She Loves - Series Day 12: Tales of Adoption

First and foremost, it's Noooovemberrrrr! I love this month for a slew of different reasons. It's National Adoption Month, my birthday month, Thanksgiving, football season, beanie & scarf season, boot weather... yeah, I'm absolutely that girl that feels about November the way many people feel about Fall in general: YESSS.

With that being said, today's verse ties in perfectly with how I wanted to kick off this month: by celebrating National Adoption Month [let's call it NAM]! 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

- Psalm 139:14 [NIV]

 

I shared this picture on Facebook earlier today, in celebration of NAM: It's probably now my favorite photo-mark that I've done for NAM over the past few years,; it's obviously from the wedding, and you guys, I am in love with what this says about my family.. namely my parents.

There was a comment after I posted, asking me to share the story of my adoption. Don't worry guys, it's not super complicated, but Jen, thank you for prompting me to do the obvious, and re-count the bottomless blessing that is [my] adoption. So here's my story, in a nutshell: 

********************** 

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
- Psalm 127:3

That sounds rather indisputable, and as a parent now, I can confirm that the reward part is without question true. Children are the past, present and future of humanity, if you think about it. Both our ancestors and we were them, we raise them, we teach them and we prepare them to take our places. They are literally heritage. 

So when having children is part of someone's dream, it goes without saying that the disappointment in being unable to - for whatever the reason - is heartbreaking. As a Christian, I still struggle to understand when I hear about an expectant couple losing their baby to a miscarriage. I don't want to accept the bigger picture when my friend whose marriage is wavering because they cannot conceive a child. I am not the woman who swallows envy and bitterness when she sees other women whose bodies were capable of enduring pregnancy. I cannot imagine. 

That was my mom. That was my dad. That was my family. The abridged version is that my parents tried so many times that they lost count. An army of doctors couldn't come up with an answer they hadn't already heard. They hopefully forged ahead and each time were met with bad news. The breaking straw was when the miscarriage came, somewhere between month 5 and 6. 

Two people with a dream of being parents. Of instilling in another human the love and life that to this day is the exact definition of who they are as humans. They were at the end of the road. Again. 

It could have stopped there. They could have let that pain dissolve any further talk on the matter of parenthood. It could have consumed them, and destroyed a marriage. 

But by the GRACE OF GOD, that is not who my mother and father are. [My fingers just wrote that on their own and now I'm crying.. okay..]. So they picked up the pieces. They relied on each other and their support network to provide that bridge back to normalcy, to clarity. And then they set their jaws and got real with the sky-high, seemingly indestructible wall between them and parenthood. They sought out local resources and information on adoption. They ignored nay-sayers. They began the 2+-year process of an international adoption. 

And one day, months and months after that first step of faith, they received this: 

[my first mugshot!]

Ya'll. That's me. That is the picture they received from the agency, of a clearly-frightened, gender ambiguous-in-appearance, malnourished little girl on the other side of the world, at an orphanage in Cebu City, Philippines. THIS, you guys, is the picture that solidified my future as an adoptee. 

You will never convince me that this wasn't a God thing. 

I look like a lot of sad, strange things in this picture, but a cuddly, poster-baby is not, in my opinion, one of them. So understandably, when I've asked my parents what it was about this picture that said 'this is the one,' their honest answer has always been, "We just knew." And as hard as I tried to force a more detailed answer over the years, the more I've realized that it had nothing to do with them or with me. 

Fast forward to my debut on American soil: 

day 1.

Sometime, 1985: This was taken I believe at some legal appointment to establish my citizenship, because naturalization when you're a baby does not include testing through the history of the country and also the periodic table can I get an Aaaamen. Haha. Seriously though. I became theirs and they became mine, by the authority of the U.S. Government and the State of Colorado. 

And they became the type of first time parents that everyone else does: 

almost. this is... so close. ;) 

That's dad, and me, somewhere in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. We still laugh at all the camping expeditions that ended with me finding new and improved ways to make myself miserable... because that's what kids do naturally, and if there's any guarantee, it's that Mom & Dad learn it all right along with us, the first time it happens. There's no manual for new parenthood, and there's certainly no Cliff Notes for the first-timer who steps in after 16+months. 

family out (dad's side of the family) 

There is however, a nice, long learning curve for adoptive families, that manifests itself in a variety of challenging ways. In some cases that I've heard, it's intense separation anxiety. Sometimes an overall identity crisis. Social issues, depression, loneliness. In my case, it came in the form of emotional detachment and anger under stress. For all we could see, I appeared to be well-adjusted for the most part on a good day, but [and especially as] I approached my tween and teen years, my coping abilities seemed to fail more often than not through stressful situations: disagreements with my parents, puppy-love breakups, tween social drama, academic pressure, sports, loss of pets & family members. You know..... life. I vividly remember more than one occasion of lying on my bedroom floor, staring at my ceiling, and speaking audibly to nobody in particular: 

"This is not literally going to kill you. Get a grip." 

