Letting Go of ME (A 2017 Archive)

Happy Monday TUESDAY, blogbots!

I started rummaging through old unpublished entries on here last night, and I came across this one, about Panama. I thought I'd go for it, since I haven’t yet and it’s been nearly six full months since we got back from the 2017 trip. In the midst of all the other stuff I never got around to documenting, this too fell by the wayside, and that’s not okay.

One of the things that hit me as I was looking back through the first couple days of pictures from the 2017 trip, is how much I really took for granted this time around. Even two months later, some of the finite details had just then registered with me. This, just as any other missions trip, could have gone way worse. Could’ve had serious logistic hurdles. Could’ve, for all we knew, been a complete disaster. But it wasn’t. I’m looking back six months and feeling for the first time, a real gratitude for how that trip turned out.

I’ve been to Panama twice now, and am more cognizant of how those two trips varied:

2015: Rewind almost three(ish) years ago, to when I stepped off my front porch at 3am with my hiking pack and loaded into the van with Chris, Aaron, Marissa and Quinn, for my first Panamanian trip. I was nervous – not in an overwhelming way, but in a way that made me hyper-aware of committing every last detail to memory. I had no idea what to expect. My team, as far as I was concerned at that point, consisted of the people in that van. A confession I’ll make now is that while we sat by the gates at CVG, I penned an open letter to nobody in particular, just in case something were to happen.

That was the state of my heart as I boarded the first plane to New Jersey. That was my focus. I’d completely lost sight in that moment of why I was there in the first place. I got on the plane and cried. We were less than two total hours into the trip and I was already a mess – nerves compounded with disappointment in myself for allowing the doubt to creep in. And then I prayed. For the remainder of that first leg, I prayed. I praised. I made a mental list of and thanked God for each person on the team, in the seats beside me. For our church family who’d backed us. For the missionaries who would be responsible for us while we were there. For our families back home, who would be doing life per usual for the week that we were gone.

equipo ♥♥
suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And then I prayed that He would, if nothing else on that trip, help me to live in the moment.
And that is exactly what happened. I spent a week tucked into the side of a remote Ngobe village serving the most incredible families, to whom I am eternally indebted for what they taught me about myself in the process. I came home with an entire journal filled with memories. With moments. With names of new lifelong friends, and places and feelings and descriptions. With notes for my future self. Ways I’d been challenged, and truths I’d realized. I came home and re-lived that trip for months. The foundation had been laid in my heart for Panama, for MG3, for the Vega family, for the Ngobe people. I knew I would be back.

suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And I’d only arrived at that place because I finally let go of me, and let God move.

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7

 

*****************

MAY/JUNE 2017: Forward to 2017’s trip. Chris had made attempts in 2016 to form a team, but for reasons I’ll never know, it didn’t happen. We accepted that, and started praying for whatever 2017 might hold. It was February when the plans were finally announced for Lightpoint to be sending its inaugural team of missionaries out of the country. We were to be that team. We barely became a full team; a few who expressed initial interest ended up unable to commit, at least for this year. I prayed and again propositioned Marianne, who’d been unable to go in 2016, in hopes that maybe.. just maybe.. this year would work.

And she WAS. And so was her boyfriend, Derrek. And so we became a team of four: Chris, Mare, Derrek and myself. Chris had orchestrated with Todd, a pastor from Crosspoint Church in Cleveland, for the four of us to rendezvous with his team before we got to Panama. We accepted that at face value, and took diligently then to our weekly FaceTime conference calls, where Chris was able to connect with Mare & Derrek and lead us as a team to prepare for Panama 2017.

Approaching the 2017 trip, I was confident of an exponentially higher number of things than I’d been in 2015. Marianne is my best friend, Derrek is her boyfriend, and I’ve had two more years to really get to know Chris and his family. Our international team consisted of people that were no longer strangers to me, and I felt at peace knowing that all the new faces of this expedition would still come with the familiar.

We flew from Cincinnati to Atlanta on the first morning out, and met there with Todd's team, which was a compilation of members from Crosspoint in Cleveland, and then two other couples from Todd's hometown church in Benton, AR (Holland Chapel). Together we had managed to rally 3 churches and 3 different states' worth of teammates, combining for the first time in the Atlanta airport just hours before we were to embark on a pack-only hike into one of the most remote areas of another country.

