She Loves - Series Day 9: Just Me :)

Happy kinda-almost-Halloween, blogbots! If you're anything like us, your trick-or-treat night was tonight, because Halloween itself is on a Monday [aka work & school]night, and half of us lack either the time or energy - or both - for that. And yes, we trick-or-treat on Halloween not because we are demonic, but because we enjoy fun costumes, hanging out with friends and bringing in hauls of candy. [I was recently warned by someone that Halloween is not something a Christian family should celebrate; this is perhaps a conversation for another day, but I'll say this - I appreciate the weigh in, and understand the argument, but I don't agree. Connect with me directly if you want to dialogue on it!]

soccer tourney!

ANYWAY, we obliged an invitation an hour north by our friends Shayne & Cassie, and after a morning of soccer here in Cincinnati, we rested up for the long night ahead of us. There is something to be said about the excitement kids find in trick-or-treating. It's a community effort, and in some cases a rather extravagant one. We as adults reminisce on all the times our parents trailed us through neighborhoods as we willingly walked miles of residential sidewalk and driveway for chocolate and other varieties that very well could've sucked our teeth out.  I did that tonight with my own daughter, whose ballerina costume earned her several compliments, and an equal collection of Reese Cups [everybody wins!].

awww, flashbacks to jamaica!
the kittles. the stokes. the gills.

1 Corinthians 15:10 - 

By the grace of God,
I am what I am. 

This I think is ultra-fitting today, because as we get into costume as someone [or something] else, it's not permanent and it doesn't change who we are.

trick or treating 2016

I was reminded today of the novelty in being that other thing - even just briefly. As our kids meandered around the neighborhood- this pocket-sized battalion of story & comic book characters, I was struck with appreciation for: 

- all the times our parents braved trick-or-treating with us as kids, which IF I REMEMBER, was WAY more of a bloodsport for kids than it is now. I'm serious. I can't be the only one that remembers savage battles with sibling or friend over who got to ring the doorbell first. Kids these days are so... polite. Weird.

- all those times our parents had to take us trick-or-treating, in weather that sucked. Also something we're all politely choosing to ignore: I don't remember one single childhood Halloween when we didn't have to modify our costumes to fit over everything but the snowsuit itself. Today it was a very nice 65ish degreese outside, without a cloud in the sky. I said a silent thank-you for it.

- the fact that trick-or-treating is still a very real past-time, and that I get to share this with my daughter.

Rob and I didn't dress up this year. Really, we could've planned for something, but whether by lack of time or inadequate incentive, it just didn't happen. We're fine with that, but honestly, I agonized over the idea of not dressing up for longer than was really necessary. I get the festive spirit from my mother, who loves taking participation to a new level every time, not because she's competitive, but because she legitimately loves to be wholly entrenched in the spirit of whatever it is she's there to celebrate [Renaissance Festivals, if you need an example].

I didn't have a huge epiphany tonight, if that's what you thought I was going to say.. no. I didn't. I do however, think there's no better time than today to have this verse as an underlying reminder that we can dress up as anything under the sun that we can imagine, but it doesn't change who we are. This mama is learning every day to take and keep ownership of the mess she is, day in and day out, and embracing the idea that I am what I am, and every bit of it - both good and bad, by the grace of God.

excuse my face.. i was chewing.. haha

I hope all of you out there collecting candy, peering through little eye-holes in your mask, or bargaining all night with an itchy wig - I hope ya'll are having a blast, staying safe and spending some quality time with your crew. 

Happy Kinda Halloween! ;) 

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 8: Worry Not

Philippians 4:6-8 - Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. [NIV]

I cheated today and read this at the beginning of the day. I needed it today; Friday started off feeling more like a Monday, and an ugly one at that. With several fires to put out before the 9:00 hour was even over, it seemed liked I had a target painted on my forehead that I didn't know about.

Fortunately, I had the chance to step away from the desk for about 30 minutes to bid See-you-later to Mare, Derrek & Cooper before they embarked on the 12ish-hour journey back to Vermont.

cooper!
[& humans.]

I am grateful that Cooper's new humans [aka Mare & Derrek] included us as part of their journey to get him, affording us a small but invaluable window of time to spend with good friends. The next time we'll see you, buddy, you'll be a giant! 

Back at work, I started the process of detangling the web of ridiculously unnecessary problems created by irresponsible people temporary inconveniences that are part of the nature of my line of work... always a process. I was pleasantly interrupted by an unexpected visitor:

hiiiiiiiii! 

I gotta tell ya, if ever I believe there is too much on my plate for me to handle in a sane way, God reminds me that He's got this, and plugs all those leaking holes in the ship with good people, good fortune and a gentle, stern reminder of this: Quit your worrying, girl, and tell me what you need. 

Talk about a direct answer.

That girl up there [Becky] has been my goal when it comes to adventurous spirits. Among my small inner circle, she is the one who obliges her inner adventure the majority of the time. She somehow balances adulting with recreation, usually in some service-minded, bigger picture kind of way. If you've never heard me describe her impact on my life in a few sentences, here it is: She's my R.A. from freshman year at UC, teammate on both college & rec soccer teams, mentor, friend and peer. She made me run every step of Nippert stadium in one pass, forced us to do annual blood drives and pushed me to my physical limits in training more than once... and we're still friends ;). She is selfless, compassionate and is both the most patient and impatient person I've ever met.

