She Loves - Series Day 12: Tales of Adoption

First and foremost, it's Noooovemberrrrr! I love this month for a slew of different reasons. It's National Adoption Month, my birthday month, Thanksgiving, football season, beanie & scarf season, boot weather... yeah, I'm absolutely that girl that feels about November the way many people feel about Fall in general: YESSS.

With that being said, today's verse ties in perfectly with how I wanted to kick off this month: by celebrating National Adoption Month [let's call it NAM]! 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

- Psalm 139:14 [NIV]

 

I shared this picture on Facebook earlier today, in celebration of NAM: It's probably now my favorite photo-mark that I've done for NAM over the past few years,; it's obviously from the wedding, and you guys, I am in love with what this says about my family.. namely my parents.

There was a comment after I posted, asking me to share the story of my adoption. Don't worry guys, it's not super complicated, but Jen, thank you for prompting me to do the obvious, and re-count the bottomless blessing that is [my] adoption. So here's my story, in a nutshell: 

********************** 

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
- Psalm 127:3

That sounds rather indisputable, and as a parent now, I can confirm that the reward part is without question true. Children are the past, present and future of humanity, if you think about it. Both our ancestors and we were them, we raise them, we teach them and we prepare them to take our places. They are literally heritage. 

So when having children is part of someone's dream, it goes without saying that the disappointment in being unable to - for whatever the reason - is heartbreaking. As a Christian, I still struggle to understand when I hear about an expectant couple losing their baby to a miscarriage. I don't want to accept the bigger picture when my friend whose marriage is wavering because they cannot conceive a child. I am not the woman who swallows envy and bitterness when she sees other women whose bodies were capable of enduring pregnancy. I cannot imagine. 

That was my mom. That was my dad. That was my family. The abridged version is that my parents tried so many times that they lost count. An army of doctors couldn't come up with an answer they hadn't already heard. They hopefully forged ahead and each time were met with bad news. The breaking straw was when the miscarriage came, somewhere between month 5 and 6. 

Two people with a dream of being parents. Of instilling in another human the love and life that to this day is the exact definition of who they are as humans. They were at the end of the road. Again. 

It could have stopped there. They could have let that pain dissolve any further talk on the matter of parenthood. It could have consumed them, and destroyed a marriage. 

But by the GRACE OF GOD, that is not who my mother and father are. [My fingers just wrote that on their own and now I'm crying.. okay..]. So they picked up the pieces. They relied on each other and their support network to provide that bridge back to normalcy, to clarity. And then they set their jaws and got real with the sky-high, seemingly indestructible wall between them and parenthood. They sought out local resources and information on adoption. They ignored nay-sayers. They began the 2+-year process of an international adoption. 

And one day, months and months after that first step of faith, they received this: 

[my first mugshot!]

Ya'll. That's me. That is the picture they received from the agency, of a clearly-frightened, gender ambiguous-in-appearance, malnourished little girl on the other side of the world, at an orphanage in Cebu City, Philippines. THIS, you guys, is the picture that solidified my future as an adoptee. 

You will never convince me that this wasn't a God thing. 

I look like a lot of sad, strange things in this picture, but a cuddly, poster-baby is not, in my opinion, one of them. So understandably, when I've asked my parents what it was about this picture that said 'this is the one,' their honest answer has always been, "We just knew." And as hard as I tried to force a more detailed answer over the years, the more I've realized that it had nothing to do with them or with me. 

Fast forward to my debut on American soil: 

day 1.

Sometime, 1985: This was taken I believe at some legal appointment to establish my citizenship, because naturalization when you're a baby does not include testing through the history of the country and also the periodic table can I get an Aaaamen. Haha. Seriously though. I became theirs and they became mine, by the authority of the U.S. Government and the State of Colorado. 

