Watch Your Words

Ok, I get it. Share it. 

I read through this this morning, and then hopped on Instagram and saw that one of my friends had read through the exact same thing and posted a picture of this same page to IG. And so I went and re-read it, because I felt like I maybe needed an extra application of it today. 

It's an excerpt from Jesus Calling for Graduates, by Sarah Young.

.. And today's entry reads [exactly] like this:

Jesus Calling for Graduates, by Sarah Young 

The first line of the second paragraph hit me like a brick:

Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts,....

Quick-witted retorts are the bread and butter in my arsenal of defense-driven responses. I'm naturally sarcastic, and though the witty part may be debatable [<P.S., that word has caused me so much irritation trying to spell it correctly...... ], I know that I am prone to wittyish responses as a reflex.

Something that I've learned and re-learned over the years is that when I am intentional not just about what I don't say, but also what I make a point to say, the results have a way of coming back and blowing my mind. It's not a complex theory, but it gets me every time. When I just... slow down.. and take the time to really download something, whether it's in conversation, situation or inside my own head, that's when things start to make sense in ways I don't consider when I'm going 110 mph.

I don't know if any of you needed that as much as I did today, but it couldn't have been a better day to remind me of where my words should originate, and what the motives behind them should reflect.

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
- Prov 12:18

Ooof. True, yeah?

I hope Thursday's been good to you all. I just got home from our weekly small group, which as always, comes at just the right time, every Thursday.

It's almost the weekend!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 12: Tales of Adoption

First and foremost, it's Noooovemberrrrr! I love this month for a slew of different reasons. It's National Adoption Month, my birthday month, Thanksgiving, football season, beanie & scarf season, boot weather... yeah, I'm absolutely that girl that feels about November the way many people feel about Fall in general: YESSS.

With that being said, today's verse ties in perfectly with how I wanted to kick off this month: by celebrating National Adoption Month [let's call it NAM]! 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

- Psalm 139:14 [NIV]

 

I shared this picture on Facebook earlier today, in celebration of NAM: It's probably now my favorite photo-mark that I've done for NAM over the past few years,; it's obviously from the wedding, and you guys, I am in love with what this says about my family.. namely my parents.

There was a comment after I posted, asking me to share the story of my adoption. Don't worry guys, it's not super complicated, but Jen, thank you for prompting me to do the obvious, and re-count the bottomless blessing that is [my] adoption. So here's my story, in a nutshell: 

********************** 

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
- Psalm 127:3

That sounds rather indisputable, and as a parent now, I can confirm that the reward part is without question true. Children are the past, present and future of humanity, if you think about it. Both our ancestors and we were them, we raise them, we teach them and we prepare them to take our places. They are literally heritage. 

So when having children is part of someone's dream, it goes without saying that the disappointment in being unable to - for whatever the reason - is heartbreaking. As a Christian, I still struggle to understand when I hear about an expectant couple losing their baby to a miscarriage. I don't want to accept the bigger picture when my friend whose marriage is wavering because they cannot conceive a child. I am not the woman who swallows envy and bitterness when she sees other women whose bodies were capable of enduring pregnancy. I cannot imagine. 

That was my mom. That was my dad. That was my family. The abridged version is that my parents tried so many times that they lost count. An army of doctors couldn't come up with an answer they hadn't already heard. They hopefully forged ahead and each time were met with bad news. The breaking straw was when the miscarriage came, somewhere between month 5 and 6. 

Two people with a dream of being parents. Of instilling in another human the love and life that to this day is the exact definition of who they are as humans. They were at the end of the road. Again. 

It could have stopped there. They could have let that pain dissolve any further talk on the matter of parenthood. It could have consumed them, and destroyed a marriage. 

But by the GRACE OF GOD, that is not who my mother and father are. [My fingers just wrote that on their own and now I'm crying.. okay..]. So they picked up the pieces. They relied on each other and their support network to provide that bridge back to normalcy, to clarity. And then they set their jaws and got real with the sky-high, seemingly indestructible wall between them and parenthood. They sought out local resources and information on adoption. They ignored nay-sayers. They began the 2+-year process of an international adoption. 

And one day, months and months after that first step of faith, they received this: 

[my first mugshot!]

Ya'll. That's me. That is the picture they received from the agency, of a clearly-frightened, gender ambiguous-in-appearance, malnourished little girl on the other side of the world, at an orphanage in Cebu City, Philippines. THIS, you guys, is the picture that solidified my future as an adoptee. 

You will never convince me that this wasn't a God thing. 

I look like a lot of sad, strange things in this picture, but a cuddly, poster-baby is not, in my opinion, one of them. So understandably, when I've asked my parents what it was about this picture that said 'this is the one,' their honest answer has always been, "We just knew." And as hard as I tried to force a more detailed answer over the years, the more I've realized that it had nothing to do with them or with me. 

Fast forward to my debut on American soil: 

day 1.

Sometime, 1985: This was taken I believe at some legal appointment to establish my citizenship, because naturalization when you're a baby does not include testing through the history of the country and also the periodic table can I get an Aaaamen. Haha. Seriously though. I became theirs and they became mine, by the authority of the U.S. Government and the State of Colorado. 