And there are some big [new] adventures on her plate, fast-approaching and in no means minor. One of the many reasons I respect her so is that in spite of her constantly taking life by its horns and dragging it behind her, she is still human, and is still able to acknowledge very human tendencies to worry or excessively weigh out the future. The unknown. The what-ifs. And then she shrugs and takes off head-first into that unknown. And 9 times out of 10, comes back without regret.

And I think today I needed her to swoop in - literally. It felt as though I couldn't shake a lingering sense of frustration through the work day: one of those days that hands you an interruption just about every time you try to get something done, ya know? Where everyone has an emergency, and people prove that their word and bond mean about as much as hot air in a pillowcase - ya know?? *Sigh.

Stop worrying. Stop rushing for one second and let the seconds come to you. Pray. Listen. Breathe. 

I wasn't sure how today was going to play out, but it ended just fine, because that is what happens when I start over-dramatizing things. I had more valleys and plateaus today than peaks, but I'm certain that's how it's supposed to be. We are not to worry, because that's not just useless - we're specifically instructed not to.

Today I am thankful for chicken + waffles, road trippers, baby German Shepherds, adventurous spirits and the not-so-subtle reminders that all. is. well. ♥

Happy Friday, bots!

xo | cms 

She Loves - Series Day 7: Stay & Rest

Psalm 9:1 - Under His wings you will find refuge. [NIV]

So I'll admit, we're only 7 days into this and I really didn't feel particularly drawn to any immediate correlation for this verse and my life, at least today. That's not to say there never has been, but that's the reality of scripture - while it is wonderful, there will be times when specific passages just don't speak to you in that Richter scale kinda way.

And I believe that's okay. I believe it's normal, and natural, because if we force something to fit, it's not authentic. So yes, I believe today's verse is without question an indisputable declaration, and I have in fact sought out the exact type of shelter it's referencing. I've been so broken that I thought I'd never find my way back to willingly getting out of bed the next day, and as much as I'd love to say I was resilient on my own accord, that's not the case.

But today, many miles later and in between valleys, I can say that I read that and smiled at being reminded of it, but didn't feel the deep sigh as though I had desperately needed it.

Today, at least. And I am thankful for that .

I do however have a praise to share! Tonight was the first night for me and Sydni [disclaimer: yes, I realize I just created grammatical treason; I did it on purpose ;)] to go together to the SonRise peace center to fill bags for our church's backpack ministry. I had major proud mama smiles as we made our rounds through the line. We talked about what we were doing, and that these bags are for kids just like her, but who perhaps wouldn't get to eat anything yummy on the weekends outside of the school cafeterias. I've said it before but I'll say it again - this little girl's heart is bigger than the ocean is wide sometimes, and it was everything we could do tonight to keep her from literally running through the person in front of her - she wanted to fill 'a thousand bags, Mom' so that 'no kids get hungry this weekend!' < GOSH.♥

be.still.my.heart.

 After backpack, we headed home, where Mare & Derrek met us after their day gallivanting around Cincinnati with Cooper.

cooper!
[& stella's waggy butt :p]

We grilled out, spent quality time as a happy household of young and adult humans and dogs, and finished up the night huddled under blankets in the basement watching Captain America: Civil War.  

[minus rob, stella & syd]

Perhaps you stumbled here looking for some eloquent parallel around this verse; I'm sorry I may have disappointed there, but that should not miniaturize at all the promise behind it. If you really did need that today, then I encourage you to go and read it on your own, and pray for open eye and heart for how you might be drawn to related scripture and let it speak to you in the way that you need. 

We were happy to host our traveling friends tonight, and although I am NOT saying our home would never equal the refuge God provides, I can hope it did prove a humble place for them to rest, if in no other way than literally. 

I hope you find rest throughout this week, whether it's serious or not. Breathe, pray, give thanks. Repeat. 

Happy Midweek! 

xo | cmd

She Loves - Series Day 6: Speak Light

Proverbs 31:26 - She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. [NIV]

So.... Are you readin' this, self? I mean, I know you're reading it, but are you listening?

Wheeeere to start and what to say with this one, huh. I read this today, and while I don't think? I've said anything extraordinarily stupid today, I can definitely say my days of unwise and misguided verbal vomit are-a-plenty. Also.. italics. So dramatic. :|

This is the verse after my mantra verse, from the other day on the list as well, which is part of a big picture descriptive of the Noble Wife. While verse 25 speaks to her inner edification, this encompasses how she expresses her character.

I'm by no means a strong verbalizer when it comes to politics. If there's ever been a more appropriate time to understand the impact we have with the words we speak and what that reflects about who we are. It is... so much more than whatever candidate you're supporting as we near the election. I think we can all agree that regardless of what social media platform you use, or if it's even online at all, decisions of this magnitude have always delivered to us the ugliest versions of ourselves and those around us.

election 2016

Since the presidential campaigning started, my newsfeed has been a collection of wedding photo albums and political banter. Literally two polar opposites. The first a reel of people celebrating love & unity, and the latter divisive, intentionally brutal and defaming words against the other opponent and anyone in support of said opponent. And in a lot of cases, you can find both on the same person's page.

