Resolve VS. Resolution: Hello, 2013.

"What happened in your past is not nearly as important as what is in your future. Don't let "good enough" be good enough" - Joel Osteen

... truth.

 I'm not exaggerating when I say that I am BENT on making 2013 a great year.

Forget about the fact that it's January 1st, and that everyone around me is hunkering down on an unrealistic list of resolutions [yeah, how'd that first and only day at the gym go? heh...]


bahahaha... so true.

 Anyway, to be quite honest with you, I really put just shy of ZERO thought into laying down any hardcore resolutions for the new year. I've done that in the past, and while I stuck to my guns with some of them, the majority of those over-zealous claims ended up withering away by May at the latest.

That being said, this year I'm entering into January with more general resolve than any specific resolution. Sounds goofy, I know, but after the dramatic turn of events that could've easily driven me straight into a downward spiral in 2012, I'm still standing, better than ever actually, and for that I'm more thankful than anything else.

If you asked me how 2012 started off, I really couldn't tell you. I remember I had a really shiny to-do list that to which I was going to adhere in a direct effort to better myself and the world around me. I held my ground on a couple of those things, but I'm not bragging since most of those things were just the exaggerated versions of stuff I already did [working out, reading, writing, hanging out with Sydni... etc].*sigh. The year flew by, and, like I said in my post yesterday, proved to be quite the pivotal thing. There were transitions at my work; we lost and added staff and expanded the building itself. I undertook a leadership role as a team captain for an entire Relay for Life team for the ACS, one of the most poopular charity events in the country. New car, new friends and new insights. My daughter turned three. And of course, I made the decision to step back from the one and the biggest relationship in my life that was crippling both people involved.

It's been a year.

HOWEVER....
I don't know that I've ever felt more rejuvenated than I do right now. I feel confident. I feel blessed, and I feel extremely zealous, but not in the way that would incline me to tackle a list.

I'm content, for the first time in years. It's a bizarre feeling to have, and while it's starting to feel familiar, like an old friend I haven't seen in a long time, it still feels a little foreign considering the state of blah in which I'd been floating around for the last ohhh, 915ish+ days or so... Nobody's counting. Haha.

I have my sights set on big things for this next year. I can feel an evolution coming on, not necessarily to completely reinvent myself, but moreso to rediscover that genuine happiness that I know I have. There are people [a few specifically] who are helping me get there, and a few more that have enabled me define what I want and don't want out of life, relationships and the pursuit of my goals. I'm so thankful.

Oh, and top of that, today was the epitomy of a lazy day. I spent the bulk of it doing all of absolutely nothing with Rob, followed by some laundry, house cleaning, and meeting back up with Rob for dinner.. which leads up to now, watching The Hunger Games and fighting off sleep. I think sleep's gonna get this one. Sorry, Woody Harrelson. Another day (:

Happy 2013, my friends. I hope it's fruitful, however that is defined for you.
Be safe. Love wisely. Live fully.

xo | cmd

Thankful 2k12 : A Mini Novel

My mind is kind of all over the place with this one, so I ask in advance for your forgiveness in that regard.

First of all, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! This is one of my favorite holidays all around, primarily because of the whole family vibe, but definitely in part to the unrealistic amount of food consumed in the span of just a few hours.

I felt I should cover a few bases for Thanksgiving 2012, since this year is the segue to many more that will be very similar, if not even more removed than the current state.

*Sigh.

So the inescapably-abridged version of my current status looks a little something like this:

I am in the middle of a divorce. There. I said it. I hate to throw that boulder in the road right in the middle of Thanksgiving [of all times], but please trust me when I say I'll tie it all together.

Since I'm sure there are at least one or two questions about that statement, this is where I start incorporating the current with my overall gratitude on this holiday.

I married an incredible man. I still believe hat whole-heartedly about him. What? Well then why....? I know. It seems that, by default, we should be soaring right along in a life of marital bliss with the occasional hiccup. You'd be right to think that, but unfortunately it didn't turn out that way. I am not proud of the way things have turned out, and I don't endorse or support divorce [I hate that word, too]. Never did I intend on reaching the point of ultimate separation from the man to whom I pledged my entire life, but after years of praying and pleading for my heart to feel something I already knew had become foreign and intolerable, I caved to myself and made what I viewed as a courageous attempt to grant us both real happiness later in life. That we didn't work out will always haunt me in the sense that I should've weighed it on the front end much more closely than I did, made far more attempts to settle disputes as they came, and communicated better. Take that for what it is; I am just as guilty here. I am thankful for the experience as a whole, and as testing as it's been, I know we will both emerge on the other side as stronger people, better partners to the next who walk into our lives, and wiser parents.