And they became the type of first time parents that everyone else does: 

almost. this is... so close. ;) 

That's dad, and me, somewhere in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. We still laugh at all the camping expeditions that ended with me finding new and improved ways to make myself miserable... because that's what kids do naturally, and if there's any guarantee, it's that Mom & Dad learn it all right along with us, the first time it happens. There's no manual for new parenthood, and there's certainly no Cliff Notes for the first-timer who steps in after 16+months. 

family out (dad's side of the family) 

There is however, a nice, long learning curve for adoptive families, that manifests itself in a variety of challenging ways. In some cases that I've heard, it's intense separation anxiety. Sometimes an overall identity crisis. Social issues, depression, loneliness. In my case, it came in the form of emotional detachment and anger under stress. For all we could see, I appeared to be well-adjusted for the most part on a good day, but [and especially as] I approached my tween and teen years, my coping abilities seemed to fail more often than not through stressful situations: disagreements with my parents, puppy-love breakups, tween social drama, academic pressure, sports, loss of pets & family members. You know..... life. I vividly remember more than one occasion of lying on my bedroom floor, staring at my ceiling, and speaking audibly to nobody in particular: 

"This is not literally going to kill you. Get a grip." 

At 16, I "ran away" from home. Before you gasp at that, I "ran" to the other side of our small town and lived with one of my friends for less than a month. Looking back now, I know my parents knew, even though I liked to pretend then that I was completely off the grid. I mean, c'mon, it was during the school year. I didn't miss a day of school and was still getting straight A's. When I "went home," I got sent to see a therapist. That was the worst part, because especially now, I realize that that man should've have ever been tasked with my case - he didn't know the first thing about adopted kids. 

I was not always kind to my parents. No kid always is, but in my parents' case, I put them through a specific season of challenges because we were both, in the big scheme of things, gravely uneducated and far out of touch with how to process through my adolescent life as an adoptive family. Among the many things I see now looking back, what stands out to me most is just.how.undeserving I was of their unconditional love. Their faith in me to be resilient, even if it was in my own way, and most of all, their transparency and honesty in admitting that they were but two people doing their very best and then some for that little girl they worked so tirelessly to call their own before she was even born. 

senior recognition night, 2003

I graduated high school. I made it through college. I said goodbye to both of my grandmothers [my grandfathers had both passed before my 4th birthday]. I wrecked cars. I suffered and recovered from a slew of sports injuries.I started & left jobs. I moved once a year it seemed throughout and soon after college, with and without roommates. I gave birth to my daughter. I lived life and so far I have done all of it because of and with them by my side, even at my darkest. My faith in myself has been suspended on several occasions, but theirs has never faltered, not once. 

[I would love to share more, but this is already much longer than I intended... if there are questions you have about life as an adoptee, I am happy to share anything else you want.. message me!] 

I have heard adoptive parents say their kids are the greatest blessing. What they might forget is that they are in fact OUR blessing. ♥

family. ♥

And this is modern day. This life I have now: everything and everyone in it, is because God planted a seed in the heart of two devastated people all those years ago, to have hope and faith that he would multiply their blessings and their wishes tenfold in the wake of heartache. I have not been the perfect daughter, but I am theirs, and they are mine. And let me tell you guys: 

I praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Happy National Adoption Month, to all our fellow adopters & adoptees... and HAPPY NOVEMBER to everyone else!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 9: Just Me :)

Happy kinda-almost-Halloween, blogbots! If you're anything like us, your trick-or-treat night was tonight, because Halloween itself is on a Monday [aka work & school]night, and half of us lack either the time or energy - or both - for that. And yes, we trick-or-treat on Halloween not because we are demonic, but because we enjoy fun costumes, hanging out with friends and bringing in hauls of candy. [I was recently warned by someone that Halloween is not something a Christian family should celebrate; this is perhaps a conversation for another day, but I'll say this - I appreciate the weigh in, and understand the argument, but I don't agree. Connect with me directly if you want to dialogue on it!]

soccer tourney!

ANYWAY, we obliged an invitation an hour north by our friends Shayne & Cassie, and after a morning of soccer here in Cincinnati, we rested up for the long night ahead of us. There is something to be said about the excitement kids find in trick-or-treating. It's a community effort, and in some cases a rather extravagant one. We as adults reminisce on all the times our parents trailed us through neighborhoods as we willingly walked miles of residential sidewalk and driveway for chocolate and other varieties that very well could've sucked our teeth out.  I did that tonight with my own daughter, whose ballerina costume earned her several compliments, and an equal collection of Reese Cups [everybody wins!].

awww, flashbacks to jamaica!
the kittles. the stokes. the gills.

1 Corinthians 15:10 - 

By the grace of God,
I am what I am. 

This I think is ultra-fitting today, because as we get into costume as someone [or something] else, it's not permanent and it doesn't change who we are.

trick or treating 2016

I was reminded today of the novelty in being that other thing - even just briefly. As our kids meandered around the neighborhood- this pocket-sized battalion of story & comic book characters, I was struck with appreciation for: 

- all the times our parents braved trick-or-treating with us as kids, which IF I REMEMBER, was WAY more of a bloodsport for kids than it is now. I'm serious. I can't be the only one that remembers savage battles with sibling or friend over who got to ring the doorbell first. Kids these days are so... polite. Weird.

- all those times our parents had to take us trick-or-treating, in weather that sucked. Also something we're all politely choosing to ignore: I don't remember one single childhood Halloween when we didn't have to modify our costumes to fit over everything but the snowsuit itself. Today it was a very nice 65ish degreese outside, without a cloud in the sky. I said a silent thank-you for it.