So here we are, raising kids, trying to be decent humans among our peers and especially to our kids, with the ever-growing pressure to speak out about         (you name it)         . To have a voice. A backbone. A position.

And frankly, I am a firm believer in doing exactly that: standing up for what we believe to be true, right and real. I believe that if I'm losing anything, it won't be without a passionate fight. But therein lies the trap of getting from the start to finish line without falling prey to saying things we know we don't mean, attacking people out of misguided emotion, and in the wake, leaving behind a trail of who we really are when the stakes are high and the pressure is real.

I want to segue from there to a quick brag moment, on one of my closest and most... enduring friends. This girl and her boyfriend arrived late tonight after driving 12+ hours to pick up their new puppy in Indiana. They started in Vermont before the sun was up, and pulled up to our house long after the darkness had settled in.

mare & the newest member of her clan: cooper! 

I'll try to keep this concise, but there are a few things that the world should know about Mare:
She's a veteran of both the military and of life. She has been to the edge of hell, and came back. She's damaged because of it, and doesn't pretend not to be. She's the exact opposite, actually. It took a whole lot of digging out of emotional and psychological pits for her to find solid ground, and some days are still better than others. She is the picture of resilience, in her own fantastic way. In my opinion, she is a wonderfully restored soul, who has slowly forged new and rewarding paths as a result of chaos or conflict, instead of allowing them to erase her. I am thankful to serve the same God that replenishes people like her - like all of us, and honored to call him my own saving grace.

I have admired this about my friend since the day I met her, and I am very proud to say that when I find myself cornered by my own human nature, she is among the small handful of people on whom I can count to provide me a perfectly portioned, side-by-side serving of empathy and uncomfortable [but exact] wisdom. As I say this though, let me add the caveat that it's not solely because she's "been through it," but because this girl is also one of the strongest Christians I know. And one of the most broken. And because of that, because she has seen the redemptive power of giving all of that brokenness, all of the darkness, all of everything, to a God who is bigger than we can even imagine... and has found light in return. That is why I am proud to call her my friend, but beyond that, I have seen the proof of God's presence in her life, and how that continues every day to transform her more and more into a woman of noble character. When she gives advice, I know it is driven by scripture - by truth, by experience and by faith. I have faith it will usually be wise.

One definition of Wisdom is literally this:
Knowledge of  what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; ... discernment or insight. 

How do we even begin to separate right from wrong? How do we develop healthy discernment [versus unhealthy paranoia]? In real time, right now, how do we channel our beliefs on what is right or wrong into an expression that aligns with who we want to be as a human, as an example?

All. good. questions.
And no, guys, I don't have all those answers. Sorry. I am only as wise as the research I do on my own. The guidance I seek from those more-seasoned than me. My faith can only be anchored as far as I'm willing to "test the saints." I'm nothing more than a speck on the map, and a URL on the world wide web... but my not-so-secret plan to leave my mark as a Christian daughter, mother, sister, wife, friend, coworker, teammate and stranger is this:

I will trust that with every.single.day, the mercies I don't deserve are brand new. I will believe that all humans - myself most absoluuuutely included, are broken to some degree on the spectrum. I legitimately do believe that the majority of the people that at least I know, while varying in political, religious, economic, professional, social [etc. etc.!] positions, want what they believe is best not just for them, but for those around them. I like to think they believe whole-heartedly in the things they choose to advocate publicly. I don't and won't agree with some of them. I agree with others. I choose to respect both. I will participate only in conversations that I am confident I am prepared to have, with the understanding that nobody is better than me, nor I than anyone else. When I inevitably agree-to-disagree with anyone, it will be because we have different but equally-educated positions on the matter at hand.

And I will speak wisely, with respect and love.
And I will not always succeed. And I will use the failed attempts as fuel to develop my own self-control and discernment. And I will have good and bad days. And I will teach my daughter the value of both. And she will fail. And then she'll succeed. And we'll rely through it all on our God who has already seen the coming days. We will pray, and we will listen.

My hope is that you all have a friend in your life like Mare. Or maybe you are that friend. Most importantly, I encourage you to reach this entire chapter in Proverbs. See where it leads you! To recognize the fact that every single one of us is capable of finding and embracing wisdom, love and light is crazy incredible. I know this entry seemed a little scattered, but I'm far from checking off 'figured it out' off the list. So in the meantime, I'll make conscious efforts to speak wisdom, and with faithful instruction when it's my turn.

Happy midweek - love you blogbots!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 5: Be Brave

I'm having a major Aha moment as I get ready to write this. JLKRU#*$&(PQDE. Seriously, this one made me laugh audibly, because I was literally so, so wrong.

So just when I thought yesterday, 'tomorrow's verse will probably be me repeating everything I've said today,' God stepped in and proved otherwise. I mean, technically He didn't step in; He was was already there, knowing this miniature lesson would happen long before I was even born. Kind of like a curvy road, where you are certain there's a hairpin turn just over that hill, but instead it's a stop sign at a 4-way intersection? [I'm all about analogies, folks]. But yeah, this is kinda like that. The road didn't step in to change its course; it was already there.

