decisions.

✎I've learned the benefit of friends and family. I've learned that if you open yourself to the right people, you will become stronger, not weaker, from it. Specific to Rob, I've learned that it is possible for someone to love back, without reservation, without judgment, but with accountability and compromise. I've learned that my family will never abandon me, and I've learned that my friends are among the most loyal, available and forgiving that this world has to offer.

✎I've learned the power of a child's unfiltered love. There is next to nothing that I wouldn't do for Sydni; I've learned from her that life really isn't that complicated most of the time, and that if we forget to admire simple things, we'll miss the best things.

✎I've learned, quite literally, that time is lapsing, and nobody is getting younger. I've learned to either manage or accept the changes I can't avoid, be they on a global scale or down to the unescapable aging of my own physical body. I've learned that imposed change in turn requires internal change, and without a balance of both, there comes either stagnancy or chaos, both of which I'd rather not adopt. 

✎✎And OH, HOW I'VE LEARNED the absolute necessity of self-recognition. No, not to be conceited or lofty, but to realize my own limits and when to just plainly say, "enough." I've learned more efficient and diplomatic ways to fight for the things and people in which I believe, whether it's for or against, and regardless of how many others stand with me. I've learned that satisfying 100% of a crowd will never happen, but if I've done what's right and responsible, I should rest easy.

✎I've learned that I am a work.. in.. progress. And, I've learned that that's... okay. (:

So THERE.

END NEW CHAPTER. Of. Story.

On a lighter but still very relevant note, I laughed at myself tonight as I sat and watched the theatrical production of Les Misérables on the couch alone... ohhh how far I've come from nights of Family Guy or The Simpsons. I'm on to bigger, classier things now ;) ... I joke..I'm no snob, I just love theater [I always have], so indulging on that was an easy call.

So uhh, yep!
Transformation Tuesday. Next time, I'll dim it down and save you from my rants.. maybe show off those super swagger braces I had or perhaps the evolution of my poor hair from baby Asian bowl cuts to triple curly, to blonde, to short, long and everything in between just about. Or maybe I'll just find something else to rave over.

For now, it's time to hit the hay.
G'Nite, blogbots!

xo | cmd