- the fact that trick-or-treating is still a very real past-time, and that I get to share this with my daughter.

Rob and I didn't dress up this year. Really, we could've planned for something, but whether by lack of time or inadequate incentive, it just didn't happen. We're fine with that, but honestly, I agonized over the idea of not dressing up for longer than was really necessary. I get the festive spirit from my mother, who loves taking participation to a new level every time, not because she's competitive, but because she legitimately loves to be wholly entrenched in the spirit of whatever it is she's there to celebrate [Renaissance Festivals, if you need an example].

I didn't have a huge epiphany tonight, if that's what you thought I was going to say.. no. I didn't. I do however, think there's no better time than today to have this verse as an underlying reminder that we can dress up as anything under the sun that we can imagine, but it doesn't change who we are. This mama is learning every day to take and keep ownership of the mess she is, day in and day out, and embracing the idea that I am what I am, and every bit of it - both good and bad, by the grace of God.

excuse my face.. i was chewing.. haha

I hope all of you out there collecting candy, peering through little eye-holes in your mask, or bargaining all night with an itchy wig - I hope ya'll are having a blast, staying safe and spending some quality time with your crew. 

Happy Kinda Halloween! ;) 

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 8: Worry Not

Philippians 4:6-8 - Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. [NIV]

I cheated today and read this at the beginning of the day. I needed it today; Friday started off feeling more like a Monday, and an ugly one at that. With several fires to put out before the 9:00 hour was even over, it seemed liked I had a target painted on my forehead that I didn't know about.

Fortunately, I had the chance to step away from the desk for about 30 minutes to bid See-you-later to Mare, Derrek & Cooper before they embarked on the 12ish-hour journey back to Vermont.

cooper!
[& humans.]

I am grateful that Cooper's new humans [aka Mare & Derrek] included us as part of their journey to get him, affording us a small but invaluable window of time to spend with good friends. The next time we'll see you, buddy, you'll be a giant! 

Back at work, I started the process of detangling the web of ridiculously unnecessary problems created by irresponsible people temporary inconveniences that are part of the nature of my line of work... always a process. I was pleasantly interrupted by an unexpected visitor:

hiiiiiiiii! 

I gotta tell ya, if ever I believe there is too much on my plate for me to handle in a sane way, God reminds me that He's got this, and plugs all those leaking holes in the ship with good people, good fortune and a gentle, stern reminder of this: Quit your worrying, girl, and tell me what you need. 

Talk about a direct answer.

That girl up there [Becky] has been my goal when it comes to adventurous spirits. Among my small inner circle, she is the one who obliges her inner adventure the majority of the time. She somehow balances adulting with recreation, usually in some service-minded, bigger picture kind of way. If you've never heard me describe her impact on my life in a few sentences, here it is: She's my R.A. from freshman year at UC, teammate on both college & rec soccer teams, mentor, friend and peer. She made me run every step of Nippert stadium in one pass, forced us to do annual blood drives and pushed me to my physical limits in training more than once... and we're still friends ;). She is selfless, compassionate and is both the most patient and impatient person I've ever met.

And there are some big [new] adventures on her plate, fast-approaching and in no means minor. One of the many reasons I respect her so is that in spite of her constantly taking life by its horns and dragging it behind her, she is still human, and is still able to acknowledge very human tendencies to worry or excessively weigh out the future. The unknown. The what-ifs. And then she shrugs and takes off head-first into that unknown. And 9 times out of 10, comes back without regret.

And I think today I needed her to swoop in - literally. It felt as though I couldn't shake a lingering sense of frustration through the work day: one of those days that hands you an interruption just about every time you try to get something done, ya know? Where everyone has an emergency, and people prove that their word and bond mean about as much as hot air in a pillowcase - ya know?? *Sigh.

Stop worrying. Stop rushing for one second and let the seconds come to you. Pray. Listen. Breathe. 

I wasn't sure how today was going to play out, but it ended just fine, because that is what happens when I start over-dramatizing things. I had more valleys and plateaus today than peaks, but I'm certain that's how it's supposed to be. We are not to worry, because that's not just useless - we're specifically instructed not to.

Today I am thankful for chicken + waffles, road trippers, baby German Shepherds, adventurous spirits and the not-so-subtle reminders that all. is. well. ♥

Happy Friday, bots!

xo | cms 

She Loves - Series Day 6: Speak Light

Proverbs 31:26 - She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. [NIV]

So.... Are you readin' this, self? I mean, I know you're reading it, but are you listening?

Wheeeere to start and what to say with this one, huh. I read this today, and while I don't think? I've said anything extraordinarily stupid today, I can definitely say my days of unwise and misguided verbal vomit are-a-plenty. Also.. italics. So dramatic. :|

This is the verse after my mantra verse, from the other day on the list as well, which is part of a big picture descriptive of the Noble Wife. While verse 25 speaks to her inner edification, this encompasses how she expresses her character.

I'm by no means a strong verbalizer when it comes to politics. If there's ever been a more appropriate time to understand the impact we have with the words we speak and what that reflects about who we are. It is... so much more than whatever candidate you're supporting as we near the election. I think we can all agree that regardless of what social media platform you use, or if it's even online at all, decisions of this magnitude have always delivered to us the ugliest versions of ourselves and those around us.

election 2016

Since the presidential campaigning started, my newsfeed has been a collection of wedding photo albums and political banter. Literally two polar opposites. The first a reel of people celebrating love & unity, and the latter divisive, intentionally brutal and defaming words against the other opponent and anyone in support of said opponent. And in a lot of cases, you can find both on the same person's page.