And perhaps that's way deeper an analogy than is needed for this [actually it is], but whatever. TODAY was normal for the most part, or at least the version of normal that is normal for us. And then we got home, and Sydni said something in rebuttal on why she did something: "MYOB," she muttered. Days before this she'd told me that at school, this acronym means, Mind Your Own Business. There was of course immediate reprimanding, which in this case meant standing in a corner for 7 minutes, loss of iPad privileges and a conversation at the end to discuss why it was said, why we have consequences and why we don't behave like that in the future.

seven, sassy... sydni ♥

I was fully prepared to put on my stern but forgiving mom face, because that's what I've learned generally works for these things, but no less than 30 seconds into our Come here and talk with me chat, my 7-year-old started opening up to me about everything that's weighed on her heart from school over the past couple weeks. She shared with me that she has a couple of good friends, but also has bullies in her class. Through tears not because of our earlier encounter at home, she told me she is sad because people are mean and although she tries to be nice to them, she gets angry and is sometimes mean in return. And she doesn't like being mean, and she doesn't know how to stop being angry when it's happening and that she knows she's not being a good example. And she doesn't feel like anyone else is trying to be a good example, and it's hard being the only one.

And in that moment, I crumbled. I cringed at the harsh words that other children use with each other. With how that makes her feel. With the part of her innocence that is peeling away layer by layer, because she is doing something completely natural: Growing up. With the fact that there's nothing I can do to console her in these moments, because she has her mother's stubborn tendencies when she's upset.

We talked at the foot of the staircase for almost an hour. I grappled with two channels running simultaneously in my mind: one of all the ugliness I've seen up to this point as an adult, resulting from the pressures and perceived unrealistic expectations of this world. I've seen people give in, give up, or lose themselves entirely. The other of my daughter - my child, who is still waiting on her adult teeth to grow in, experiencing and processing through new, uncomfortable emotions for the first time.

She told me kids call her dumb, an idiot and stupid. 

As a parent, there were several different emotions I experienced in that split second. Let's be real: Biting my tongue from nobody who was actually in room is tough. I listened as she bared her heart to me, and prayed that I would find the right words to say. She is my first [and only, for now] child, so every day is very much new for both of us. We are learning as we go, and honestly, I swallowed down more than a few knots of almost-fear and discouragement as we sat and talked. How do I handle this?! How do I help her feel better? HOW am I supposed to protect her?! 

And then that still small voice said [very directly] to me exactly what I hadn't realized was on today's list for verses:

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. [NIV]

Again, my Aha moment.
Heck yeah I was uncomfortable tonight, trying to be the strong when my child was weak. I didn't have the answer to her problem. My suggestions weren't what was needed. What was needed was for her to talk it out, get it off her chest, and be reminded in the end by me that she is NONE of the things she is called by other kids. She was reminded just.how.much she is loved and adored by her family, her friends, her neighbors, her Sunday school class, etc... and more and most importantly by Jesus. I told my daughter how incredibly proud I was of her not for how she did or didn't behave at school, but for being brave enough to tell me things that, for her, are painful. I told her that being brave looks like a lot of different things. It could be her not letting a bully push someone around. It could be her helping someone else when it's not convenient for her. And in this and SO.MANY.OTHER cases, it's being brave enough to stand up for herself because she believes in herself.

And so, Moms... and Dads.. and everyone else who has ever been the shoulder cried onto - or on some days, the crier - have we not forgotten what we've been commanded to do? It's not a suggestion. It's not a recommended best practice. It's a command. We are called to put unconditional faith in Him, which as a result mutes fear, quenches discouragement and above all, creates the type of inner strength and courage to believe we are beautiful. We are worth it. We are fearfully & wonderfully made.

So be brave today. And tomorrow.
And if you can't, find someone who can be brave for you - because hey, there is no story in which the hero is brave every single day. There is no happy ending that didn't have a valley in the middle. And there will always be those other kids - whether they're literally kids, or adults whose behavior looks eerily similar. I didn't think I was going to be brave tonight, but somehow, we managed.

And that's all we can do sometimes.

A SIDENOTE: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was "officially" last month, but here's the deal: November 14th will mark 7 years of having lost a very close friend to the grips of suicide. She was a beautiful friend, soon-to-be mother, daughter and sister. She fought her battle and lost. And because of that, we lost. We lost her, and we lost our chance to carry her through the days when she could not be brave. If you are her: on the verge of giving up and giving in, I can only say this: The people who love you - who really, truly love you, are in greater numbers than you know. The people who care for not just your well-being, but your life - are all around you. You may not even know some of them yet. But they - WE - are here, and if it's one of us that you need to talk to, please... please.. please..... please just.. ask. We are broken humans, just like you, but on at least one day, we needed someone else to be brave for us. Joshua 1:9 - Please do NOT be afraid, because in your loneliest moment, you are still loved. 

As I told my daughter tonight: I will choose to be brave today, because I might need you to be tomorrow.
♥♥♥♥

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 4: I'm Loved at My Darkest

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [NIV]

That's today's verse from the list.