Now's not the time for Trust Issues. 

We touched down in Panama and seemed as though we didn't stop moving until we got back off the plane seven days later back in Cincinnati. Already a much different pace than 2015. Remembering what I'd eaten 2 hours in the past was a task, let alone compartmentalizing each of the days, and what they stood to represent. For all I can say, this trip was a blur. In a good way, but a blur no less.

team vermoncinnati ;) - chris, cori, derrek, mare
en route to balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation | 2017

To nobody's surprise, I took literally a couple thousand pictures, but I'll admit that I am really seeing some of these pictures for the first time, even now. I'm recalling the hours we spent dragging our bags off the bus and stuffing them back on again. Of how we all adjusted to our surroundings, and became wholly reliant on translators to speak in Ngabe on our behalf. How we trusted each other without question, and set foot onto the mountains for hours of hiking into a village.

Letting go of myself on a trip like this is not an option. The difference in how I had to let myself go on this year's Panama adventure was equal yet nearly opposite the way I had to before.

It's something I struggle with obviously on the missions field, but absolutely and frequently off that map, too. And if there was ever a weekday built to test my resolve, it's a Monday, dressed up as TUESDAY. Today really didn't prove to be one of those days, I guess, but I know they're very real, and that separating myself from the voices of control, inadequacy and guilt that I am often prone to hearing is often harder done than said.

2017 equipo : ngabe, esp, eeu
balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation outset | 2017

I'm posting this now, because as I set the stage for my 2018, it includes reflecting on a prompt I'd obviously had one day halfway through 2017. I don't know why I didn't post this in its entirety originally (when I first wrote it, in July 2017), but I'm posting now to give myself something to look back on even a week from now, when I'm not feeling particularly sentimental about this the way I am today. I have no idea what 2018 holds, what the Panama trip will look like this year, and although I'm not wired to trust easily, I know there are bigger plans in motion than my doubt. It's a tough pill to swallow, but that's a part of the journey that's just as crucial as being along for the ride. My only real wish, believe it or not, is to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone on the next trip that I have no choice but to stare down whatever two options there are, knowing both will catalyze me in a permanent, hopefully positive way.

With all of that being said, any and all prayers would be hugely appreciated as we work through orchestrating this year's trip. It will be a completely different trip, if I understand it correctly, but hey.. I'm in. :)

xo | cms

Catching Up on 2017...

Well hello, old friend.

It's been exactly 4 months yesterday, since the last time I came here to scribble something - and if I remember correctly, it was something menial. Let me open this then with a bitter admission: I've accepted the fact that my days of blogging for the dual purpose of chronological time-mapping [for my future self] and flexing my penmanship.... are long gone.

Because not all change is bad, right?

I'm not sure where it came from, but I've felt a weird tug for the past couple of weeks that it was time to revisit this blog and just start writing. If there's anything I've learned about myself in the past 30+ years, it's to never ignore that tug. This morning, I didn't have one singular thing weighing on my mind, rather that weird cloud of all the things that just sort of hung around the outskirts of my thoughts. By the afternoon, smaller, focused thoughts, and by the time I left the gym tonight, I was floating in a mental pond of Cori.

.... what a wretched analogy, sorry.

So let's see. Since the end of March alone, the universe has taken full liberty of reminding me that what I have planned is a laughable rough draft of what I'll get. My agenda has very little to do with my life in realtime, other than positioning myself at a when-and-where.... and even that's iffy.

damanji. ♥ you, friend! 

For starters, immediately after my last entry, Damanji shipped off to Turkey for the next year[ish]. We dressed up as mannequins from a Gadzook's display and sent him off with a night of drinks, dancing and a blur of 90s-inspired plaid and Converse. Born from that were some new friendships [both a broccoli-hater AND a Liverpool fan made the ranks, I KNOW, it's been a weird year...], rehashing favorite old memories and accepting that Damanji won't be physically around to annoy and humor us for at least the next 11 months.

And then Angela moved to Boston.
And Nick to Croatia.
And Megan to Ecuador.
At least Becky came back from New Mexico, even if it's just for the Summer.

