h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

Panama 2019 Introduction

LOL. Okay soooo.. for those of you who are just landing on this page for the first time:

I'm Cori, and while I can't and won't say I'm a missionary, I am one who goes on missions trips when I can. My church's ladies group recently asked me to put together a video introducing this trip for some of those who might be interested in some more details.

So that video.. is THIS video:


1. I have never, do not, and likely will never... enjoy hearing and watching myself on video. I didn't do much aesthetic prep for this one, so what you see is what you get: no professional make up team or lighting. Literally done in my living room, and this is take #6 I think.

2. Despite the fact that *I FEEL* like I look a little tired here, I can assure you I am BEYOND excited for this trip. Details below:

**********

2015: My first trip to Panama, and my first time meeting the wonderful Vega family. The Vega's are the family who spearhead the Panama missions (MG PANAMA), and who have worked tirelessly since 1995 to share the good news into the mountainous Ngöbe villages. Listen to the video, and visit the MG Panama site for more background on their missions! ♥ The 2015 introduced me to the Ngöbe, and I fell in love within the hour. We shared life, love and the gospel, with a village of beautiful people, and I knew without doubt that I would run headfirst through the door to return, if God should open it again.

2017: .... and He DID. In 2017, alongside the same leader from the 2015 trip, we returned to Panama, to spend a week again with the Vega missions, in a different Ngöbe village. God took it up a notch the second trip around, with us being tasked to build a physical church building for the village. In a week, it went from flat ground to a full completed structure, and on the final night, my best friend and I were able to lead worship for the church's very first service. I will never forget the magnitude and the responsibility of that moment.

2019: Third time's a charm? The adage is a classic, but I wasn't sure it would apply to this trip, until Chris (the again, same strong leader) asked me to lead the women's small group study while we are there. He made clear that this will stretch my boundaries of comfort and ability, but in ways which will grow me. I began immediately praying over this, and today had the opportunity to sit down with one of the women in my church who I most respect and admire. She is the brand of bold I want to be when I grow up, and has not only traveled the road of international missions, but the very specific one I am preparing to walk down, in a leadership role. There is a level of responsibility that comes with this, a new degree of pressure and accountability, and a heart that must, without fail, rely wholly and fearlessly on the results that God has already written into the plan.

If you watched the video, then you know that my biggest prayer right now, for my team, is for preparation not only of our bodies, our resources and our classroom material, but for our hearts and our minds, that we will walk every. single. step of this trip in unbridled faith and flexibility, and that we are willing to step out in boldness when He calls us to, and be authentic vessels through which these people will see the love of Christ as He intended it to be seen: for EVERYone.

trans | Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a
harvest if we do not give up."

We can't wait to share more of this with everyone! ♥xxo | cmd

s u r r e n d e r

image credit: Instagram @morganharpernichols

I needed to sit down and write this out while it's still fresh.

I was driving home from church this morning, overwhelmed by the A-ha! moments I've had, just so far today. It's barely afternoon, and I'm brimming with conviction. But that's how God works. Today's entry is for me. I'm speaking in raw format for myself, so if this maybe resonates for you too, then know I am in your corner, and perhaps we're wearing at least one of the same shoes.

Today's church service, at a glance, was all things routinely slated as it can be: worship, sermon, invitation, communion, fellowship - all the things that comprise a Sunday morning, come and go. If I said that every single Sunday echoed at a core level like today did, I'd be lying. While there is always a powerful point to the message, there is, with varying frequency, one (or more) that I feel were designed to speak directly and specifically into the spaces of my mind and heart that are wary, tired or broken. Today was one of those.

Today was one of the weekends I was scheduled off in the rotation of the worship team. It is just as beautiful to me to lead out through the mic, as it is to be still and be fed. It is just as necessary. Today was a day to be fed. Today was a day to be humbled. To be an active listener. To be an ACTIVE responder. To surrender.

One of the most basic tools we are given as humans, as friends, as families, as Christians - are relationships. We are wired to seek and serve a purpose, and we thrive when we do so, according to our individual gifts. If we are living out our abilities, we will inevitably be doing so among the company of others who share gifts, or who serve in other ways that complete the picture. We are built as relational creatures: in our families, in our friendships and in fellowship. By definition, 'relationships' is a plural entity, meaning that we will find synchrony with other people in the process of building and living out those relationships.

That then, by proxy, means letting go.
To clarify, that does not mean losing yourself. They are not the same thing.

I have lost myself before. I'm sure I'll do it again before my time on earth is over. I've tried to fit the mold that something or someone else has built, and all too late realized that I was never meant to fit into that mold. I have focused on becoming or being the way someone else is. I have tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed. But I have also tried and succeeded! The difference comes when I let go. When I surrender myself to the goal at hand, and get out of my own way.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, I suppose it is, in most cases. As a Christian, as a believer, I can vouch though that the real test of faith comes when I am asked to surrender. Why? Because I am very much human, and surrendering the things that keep me "safe," requires a faith that I do not always have.

