So lately I've caught on to the rest of my much-more-hip-than-me fellow social-networkers. The now-popular
Woman Crush Wednesday, or
Throwback Thursday are all over my newsfeeds every week on their respective days. I love seeing them, too; it's great seeing my friends and family as babies, awkward tweens, ragged college students and now adults, all thrown into one montage of photo evidence.
[This is about to be a ranty entry, filled with rambles and fuzz and all that stuff I get into when I get
compelled to say something.... so
sorry, in advance!]
So it
is Tuesday, which appropriately warrants a post about it being
TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY!!! [wa-hooooo!! .... yeahhh, I dunno...
]
Anyway, so here it is! The big TT photo!
 |
| 2011 vs. 2013 |
......... wait,
what?
Yeah, I know. It's
not a picture of me in a braces or my really swell Richard Simmons hair that I had when I was in 7th grade, or even me in college when I had
blonde hair.. sorrryyyyy. These two pictures look way more alike than most that show stages of progression... other than my bangs, there's really not much different on the surface here at all.
... On the surface.
I've been really big on introspection over the past six months +. I feel like an old photograph facing restoration: still the same core components, just dulled and lackluster from time, exposure to elements and lack of proper maintenance. That is actually
exactly how I am.
 |
| 2011 |
Meet the Me, from 2010:
I had two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.
I had a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I looked healthy, smiled a lot, dotted my i's and crossed my t's.
...
Oh, and I was slowly melting on the inside.
Yeah. Seems ungrateful, I know. I was married, too, which I won't fail to mention. I was living my life the best way I knew how under circumstances that had, at my silent permission, gotten far out of my control over just a couple short years. Was I a victim? No. I did it to myself. I had become a people-pleaser, perfectly against the grain of what I would've told any of the young girls under my mentorship in college. "
Don't conform to the mold set for you by someone else, if it's not healthy for you. EVER." --- Well.... eat your words, Cori. In the short span of four years, I'd marked residence in four different states, more than six addresses, and for the better part of that time, left to my own devices caring for a brand new human being. Fact: I
let that happen. I realized too late that what I'd lost, so
far more important than a zip code or a box of belongings, was me. I stopped singing, at least like I meant it at least, I gave up soccer, put away my craft boxes, overcommitted myself to things and people that and who deserved much more from me than a superficial ceding, and found myself following the generic ebb and flow of day-to-day life as it asked me to.
I spent a lot of time blaming someone else for things that were partially my fault, for the lack of feeling and emotional drout that had taken over me, because of what I felt I'd given, with nothing in return.
I kept smiling. I pretended I was okay. I lied to myself and to everyone around me. No, I wasn't nearly on that "edge" that would create panic or worry about my literal life, but I was certainly a shell, happy-ish and complacent, energetic and busy, fueled sincerely at that point by my daughter and making sure that her life reflected the love I had for her, not the creeping sadness I had over many other things. I woke up day after day thinking that eventually I'd have the courage, the gut, the energy and the battle plan solidified to claw my way out of this ugly, plain place that I was.
And then I remembered:
 |
| amen. aaaaa-men. |
And so I did.
It was a long journey from that day I decided that I wouldn't wallow in self-pity, bitterness and all that other muck anymore. I looked around and realized I'd shut more doors than I'd opened, and it had to stop. I burnt things and people I never imagined I would, especially not unintentionally. I had to do something.
So I prayed.
And I prayed some more.
I cried. A lot. Prayed some more.
And then... I started healing. Not on my own, no.. certainly not to any credit of my own. My family, specifically my parents and sister, had become distant relatives rather than undoubted confidantes. I found myself staring each of them in the eyes and realizing the healing had in fact taken hold of things, and that it would be okay. I started being honest, almost brutally so in some capacities, about the things that make me tick or tick me off, and instead of compliance to everything asked of me, I re-learned how to say no.
&& guess what?
#truth.
& nooooow...
 |
| 2013! |
Meet the Me, from 2013:
I have two parents, a sister, a beautiful daughter & extended family.
I have a job, a roof over my head, a strong church family, colleagues and friends.
I
am healthy, I
do smile a lot, & I say to heck with dotting or crossing letters.
...
I'm happy. I'm not perfect, but I. Am. HAPPY.