Speaking of Summer, I can't remember the last time one felt like such a blur.... of everything. 
Here's [more for my future recollection of and proof that I didn't zone wholly out for the duration of] Spring & Summer 2017, as they've transpired so far:

April: Damanji's 90's themed going away party was the perfect kickoff, complete with friends, libations and really loud bass speakers :).

ali. shawn. cori

♥♥

A few weeks later, Ali celebrated her birthday by spending it here in Cincinnati, and a small host of some other favorite friends moved away, varying from temporary to full scale relocation. At the barking protest of my pride, I resumed physical therapy after intentionally avoiding it for.... a while, and found that although I now have one of the best DNS wizards in this hemisphere, I still. hate. PT. Oh, and the Fountain in our driveway has been officially traded in for an Eliminator, because ya know, it's practical to own a Catamaran when you live in Ohio. 

matching tattoos.. because that is what we do...
happy birthday, ali!! ♥♥

May: I returned to Panama with Chris and a roster of 13 other people from Ohio, Vermont and Arkansas who rendezvoused in the Atlanta airport 24 hours before we embarked on a pack-hike into the remote mountains of Balsa, Panama for a week. Run on sentence, you're welcome. We spent that week constructing a physical church building, under the direction of a foreman whose approval of any given task could be determined only by whether or not he was shaking his head at you. A good exercise of trust building in a team setting - I've found - is to incorporate 3 languages, 3 countries and 3 separate U.S. states' worth of team members onto one construction site, provide them with gas generators, power tools and a living blueprint [aforementioned foreman], with the understanding that this structure will be mapped out and finished within four days. An OSHA rep would've been escorted off this site, likely by an ambulatory pack-mule, from the heart attack they would've suffered trying to document this project. BUT, for and by the Glory of God, it came together at the midnight hour, and I had the honor  of singing praise music next to one of my best friends [for the first time], in the first service ever held in the new Balsa church. Not a bad trip. In other May news leading up to Panama, Sydni finished 2nd grade, lost a tooth that same day, and we spent much of the month catching up with family and friends. 

our favorite 2nd 3rd grader!! 

climbing with kalyn & brian | red river gorge, ky

hang times with jennica | columbus & dayton, oh

family biking | loveland, oh

panama 2017

June: The Employee Month of the Year as the count should stand, derived from my entirely made-up metric system: Surprise Factor, Relief Induction, Joy Increasing and Overall Mental Health Appreciation. I returned from Panama with my usual post-missions acute awareness of just how much stuff we have, and talking myself off the ledge of donating everything but the clothes we need for the week. Fortunately, that tirade was lessened by a trip to Chicago for a book festival & Britta's birthday, followed by a long weekend at Norris Lake with some of our favorite friends from Illinois. Oh, and lest we forget that in between those two, I got myself kicked off a sinking ship by the tempest itself, and found myself onboard a 5-star ocean liner the next week. Yeah, I know it was a crap analogy, but it was a crap situation that did a cartwheel and ended up better than ever, so whevs. Life on the professional front did a full reset, which forced me to realize how poorly I'd been just existing before everything changed. Another one of my best friends wound up here in Cincinnati for her birthday, which we celebrated in true Mare & Cori fashion: a soccer game, a piercing session, food, laughing, coffee... and more coffee.

britta boooo's birthday!! ♥ | chicago, il 

norris lake 2017 | norris lake, tn
cori. jess. taryn. liz. rob. matt. kenny. jesse.

♥ happy birthday, mare!! | cincinnati, oh

work fam :)
jess. stef. cori. chris. [missing deb]. tonya. rami. kelley. nick. ashley. brandi

nick & rami! ♥
[taken 7.13.17 ;) ]

July: I fully immersed myself back into my old-but-new job, realizing to no small amount of surprise least once every couple years. I've just accepted this as who I am at this point - perpetually scattered :).
just how neglectful I had been of my inner well-being where my professional life was concerned. Rob's birthday came around, which put us in Illinois for a weekend bash with some of our favorites. It happened to be the same week that Nick & Rami (two of my coworkers) had their wedding! Sydni and her friend Mattie had their first weekend sleepover here at the house, and I managed somehow to lose my entire wallet somewhere between the grocery checkout and my house. Don't worry guys, this is like an annual thing for me at point. Fortunately, everything was handled quickly, and with the exception of an MIA Kate Spade, all is well. OH, and July was the month we really kicked it into gear with the FC games. Now that Cincinnati has its own USL (we're aiming for MLS) team, we now have something to do every random night of the week and weekend ;).

