Panama 2019 Introduction

LOL. Okay soooo.. for those of you who are just landing on this page for the first time:

I'm Cori, and while I can't and won't say I'm a missionary, I am one who goes on missions trips when I can. My church's ladies group recently asked me to put together a video introducing this trip for some of those who might be interested in some more details.

So that video.. is THIS video:


1. I have never, do not, and likely will never... enjoy hearing and watching myself on video. I didn't do much aesthetic prep for this one, so what you see is what you get: no professional make up team or lighting. Literally done in my living room, and this is take #6 I think.

2. Despite the fact that *I FEEL* like I look a little tired here, I can assure you I am BEYOND excited for this trip. Details below:

**********

2015: My first trip to Panama, and my first time meeting the wonderful Vega family. The Vega's are the family who spearhead the Panama missions (MG PANAMA), and who have worked tirelessly since 1995 to share the good news into the mountainous Ngöbe villages. Listen to the video, and visit the MG Panama site for more background on their missions! ♥ The 2015 introduced me to the Ngöbe, and I fell in love within the hour. We shared life, love and the gospel, with a village of beautiful people, and I knew without doubt that I would run headfirst through the door to return, if God should open it again.

2017: .... and He DID. In 2017, alongside the same leader from the 2015 trip, we returned to Panama, to spend a week again with the Vega missions, in a different Ngöbe village. God took it up a notch the second trip around, with us being tasked to build a physical church building for the village. In a week, it went from flat ground to a full completed structure, and on the final night, my best friend and I were able to lead worship for the church's very first service. I will never forget the magnitude and the responsibility of that moment.

2019: Third time's a charm? The adage is a classic, but I wasn't sure it would apply to this trip, until Chris (the again, same strong leader) asked me to lead the women's small group study while we are there. He made clear that this will stretch my boundaries of comfort and ability, but in ways which will grow me. I began immediately praying over this, and today had the opportunity to sit down with one of the women in my church who I most respect and admire. She is the brand of bold I want to be when I grow up, and has not only traveled the road of international missions, but the very specific one I am preparing to walk down, in a leadership role. There is a level of responsibility that comes with this, a new degree of pressure and accountability, and a heart that must, without fail, rely wholly and fearlessly on the results that God has already written into the plan.

If you watched the video, then you know that my biggest prayer right now, for my team, is for preparation not only of our bodies, our resources and our classroom material, but for our hearts and our minds, that we will walk every. single. step of this trip in unbridled faith and flexibility, and that we are willing to step out in boldness when He calls us to, and be authentic vessels through which these people will see the love of Christ as He intended it to be seen: for EVERYone.

trans | Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a
harvest if we do not give up."

We can't wait to share more of this with everyone! ♥xxo | cmd

s u r r e n d e r

image credit: Instagram @morganharpernichols

I needed to sit down and write this out while it's still fresh.

I was driving home from church this morning, overwhelmed by the A-ha! moments I've had, just so far today. It's barely afternoon, and I'm brimming with conviction. But that's how God works. Today's entry is for me. I'm speaking in raw format for myself, so if this maybe resonates for you too, then know I am in your corner, and perhaps we're wearing at least one of the same shoes.

Today's church service, at a glance, was all things routinely slated as it can be: worship, sermon, invitation, communion, fellowship - all the things that comprise a Sunday morning, come and go. If I said that every single Sunday echoed at a core level like today did, I'd be lying. While there is always a powerful point to the message, there is, with varying frequency, one (or more) that I feel were designed to speak directly and specifically into the spaces of my mind and heart that are wary, tired or broken. Today was one of those.

Today was one of the weekends I was scheduled off in the rotation of the worship team. It is just as beautiful to me to lead out through the mic, as it is to be still and be fed. It is just as necessary. Today was a day to be fed. Today was a day to be humbled. To be an active listener. To be an ACTIVE responder. To surrender.

One of the most basic tools we are given as humans, as friends, as families, as Christians - are relationships. We are wired to seek and serve a purpose, and we thrive when we do so, according to our individual gifts. If we are living out our abilities, we will inevitably be doing so among the company of others who share gifts, or who serve in other ways that complete the picture. We are built as relational creatures: in our families, in our friendships and in fellowship. By definition, 'relationships' is a plural entity, meaning that we will find synchrony with other people in the process of building and living out those relationships.