And they became the type of first time parents that everyone else does: 

almost. this is... so close. ;) 

That's dad, and me, somewhere in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. We still laugh at all the camping expeditions that ended with me finding new and improved ways to make myself miserable... because that's what kids do naturally, and if there's any guarantee, it's that Mom & Dad learn it all right along with us, the first time it happens. There's no manual for new parenthood, and there's certainly no Cliff Notes for the first-timer who steps in after 16+months. 

family out (dad's side of the family) 

There is however, a nice, long learning curve for adoptive families, that manifests itself in a variety of challenging ways. In some cases that I've heard, it's intense separation anxiety. Sometimes an overall identity crisis. Social issues, depression, loneliness. In my case, it came in the form of emotional detachment and anger under stress. For all we could see, I appeared to be well-adjusted for the most part on a good day, but [and especially as] I approached my tween and teen years, my coping abilities seemed to fail more often than not through stressful situations: disagreements with my parents, puppy-love breakups, tween social drama, academic pressure, sports, loss of pets & family members. You know..... life. I vividly remember more than one occasion of lying on my bedroom floor, staring at my ceiling, and speaking audibly to nobody in particular: 

"This is not literally going to kill you. Get a grip." 

At 16, I "ran away" from home. Before you gasp at that, I "ran" to the other side of our small town and lived with one of my friends for less than a month. Looking back now, I know my parents knew, even though I liked to pretend then that I was completely off the grid. I mean, c'mon, it was during the school year. I didn't miss a day of school and was still getting straight A's. When I "went home," I got sent to see a therapist. That was the worst part, because especially now, I realize that that man should've have ever been tasked with my case - he didn't know the first thing about adopted kids. 

I was not always kind to my parents. No kid always is, but in my parents' case, I put them through a specific season of challenges because we were both, in the big scheme of things, gravely uneducated and far out of touch with how to process through my adolescent life as an adoptive family. Among the many things I see now looking back, what stands out to me most is just.how.undeserving I was of their unconditional love. Their faith in me to be resilient, even if it was in my own way, and most of all, their transparency and honesty in admitting that they were but two people doing their very best and then some for that little girl they worked so tirelessly to call their own before she was even born. 

senior recognition night, 2003

I graduated high school. I made it through college. I said goodbye to both of my grandmothers [my grandfathers had both passed before my 4th birthday]. I wrecked cars. I suffered and recovered from a slew of sports injuries.I started & left jobs. I moved once a year it seemed throughout and soon after college, with and without roommates. I gave birth to my daughter. I lived life and so far I have done all of it because of and with them by my side, even at my darkest. My faith in myself has been suspended on several occasions, but theirs has never faltered, not once. 

[I would love to share more, but this is already much longer than I intended... if there are questions you have about life as an adoptee, I am happy to share anything else you want.. message me!] 

I have heard adoptive parents say their kids are the greatest blessing. What they might forget is that they are in fact OUR blessing. ♥

family. ♥

And this is modern day. This life I have now: everything and everyone in it, is because God planted a seed in the heart of two devastated people all those years ago, to have hope and faith that he would multiply their blessings and their wishes tenfold in the wake of heartache. I have not been the perfect daughter, but I am theirs, and they are mine. And let me tell you guys: 

I praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Happy National Adoption Month, to all our fellow adopters & adoptees... and HAPPY NOVEMBER to everyone else!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 2: Confidence!

Of all the things I really wanted to do on a Saturday morning, I'd say getting out of bed and being at the BMV by 8am is not on among them. However, I can now add 'Be the first person that day to be serviced at the BMV' to the list - that's never been me before and until Sydni starts driving, I can assure you it won't ever be again.

The ladies at the BMV are so much friendlier first thing in the morning, having not been jaded by a day's worth of people standing in line right in front of them. They were so accommodating that they offered to retake my new driver's license picture, if I didn't like it [I waived the offer, but when does that ever happen?], and in under 10 minutes, I'd filled out new paperwork for my license name change, gotten the picture, received said license and renewed my plates for 2017.... all without having to leave and come back for any missing document. If there's anything I'll count as an accomplishment today, it's this, hah..