2017 objective: pet all the dogs. these are matt's.

birthday bash for rob's 31st!

liz! 

alejandraaaaa .. or ali, if you're a regular mundane ;) 

jay & cindy came out too! 

ladies ♥

ridiculousness, in motion.

Oh, and some certain folks went and got baptized this month, too.. but that deserves a separate entry, so give me a few more days to rally all those pictures :). 

So that brings us to now, in a nutshell. I've said before that I'll be more consistent in daily updates, and after having written just this one day's slew of stuff-scattered as it is, I know- reminds me why I need to flex the blog muscles at least weekly, and eventually daily, like before.

I promise I'll start stringing together more cohesive trains of words and thoughts, too, once I get back into the rhythm of this without a 4-month hiatus.

Thanks for tuning in, blogbots :)

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 8: Worry Not

Philippians 4:6-8 - Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. [NIV]

I cheated today and read this at the beginning of the day. I needed it today; Friday started off feeling more like a Monday, and an ugly one at that. With several fires to put out before the 9:00 hour was even over, it seemed liked I had a target painted on my forehead that I didn't know about.

Fortunately, I had the chance to step away from the desk for about 30 minutes to bid See-you-later to Mare, Derrek & Cooper before they embarked on the 12ish-hour journey back to Vermont.

cooper!
[& humans.]

I am grateful that Cooper's new humans [aka Mare & Derrek] included us as part of their journey to get him, affording us a small but invaluable window of time to spend with good friends. The next time we'll see you, buddy, you'll be a giant! 

Back at work, I started the process of detangling the web of ridiculously unnecessary problems created by irresponsible people temporary inconveniences that are part of the nature of my line of work... always a process. I was pleasantly interrupted by an unexpected visitor:

hiiiiiiiii! 

I gotta tell ya, if ever I believe there is too much on my plate for me to handle in a sane way, God reminds me that He's got this, and plugs all those leaking holes in the ship with good people, good fortune and a gentle, stern reminder of this: Quit your worrying, girl, and tell me what you need. 

Talk about a direct answer.

That girl up there [Becky] has been my goal when it comes to adventurous spirits. Among my small inner circle, she is the one who obliges her inner adventure the majority of the time. She somehow balances adulting with recreation, usually in some service-minded, bigger picture kind of way. If you've never heard me describe her impact on my life in a few sentences, here it is: She's my R.A. from freshman year at UC, teammate on both college & rec soccer teams, mentor, friend and peer. She made me run every step of Nippert stadium in one pass, forced us to do annual blood drives and pushed me to my physical limits in training more than once... and we're still friends ;). She is selfless, compassionate and is both the most patient and impatient person I've ever met.

And there are some big [new] adventures on her plate, fast-approaching and in no means minor. One of the many reasons I respect her so is that in spite of her constantly taking life by its horns and dragging it behind her, she is still human, and is still able to acknowledge very human tendencies to worry or excessively weigh out the future. The unknown. The what-ifs. And then she shrugs and takes off head-first into that unknown. And 9 times out of 10, comes back without regret.

And I think today I needed her to swoop in - literally. It felt as though I couldn't shake a lingering sense of frustration through the work day: one of those days that hands you an interruption just about every time you try to get something done, ya know? Where everyone has an emergency, and people prove that their word and bond mean about as much as hot air in a pillowcase - ya know?? *Sigh.

Stop worrying. Stop rushing for one second and let the seconds come to you. Pray. Listen. Breathe. 

I wasn't sure how today was going to play out, but it ended just fine, because that is what happens when I start over-dramatizing things. I had more valleys and plateaus today than peaks, but I'm certain that's how it's supposed to be. We are not to worry, because that's not just useless - we're specifically instructed not to.