That then, by proxy, means letting go.
To clarify, that does not mean losing yourself. They are not the same thing.

I have lost myself before. I'm sure I'll do it again before my time on earth is over. I've tried to fit the mold that something or someone else has built, and all too late realized that I was never meant to fit into that mold. I have focused on becoming or being the way someone else is. I have tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed. But I have also tried and succeeded! The difference comes when I let go. When I surrender myself to the goal at hand, and get out of my own way.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, I suppose it is, in most cases. As a Christian, as a believer, I can vouch though that the real test of faith comes when I am asked to surrender. Why? Because I am very much human, and surrendering the things that keep me "safe," requires a faith that I do not always have.

Not on my own, anyway. What do I mean by this? Well for starters: When I am called to serve. Something as 'simple' as our praise team. It is an area of ministry that must be filled, and in the last year, my church as been blessed with a worship leadership team that has brought us together and sculpted us into a well-oiled machine (with room to grow, always always always!). But the process took faith! It took a determination to be flexible. To adopt new things, and integrate them with old things. To follow. To work together. To accept instruction, constructive criticism. To accept praise. To be patient with technical issues on a Sunday morning. Tuning issues. Tempo issues. It is all of those things.

On a larger scale, surrender comes as a struggle for me where relationships are concerned.

Forgiveness. 

Grace. 

Mercy. 

Humility. 

Guilt. 

Am I the only one who struggles with LETTING GO of some of those things? 

Am I the only one who feels somehow ENTITLED to keep a white-knuckle grip on some of these? 

Am I the only one who feels like they might lost themselves if I give these things up? 

Am I the only one who fears the unknown that lies beyond the surrender of these things? 

I am not the only one. I am surrounded by a church family, comprised of other humans, with other life experiences and wisdoms that sometimes dwarf my own, or in other cases remind me of the beauty that I may have lost sight of through something of my own. Today, a few members of my 'family' spoke into me, through the message (Josh), and in personal anecdotes afterwards (Joyce & Dale), and for them I am so thankful. 

I struggle with surrender. I often equate it with being weak. With failing myself. With the natural fear of the unknown. With the dread of repeating the same mistakes or experiences again. I hold onto what tangible security I feel like I have, and live inside the isolation of fear. I often wonder, "am I the only one who does this?" and "if I let go, I'm going to get hurt again." I worry. I become anxious that I will be caught off guard or otherwise unprepared for something I should've seen coming. I doubt my abilities, my capabilities and my emotional bandwidth. I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I fear that in letting go, I may just lose myself. 

Cori, the hard and indisputable TRUTH is that there is FREEDOM in surrender. There is LIBERATION in letting go. There is PEACE in the stillness. Think about it. Just THINK, how beautiful it is to plant a seed and literally NOT have to be the one who waters it into full maturity? How freeing it is, to allow your shoulders to breathe OUT from beneath the weight you've made them carry? How triumphant it feels to look back at the transcript of your life so far, and realize that your testimony lies in the FACT that God has literally N E V E R been absent in providing you with what you've needed?! That to forgive yourself for the things you've done wrong, allows you the space to forgive others for what they've done to you? To model service after the way Jesus served, allows you to get OUT of your own way and let God move in the impossible formats that only He can? That to SURRENDER your doubt, means that you don't have to carry it? How many times have you lost sight of this? And have you not suffered EVERY single time because you did?  YOU DID. 

S U R R E N D E R. 

Let go of the control. Let go of the plan I have, and remember that God will bless my efforts tenfold when I let Him in to heal. When I stop trying to do it all on my own, is when I will win. When I finally pause long enough to see that there are outstretched hands from other people - other believers - who have been here before, who are living in service and ready to help me do the same.. that is when I will truly be able to serve with a clear heart. 

I'm human. The idea of blind trust and faith is something that we are all literally born with. We grow out of it as we grow, as we are exposed to the world. As we experience. As we find joy, and live through pain. As we build walls to try and neutralize the stings of rejection, betrayal, loss, disappointment. I cling to my own devices more often than not, and without fail, it leads me further into chaos. 