At 16, I "ran away" from home. Before you gasp at that, I "ran" to the other side of our small town and lived with one of my friends for less than a month. Looking back now, I know my parents knew, even though I liked to pretend then that I was completely off the grid. I mean, c'mon, it was during the school year. I didn't miss a day of school and was still getting straight A's. When I "went home," I got sent to see a therapist. That was the worst part, because especially now, I realize that that man should've have ever been tasked with my case - he didn't know the first thing about adopted kids. 

I was not always kind to my parents. No kid always is, but in my parents' case, I put them through a specific season of challenges because we were both, in the big scheme of things, gravely uneducated and far out of touch with how to process through my adolescent life as an adoptive family. Among the many things I see now looking back, what stands out to me most is just.how.undeserving I was of their unconditional love. Their faith in me to be resilient, even if it was in my own way, and most of all, their transparency and honesty in admitting that they were but two people doing their very best and then some for that little girl they worked so tirelessly to call their own before she was even born. 

senior recognition night, 2003

I graduated high school. I made it through college. I said goodbye to both of my grandmothers [my grandfathers had both passed before my 4th birthday]. I wrecked cars. I suffered and recovered from a slew of sports injuries.I started & left jobs. I moved once a year it seemed throughout and soon after college, with and without roommates. I gave birth to my daughter. I lived life and so far I have done all of it because of and with them by my side, even at my darkest. My faith in myself has been suspended on several occasions, but theirs has never faltered, not once. 

[I would love to share more, but this is already much longer than I intended... if there are questions you have about life as an adoptee, I am happy to share anything else you want.. message me!] 

I have heard adoptive parents say their kids are the greatest blessing. What they might forget is that they are in fact OUR blessing. ♥

family. ♥

And this is modern day. This life I have now: everything and everyone in it, is because God planted a seed in the heart of two devastated people all those years ago, to have hope and faith that he would multiply their blessings and their wishes tenfold in the wake of heartache. I have not been the perfect daughter, but I am theirs, and they are mine. And let me tell you guys: 

I praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Happy National Adoption Month, to all our fellow adopters & adoptees... and HAPPY NOVEMBER to everyone else!

xo | cms

Once Upon a Hiatus [31]

Oy.

So as I sit here in front of my blog for the first time in nearly 3 months, I have mixed emotions. I've been completely resigned from my previously diligent daily scribbling here, a point I didn't intentionally make, but it happened. It'll be to my own chagrin when I try and look back at my activity on a specific day, but hey, whatever.. :)

I turned 31 on Sunday. That carves the first full year of my 30's in stone, and had I in my teen years set any idea of what I believed my 30's would be, I'm not sure this would've been it. A lot has happened since the last time I sat down at a computer outside of my day job. I've not penned a memo here since August; that means nothing to what small, general audience bothers to come here, but I realized that this blog has become my crutch for determining exactly what I did or where I was on any given date within the past 3-4 years. This is, after all, a journal of sorts.

So as I reach back into the past 3 months in an effort to chronicle the memorable moments, what I managed to find looks a bit like this:

[[august2015]]

* We celebrated birthdays of family and friends: My father - the staple of our family. Shayne - a friend we met serendipitously along with his wife in Jamaica. My cousin Maricor - one of my first and truest best friends.
* Just in time for a new school year, Sydni lost her first tooth and we had the first visit from the tooth fairy! She's a lucky kid; the tooth fairy's in an economic hotspot; that $2 reward is a far cry from the fare we as 90's kids saw ;).
* Sydni started first grade. It was a momentous day for her, and an emotional one for us. We're entrenched in another year of intellectual and social development, wishing all the while that time would slow down and we could relish the drooly, babbly wobbly-legged darling that has somehow began blossoming into a spunky, unique, charismatic and compassionate child who has a budding social circle and homework.
* We visited our families in their separate cities, each a handful of times. Our parents, family and friends laughed and fellowshipped around dinner tables and living rooms, parks and bandstands. We visited new landmarks, listened to live music and put miles upon miles on our cars to make sure we enjoyed it with those family members and friends.

[[september2015]]

* Day 1: Sydni turned 6. It was a hilariously bittersweet task executing a DIY monogrammed shirt for her to wear to school in celebration. We listened to her recount the experiences of her birthday from school, her dad's house, her friends. We played games, shared a special night out and tore through wrapping paper  to discover wishlist birthday items. I'm amazed by her compassion and selflessness as she shares her hope to give her old toys to kids who don't have any, so she can enjoy her new inventory - but in moderation.
* Buffalo Wabs & the Price Hill Hustle, a Cincinnati-based folk band, played a free concert in my hometown. My parents, my sister, my fiancé, daughter and I danced and laughed a night away.
* My company attended the annual corporate gathering: Sales Summit. My office's FOC and Owner had their first Sales Summit experience. I saw, fellowshipped with and learned alongside familiar faces from past offices, and celebrated change with the faces of leadership I've followed that have led me to where I am now, nearly 7 years into this job.
* There were date nights with Rob, outings with friends, movies seen and outings completed.
* We joined a new life group with some folks from our church, and immediately started feeling the benefit of community with a refreshing group of people!
* Fall officially began, and ushers in the expected though unseen hints of crisper weather, fire-infused leaves, and everything pumpkin-spiced (okay, maybe that part was seen, though wished to stay unseen, haha...)