So here we are, raising kids, trying to be decent humans among our peers and especially to our kids, with the ever-growing pressure to speak out about         (you name it)         . To have a voice. A backbone. A position.

And frankly, I am a firm believer in doing exactly that: standing up for what we believe to be true, right and real. I believe that if I'm losing anything, it won't be without a passionate fight. But therein lies the trap of getting from the start to finish line without falling prey to saying things we know we don't mean, attacking people out of misguided emotion, and in the wake, leaving behind a trail of who we really are when the stakes are high and the pressure is real.

I want to segue from there to a quick brag moment, on one of my closest and most... enduring friends. This girl and her boyfriend arrived late tonight after driving 12+ hours to pick up their new puppy in Indiana. They started in Vermont before the sun was up, and pulled up to our house long after the darkness had settled in.

mare & the newest member of her clan: cooper! 

I'll try to keep this concise, but there are a few things that the world should know about Mare:
She's a veteran of both the military and of life. She has been to the edge of hell, and came back. She's damaged because of it, and doesn't pretend not to be. She's the exact opposite, actually. It took a whole lot of digging out of emotional and psychological pits for her to find solid ground, and some days are still better than others. She is the picture of resilience, in her own fantastic way. In my opinion, she is a wonderfully restored soul, who has slowly forged new and rewarding paths as a result of chaos or conflict, instead of allowing them to erase her. I am thankful to serve the same God that replenishes people like her - like all of us, and honored to call him my own saving grace.

I have admired this about my friend since the day I met her, and I am very proud to say that when I find myself cornered by my own human nature, she is among the small handful of people on whom I can count to provide me a perfectly portioned, side-by-side serving of empathy and uncomfortable [but exact] wisdom. As I say this though, let me add the caveat that it's not solely because she's "been through it," but because this girl is also one of the strongest Christians I know. And one of the most broken. And because of that, because she has seen the redemptive power of giving all of that brokenness, all of the darkness, all of everything, to a God who is bigger than we can even imagine... and has found light in return. That is why I am proud to call her my friend, but beyond that, I have seen the proof of God's presence in her life, and how that continues every day to transform her more and more into a woman of noble character. When she gives advice, I know it is driven by scripture - by truth, by experience and by faith. I have faith it will usually be wise.

One definition of Wisdom is literally this:
Knowledge of  what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; ... discernment or insight. 

How do we even begin to separate right from wrong? How do we develop healthy discernment [versus unhealthy paranoia]? In real time, right now, how do we channel our beliefs on what is right or wrong into an expression that aligns with who we want to be as a human, as an example?

All. good. questions.
And no, guys, I don't have all those answers. Sorry. I am only as wise as the research I do on my own. The guidance I seek from those more-seasoned than me. My faith can only be anchored as far as I'm willing to "test the saints." I'm nothing more than a speck on the map, and a URL on the world wide web... but my not-so-secret plan to leave my mark as a Christian daughter, mother, sister, wife, friend, coworker, teammate and stranger is this:

I will trust that with every.single.day, the mercies I don't deserve are brand new. I will believe that all humans - myself most absoluuuutely included, are broken to some degree on the spectrum. I legitimately do believe that the majority of the people that at least I know, while varying in political, religious, economic, professional, social [etc. etc.!] positions, want what they believe is best not just for them, but for those around them. I like to think they believe whole-heartedly in the things they choose to advocate publicly. I don't and won't agree with some of them. I agree with others. I choose to respect both. I will participate only in conversations that I am confident I am prepared to have, with the understanding that nobody is better than me, nor I than anyone else. When I inevitably agree-to-disagree with anyone, it will be because we have different but equally-educated positions on the matter at hand.

And I will speak wisely, with respect and love.
And I will not always succeed. And I will use the failed attempts as fuel to develop my own self-control and discernment. And I will have good and bad days. And I will teach my daughter the value of both. And she will fail. And then she'll succeed. And we'll rely through it all on our God who has already seen the coming days. We will pray, and we will listen.

My hope is that you all have a friend in your life like Mare. Or maybe you are that friend. Most importantly, I encourage you to reach this entire chapter in Proverbs. See where it leads you! To recognize the fact that every single one of us is capable of finding and embracing wisdom, love and light is crazy incredible. I know this entry seemed a little scattered, but I'm far from checking off 'figured it out' off the list. So in the meantime, I'll make conscious efforts to speak wisdom, and with faithful instruction when it's my turn.

Happy midweek - love you blogbots!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 5: Be Brave

I'm having a major Aha moment as I get ready to write this. JLKRU#*$&(PQDE. Seriously, this one made me laugh audibly, because I was literally so, so wrong.

So just when I thought yesterday, 'tomorrow's verse will probably be me repeating everything I've said today,' God stepped in and proved otherwise. I mean, technically He didn't step in; He was was already there, knowing this miniature lesson would happen long before I was even born. Kind of like a curvy road, where you are certain there's a hairpin turn just over that hill, but instead it's a stop sign at a 4-way intersection? [I'm all about analogies, folks]. But yeah, this is kinda like that. The road didn't step in to change its course; it was already there.