I came home for all of 15 more minutes, and while Rob was getting dressed, read today's verse on the list:

Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. [NLT]

Ok, so this one I use a little more frequently. Okay a lot. I use this one a lot. If you look over there to the right somewhere [on desktop view], I have it bannered as one of my mantra's. Why? Because it is everything that I hope to actually be and do, simultaneously.

If you dig a little into this section of Proverbs, you'll see that chapter 31 is a poetic epilogue outlining traits of a "noble wife." Leading up to verse 25, the chapter basically describes a woman of stalwart work ethic, discernment, compassion, integrity, dignity, patience, graciousness, determination, honor, commitment and bold humility. Like I said - GOALS.

So when v. 25 comes along and says that this noble wife [or woman, or really, man for that matter!] is clothed with strength and dignity, I imagine two characters:

One is a literal, fictional heroine, whose end destiny from page one was to discover that her seemingly mundane life was pre-calibrated to culminate in some box office 90-minutes of enthrallment, in which she realizes her mission is to save humanity. She allies with a carefully selected support cast to honorably defeat some previously invincible adversary, does so after decimating Chicago, L.A. or NYC [*sigh, again?] in a battle royale, and walks away with combat-resistant makeup remaining fully intact. Oh, and some type of military grade, fully functional leather bodysuit and high heeled boots. I swear, the wardrobe.. Who RUNS in heels? Hollywood has conditioned me, yeah. But anyway, that's the first image I see when I think of literally being "clothed" in strength and dignity.

And the other is also a very literal character, but one you'd more likely find on the Hallmark channel than on TBS. She's single young mother, disowned by family & friends who expected more from her. She's the same single mom who years later is fighting back a breakdown after her hours get cut one more time at that job she desperately needs to keep her and her kids in that 1 bedroom apartment. Or she's the executive mom who solely provides for her family, and in doing so, has to be reminded daily that her obligation will cost nearly all the precious time spent with them. She's maybe the married woman whose dream was to have children, but is now forcing herself to maintain when the doctors tell her she can't. Maybe she's the woman who's decided she doesn't want children, and faces the very real pressure and perhaps disdain of those around her for "being selfish." Or maybe she's somewhere in between all of that - she is the kid in any one of those scenarios. She's a homeless teenager. She's a college student paving her own way through and trying not to give in to the pressures of a broken world. She's going in for another round of chemo treatment that will make her sick for days after. She's losing herself in a damaging relationship. She's returned from war only to be staring down the barrel of PTSD every time she blinks.  Or yes, it could be that HE is any one of these things - father, son, brother, patriot, partner. HUMAN, swimming against the current of temptations to take shortcuts or the easy, crooked way out. The human that knows there is a fight worth waging, but is just.... tired.

And the latter - the people I encounter probably more often than I realize - these are who I've come to realize are truly, truly embodying the kind of strength and dignity I want to have. I want to be a woman whose strength is measured not only in her resolve, but in her resilience. In her tenacity. In the amount of hope she is ready to rely on when the ground gives out under her feet. And I do also want to live with dignity. Dignity is literally defined as speech or conduct indicative of one's respect, self-appreciation and noble character. They're not interchangeable, but instead are the perfectly balanced combination of bravery and humility. If I'm mindful of this, then my pride and ego have very little room to ruin a good - or worsen a bad - thing.

I heard recently that humble strength is just frankly more efficient, if nothing else, than strength of dominance will ever be. I see it as a sprint, versus a marathon. History should teach us that volatile, self-absorbed dictators very rarely had voluntary supporters, let alone reciprocated love. Yet those who actively lead by examples of selflessness and integrity, even and maybe especially in seasons of hardship, found respect, admiration and loyalty - often without asking for it, let alone demanding it. If you need a good example of someone like that [other than Christ], you could start with Mother Teresa.....