Yes, it's pretty cut and dry, I think, in clearly defining exactly how much God loves us. Those of us who grew up hearing the gospel might not find gravity in this every time we see it, because we've seen it so much. We have busy lives, responsibilities and distractions pulling us in different directions all the time. We understand this to be an absolute truth; in my case, when I need that extra push in the right direction, I usually set off to find a verse more specifically targeted for whatever challenge I'm trying to muddle my way through.

Discouragement, loss, impatience, betrayal, injury, sickness, death, etc. I don't like any of those words. There are verses that speak about all those things throughout the Bible, so when I'm facing those things, that's where I go. I don't go to this verse automatically, but the irony is that it's one of the first things I should remember, in my moments of anger, sadness and guilt. Yes, I probably do need that memo about patience [or 3, or 5, or yenno, maybe 1 an hour sometimes?!]...

In case that's you, too, here are some freebies [NIV]:

* Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. - Proverbs 16:32

* Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

* May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had. - Romans 15:5

^^ That last one's a real doozy for me to swallow down sometimes, especially if the source of my perceived frustration is another human. Be Christlike to that guy?! - Yes.

Am I forgetting that I am guilty of causing some of these things to other people, also? I may have done so intentionally in the past, or unintentionally, and with the exception of death [aka murder, in this context], I can say I've been guilty of almost all of those I listed, and probably some others that I didn't. They're the same things that I as a mother teach my daughter not to do, not just because they're wrong, but because they are far from the way God calls us to live.

And so why would I have reason to think that a reminder of God - a father, sent his ONLY son, to become a martyr for the sake of the entire human race, right smack dab in the middle of us all acting like petulant children towards each other and ourselves. Certainly not one of our finer moments, and clearly not our last, and yet there He was, the only sinless one among us, martyred so that we could find the type of love and eternal life we ab.so.lutely didn't then and never will deserve.

So I'm impatient?

Self, you've made someone else wait for something before, too. 

I've been betrayed? 

Girl..... you've maybe been unintentional, but you've done it, too. 

Someone stole something from me? 

You were young and super dumb once, too. 

Someone physically injured me? 

What about the time YOU wrecked a car and sent yourself & 2 others to the hospital? 

Or those times in soccer that you put a player on the ground?

I've been lied to. 

Yikes. We get it. 

DESPITE aaaall those things, I am the reason that a parent sent his only child to die a gruesome, public death on a wooden cross. He loved me enough to transfer the consequence of sin [death] to His son, so that I could have life in return. That I could find redemption. Salvation. That I could be saved. I, along with the rest of us, am stumbling around blindly half the time, or in my less-savvy moments, literally drowning, because I chose to put a bag over my head or tie my arms to my side before jumping off the dock. I am the reason I deserve what He gives: forgiveness, and a chance every. single. day to start new and let love in.

So, tomorrow me, take a good look at this when that time comes and you're off pouting about whatever it is that's gotten under your skin, and remember that Christ died for you, because and in spite of the fact that you're a hot mess.

And that's awesome.

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 3: Real Strength. Real Trust.

Today was almost a 180 from yesterday, at least as far as the weather was concerned. Sydni's mid-afternoon soccer game wasn't lined with parents in parkas and players in [multiple & multi-colored] layers. It was sunny, beautiful and on the warmer side of brisk - kind of exactly what we all love about October here in Ohio.

So we started the day at church, which I have to admit was really.. not.. my favorite? It sounds strange sometimes to say that, but I think it's important to recognize that not every message will resonate in that powerful way we often hope or expect. Today was... well, maybe intended for someone else in another seat.. who knows.

We made a grocery run after soccer, came home and did some cleaning, blah blah blahhh..

I pulled out my list of verses for today, and was given this:

Psalm 28:7 - The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. [NIV]

I realize this list has a running theme, and that if I superficially dissect them daily, I'll be repeating a lot of the same things. I'll leave it up to anyone out there who would like to do so independently. Of course I will acknowledge that this verse speaks to the absolute nature of who our God is, and what He is, and how He is, and everything He does and doesn't do. It's neither the first nor last place in the Bible that an author has spoken in confidence of God's unwavering promise to never leave us, never forsake us.

So the obvious:
The Lord is my strength and shield, in the same way that a king in the time of David [the author, in this case] would be for his people.
And my heart trusts the Lord, he He does help me.

So I read this today, and immediately wanted to go  and tried to go another step beyond stating the obvious, and talk about confidence - mine specifically.

I'm a pretty confident person, on most days, in most areas. Given that I wear a number of hats in addition to human, I am also very susceptible to moments, days, seemingly-infinite spells of doubt. I don't want it, but the fact is it's pretty hard to ignore it 100% of the time.

What?

So I'm a mom. I'm a daughter. A sister. I'm a wife. A boss and a co-worker. An athlete and a teammate. A driver on the road. Passenger on a plane. I am a Christian. Do I count all of those as hats? Yes, I do, because while some of those things are who I am, some of them are also what I am, depending on that exact moment in time. Some of those hats I wear every single day [& night!], for hours at a time. Some of them I wear every once in a while, for just fleeting moments it seems. They're all unique in what they require of me, but they all have one thing in common: a choice of whether I will wear them with confidence, or with fear of how they will affect me. What they might make me. What they might give or take of me. And will I be able to stay resolute, however long that might be?