This isn't a new thing for me. Surrender is something I have always struggled with. I find hope in the fact that I surrounded by other humans who struggle at some level with this, too. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved by a God who gave His son's life so that I would not have to pay the price of death for the things I've done wrong. 

Just as this isn't a new struggle for me, it will not resolve itself overnight. But here I sit, confessing this area of perpetual weakness, on a platform that will give me reference access to anywhere I go, anytime I need to be reminded. And it's here for you too, if you're out there reading this and relating. 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." 

- James 4:10

It's okay to let go. In fact, that is what we're called to do. It's part of growth. In order to grow, I have to trust the process. I have to try and fail, and I have to try and succeed. I have to forgive. I have to show mercy, because I have been shown mercy beyond my comprehension, let alone my merit. I have been shown grace and love so unconditional that I am a fool not to show them to the people in my own life. I have scars that should not serve as shackles, but as blocks on which I can build my testimony.

currently listening…. highly recommend! 

This will be a process. It is always a continuous process.
Surrender isn't easy. But it's necessary.
I can do this. We can do this. ♥

xo | cmd

14.5 On A Sunday

If you're as lucky as I am, then your morning starts out with rehearsals that are both productive.. and fun. And did I mention we are thrilled to have Holby back?! Seriously, it wasn't the same without him. Obviously: 

Speaking of Holby, we love that Chad also tasked him with announcements this morning. As you can see, Chad handled it rather well:

when chad starts second-guessing his recent decisions ;) 

I've said it before and I'll say it a hundred times more, this group is one of the best there is, and I'm so, so stoked that I get to share life with them.

I was also pretty pumped that today was so gorgeous! We did lunch with the Ricks after church and then headed home to veg out for a couple hours before strapping up the bikes for a quick ride at Lunken.

ready, set.... go!

done and done and my quads were so mad... ;) 

It's January and the path was full of people - I couldn't have asked for more! My poor legs might beg to differ, but it felt good to switch up the cardio and give my quads a little something to complain about later (aka tomorrow). 

We made it back just in time to grab dinner and rendezvous at the Ricks' house for the quarterly budget meeting, then back home to wrap up the night. Oh, and Jess - now that golden milk is a staple in my house, you're welcome to come by any time and steal some ;)

things of a sunday night

Kind of a hodge podge day, but that's what keeps it interesting, right? 

Tomorrow's a brand new work week, and I'm ready. Are you? 

xo | cms

Worship & Winter Walks

First things first, WELCOME BACK, Josh!!

We've been waiting anxiously for weeks for Josh to be well enough to return and take up his spot on the praise team. While we'd adjusted to his absence, having him back today was the best way we could've started the service. Oh, and we brought out the instruments to celebrate :)

we're all here! ♥

rehearsal time :) 

We headed home after church, where I threw in a load of laundry, made a couple eggs and did a quick change to head out for a quick hike with Jess & Bumper.

stella didn't feel like going.. 

i was hungry?

let's go, bumper! 

East Fork was pleasantly quiet today, with the exception of a few mountain bikers and one couple hiking with their dog. Jess, Bump and I took to the Harsha Lake circuit - today was the perfect day for it.

hi jess!

william harsha lake | east fork state park | ohio

(and the masses ((and I)) said yes.)

all the while knowing full well i wasn't going anywhere..

cold but happy ♥

Earlier this morning at church, Chad emphasized the idea that in walking with someone, we have the opportunity to find true transparency. He referenced the amount of time Jesus spent walking - physically - with His disciples. With strangers. With the outcast. With everyone. They walked and talked with each other. Some of the Bible's most iconic characters became such as a result of the relationships they developed while literally walking.

I was reminded today how thankful I was to be present in that moment, with one of my close friends. I'm thankful for her insight, conversation and what she has already given me as a friend. We talked at length about what 2018 looks like for us individually, and agreed that we've both put self-love on the list of things we intend to pursue this year. Self-love. Self-care. Self-inspection. More investing into the things that really fuel us, rather than the things that deplete us.