But moving on to the second half of this verse:

... and she laughs without fear of the future.

Do I though? Like, sometimes, yes, literally I do [out loud, for dramatic effect]. And then other times, if I'm being really honest with myself, the future scares me to the point where I start bringing up old things and creating new, ridiculous ones to freak out about. Hmm.. remember when the roof leaked at the rental house 3 addresses ago? Hope that doesn't happen again here.. Now, what if my brakes do go bad on my way to work? But what if a tree falls on the house? And whoa, what IF Sydni breaks her arm on the playground?!  What will we do when I get laid off from my job? < As you can see, I move quite swiftly in my head from wonder-worry to assuming all these things are inevitably happening, and I end up having started with a mild original concern about replacing car brakes to letting Web MD diagnose me as already dead. Get a grip, self.

Given that it's election season 2016 - and a particularly .... weird one at that, I think this second stanza is quite applicable. The context of this verse in the Bible is not really a command, but rather a statement, about the woman I want to be. She is - and I want to be - a woman whose future is not some roulette wheel of disasters, but rather an uncharted span of time that will feed her both joy and disappointment. She'll have good days and bad days, just like she does now, and she'll without a doubt make some more great and super-stupid choices. She'll hurt and get hurt, but she'll embrace her shortcomings and be intentional in not repeating the same mistakes.

And through it all, she'll do so because she IS clothed in strength and dignity. And she was clothed that way because she has trusted in the creator of her, and of who she is destined to become. In my own life, I've found happiness and reward through family, friends, work and play, but none that compares to knowing that at the end of the day, I am a child of Christ and I have a purpose bigger than a paycheck or a status. I am here because I was put here, to love other people where they are: strong in their own unique ways, dignified because we are both humans cut from the same fabric, and beautiful, because we both chose to get out of bed and face the good and the bad days.

I have been and will get hurt, and I have and will unfortunately hurt someone else.
I have given and received forgiveness, often unearned by human standards.

I did and do screw up, and I did and do recover.

I will and want to be noble, and I will and want to be called a good and faithful servant in the end.

And I am strong. And I have dignity. And I'm unafraid of tomorrow.
I pray the exact. same. thing. for you ♥

Love you, blogbots!

xo | cms

Via Son-Rise : Culture Shift [Week 3]

That? That's the current banner from my church's website, on rotation for the next few weeks as our pastor & leadership team walk us through this series appropriately titled, Culture Shift.

I'm going to eventually come back to this and update the podcast link, but that's after the web masters upload it for the rest of us to see & share it. I took copious notes as Pastor Jeff unpacked this for us, and wanted to reiterate them by way of translating them from my notebook to this page. You know, repetition, repetition, repetition: the easiest way to begin committing something to memory starts with simple, intentional repetition.

So here it is, from the Son-Rise prompted format, with my own spin. Please note that I'm not taking credit for the content, but... well, it's meant to be shared. All disclaimers aside, here we go.

Okay, so first things first: For those of you who are familiar with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego [& the story for which they're best known], you'll have a comprehensive edge on this before we even start. If you have no clue who they are, it's okay - I can explain.

If you're more of a visual learner with a sense of humor, watch this:

The summarized backstory on Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego:
About 600 years before Jesus was born, there was King Nebuchadnezzar: the king of Babylon and a real stand up guy [except not really, at least not at that point] who conquered Jerusalem and extracted some of its best & brightest young men to mentor into his service. King Neb = Tyrannical recruiter. He had help, namely from his right hand man/Chief Official Ashpenaz. I know, their names are really somethin' else. So the king and his chronies besiege Jerusalem, and among the young scholarly men, they take with them these four:

Daniel (you know him as Belteshazzar)
Hananiah (you know him as Shadrach)
Mishael (you know him as Meshach)
Azariah (& you know him as Abednego)

Envision the most able-bodied, handsome, intelligent young men that a city has to offer: the best of the best, if you will. Well, that's these guys, and the king wants to train them for 3 years on Babylonian literature, language, food and overall culture. 