The rest of this is pretty standard stuff....

I have a daughter for whom I'd not only die, but for whom I would give the world, the stars, and a planet if I ever discovered a way to wrangle one. There's something to be said about the love for and of a child that only eminates from a parent. Some of you know. Some of you, I hope one day will. It'll stand uncontested. End of story.

My family: words wouldn't do them justice. All I can say there is that I'm adopted, but that doesn't matter. I have a family rivaling most. We're quirky, dysfunctional and totally loving every minute of it.

My friends: Y O U guys & girls are a group to be ENVIED. I say that not because you're my friends, but because you are absolutely. freaking. amazing. I didn't ask for your support and I didn't expect you to be there when I fell off whatever pedestal of contentment I'd had for whatever time. You were there. You were supportive, and you were more than willing to love me for me in spite of my nuuuumerous imperfections. One of these days I'll return those favors. Until then, just know that I love you to the ends of the world and back. I'd be a blundering mess if it weren't for some of you, and literally dead or dying if it weren't for a few of you specifically. Thank you. I mean it.

My head spins sometimes when I think about the level of gratitude I have for the elements of my life - both the good, the bad, and shoot, even those that just seem to be neutrally supplemental. I'm one lucky girl, in spite of whatever you've heard ;)

xo | cmd

Transparency

** DISCLAIMER: This is a long one. This is a brutal one << for me, moreseo than you. This is truth. This may or may not alter your perception of me, but for the sake of sheer prudence, if nothing else, I'm going for it. This is for me, more than it is for anyone else. But feel free to follow.

*Deep breath, Cori. 

transparency | photog:khristianmendoza

I think it's about time I let my fingers have some unabashed leeway on their little keyboard canvas. Since the construction of sentences has been a passion of mine since I could read them, you'll have to bear with me, because only once will I be bearing some of my innermost thoughts. Here we go.

**********

Hi. My name's Corin. I go by Cori, primarily to any and everyone who met me around college junior year or so. I tired quickly of the mis-pronunciations of my name, and so hacked off a letter to simplify it for even the most nubile mind. Phonetic accomodations, you're welcome.

I'm a mother of one. She is, for lack of any other descriptive term, my world. As I believe is the case for any parent of a small child or small children, it is with an indescribable fascination that I watch her progression from one day to the next. On certain days, I find myself in a state of contention over whether or not I will be able to keep up with her as she flies through absorption of tasks at which I'm sure I spent much more time when I was in her shoes. She's smart. Super smart. And funny. And a lot like me. It sparks some fear, yeah, in me, but then I remember that I am not the only parent in the world, let alone the fact that my child is healthy, happy and loved.

I am a daughter. I am a sister. I'm adopted. Most of you know that, but just in case there was any rumor of my being the biological product of two Caucasian parents, well.... :). I love my family. We're not perfect. My parents, peerless as I regard them, were guilty of certain faults during my childhood, just as every one of us is guilty on even our best days on this journey through earthly existence. They love me, unconditionally. I am thankful to be a reflection of that endearment, free from any stipulation. I've inherited their passion for helping other people, for open perspective, for art, for music, and for embracing life.

I am an employee. I work for a cause in which I do truly believe [well, I do now; Clearchannel doesn't count. Ever.], and I love what I do, even on the days that test the very thread of my patience.

I am a friend. Sometimes I'm not a good one, and more often than not, any breakdowns could easily be attributed to my languishing of friend responsibilities. Good news for me is that I have friends who realize I'm just a straw short of crazy, and that in all my bouts of irrational and brash decisions, spontenaeity and/or ill-planned endeavors, I'm still worth a fight. I don't deserve that much credit, but I am grateful for it.

I am a wife.

Stop.

Here's where it's going to get real for me.

**********

I am a married human being.

I am part of an independent family entity.

I am failing miserably at it.

Didn't see that coming? Sorry.

REWIND:

Earlier tonight, I had dinner with a friend of mine. At her bidding, though subliminally at my absolute need. I had hesitations a mile and a half high on obliging. I'm a talker, but I'm not a talker. As much as try, I'm not and never have been inclined to willingly divulge the hieroglyphics that live on my brain's deepest cave wall. It's just not my thing. That being said, guess what I did tonight?