I. can't. even.. begin to count how many times as just a mom alone I've felt unsure. And unsure is a light way of putting it. All new moms [& dads] can relate to the idea of being tasked with the job of keeping another brand new human alive, and raising it to be a housebroken, contributing member of society. You don't think that could make someone doubt themselves?

As a daughter, a sister [or any type of relative, really], it's easy to feel inadequate, especially if your family dynamic is less than storybook. As a wife, I may be confident that my husband loves me, but am I always sure that I'm living up to being the type of wife that was talked about in yesterday's entry [the noble wife]? While I may not fear it, I do know that we will both let each other down and perhaps unintentionally hurt each other throughout the rest of this life we've promised to live together.

As an athlete, especially in my sport [soccer], the moments are certainly more instant and fleeting, but have I ever doubted that I'd be the one to screw up a play? That I'd be the reason the other team found the back of the net? Yes and yes, probably a thousand or more times over, and sometimes so much so that I believed it, gave way to it, and made expensive mistakes.

At work, I have those that look to me, those that expect from me, and those that will either capitalize on my mistakes or be at a disadvantage when they come. Not if, but when. The corporate world is certainly a place where precision is key, and if you think that I've never had a day of uncertainty or at least maybe a strong second guess about an executive decision .. well, I do. Sometimes daily. Sometimes multiple times daily.

Confidence is such a delicate thing to hold onto while wearing multiple hats.
But then there is the matter of professing - of claiming - this verse. Will I do it robotically, or will I actually stake claim to it and own the words as I say them, with full and total confidence that the God of whom I speak is in fact everything I say He is.

I have to actively believe that my strength - my real strength, comes from my belief that I was created to be loved, to love and to not just allow, but train my heart to trust in the life that is found in faith.

And I want to. And every day is another day of intentional efforts to rely less on me, and more on Him. It sounds... romantic, maybe, but I can assure you that if you've ever really had to push through disappointment, anger, anxiety, loss... whatever, in order to actively choose light, then you know that it is a discipline not learned in one day. It'll take me a lifetime to come close, and that's all I can do on my own. So in the meantime, I'm going to let go, and let God. Because I do trust Him, and He will help me.

And you, too!

Happy Sunday, loves.

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 2: Confidence!

Of all the things I really wanted to do on a Saturday morning, I'd say getting out of bed and being at the BMV by 8am is not on among them. However, I can now add 'Be the first person that day to be serviced at the BMV' to the list - that's never been me before and until Sydni starts driving, I can assure you it won't ever be again.

The ladies at the BMV are so much friendlier first thing in the morning, having not been jaded by a day's worth of people standing in line right in front of them. They were so accommodating that they offered to retake my new driver's license picture, if I didn't like it [I waived the offer, but when does that ever happen?], and in under 10 minutes, I'd filled out new paperwork for my license name change, gotten the picture, received said license and renewed my plates for 2017.... all without having to leave and come back for any missing document. If there's anything I'll count as an accomplishment today, it's this, hah..

I came home for all of 15 more minutes, and while Rob was getting dressed, read today's verse on the list:

Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. [NLT]

Ok, so this one I use a little more frequently. Okay a lot. I use this one a lot. If you look over there to the right somewhere [on desktop view], I have it bannered as one of my mantra's. Why? Because it is everything that I hope to actually be and do, simultaneously.

If you dig a little into this section of Proverbs, you'll see that chapter 31 is a poetic epilogue outlining traits of a "noble wife." Leading up to verse 25, the chapter basically describes a woman of stalwart work ethic, discernment, compassion, integrity, dignity, patience, graciousness, determination, honor, commitment and bold humility. Like I said - GOALS.

So when v. 25 comes along and says that this noble wife [or woman, or really, man for that matter!] is clothed with strength and dignity, I imagine two characters:

One is a literal, fictional heroine, whose end destiny from page one was to discover that her seemingly mundane life was pre-calibrated to culminate in some box office 90-minutes of enthrallment, in which she realizes her mission is to save humanity. She allies with a carefully selected support cast to honorably defeat some previously invincible adversary, does so after decimating Chicago, L.A. or NYC [*sigh, again?] in a battle royale, and walks away with combat-resistant makeup remaining fully intact. Oh, and some type of military grade, fully functional leather bodysuit and high heeled boots. I swear, the wardrobe.. Who RUNS in heels? Hollywood has conditioned me, yeah. But anyway, that's the first image I see when I think of literally being "clothed" in strength and dignity.

And the other is also a very literal character, but one you'd more likely find on the Hallmark channel than on TBS. She's single young mother, disowned by family & friends who expected more from her. She's the same single mom who years later is fighting back a breakdown after her hours get cut one more time at that job she desperately needs to keep her and her kids in that 1 bedroom apartment. Or she's the executive mom who solely provides for her family, and in doing so, has to be reminded daily that her obligation will cost nearly all the precious time spent with them. She's maybe the married woman whose dream was to have children, but is now forcing herself to maintain when the doctors tell her she can't. Maybe she's the woman who's decided she doesn't want children, and faces the very real pressure and perhaps disdain of those around her for "being selfish." Or maybe she's somewhere in between all of that - she is the kid in any one of those scenarios. She's a homeless teenager. She's a college student paving her own way through and trying not to give in to the pressures of a broken world. She's going in for another round of chemo treatment that will make her sick for days after. She's losing herself in a damaging relationship. She's returned from war only to be staring down the barrel of PTSD every time she blinks.  Or yes, it could be that HE is any one of these things - father, son, brother, patriot, partner. HUMAN, swimming against the current of temptations to take shortcuts or the easy, crooked way out. The human that knows there is a fight worth waging, but is just.... tired.