And perhaps that's way deeper an analogy than is needed for this [actually it is], but whatever. TODAY was normal for the most part, or at least the version of normal that is normal for us. And then we got home, and Sydni said something in rebuttal on why she did something: "MYOB," she muttered. Days before this she'd told me that at school, this acronym means, Mind Your Own Business. There was of course immediate reprimanding, which in this case meant standing in a corner for 7 minutes, loss of iPad privileges and a conversation at the end to discuss why it was said, why we have consequences and why we don't behave like that in the future.

seven, sassy... sydni ♥

I was fully prepared to put on my stern but forgiving mom face, because that's what I've learned generally works for these things, but no less than 30 seconds into our Come here and talk with me chat, my 7-year-old started opening up to me about everything that's weighed on her heart from school over the past couple weeks. She shared with me that she has a couple of good friends, but also has bullies in her class. Through tears not because of our earlier encounter at home, she told me she is sad because people are mean and although she tries to be nice to them, she gets angry and is sometimes mean in return. And she doesn't like being mean, and she doesn't know how to stop being angry when it's happening and that she knows she's not being a good example. And she doesn't feel like anyone else is trying to be a good example, and it's hard being the only one.

And in that moment, I crumbled. I cringed at the harsh words that other children use with each other. With how that makes her feel. With the part of her innocence that is peeling away layer by layer, because she is doing something completely natural: Growing up. With the fact that there's nothing I can do to console her in these moments, because she has her mother's stubborn tendencies when she's upset.

We talked at the foot of the staircase for almost an hour. I grappled with two channels running simultaneously in my mind: one of all the ugliness I've seen up to this point as an adult, resulting from the pressures and perceived unrealistic expectations of this world. I've seen people give in, give up, or lose themselves entirely. The other of my daughter - my child, who is still waiting on her adult teeth to grow in, experiencing and processing through new, uncomfortable emotions for the first time.

She told me kids call her dumb, an idiot and stupid. 

As a parent, there were several different emotions I experienced in that split second. Let's be real: Biting my tongue from nobody who was actually in room is tough. I listened as she bared her heart to me, and prayed that I would find the right words to say. She is my first [and only, for now] child, so every day is very much new for both of us. We are learning as we go, and honestly, I swallowed down more than a few knots of almost-fear and discouragement as we sat and talked. How do I handle this?! How do I help her feel better? HOW am I supposed to protect her?! 

And then that still small voice said [very directly] to me exactly what I hadn't realized was on today's list for verses:

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. [NIV]

Again, my Aha moment.
Heck yeah I was uncomfortable tonight, trying to be the strong when my child was weak. I didn't have the answer to her problem. My suggestions weren't what was needed. What was needed was for her to talk it out, get it off her chest, and be reminded in the end by me that she is NONE of the things she is called by other kids. She was reminded just.how.much she is loved and adored by her family, her friends, her neighbors, her Sunday school class, etc... and more and most importantly by Jesus. I told my daughter how incredibly proud I was of her not for how she did or didn't behave at school, but for being brave enough to tell me things that, for her, are painful. I told her that being brave looks like a lot of different things. It could be her not letting a bully push someone around. It could be her helping someone else when it's not convenient for her. And in this and SO.MANY.OTHER cases, it's being brave enough to stand up for herself because she believes in herself.

And so, Moms... and Dads.. and everyone else who has ever been the shoulder cried onto - or on some days, the crier - have we not forgotten what we've been commanded to do? It's not a suggestion. It's not a recommended best practice. It's a command. We are called to put unconditional faith in Him, which as a result mutes fear, quenches discouragement and above all, creates the type of inner strength and courage to believe we are beautiful. We are worth it. We are fearfully & wonderfully made.

So be brave today. And tomorrow.
And if you can't, find someone who can be brave for you - because hey, there is no story in which the hero is brave every single day. There is no happy ending that didn't have a valley in the middle. And there will always be those other kids - whether they're literally kids, or adults whose behavior looks eerily similar. I didn't think I was going to be brave tonight, but somehow, we managed.

And that's all we can do sometimes.

A SIDENOTE: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was "officially" last month, but here's the deal: November 14th will mark 7 years of having lost a very close friend to the grips of suicide. She was a beautiful friend, soon-to-be mother, daughter and sister. She fought her battle and lost. And because of that, we lost. We lost her, and we lost our chance to carry her through the days when she could not be brave. If you are her: on the verge of giving up and giving in, I can only say this: The people who love you - who really, truly love you, are in greater numbers than you know. The people who care for not just your well-being, but your life - are all around you. You may not even know some of them yet. But they - WE - are here, and if it's one of us that you need to talk to, please... please.. please..... please just.. ask. We are broken humans, just like you, but on at least one day, we needed someone else to be brave for us. Joshua 1:9 - Please do NOT be afraid, because in your loneliest moment, you are still loved. 

As I told my daughter tonight: I will choose to be brave today, because I might need you to be tomorrow.
♥♥♥♥

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 4: I'm Loved at My Darkest

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [NIV]

That's today's verse from the list.

Yes, it's pretty cut and dry, I think, in clearly defining exactly how much God loves us. Those of us who grew up hearing the gospel might not find gravity in this every time we see it, because we've seen it so much. We have busy lives, responsibilities and distractions pulling us in different directions all the time. We understand this to be an absolute truth; in my case, when I need that extra push in the right direction, I usually set off to find a verse more specifically targeted for whatever challenge I'm trying to muddle my way through.