Ashpenaz (the king's right hand official) was charged with overseeing the training and forced integration of these guys into the Babylonian culture, which included their dietary regimen. Since Jewish people had specific disciplines in that area, what they consumed had a direct impact on their identity. 

To keep this short [you can find this story in the first chapter of Daniel, FYI], Daniel propositioned to Ashpenaz that he and the other three be allowed to consume vegetables and water for 10 days [now known as The Daniel Fast]. a way to test their resilience and overall appearance in comparison to their peers who chose to adopt the Babylonian diet. At the end of those 10 days, they appeared healthier and had stronger minds than the other trainees, and were ranked at the top of their peer group. As King Nebuchadnezzar expanded his reign, he demanded that refusal to worship idol gods be punished by death - specifically burning in a furnace. 

I'll stop there. That's a lot to absorb, but that's just the backstory that parallels and supports the theme of today's installment in the Culture Shift series. 

*****

It's 2015. 

Let's not pretend that our culture has changed overnight. Let's also not pretend that we as a collective society have not changed as a result of shifting culture. There is a lot to balance in our culture: our religious beliefs, morals & values, political beliefs, social beliefs.... I mean the list is endless. It's a world of decisions. It's a world of pressure to make those decisions. It's a world of pressure to stand by those decisions. 

So culture is shifting. Let's agree on that. 

The question that lead the discussion today: 

How Am I Responding To It?

We broke into the little notes insert to fill in some blanks. The first of which was this: 

1. Culture will try to rename me. 

> This hit me hard, and it was only the first bullet point. 

>> What do you mean, "rename me?" 

>>> It's simple. When we fall prey to letting culture dictate who we are, what we are, and what we're worth, we are letting it re-name us:

Future Scholar Stupid, boring, useless.
Beautiful Child Ugly, fat, unlovable.
Impactful Dull, unimaginative, nothing. 

If you were wondering why each of those four guys a little further up had two names, here's why: 

When they were taken out of Jerusalem, the Babylonians changed their names. 

Here are the translations, and how those were intended to shift their focus:

Daniel: "God is my judge." (Hebrew)

Belteshazzar: "Lady protect the king." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from God.... to man. 

>> The change implied that man [the king] held more worth and fortitude than God, and that Daniel's role in that relationship was to be objectified and identified only as someone whose purpose in life would be to protect him [the king]. 

Hananiah: "Yahweh has been gracious." (Hebrew)

Shadrach: "I am fearful [in this context, "afraid"] of God." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from 'God is good'.. to 'God is bad.'

>> This intended to support the belief that God is not compassionate, instead a list of rigid rules to be followed. 

Mishael: "Who is what God is?" (Hebrew) 

Meshach: "I am despised, contemptible & humiliated." (Babylonian)

Focus shifted from confidence.. to cowardice. 

>> Perhaps the most obviously mocking change; the name Mishael, in Hebrew translated to the question of who could be what God is already. It was a name honored by the hope & confidence in pursuing a life that mirrored God, and would be honored as such. Meshach was a name given to the weak, feeble and cowardly. 

Azariah: "Yahweh has helped me." (Hebrew)

Abednego: "Servant of Nebo." (Babylonian; Nebo = an idol god)

Focus shifted from son.. to slave. 

>> I saw this as the most literal of the four: The Hebrew name plainly giving glory to God for help & relationship, and the Babylonian identifying him now as a servant or a slave. 

Right out of the gate, these four were re-named. Their literal identity was changed. They were left with the decision of whether or not they would change. 

We in the present are constantly left to decide whether or not we will adjust our identity to reflect some sort of label, title or other form of identity placed on us by the culture we live in. 