I'm no longer married, no. While it was at my bidding, I'm still not proud of how it ended or the fact that a marriage I had at all did not work; never was that an intention.. but that's part of my story now and I'm stronger and wiser because of it. I have a boyfriend now, someone who reflects the kind of compassion and love I
want to give to someone. He accepts me both at face value and at the core, for who and what I am, but more and most importantly what I'm
not. It's a refreshing change of pace I needed. My family is a communicating unit again. I made a few necklaces recently, was propositioned this evening actually for a photography opportunity I will
not pass up if it materializes, and when I smile, I mean it. I'm hand-in-hand with the God who brought me through those dark days, who cleared away the film and cobwebs and brought me back to the me that, in a non-conceited way, I loved. I'm a firm believer that in order to love anyone else to the fullest capacity, you have to love yourself, even a little, where it counts if nowhere else, in order to do that. My relationships with friends I previously alienated are in their various stages of repair, Sydni now has two parents who see her more frequently as separate units than they
both did under the same roof, and I'm launching into a new professional opportunity that is teaching me something new every day. Plus, I'm back in volleyball, soccer and if you
really must know, belting every word to every song I know [& don't know] in the car, the shower and whenever else I feel like it.... which nowadays, is pretty much
everywhere.
Let's review, because every good metamorphosis is derived from
learning something..
✎I've learned that the God I serve has never and will never be farther than I can reach, even if that reach is barely inches from my side. Never will I ever be alone in this world, and never will my struggle be more than He can manage. I've learned that when I am embarrassed to look even myself in the eye in a mirror for the things I've let happen, He is still there, unchanged.
✎I've learned to well, LEARN! from my mistakes. I've learned to accept responsibility, no matter how grueling it may feel, and to grow from them. I've learned to utilize my shortcomings as fuel for re-forming myself into a person scarred, but not jaded.
✎I've learned that forgiveness is liberating. I've learned that forgiving myself continues to be one of the most terrifying things to do, but that it's not impossible. I've learned that forgiving others, even unwarranted, is a component of growth and maturity. I've learned the true value of a sincere apology, and both how to give and accept them.
✎I've learned to ask for help. [A few of you just fell off your chairs, I know :( ... ] I've learned that I can in fact let my guard down and I will not always get hurt... and hey, if I do, the world will not stop and I will. be. okay. I've learned to seek wisdom or aide from other people, and to do my own research before making brash or uneducated decisions.
✎I've learned the benefit of friends and family. I've learned that if you open yourself to the right people, you will become stronger, not weaker, from it. Specific to Rob, I've learned that it is possible for someone to love back, without reservation, without judgment, but with accountability and compromise. I've learned that my family will never abandon me, and I've learned that my friends are among the most loyal, available and forgiving that this world has to offer.
✎I've learned the power of a child's unfiltered love. There is next to nothing that I wouldn't do for Sydni; I've learned from her that life really isn't that complicated most of the time, and that if we forget to admire simple things, we'll miss the best things.
✎I've learned, quite literally, that time is lapsing, and nobody is getting younger. I've learned to either manage or accept the changes I can't avoid, be they on a global scale or down to the unescapable aging of my own physical body. I've learned that imposed change in turn requires internal change, and without a balance of both, there comes either stagnancy or chaos, both of which I'd rather not adopt.
✎✎And OH, HOW I'VE LEARNED the absolute necessity of self-recognition. No, not to be conceited or lofty, but to realize my own limits and when to just plainly say, "enough." I've learned more efficient and diplomatic ways to fight for the things and people in which I believe, whether it's for or against, and regardless of how many others stand with me. I've learned that satisfying 100% of a crowd will never happen, but if I've done what's right and responsible, I should rest easy.
✎I've learned that I am a work.. in.. progress. And, I've learned that that's... okay. (:
So THERE.
END NEW CHAPTER. Of. Story.
On a lighter but still very relevant note, I laughed at myself tonight as I sat and watched the theatrical production of Les Misérables on the couch alone...
ohhh how far I've come from nights of Family Guy or The Simpsons. I'm on to bigger, classier things now ;) ... I joke..I'm no snob, I just love theater [I always have], so indulging on that was an easy call.
So uhh, yep!
Transformation Tuesday. Next time, I'll dim it down and save you from my rants.. maybe show off those super swagger braces I had or perhaps the evolution of my poor hair from baby Asian bowl cuts to triple curly, to blonde, to short, long and everything in between just about. Or maybe I'll just find something else to rave over.
For now, it's time to hit the hay.
G'Nite, blogbots!
xo |
cmd