.... I divulged some of those scribbles to my friend, and didn't regret doing it. The taste of vulnerability to me is something like 1 part vinegar and 1 part raw flax seed oil; I run from it like any human being would. I let go, for the first time. I said things that up until tonight were only inner dialogues. I honestly couldn't tell you what my expectations were walking into it, but I can tell you this: here's what met me:

"Cori, I'm here because I love you. I'm here to listen. I'm here."

Whoa.

Here's the really un-fun part. It's called accountability, and I absolutely loathe it in the context of self-application.

I am fickle. I am broken. I am unhappy, and I am stubborn. I am self-righteous in spite of the standard set for me to be the opposite. I am undecided. I am a fighter, but I am tired. I'm disorganized but meticulously detail-oriented. I feel disheveled. I'm complacent; numb. I'm stuck. I'm wrong more than I'm right.

I am not the only person who has ever struggled through a relationship. I'm not the only person who has found themself so deep in a stream of controversial thought that it develops a +tax currency of sleepless nights. I'm not the only one who has stood around with an auto-pilot smile below eyes clouded by my own diffidence. I was reminded tonight that I am not alone. 

One of the things brought to my attention tonight was that my blog outlet has carried a certain facade up to this point, too.

*Thanks a lot, Cori, for throwing a rusted wrench in what should be a care-free blog.... :/

** To which I must reply, "Welp........."

Friends, call this what you will, but I caution you: It's about get raw.

By raw, I mean this:

My marriage has failed.
I didn't get to this point on my own, but at the same time, I didn't get here without blemish, either.

This was not an overnight verdict, nor was it an overnight wrong turn or for that matter an overnight fix. There is something to be said about something for which you fight, and fight...and fight some more, only to wake up in the same broken spirit and disappointment.

This is not a blog for bashing. This is not a blog meant to bring forth and display all the malarky that comprises what ultimately is "my failed marriage." I am not proud of this. I have fought my entire life for the things in which I believe, for the things about which I am passionate, but more and most importantly for the people in whom I trust, believe, admire, respect and love.

For many reasons, I have lost many of the aforementioned in my marriage. I have reached ground zero and my heart has, in spite of my incessant pleading prayers, turned cold and complacent in regard to the hope of resolving the issues at hand and striving to salvage this mess.

Please feel free to judge me. I know many and most of you have, if not for any other reason than the fact that my silence is, to most, viewed as a sign of defeat, admittance of guilt and/or a guilt-laden conscience. I would only ask that you recognize that my refrain from the fight is none of the above, but more absolutely my choice to advance along a higher road, without slander. Those who are genuinely interested in the entire picture for more than just the element of dramatic social muse, you know exactly where and how to find me, and are more than welcome to do so with any questions.

I oblige my own notion that there are more people in the world than just myself facing the big D word. Like I said before, I'm not proud of it, and for all intensive purposes, it goes entirely against the core grain of my religious beliefs. I personally serve a God whose vision of marriage is a life-long commitment, purposed to withstand even the most ruthlessly brutal circumstances. I get that. What I also believe is that I serve a God of forgiveness. I serve a God whose love for me is unwaivering, regardless of whatever ailment I have - especially the emotional ones. Lucky me, because that's a long list.

My brain is exhausted. My heart? Even moreso. I don't expect many of you - if any, to take sides with me. I really don't believe there should even be sides, but rather a level of maturity we could all achieve in recognizing that it really just didn't work out, that we should BOTH be blamed equally, and that in the interest of moving on in a civil fashion for our daughter's sake, the hostility that can so easily creep in must be dealt with promptly and agreeably.

This isn't going to be easy, but what I can say, is that this particular chapter in my life is ending. I never planned it, nor did I ever expect to get here, but what I refuse to do is extend it any further than I already have, just for the sake of putting words on a page, so to speak.

I am still me.
I am still Corin... and she is still Cori.
I am still a sister, a daughter, and a mother.
I am still a Christian. I'm a broken one, but I'm still here.
I am still hurting. That is normal I hear, and as much as I detest acknowledging emotion, I will, and for the time being, I'll embrace that as part of the healing process.
I am still capable of and willing to love, unabashedly and without judgment, but it will just take time.

I still love you, dear friends.

...... I think that's about it for now.

*Sigh.

xo | cmd