And the latter - the people I encounter probably more often than I realize - these are who I've come to realize are truly, truly embodying the kind of strength and dignity I want to have. I want to be a woman whose strength is measured not only in her resolve, but in her resilience. In her tenacity. In the amount of hope she is ready to rely on when the ground gives out under her feet. And I do also want to live with dignity. Dignity is literally defined as speech or conduct indicative of one's respect, self-appreciation and noble character. They're not interchangeable, but instead are the perfectly balanced combination of bravery and humility. If I'm mindful of this, then my pride and ego have very little room to ruin a good - or worsen a bad - thing.

I heard recently that humble strength is just frankly more efficient, if nothing else, than strength of dominance will ever be. I see it as a sprint, versus a marathon. History should teach us that volatile, self-absorbed dictators very rarely had voluntary supporters, let alone reciprocated love. Yet those who actively lead by examples of selflessness and integrity, even and maybe especially in seasons of hardship, found respect, admiration and loyalty - often without asking for it, let alone demanding it. If you need a good example of someone like that [other than Christ], you could start with Mother Teresa.....

But moving on to the second half of this verse:

... and she laughs without fear of the future.

Do I though? Like, sometimes, yes, literally I do [out loud, for dramatic effect]. And then other times, if I'm being really honest with myself, the future scares me to the point where I start bringing up old things and creating new, ridiculous ones to freak out about. Hmm.. remember when the roof leaked at the rental house 3 addresses ago? Hope that doesn't happen again here.. Now, what if my brakes do go bad on my way to work? But what if a tree falls on the house? And whoa, what IF Sydni breaks her arm on the playground?!  What will we do when I get laid off from my job? < As you can see, I move quite swiftly in my head from wonder-worry to assuming all these things are inevitably happening, and I end up having started with a mild original concern about replacing car brakes to letting Web MD diagnose me as already dead. Get a grip, self.

Given that it's election season 2016 - and a particularly .... weird one at that, I think this second stanza is quite applicable. The context of this verse in the Bible is not really a command, but rather a statement, about the woman I want to be. She is - and I want to be - a woman whose future is not some roulette wheel of disasters, but rather an uncharted span of time that will feed her both joy and disappointment. She'll have good days and bad days, just like she does now, and she'll without a doubt make some more great and super-stupid choices. She'll hurt and get hurt, but she'll embrace her shortcomings and be intentional in not repeating the same mistakes.

And through it all, she'll do so because she IS clothed in strength and dignity. And she was clothed that way because she has trusted in the creator of her, and of who she is destined to become. In my own life, I've found happiness and reward through family, friends, work and play, but none that compares to knowing that at the end of the day, I am a child of Christ and I have a purpose bigger than a paycheck or a status. I am here because I was put here, to love other people where they are: strong in their own unique ways, dignified because we are both humans cut from the same fabric, and beautiful, because we both chose to get out of bed and face the good and the bad days.

I have been and will get hurt, and I have and will unfortunately hurt someone else.
I have given and received forgiveness, often unearned by human standards.

I did and do screw up, and I did and do recover.

I will and want to be noble, and I will and want to be called a good and faithful servant in the end.

And I am strong. And I have dignity. And I'm unafraid of tomorrow.
I pray the exact. same. thing. for you ♥

Love you, blogbots!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 1: Everyday Encouragement

You guys.

It's been over a month since I last published an entry on here. That doesn't sound like much, but I was the girl committed to myself in an effort to visit my e-journal daily, if for no other purpose than for revisiting it later on if I was curious as to what I was doing a year ago on whatever day. Yeah, that's a silly reason, I know, but if I told you it had never helped me out in a moment of memory lapse, well, that'd be a lie. So I've struggled with the big old first world problem of lack of blog time, over really the last year or so. It's more to me than just a blog, really, it's the idea of journaling in general that I've back-burnered all together. Over the past week though, I went out and purchased a composition notebook, and forced myself to sit in complete silence until something..anything.. came out of the pen.

And I realized that my busy schedule wasn't the only issue. I could literally only think of meatless, surface things to say. Don't get me wrong, that's not always a bad thing, but there exists a span of years: 28plus, to be exact - of my life in which I was an avid, consistent journaler, both on paper and then in an e-format as well. I favor at times blogging, because both my mind and my typing fingers partner together at about triple the speed of my writing fingers.

That's my backwards way of apologizing to an audience that I guarantee doesn't really care about the fact that I haven't been keeping up with my daily blogs. Let's face it, it's really not this big of a deal.. *wry laugh. #firstworldproblems #ijustusedahashtagoutsideofinstagram....#again.

Whatever. So UPDATES, huh? What the heck have I been doing?
Well, as I scrolled back through the handful of entries I made between June and mid-September, I think for the most part, life has been a blur, but of the same things on repeat: Sydni's soccer games and practices, work day in and day out, volleyball, road trips, family and friends as much as life allows these days.