Today I am thankful for chicken + waffles, road trippers, baby German Shepherds, adventurous spirits and the not-so-subtle reminders that all. is. well. ♥

Happy Friday, bots!

xo | cms 

She Loves - Series Day 7: Stay & Rest

Psalm 9:1 - Under His wings you will find refuge. [NIV]

So I'll admit, we're only 7 days into this and I really didn't feel particularly drawn to any immediate correlation for this verse and my life, at least today. That's not to say there never has been, but that's the reality of scripture - while it is wonderful, there will be times when specific passages just don't speak to you in that Richter scale kinda way.

And I believe that's okay. I believe it's normal, and natural, because if we force something to fit, it's not authentic. So yes, I believe today's verse is without question an indisputable declaration, and I have in fact sought out the exact type of shelter it's referencing. I've been so broken that I thought I'd never find my way back to willingly getting out of bed the next day, and as much as I'd love to say I was resilient on my own accord, that's not the case.

But today, many miles later and in between valleys, I can say that I read that and smiled at being reminded of it, but didn't feel the deep sigh as though I had desperately needed it.

Today, at least. And I am thankful for that .

I do however have a praise to share! Tonight was the first night for me and Sydni [disclaimer: yes, I realize I just created grammatical treason; I did it on purpose ;)] to go together to the SonRise peace center to fill bags for our church's backpack ministry. I had major proud mama smiles as we made our rounds through the line. We talked about what we were doing, and that these bags are for kids just like her, but who perhaps wouldn't get to eat anything yummy on the weekends outside of the school cafeterias. I've said it before but I'll say it again - this little girl's heart is bigger than the ocean is wide sometimes, and it was everything we could do tonight to keep her from literally running through the person in front of her - she wanted to fill 'a thousand bags, Mom' so that 'no kids get hungry this weekend!' < GOSH.♥

be.still.my.heart.

 After backpack, we headed home, where Mare & Derrek met us after their day gallivanting around Cincinnati with Cooper.

cooper!
[& stella's waggy butt :p]

We grilled out, spent quality time as a happy household of young and adult humans and dogs, and finished up the night huddled under blankets in the basement watching Captain America: Civil War.  

[minus rob, stella & syd]

Perhaps you stumbled here looking for some eloquent parallel around this verse; I'm sorry I may have disappointed there, but that should not miniaturize at all the promise behind it. If you really did need that today, then I encourage you to go and read it on your own, and pray for open eye and heart for how you might be drawn to related scripture and let it speak to you in the way that you need. 

We were happy to host our traveling friends tonight, and although I am NOT saying our home would never equal the refuge God provides, I can hope it did prove a humble place for them to rest, if in no other way than literally. 

I hope you find rest throughout this week, whether it's serious or not. Breathe, pray, give thanks. Repeat. 

Happy Midweek! 

xo | cmd

She Loves - Series Day 6: Speak Light

Proverbs 31:26 - She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. [NIV]

So.... Are you readin' this, self? I mean, I know you're reading it, but are you listening?

Wheeeere to start and what to say with this one, huh. I read this today, and while I don't think? I've said anything extraordinarily stupid today, I can definitely say my days of unwise and misguided verbal vomit are-a-plenty. Also.. italics. So dramatic. :|

This is the verse after my mantra verse, from the other day on the list as well, which is part of a big picture descriptive of the Noble Wife. While verse 25 speaks to her inner edification, this encompasses how she expresses her character.

I'm by no means a strong verbalizer when it comes to politics. If there's ever been a more appropriate time to understand the impact we have with the words we speak and what that reflects about who we are. It is... so much more than whatever candidate you're supporting as we near the election. I think we can all agree that regardless of what social media platform you use, or if it's even online at all, decisions of this magnitude have always delivered to us the ugliest versions of ourselves and those around us.

election 2016

Since the presidential campaigning started, my newsfeed has been a collection of wedding photo albums and political banter. Literally two polar opposites. The first a reel of people celebrating love & unity, and the latter divisive, intentionally brutal and defaming words against the other opponent and anyone in support of said opponent. And in a lot of cases, you can find both on the same person's page.

So here we are, raising kids, trying to be decent humans among our peers and especially to our kids, with the ever-growing pressure to speak out about         (you name it)         . To have a voice. A backbone. A position.