Discouragement, loss, impatience, betrayal, injury, sickness, death, etc. I don't like any of those words. There are verses that speak about all those things throughout the Bible, so when I'm facing those things, that's where I go. I don't go to this verse automatically, but the irony is that it's one of the first things I should remember, in my moments of anger, sadness and guilt. Yes, I probably do need that memo about patience [or 3, or 5, or yenno, maybe 1 an hour sometimes?!]...

In case that's you, too, here are some freebies [NIV]:

* Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. - Proverbs 16:32

* Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

* May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had. - Romans 15:5

^^ That last one's a real doozy for me to swallow down sometimes, especially if the source of my perceived frustration is another human. Be Christlike to that guy?! - Yes.

Am I forgetting that I am guilty of causing some of these things to other people, also? I may have done so intentionally in the past, or unintentionally, and with the exception of death [aka murder, in this context], I can say I've been guilty of almost all of those I listed, and probably some others that I didn't. They're the same things that I as a mother teach my daughter not to do, not just because they're wrong, but because they are far from the way God calls us to live.

And so why would I have reason to think that a reminder of God - a father, sent his ONLY son, to become a martyr for the sake of the entire human race, right smack dab in the middle of us all acting like petulant children towards each other and ourselves. Certainly not one of our finer moments, and clearly not our last, and yet there He was, the only sinless one among us, martyred so that we could find the type of love and eternal life we ab.so.lutely didn't then and never will deserve.

So I'm impatient?

Self, you've made someone else wait for something before, too. 

I've been betrayed? 

Girl..... you've maybe been unintentional, but you've done it, too. 

Someone stole something from me? 

You were young and super dumb once, too. 

Someone physically injured me? 

What about the time YOU wrecked a car and sent yourself & 2 others to the hospital? 

Or those times in soccer that you put a player on the ground?

I've been lied to. 

Yikes. We get it. 

DESPITE aaaall those things, I am the reason that a parent sent his only child to die a gruesome, public death on a wooden cross. He loved me enough to transfer the consequence of sin [death] to His son, so that I could have life in return. That I could find redemption. Salvation. That I could be saved. I, along with the rest of us, am stumbling around blindly half the time, or in my less-savvy moments, literally drowning, because I chose to put a bag over my head or tie my arms to my side before jumping off the dock. I am the reason I deserve what He gives: forgiveness, and a chance every. single. day to start new and let love in.

So, tomorrow me, take a good look at this when that time comes and you're off pouting about whatever it is that's gotten under your skin, and remember that Christ died for you, because and in spite of the fact that you're a hot mess.

And that's awesome.

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 3: Real Strength. Real Trust.

Today was almost a 180 from yesterday, at least as far as the weather was concerned. Sydni's mid-afternoon soccer game wasn't lined with parents in parkas and players in [multiple & multi-colored] layers. It was sunny, beautiful and on the warmer side of brisk - kind of exactly what we all love about October here in Ohio.

So we started the day at church, which I have to admit was really.. not.. my favorite? It sounds strange sometimes to say that, but I think it's important to recognize that not every message will resonate in that powerful way we often hope or expect. Today was... well, maybe intended for someone else in another seat.. who knows.

We made a grocery run after soccer, came home and did some cleaning, blah blah blahhh..

I pulled out my list of verses for today, and was given this:

Psalm 28:7 - The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. [NIV]

I realize this list has a running theme, and that if I superficially dissect them daily, I'll be repeating a lot of the same things. I'll leave it up to anyone out there who would like to do so independently. Of course I will acknowledge that this verse speaks to the absolute nature of who our God is, and what He is, and how He is, and everything He does and doesn't do. It's neither the first nor last place in the Bible that an author has spoken in confidence of God's unwavering promise to never leave us, never forsake us.

So the obvious:
The Lord is my strength and shield, in the same way that a king in the time of David [the author, in this case] would be for his people.
And my heart trusts the Lord, he He does help me.

So I read this today, and immediately wanted to go  and tried to go another step beyond stating the obvious, and talk about confidence - mine specifically.

I'm a pretty confident person, on most days, in most areas. Given that I wear a number of hats in addition to human, I am also very susceptible to moments, days, seemingly-infinite spells of doubt. I don't want it, but the fact is it's pretty hard to ignore it 100% of the time.

What?

So I'm a mom. I'm a daughter. A sister. I'm a wife. A boss and a co-worker. An athlete and a teammate. A driver on the road. Passenger on a plane. I am a Christian. Do I count all of those as hats? Yes, I do, because while some of those things are who I am, some of them are also what I am, depending on that exact moment in time. Some of those hats I wear every single day [& night!], for hours at a time. Some of them I wear every once in a while, for just fleeting moments it seems. They're all unique in what they require of me, but they all have one thing in common: a choice of whether I will wear them with confidence, or with fear of how they will affect me. What they might make me. What they might give or take of me. And will I be able to stay resolute, however long that might be?

I. can't. even.. begin to count how many times as just a mom alone I've felt unsure. And unsure is a light way of putting it. All new moms [& dads] can relate to the idea of being tasked with the job of keeping another brand new human alive, and raising it to be a housebroken, contributing member of society. You don't think that could make someone doubt themselves?

