She Loves - Series Day 3: Real Strength. Real Trust.

Today was almost a 180 from yesterday, at least as far as the weather was concerned. Sydni's mid-afternoon soccer game wasn't lined with parents in parkas and players in [multiple & multi-colored] layers. It was sunny, beautiful and on the warmer side of brisk - kind of exactly what we all love about October here in Ohio.

So we started the day at church, which I have to admit was really.. not.. my favorite? It sounds strange sometimes to say that, but I think it's important to recognize that not every message will resonate in that powerful way we often hope or expect. Today was... well, maybe intended for someone else in another seat.. who knows.

We made a grocery run after soccer, came home and did some cleaning, blah blah blahhh..

I pulled out my list of verses for today, and was given this:

Psalm 28:7 - The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. [NIV]

I realize this list has a running theme, and that if I superficially dissect them daily, I'll be repeating a lot of the same things. I'll leave it up to anyone out there who would like to do so independently. Of course I will acknowledge that this verse speaks to the absolute nature of who our God is, and what He is, and how He is, and everything He does and doesn't do. It's neither the first nor last place in the Bible that an author has spoken in confidence of God's unwavering promise to never leave us, never forsake us.

So the obvious:
The Lord is my strength and shield, in the same way that a king in the time of David [the author, in this case] would be for his people.
And my heart trusts the Lord, he He does help me.

So I read this today, and immediately wanted to go  and tried to go another step beyond stating the obvious, and talk about confidence - mine specifically.

I'm a pretty confident person, on most days, in most areas. Given that I wear a number of hats in addition to human, I am also very susceptible to moments, days, seemingly-infinite spells of doubt. I don't want it, but the fact is it's pretty hard to ignore it 100% of the time.

What?

So I'm a mom. I'm a daughter. A sister. I'm a wife. A boss and a co-worker. An athlete and a teammate. A driver on the road. Passenger on a plane. I am a Christian. Do I count all of those as hats? Yes, I do, because while some of those things are who I am, some of them are also what I am, depending on that exact moment in time. Some of those hats I wear every single day [& night!], for hours at a time. Some of them I wear every once in a while, for just fleeting moments it seems. They're all unique in what they require of me, but they all have one thing in common: a choice of whether I will wear them with confidence, or with fear of how they will affect me. What they might make me. What they might give or take of me. And will I be able to stay resolute, however long that might be?

I. can't. even.. begin to count how many times as just a mom alone I've felt unsure. And unsure is a light way of putting it. All new moms [& dads] can relate to the idea of being tasked with the job of keeping another brand new human alive, and raising it to be a housebroken, contributing member of society. You don't think that could make someone doubt themselves?

As a daughter, a sister [or any type of relative, really], it's easy to feel inadequate, especially if your family dynamic is less than storybook. As a wife, I may be confident that my husband loves me, but am I always sure that I'm living up to being the type of wife that was talked about in yesterday's entry [the noble wife]? While I may not fear it, I do know that we will both let each other down and perhaps unintentionally hurt each other throughout the rest of this life we've promised to live together.

As an athlete, especially in my sport [soccer], the moments are certainly more instant and fleeting, but have I ever doubted that I'd be the one to screw up a play? That I'd be the reason the other team found the back of the net? Yes and yes, probably a thousand or more times over, and sometimes so much so that I believed it, gave way to it, and made expensive mistakes.

At work, I have those that look to me, those that expect from me, and those that will either capitalize on my mistakes or be at a disadvantage when they come. Not if, but when. The corporate world is certainly a place where precision is key, and if you think that I've never had a day of uncertainty or at least maybe a strong second guess about an executive decision .. well, I do. Sometimes daily. Sometimes multiple times daily.

Confidence is such a delicate thing to hold onto while wearing multiple hats.
But then there is the matter of professing - of claiming - this verse. Will I do it robotically, or will I actually stake claim to it and own the words as I say them, with full and total confidence that the God of whom I speak is in fact everything I say He is.

I have to actively believe that my strength - my real strength, comes from my belief that I was created to be loved, to love and to not just allow, but train my heart to trust in the life that is found in faith.

And I want to. And every day is another day of intentional efforts to rely less on me, and more on Him. It sounds... romantic, maybe, but I can assure you that if you've ever really had to push through disappointment, anger, anxiety, loss... whatever, in order to actively choose light, then you know that it is a discipline not learned in one day. It'll take me a lifetime to come close, and that's all I can do on my own. So in the meantime, I'm going to let go, and let God. Because I do trust Him, and He will help me.

And you, too!

Happy Sunday, loves.

xo | cms