And frankly, I am a firm believer in doing exactly that: standing up for what we believe to be true, right and real. I believe that if I'm losing anything, it won't be without a passionate fight. But therein lies the trap of getting from the start to finish line without falling prey to saying things we know we don't mean, attacking people out of misguided emotion, and in the wake, leaving behind a trail of who we really are when the stakes are high and the pressure is real.

I want to segue from there to a quick brag moment, on one of my closest and most... enduring friends. This girl and her boyfriend arrived late tonight after driving 12+ hours to pick up their new puppy in Indiana. They started in Vermont before the sun was up, and pulled up to our house long after the darkness had settled in.

mare & the newest member of her clan: cooper! 

I'll try to keep this concise, but there are a few things that the world should know about Mare:
She's a veteran of both the military and of life. She has been to the edge of hell, and came back. She's damaged because of it, and doesn't pretend not to be. She's the exact opposite, actually. It took a whole lot of digging out of emotional and psychological pits for her to find solid ground, and some days are still better than others. She is the picture of resilience, in her own fantastic way. In my opinion, she is a wonderfully restored soul, who has slowly forged new and rewarding paths as a result of chaos or conflict, instead of allowing them to erase her. I am thankful to serve the same God that replenishes people like her - like all of us, and honored to call him my own saving grace.

I have admired this about my friend since the day I met her, and I am very proud to say that when I find myself cornered by my own human nature, she is among the small handful of people on whom I can count to provide me a perfectly portioned, side-by-side serving of empathy and uncomfortable [but exact] wisdom. As I say this though, let me add the caveat that it's not solely because she's "been through it," but because this girl is also one of the strongest Christians I know. And one of the most broken. And because of that, because she has seen the redemptive power of giving all of that brokenness, all of the darkness, all of everything, to a God who is bigger than we can even imagine... and has found light in return. That is why I am proud to call her my friend, but beyond that, I have seen the proof of God's presence in her life, and how that continues every day to transform her more and more into a woman of noble character. When she gives advice, I know it is driven by scripture - by truth, by experience and by faith. I have faith it will usually be wise.

One definition of Wisdom is literally this:
Knowledge of  what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; ... discernment or insight. 

How do we even begin to separate right from wrong? How do we develop healthy discernment [versus unhealthy paranoia]? In real time, right now, how do we channel our beliefs on what is right or wrong into an expression that aligns with who we want to be as a human, as an example?

All. good. questions.
And no, guys, I don't have all those answers. Sorry. I am only as wise as the research I do on my own. The guidance I seek from those more-seasoned than me. My faith can only be anchored as far as I'm willing to "test the saints." I'm nothing more than a speck on the map, and a URL on the world wide web... but my not-so-secret plan to leave my mark as a Christian daughter, mother, sister, wife, friend, coworker, teammate and stranger is this:

I will trust that with every.single.day, the mercies I don't deserve are brand new. I will believe that all humans - myself most absoluuuutely included, are broken to some degree on the spectrum. I legitimately do believe that the majority of the people that at least I know, while varying in political, religious, economic, professional, social [etc. etc.!] positions, want what they believe is best not just for them, but for those around them. I like to think they believe whole-heartedly in the things they choose to advocate publicly. I don't and won't agree with some of them. I agree with others. I choose to respect both. I will participate only in conversations that I am confident I am prepared to have, with the understanding that nobody is better than me, nor I than anyone else. When I inevitably agree-to-disagree with anyone, it will be because we have different but equally-educated positions on the matter at hand.

And I will speak wisely, with respect and love.
And I will not always succeed. And I will use the failed attempts as fuel to develop my own self-control and discernment. And I will have good and bad days. And I will teach my daughter the value of both. And she will fail. And then she'll succeed. And we'll rely through it all on our God who has already seen the coming days. We will pray, and we will listen.

My hope is that you all have a friend in your life like Mare. Or maybe you are that friend. Most importantly, I encourage you to reach this entire chapter in Proverbs. See where it leads you! To recognize the fact that every single one of us is capable of finding and embracing wisdom, love and light is crazy incredible. I know this entry seemed a little scattered, but I'm far from checking off 'figured it out' off the list. So in the meantime, I'll make conscious efforts to speak wisdom, and with faithful instruction when it's my turn.

Happy midweek - love you blogbots!

xo | cms