It's something I'll build on as the year gets underway, but today was a secluded eye-opener as we marched through the woods alongside the frozen stream bed and sunlight. Today though, I'm grateful for the praise team and church family who continue to walk through life with each other, and for my beautiful friend Jess, who walked with me today and obliged real, life talk. I really do have much more than I've earned.

Oh, and I made some banana bread that's Whole30 APPROVED, so if y'all would like the recipe, well.. it's the easiest thing you'll make this week, so just ask :)

It's back to work tomorrow, and I think I'm ready.
January, you're lookin' okay so far. :)

xo | cms

Catching Up on 2017...

Well hello, old friend.

It's been exactly 4 months yesterday, since the last time I came here to scribble something - and if I remember correctly, it was something menial. Let me open this then with a bitter admission: I've accepted the fact that my days of blogging for the dual purpose of chronological time-mapping [for my future self] and flexing my penmanship.... are long gone.

Because not all change is bad, right?

I'm not sure where it came from, but I've felt a weird tug for the past couple of weeks that it was time to revisit this blog and just start writing. If there's anything I've learned about myself in the past 30+ years, it's to never ignore that tug. This morning, I didn't have one singular thing weighing on my mind, rather that weird cloud of all the things that just sort of hung around the outskirts of my thoughts. By the afternoon, smaller, focused thoughts, and by the time I left the gym tonight, I was floating in a mental pond of Cori.

.... what a wretched analogy, sorry.

So let's see. Since the end of March alone, the universe has taken full liberty of reminding me that what I have planned is a laughable rough draft of what I'll get. My agenda has very little to do with my life in realtime, other than positioning myself at a when-and-where.... and even that's iffy.

damanji. ♥ you, friend! 

For starters, immediately after my last entry, Damanji shipped off to Turkey for the next year[ish]. We dressed up as mannequins from a Gadzook's display and sent him off with a night of drinks, dancing and a blur of 90s-inspired plaid and Converse. Born from that were some new friendships [both a broccoli-hater AND a Liverpool fan made the ranks, I KNOW, it's been a weird year...], rehashing favorite old memories and accepting that Damanji won't be physically around to annoy and humor us for at least the next 11 months.

And then Angela moved to Boston.
And Nick to Croatia.
And Megan to Ecuador.
At least Becky came back from New Mexico, even if it's just for the Summer.

Speaking of Summer, I can't remember the last time one felt like such a blur.... of everything. 
Here's [more for my future recollection of and proof that I didn't zone wholly out for the duration of] Spring & Summer 2017, as they've transpired so far:

April: Damanji's 90's themed going away party was the perfect kickoff, complete with friends, libations and really loud bass speakers :).

ali. shawn. cori

♥♥

A few weeks later, Ali celebrated her birthday by spending it here in Cincinnati, and a small host of some other favorite friends moved away, varying from temporary to full scale relocation. At the barking protest of my pride, I resumed physical therapy after intentionally avoiding it for.... a while, and found that although I now have one of the best DNS wizards in this hemisphere, I still. hate. PT. Oh, and the Fountain in our driveway has been officially traded in for an Eliminator, because ya know, it's practical to own a Catamaran when you live in Ohio. 

matching tattoos.. because that is what we do...
happy birthday, ali!! ♥♥

May: I returned to Panama with Chris and a roster of 13 other people from Ohio, Vermont and Arkansas who rendezvoused in the Atlanta airport 24 hours before we embarked on a pack-hike into the remote mountains of Balsa, Panama for a week. Run on sentence, you're welcome. We spent that week constructing a physical church building, under the direction of a foreman whose approval of any given task could be determined only by whether or not he was shaking his head at you. A good exercise of trust building in a team setting - I've found - is to incorporate 3 languages, 3 countries and 3 separate U.S. states' worth of team members onto one construction site, provide them with gas generators, power tools and a living blueprint [aforementioned foreman], with the understanding that this structure will be mapped out and finished within four days. An OSHA rep would've been escorted off this site, likely by an ambulatory pack-mule, from the heart attack they would've suffered trying to document this project. BUT, for and by the Glory of God, it came together at the midnight hour, and I had the honor  of singing praise music next to one of my best friends [for the first time], in the first service ever held in the new Balsa church. Not a bad trip. In other May news leading up to Panama, Sydni finished 2nd grade, lost a tooth that same day, and we spent much of the month catching up with family and friends. 