As a daughter, a sister [or any type of relative, really], it's easy to feel inadequate, especially if your family dynamic is less than storybook. As a wife, I may be confident that my husband loves me, but am I always sure that I'm living up to being the type of wife that was talked about in yesterday's entry [the noble wife]? While I may not fear it, I do know that we will both let each other down and perhaps unintentionally hurt each other throughout the rest of this life we've promised to live together.

As an athlete, especially in my sport [soccer], the moments are certainly more instant and fleeting, but have I ever doubted that I'd be the one to screw up a play? That I'd be the reason the other team found the back of the net? Yes and yes, probably a thousand or more times over, and sometimes so much so that I believed it, gave way to it, and made expensive mistakes.

At work, I have those that look to me, those that expect from me, and those that will either capitalize on my mistakes or be at a disadvantage when they come. Not if, but when. The corporate world is certainly a place where precision is key, and if you think that I've never had a day of uncertainty or at least maybe a strong second guess about an executive decision .. well, I do. Sometimes daily. Sometimes multiple times daily.

Confidence is such a delicate thing to hold onto while wearing multiple hats.
But then there is the matter of professing - of claiming - this verse. Will I do it robotically, or will I actually stake claim to it and own the words as I say them, with full and total confidence that the God of whom I speak is in fact everything I say He is.

I have to actively believe that my strength - my real strength, comes from my belief that I was created to be loved, to love and to not just allow, but train my heart to trust in the life that is found in faith.

And I want to. And every day is another day of intentional efforts to rely less on me, and more on Him. It sounds... romantic, maybe, but I can assure you that if you've ever really had to push through disappointment, anger, anxiety, loss... whatever, in order to actively choose light, then you know that it is a discipline not learned in one day. It'll take me a lifetime to come close, and that's all I can do on my own. So in the meantime, I'm going to let go, and let God. Because I do trust Him, and He will help me.

And you, too!

Happy Sunday, loves.

xo | cms

"The Poison of Everything"

Today was a good day. To say it was "busy" is a gross understatement, but it was the good kind of busy: The kind that reminds me that the activity I push myself to accomplish daily - despite the inevitable hurdles to come with it - is an element in a bigger, beneficial picture. It's not all in vain, and it's hard now, but like any labor of love, will shine later as a finished piece built properly.

Today was a challenge. Again, a good challenge, but also the type that can so easily ignite that spark of doubt in my own abilities: patience, diligence, memory, etc. I'm doing the right things, but am I doing enough of them? Am I doing them quickly enough? Why am I not doing more??

These are questions that poison my productivity on days like today, when the schedule I've written for myself becomes so diluted with unexpected activity that there's only a few checkmarks on the whole thing at the end of the day.

The following is page 45 from Shauna Niequist's book, Savor. It's a 365-day devotional that I incorporate from time to time as I do my daily quiet time. Ironically enough, I didn't read this until after the work day had closed, but hey - isn't that just like our God - to give us the material we need at just the right time, to ensure that we will fully and wholly absorb it the way He intends?

****************************

Page 45. 

Dated February 9

The Poison of "Everything"

"What you are doing is not good... The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone."
- Exodus 18: 17-18

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.

One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction. 

Deciding what I want my life to be about isn't that hard. But deciding what I'm willing to give up for those things is like yoga for the superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside who exists only for what people think.

GOD IS the only one who can handle everything. Pray for a few moments, and give over to God the many things you've been carrying. 

 ****************************

So..... today is February 9th. Today was that particular collection of words that comprised exactly what I wanted but simultaneously don't want to hear. I have many character flaws, but the most prominent I'm certain, is my frequent and adamant inability at times to delegate. That word, to me, sets of an alarming illusion that I'm not doing my part. That I'm on the field but I'm not running. That I'm not pulling my weight, and that I'm forsaking whatever training and preparation I've invested into the task at hand, to be passive or lazy.

^^ Doesn't that sound delusional? Or, am I not the only one who's a control freak when it comes to the job that I'm paid to do, but sometimes feel is going to overpower me? I know I'm good at what I do, and that I'm making a difference, but days like today just make me feel like honestly, I'm not doing that thing I'm good at ... good enough.

It's a tough pill to swallow, and tastes a little like how I'd imagine a vinegar and brussel sprouts smoothie would taste, when I back down and ask for help. It's a PRIDE issue, that is ultimately a sin, being committed intentionally and defiantly by yours truly, when I refuse to accept help that is offered, for a task realistically too large for me to conquer alone.

In my defense, I've become much better at warding off the enticing charms of everything. I once was that girl who did what she could to oblige every request, and wound up on 3 different church committees, hosting a "small group" of 6 couples at her home weekly, rearranged personal errands and other time-sensitive things to assist on a project or a social gathering for someone's birthday - and volunteer immediately to bring literally anything that was needed. That was me. I wanted selfishly to feel like I was contributing, and wasn't satisfied until I'd successfully outdid... who, myself?!

Lame. But yeah, at any rate, I've made strides in that respect, and now it's time for me to recalibrate and make a concerted effort on relinquishing some of the workload. This applies for the office and home. I haven't indulged myself as much as I'd like [yet] with our church, I think for fear that I'll tumble head first like I've done before, wanting to help and contribute and volunteer and assist and cover and all those other things I did before that drained me of every last ounce of energy I had.

I needed this today. I need this tomorrow. I need this to pop up as a scheduled alert once every hour. I need to be reminded that the poison of everything is very much a reality in my world. I need to split that up in some things and only take on what I can manage.