Not on my own, anyway. What do I mean by this? Well for starters: When I am called to serve. Something as 'simple' as our praise team. It is an area of ministry that must be filled, and in the last year, my church as been blessed with a worship leadership team that has brought us together and sculpted us into a well-oiled machine (with room to grow, always always always!). But the process took faith! It took a determination to be flexible. To adopt new things, and integrate them with old things. To follow. To work together. To accept instruction, constructive criticism. To accept praise. To be patient with technical issues on a Sunday morning. Tuning issues. Tempo issues. It is all of those things.

On a larger scale, surrender comes as a struggle for me where relationships are concerned.

Forgiveness. 

Grace. 

Mercy. 

Humility. 

Guilt. 

Am I the only one who struggles with LETTING GO of some of those things? 

Am I the only one who feels somehow ENTITLED to keep a white-knuckle grip on some of these? 

Am I the only one who feels like they might lost themselves if I give these things up? 

Am I the only one who fears the unknown that lies beyond the surrender of these things? 

I am not the only one. I am surrounded by a church family, comprised of other humans, with other life experiences and wisdoms that sometimes dwarf my own, or in other cases remind me of the beauty that I may have lost sight of through something of my own. Today, a few members of my 'family' spoke into me, through the message (Josh), and in personal anecdotes afterwards (Joyce & Dale), and for them I am so thankful. 

I struggle with surrender. I often equate it with being weak. With failing myself. With the natural fear of the unknown. With the dread of repeating the same mistakes or experiences again. I hold onto what tangible security I feel like I have, and live inside the isolation of fear. I often wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "if I let go, I'm going to get hurt again." I worry. I become anxious that I will be caught off guard or otherwise unprepared for something I should've seen coming. I doubt my abilities, my capabilities and my emotional bandwidth. I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I fear that in letting go, I may just lose myself. 

Cori, the hard and indisputable TRUTH is that there is FREEDOM in surrender. There is LIBERATION in letting go. There is PEACE in the stillness. Think about it. Just THINK, how beautiful it is to plant a seed and literally NOT have to be the one who waters it into full maturity? How freeing it is, to allow your shoulders to breathe OUT from beneath the weight you've made them carry? How triumphant it feels to look back at the transcript of your life so far, and realize that your testimony lies in the FACT that God has literally N E V E R been absent in providing you with what you've needed?! That to forgive yourself for the things you've done wrong, allows you the space to forgive others for what they've done to you? To model service after the way Jesus served, allows you to get OUT of your own way and let God move in the impossible formats that only He can? That to SURRENDER your doubt, means that you don't have to carry it? How many times have you lost sight of this? And have you not suffered EVERY single time because you did?  YOU DID. 

S U R R E N D E R. 

Let go of the control. Let go of the plan I have, and remember that God will bless my efforts tenfold when I let Him in to heal. When I stop trying to do it all on my own, is when I will win. When I finally pause long enough to see that there are outstretched hands from other people - other believers - who have been here before, who are living in service and ready to help me do the same.. that is when I will truly be able to serve with a clear heart. 

I'm human. The idea of blind trust and faith is something that we are all literally born with. We grow out of it as we grow, as we are exposed to the world. As we experience. As we find joy, and live through pain. As we build walls to try and neutralize the stings of rejection, betrayal, loss, disappointment. I cling to my own devices more often than not, and without fail, it leads me further into chaos. 

This isn't a new thing for me. Surrender is something I have always struggled with. I find hope in the fact that I surrounded by other humans who struggle at some level with this, too. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved by a God who gave His son's life so that I would not have to pay the price of death for the things I've done wrong. 

Just as this isn't a new struggle for me, it will not resolve itself overnight. But here I sit, confessing this area of perpetual weakness, on a platform that will give me reference access to anywhere I go, anytime I need to be reminded. And it's here for you too, if you're out there reading this and relating. 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." 

- James 4:10

It's okay to let go. In fact, that is what we're called to do. It's part of growth. In order to grow, I have to trust the process. I have to try and fail, and I have to try and succeed. I have to forgive. I have to show mercy, because I have been shown mercy beyond my comprehension, let alone my merit. I have been shown grace and love so unconditional that I am a fool not to show them to the people in my own life. I have scars that should not serve as shackles, but as blocks on which I can build my testimony.

currently listening…. highly recommend! 

This will be a process. It is always a continuous process.
Surrender isn't easy. But it's necessary.
I can do this. We can do this. ♥

xo | cmd