our favorite 2nd 3rd grader!! 

climbing with kalyn & brian | red river gorge, ky

hang times with jennica | columbus & dayton, oh

family biking | loveland, oh

panama 2017

June: The Employee Month of the Year as the count should stand, derived from my entirely made-up metric system: Surprise Factor, Relief Induction, Joy Increasing and Overall Mental Health Appreciation. I returned from Panama with my usual post-missions acute awareness of just how much stuff we have, and talking myself off the ledge of donating everything but the clothes we need for the week. Fortunately, that tirade was lessened by a trip to Chicago for a book festival & Britta's birthday, followed by a long weekend at Norris Lake with some of our favorite friends from Illinois. Oh, and lest we forget that in between those two, I got myself kicked off a sinking ship by the tempest itself, and found myself onboard a 5-star ocean liner the next week. Yeah, I know it was a crap analogy, but it was a crap situation that did a cartwheel and ended up better than ever, so whevs. Life on the professional front did a full reset, which forced me to realize how poorly I'd been just existing before everything changed. Another one of my best friends wound up here in Cincinnati for her birthday, which we celebrated in true Mare & Cori fashion: a soccer game, a piercing session, food, laughing, coffee... and more coffee.

britta boooo's birthday!! ♥ | chicago, il 

norris lake 2017 | norris lake, tn
cori. jess. taryn. liz. rob. matt. kenny. jesse.

♥ happy birthday, mare!! | cincinnati, oh

work fam :)
jess. stef. cori. chris. [missing deb]. tonya. rami. kelley. nick. ashley. brandi

nick & rami! ♥
[taken 7.13.17 ;) ]

July: I fully immersed myself back into my old-but-new job, realizing to no small amount of surprise least once every couple years. I've just accepted this as who I am at this point - perpetually scattered :).
just how neglectful I had been of my inner well-being where my professional life was concerned. Rob's birthday came around, which put us in Illinois for a weekend bash with some of our favorites. It happened to be the same week that Nick & Rami (two of my coworkers) had their wedding! Sydni and her friend Mattie had their first weekend sleepover here at the house, and I managed somehow to lose my entire wallet somewhere between the grocery checkout and my house. Don't worry guys, this is like an annual thing for me at point. Fortunately, everything was handled quickly, and with the exception of an MIA Kate Spade, all is well. OH, and July was the month we really kicked it into gear with the FC games. Now that Cincinnati has its own USL (we're aiming for MLS) team, we now have something to do every random night of the week and weekend ;).

2017 objective: pet all the dogs. these are matt's.

birthday bash for rob's 31st!

liz! 

alejandraaaaa .. or ali, if you're a regular mundane ;) 

jay & cindy came out too! 

ladies ♥

ridiculousness, in motion.

Oh, and some certain folks went and got baptized this month, too.. but that deserves a separate entry, so give me a few more days to rally all those pictures :). 

So that brings us to now, in a nutshell. I've said before that I'll be more consistent in daily updates, and after having written just this one day's slew of stuff-scattered as it is, I know- reminds me why I need to flex the blog muscles at least weekly, and eventually daily, like before.

I promise I'll start stringing together more cohesive trains of words and thoughts, too, once I get back into the rhythm of this without a 4-month hiatus.

Thanks for tuning in, blogbots :)

xo | cms

Book Room, Part II

Project Time! 
... AND PROJECT UPDATE!

So a couple weekends ago, we got the first part of the mini library completed: the large bookshelf. It wasn't necessarily a complicated process; I'd call it more time consuming that "difficult." Not a bad problem for a DIY project. 

Yesterday afternoon, between the morning & afternoon visits with my cousin, Rob and I made a trip to pick up the lumber needed for the reading bench. The original plan was to go ahead and get the second bookshelf materials as well, but well.. things happen and you decide that you don't really wanna do it just then and so you don't. And so we didn't. Meh. Another day. 

So today, we did church and then a much-needed and much-loved lunch outing with the Ricks and Costanzas, before coming back home to tackle the bench. Rob assisted me with some of the sawing [I could use that thing every day and still manage to cut off something that isn't lumber...], and then I hauled the cuts upstairs to build the bench.