On that note, I'll leave this here for tonight, and for anyone out there who needs to see the same thing I needed today. I hope it helps. I write these blogs for myself more than anyone else; this is an entry I'll be back to read.

Sending love, discernment and the ability to delegate.. your way, blogbots!

P.S. - Yes, today was the snowiest we've had in a while, and it was beautiful. Messy, but beautiful. Kinda like... the rest of my life. And that's just fine with me :).

 

Happy Tuesday, all of you. See you tomorrow! 

  

xo | cmd

HELLO, MAY!

It's MAY!

I'll spare you the Timberlake/N*Sync memes today; I got mine in yesterday, hah ;).

So YEAH, it's Friday, it's May 1st, and today was... awesome.

To start off, the sun was out. That doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but when you live in OHIO, in MAY, the weather can be doing any number of things other than being tolerable. The good vibe was set for the day, and it grew better and better as the day wore on.

Elisa and I escaped the monotony of work for the traditional Friday lunch; Northside was our destination, and after a beautiful back patio timeout with delicious chicken wraps at Melt, we stopped by Sidewinder for some iced coffee.

not too bad for a day in the city! ♥

And when you're in Northside at Sidewinder, you don't not go to Chicken Lays an Egg right across the street. In fact, you go and you try on all the sunglasses. Because they're awesome, that's why!

stolen from e's IG

snazzy. 

Love.
Work ended, and the routine led me into Milford to pick up Sydni. She was out within 10 minutes of the car ride home, like usual, but not before giving the universe another priceless kid quote:

Syd: Mommy, is tomorrow my day off? 
Me: Yes; it's Saturday! That means you get to sleep in! 
Syd: YEAH. It means we can do whateeeever we want! Except play with knives.
Me: Yeah... ummm.. except that. 
Syd: Perfect. Don't wake me up tomorrow morning. 

^ Gotta love kids, hahaha. Not five minutes after she said that, this happened: 

zonked. 

We made it home only to change our clothes and head right back out the door; Rob had the excellent idea to take an evening hike before dinner. I thought that was an amazing idea, so we headed out to Withrow for a short jaunt around the property, which culminated at an overlook to the Ohio River. 

giant tree... perfect for climbing! 

little nature girly

Back in the car, our bellies were rumbling; we voted a Friday night family dinner date in Eastgate, but not before a pitstop at Family Christian. To my heart;s joy, not only did I find a new 365 devotional, but so did ROB! ♥♥ This is a pretty big step for us to do together, and I'm prayfully confident that there is growth beyond measure in store for both of us.

#truuuuuuuuuth.

We finally made it to dinner before heading home for a few minutes of unwind before bed. It's been a long and fulfilling day; my heart is happy with my simple little life  and I'm anxious to see what tomorrow has in store!

xo | cmd 

2013 is Halfway Over?!

Firssssssssssst....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HILARY!!!

♥ you hillsy!

This girl.... haha. I love her and I hope she has a fantastic birthday. Hills, you've earned nothing but the best for your birthday and I hope you and little Julian [okay, so maybe he's not so little anymore] had an amazing time today. Say hello to another girl I've known since middle school, fought with like sisters in high school, and made up after that to get back to being friends (:


ouch. ouch. ouch. :(

And now we're all grown up. Happy birthday, beautiful friend! I promise I'll make it back to Mt.V and see you, soon soon soon.

As for me, well, this has been another day of rest and relaxation, and a few chores... and a bajillion mosquito bites. If I've learned anything around here, it's that this is a safe haven for those little critters and in the process of line-drying my laundry, they pulled a sneak ambush and got the best of me.

Mosquitos - 1. My poor legs - Zilch.

So.... that was fun...

I spent the rest of today tidying up the house, installing the rest of the shelves to the units in the living room, arranging all of my arts/crafts stuff into a manageable, searchable system, and just reveling in the beauty of the day. There was even a little visitor on my mailbox that I paused to photograph, since I don't see many of him around these days... 

hi!

Yep. A paced and relaxing yet productive Sunday. I even managed to squeeze in a short jog before the weather reared its mane for a thunderstorm. I'm settling in now on the couch with every intention on not lifting a finger for what's left of today. It's going to be a short week with a hectic weekend, so I'm absorbing this downtime while I can (:

See you tomorrow for the week!

xo | cmd

"The Sky is His Resume"

So this is from yesterday's devotional from my little Max Lucado study:
_________

God can do all things.
~ Mt. 19:26


... and he soars above ....



Nature is God's workshop. The sky is his resume. The universe is his calling card. You want to know who God is? See what he has done. You want to know his power? Take a look at his creation. Curious about his strengths? Pay a visit to his home address: 1 Billion Starry Sky Avenue.

He is untainted by the atmosphere of sin, unbridled by the time line of history, unhindered by the weariness of the body.

What controls you doesn't control Him. What troubles you doesn't trouble Him. What fatigues you doesn't fatigue Him. Is an eagle disturbed by traffic? No, he rises above it. Is the whale perturbed by a hurricane? Of course not, he plunges beneath it. Is the lion flustered by the mouse standing directly in his way? No, he steps over it.

How much more is God able to soar above, plunge beneath, and step over the troubles of the earth!

~ The Great House of God

________

I love the line, the sky is His resume. How true. I thought about this one a lot today, and how all the things in this world are either His or allowed by His permission. Pretty humbling.

Things to ponder.  Things to remember.

xo | cmd