OH, and yeah.. that little detail that we GOT MARRIED!

mr. & mrs. stokes | est 08 Oct 2016

And gosh.. what a day that was! (When I get more pictures back, I'll for sure make a retro entry, because it was awesome and then some!) Here I am a day shy of 2 weeks after, feeling both like the wedding day was yesterday and yet a lifetime ago. The collection of married people we know all said that the day flies right by, and unfortunately I've been there once before to know that much can be true, but honestly, while our day did come and go in a flash, we made sure to live in every moment, and for that, it was the exact amount of time we needed.

Afterwards, we came home, back to real life, our house, our adult responsibilities, our dogs, our jobs and our life together now as a husband and wife. It is so similar to "before," and yet so different, which, if I'm honest, kinda baffles me, since our 'regular' life didn't really change. And yet... here I am, feeling more in love with this guy than I did yesterday, and a multitude of other sappy cliched amorous feelings toward my husband. Must be a newly-wed thing ;). 

Then last week-ish, I stumbled across a list of Bible verses geared towards women, compiled [careful not to say written.. haha] by a Marisa Donnelly, on ThoughtCatalog.com, a website I'd literally never heard of before. She'd tracked down 27 verses that had spoken to her - after reading it, it's actually 26, but one of them was listed twice in two different translations. It hit me that in the past, any seasons of writer's block I experienced were more easily dissuaded when I turned back to Scripture and opened my heart and mind to whatever application was tied to my life - in all its mess & beauty. 

So I've arrived now at the reason I finally opened the blog today. I have a renewed sense of reason and purpose to be on here, and I'm excited for it. I wanted to go down Marisa's list of verses, one at a time, one-a-day, and remind myself why I needed that verse, that day. We'll see if that holds true; while I read through the entire list once, I don't have it memorized, so each day will be something of a surprise, I guess? 

And five novels later [sorry], here we go: 

Psalm 46:5 - God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. (NIV)

Sidenote:  For those of you who've never cracked open a Bible before, I implore you to maybe find a Christian - a real-life, imperfect, broken, compassionate, every day Christian - and just... get to know them. Sure, some of the Bible is daunting, and at first glance might look like a manuscript of rules and regulations, but I can assure you, there is so. much. more to it. And If I happen to be that really screwed up, sin-ridden but undeservedly-loved Christian you need to talk to, you let me know.. and I'll let you know just how normal you probably are ;)! Adversely, for those of you who have this postered all over your house on everything from wall decals to coffee mugs, well, it's a good one.

Not the first time I've seen this verse, and it's admittedly not one of my "go-to's," either. It does however, apply in more than one way. See, at first glance, this is one of those lines that I see all over the place, usually in the context of an encouragement card or confidence boost for someone facing a difficult time. It carries that kind of absolute hope & strength of God's steadfast support for when we are tripping over ourselves and other people on our way to not drowning in hard times. It's [ok, most of these are, if I remember.. ] a feel-good verse for sure, and I'll admit I've leaned on it once or twice over the years. 

BUT, as I re-read it today to start this mini-series of my own, I realized that I personally will draw more depth from this if I remember that it applies to me on my very.best.day.EVER... as well as the days I feel like melted plastic. Seriously though: The past week and a half have been ah-mazing - work has gone smoothly, our home life has felt renewed since the wedding, we've had good fortune with cars and house and pets and kid and health and aaaall the pieces have just fallen into and stayed securely in place. And I wake up feeling positive about the little piece of time I have in this world, to recall this verse - this promise that the Lord of all creation is also with me?! To be not reminded, but re-assured, really, that He loves me.. loves my husband, loves my family, my marriage, my well-being and my mission as a human to share His calibur love? That HE is the timeless source of love, life and real, unfiltered happiness.. and that same HE.. has chosen to be with ME, and ensure that I do not fall farther than He can reach? Y'll.... just... y'all... Nobody deserves that kind of love, but the fact that we have it is pa-lenty reason to at least make an effort at a good day. 

And the effects of that realization on the good days are what will sustain me on those particularly bad days, when the ship sinks and I'm blind in dark waters with a piece of the sail stuck to my face. I've been there, you've been there, we've all been ugly crying over life & loss at some point. To fully download this verse in that moment, in the storm, really is impressive if I think about it... usually if I'm inconsolable, I'm.. well, inconsolable. You could read me every song in the book and my human sarcasm might take over, will it away as I might try. BUT, give me this guy on a day when I'm clear-headed, and it'll add to the emergency reserve I'll need when the rain comes. 

I don't know if today's a good day, or a bad day for you, or if you've got a well-balanced mix of them like I do. I don't know if you're here reading this because you're in a dry spell of bad luck, nasty people and pressure to fix things out of your control, or if you're sailing through reading this because you were curious. Or, if anyone's reading this at all. I said earlier that really, these are for tomorrow me to come back and read, when the time is right and I need reminded that a little thread of lucidity did exist that one time on a Friday. But wherever you are, and whatever season you're in, I'm pretty sure we could all use a little encouragement, to fill the tank. 

Happy WEEKEND, blogbots. 

xo | cms <<< and that's new, too.. yiee!