The second point:

2. Culture will try to tame me. 

> Daniel 1:8 - Daniel has resolved not to defile himself by adopting the food of the Babylonians. He is not arrogant in doing so, but knows his values and is, determined to keep them. 

>> In what situation have I been challenged to compromise one of my beliefs, be it political, social, religious or otherwise formed, to conform? 

>>> Ashpenaz [the chief official] hears Daniel's resolve and responds out of his own fear of MAN [aka, the king]. Daniel's response? 'Thanks, but no thank you. Let us eat this veggie+H20 diet for 10 days and see if we don't outshine those other guys we came with. What do you think?' And let's not pretend that Ashpenaz suddenly had a change of heart when he heard that; there was a divine intervention and the men were allowed to adhere to their fast for 10 days. They came out on the other side stronger, brighter & more able to fulfill their duties than anyone else. Daniel became the king's advisor, where he continued on to interpret some of the king's dreams and advise in other areas.

How am I being challenged by culture to be tame?
.. And how am I responding to that? Am I caving to pressure, or am I staying resilient to my values & convictions?

3. Culture will try to claim me. 
> The defining moment in the Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego story came when King Neb decided that all of Babylon should bow and worship one of his self-proclaimed idol gods. The price of denying was death, by way of being thrown in a furnace to burn alive. Sounds fun, right? :/ S, M & A refused to worship a false idol, insistent that their loyalties would stay with the God they served. Their choice not only earned them a fiery death sentence, but enraged Neb so much so that he ordered the furnace to be 7x hotter than usual for the occasion.
>> S,M & A were thrown into the furnace with the expectation of it being a quickly-completed affair.

NOPE.

The story goes on to show that the king & his team looked into the furnace, and instead of three men dying, saw four figures standing in the flames, completely unaffected by them. King Neb beckoned them out, and three emerged, untouched. They claimed God had protected them, and with the visual proof before his own eyes, Neb had no choice but to declare his respect for their God. Sure, he was still pretty backwards about the whole consequence=death thing, but it was a step in the right direction.

So how that applies to me [& us, really]:

Culture will try to claim us. We will be swallowed whole by the pressures & expectations of the world in which we live, if we don't know ourselves and our resolves. We'll flounder without direction if we don't set our boundaries. If we exercise arrogance, pride and reckless behavior instead of humility, gratitude and intentional determination, we'll lose ourselves to culture's demand, and by doing so lose our identities. We'll become nothing more than the embodiment of culture's expectations; a shell of the person we were specifically designed to be, by a creator who loves us as He made us.

I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to be that.

*****

So in closing, PJ had us ask ourselves this: 

Will I change the world, 

or will the world change me? 

From where does my identity come? 

... From my body image? 

... From my grades? 

... From my worth in my career?
... From how other people view me? 

Or.... 

... From God? From the one who designed me from the inside out, before I was ever conceived in the flesh? Wouldn't that make more sense?! 

It's a whole bunch to absorb, I know. I walked out of church today with my head spinning, and wasn't sure how I'd reconstruct my makeshift notes into something with some sense of chronology. It's still fresh in my head, so hopefully I was able to accomplish that. 

If you've stuck it out through this entire entry, kudos to you!

And, if you have any questions, ask away and I'll do my best to answer you - or at the very least, point you in the direction of some mentor whose wisdom in the matter surpasses mine. 

Go change the world, blogbots! You're built to make an impact, and we believe me, you can. ;) 

Love & HONOR to you! 

xo | cmd

A Zombie Show.. Who Knew.

Kudos points if you know what this is from....

credit : jaimie

A friend of mine recently got me addicted to this. I'm not usually one to hunker down on TV shows [we have a love-hate relationship], but I'm adding this one to the short list already containing The Voice, The Big Bang Theory, and The Big C. 

Oh, and before you ask, NO, I'm not obsessed with the zombie apocalypse; this is just an addictive show and that's where it stops for me. I promise. No bath salts here. (: 

Go get 'em, Daryl. 

xo | cmd