First things first: baseboard removal. Somuchfun.

It's a box. I built a box. Not super complicated, but again - time consuming. Especially when you decide you're going to make pocket screws, sans kreg jig or any other foreseeable solution outside of winging it. I'm good at that, so it worked out :). 

Here's the before: 

freshly vacuumed :) 

a box & some suuuper pretty "pocket screws" [haha]

Rob has relentlessly teased me about my plans to make this thing sturdy enough to support half the house, and well, he's not wrong, and in the event that it does need to support half the house, well, WE'RE GOOD HERE. :D 

Anyway, fast forward a couple hours, a couple drill batteries and several stripped-out screws later... 

final touches: hinges and hatch opening!

And thennnnn: 

ta-da! 

because i'm not about wasting space... 

She's done! 

phase 2!
... of... 4, i think. 

So if you can picture a smaller white bookshelf (to match the existing one) situated in front of and of the same height as the bench, then you've seen the next step. I'll add a bunch of memory foam and cool pillows+blankets+comfy shtuff on top of that & it'll probably be my new favorite place in the entire house. 

Also, YAY for not having to paint ANY of this so far. While I don't like cutting corners, I also don't like creating unnecessary work for myself. Everybody wins. 

Oh, and if you had no reason to turn your clocks forward today - or if you're among the rare who don't have a cell phone that automatically updates, well.. make sure you do that before tomorrow morning :). 

Here's to another solid week! 

Cheers,

xo | cms

Songs & Shelves!

Happy Sunday! 

Today really was a beautiful day, both inside and outside. Nobody's really sure what the midwest wants to do when it comes to weather, but today provided some much needed sunshine and chirpy birds to make up for the mini blizzard that rolled through yesterday.  

Our day began with worship, which, if I'm being honest, I could use every day. I took some time specifically today to give thanks for the praise and worship team that "adopted" me with open arms and has welcomed me as now a core member in our growth as a team. As with any ministry that truly speaks to the individual, I am so overwhelmed by just how at home I feel with them, each week as we support each other and lead our growing church plant in worship. 

And it's fun, too ;) 

silly rehearsal times

( But serious, when we need to be....)

lost in worship with this incredible, incredible team
photo cred: my awesome husband ♥

 And after church, I was feeling happy, and sunshiney, and flowy [the latter based on the hair I so. desperately. need. to cut...]. Either way, today really was a day of mental and bodily rejuvenation, and I was happy to soak it in.

happy :)

"SUNDAY IS A DAY OF REST!" is what I swear I heard in my ear every hour as Rob and I dove into a project we've [I've] been talking about for weeks. I've been chronicling in recent posts the growing collection of pretty spines [aka books] and wimsy little Funkos that have begun piling atop the mantle in our living. For fear that I'd come home one day to find the shelf broken off the wall - which Rob has assured me is quite unlikely to happen, I decided that in addition to the book nook I've been scheming for the upstairs room, there would be a bookshelf to accompany it.

And that birthed today's project: #StokesShelfie.
I gave it a hashtag because I'm that person, who will forever reference this and all book-related projects in my home with hashtag vernacular. Or maybe worse. #WHOKNOWS.
Rest in peace, pound sign. 

ANYWAY:

before [& yes, those are 2 separate shots, 2 separate angles]

I'll skip the boring part where Rob and I marched back and forth across Home Depot for 45 minutes debating on the best and most cost-efficient material for this. We eventually settled on primered boards, which meant no pre-painting on our end. WOO!

frame!

From there, it was Rob and his table saw, and me with a drill and chair because I'm too short for just about everything.

sectioned :)

 And then the fun part:

....aaaaand ONE. 

 And two, and three, and four......

And then FINALLY:  

done! done done done. 

Rob went back to the garage to continue hounding away at the motor he's been working on, and I took to re-homing a portion of my new shelf's inhabitants. It's late and I'm tired, so the rest will have to wait for another day.

It's still pretty awesome - I couldn't have done this without my super awesome husband's help; I am in LOVE with this [and him, duh].

#shelfie!

Phewww.
Gooood night, blogbots!

xo | cms