[[october2015]]

* A new staffing consultant finally joined our team, after months of delegating the duties of the desk in a circle that started and began on the same desk - mine. Krista was an answer to prayer, and proved to be the influence and presence that was so desperately needed.
* My beloved Subie wound up in the care of Rob's team of autofacelift experts. Goodbye, blemishless insurance, but hellloooo wrx facelift! ;)
* My family attended the Ohio Renaissance Festival, in full medieval attire, to fulfill our commitment of making this outing an annual tradition.
* Marianne and Damanji rendezvoused in Cincinnati separately, in a chance of good timing. Having two of my dearest out-of-town friends gather with me here, joining forces with Rob and Becky in a weekend Cincinnati take-over was just a short couple of days, but a refueling that was much needed. Mariane and I took a day's worth of timeout to venture off the grid into a trail matrix, and managed to find coffee and music on the other end.
* I let Olivier at Beelistic scribe ink into my back along lines that comprise a mountainscape scene on my back: my 3rd tattoo.
* Halloween arrives in the form of office-appropriate costumes, followed by a weekend in Mt. Vernon: trick-or-treating with Sydni, chopping & stacking wood and enjoying the sights of mentors imparting the gift of rhythm, carpentry, literacy and fine motor skills to my daughter.

[[november2015]]

* It's decided against our highest hopes that the office staff will be again reduced to a roster of 3. Growing pains that have festered unaddressed for weeks finally reach a boiling point, and in an emotional culmination of honesty and determination to accomplish the same common goal, a new course of action: attitude, drive and desire for compromise was birthed and thrown in motion.
* I obliged an invitation to serve another year as a volunteer judge for the Distinguished Young Woman scholarship. I'm continuously amazed by the talent and vision of these girls - high school seniors, and am renewed through every experience that with the right influences and involvement, my own daughter will have a chance to excel as a person, an athlete, a musician, an artist, a scholar, a humanitarian, or whatever other or combined realization of her own potential she sees fit to follow.
* Kaitlyn joined the office staff as the newest staffing consultant, and a hopeful final addition (for now).
* Thanksgiving weekend provided a very much needed departure from the daily work grind, and allowed us an extended opportunity to visit our St. Louis area family and friends.
* More birthdays are celebrated: Nikki, Clark - hometown, highschool friends - one of them 19 days older, and the other 9 days my elder. My cousin Caridel and our friend Matt, both of whom had Thanksgiving Day birthdays this year. My beautiful friend Brittany, with whom I'll stand during her wedding next year, and her in mine.
* I share in the birthday streak, and turn the page of 30 to land on 31. I am now wholly immersed in my 30's, and blessed to have ushered it in in the company of some incredible friends and family.

I realized also in the past 48 hours that not only have I launched into the meat of my 30's, I will have celebrated that, along with this year's Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years as my last.... as a Drenning! I can't help but look forward to this time next year, when another band is added to my ring finger and my last name migrates to the other end of the alphabet, that I will then be married to the man who has managed to bring me so far from the place I was before I rediscovered the confidence to take advantage of my blessings rather than allow the shortcomings to take me. I owe him more than he'll ever know, and the thought of becoming his wife is the one thing that excites me as the rest of time whizzes right by us without much other thought.

I am here, though. Future me is going to reflect on this entry and remember the times of change, adjustment, busy schedules, road trips and landmark events, but probably not the fact that I skipped out on blogging them every single day.

It is now DECEMBER [holy crap!]
Even just sitting here now typing this up has renewed my spirit of journaling, blogging, chronicling, whatever it is I call this caboodle of thought that winds up on my blog. I don't do this for you, my dear audience [although I love you, don't get me wrong!]; it's tough to keep the pen sharp and step outside of my limited daily vocabulary if I don't actively do it.

[[december2015]]

* So, dear December, I'm imploring you to be the satisfying zenith to 2015, and usher in this next year with a smile, if you don't mind :).

This time next year, I'll be a married gal. Sydni will be 7. Who knows what the year will hold, but I am hopeful that through the mountains and valleys (& everything in between!) that I'm sure this next year will hold, I'm already praying for grace and gratitude to absorb whatever comes down the line.

Happy December, blogbots! It feels great to be back. Maybe I'll take to sharing some imagery from the past couple months once I sort through the hoards of pictures I've got, too.

31, & feelin' great!

Until then - be well, find happiness and encourage someone else to do the same!

♥♥♥!
xo | cmd 

Timehop.

Well I don't know if this is motivating, depressing, or somewhere in between: 

7 years ago today.. my first "big girl" job! 

^ Yeah. So this is just a quick reminder of 4 things:

1. This was post-college: my first real job in the corporate sector. I took the job in radio not quite knowing what to expect, and frankly, it was the worst job I've ever had. THERE, I said it. I was inexperienced, poorly-trained and above all, in way over my head in a nightmare work environment that would ultimately drive me and several others.. out.
2. This was post-college,which also serves to point out that I said actually in college between 11 & 7 years ago. That puts my HS class now 11 years out from our '03 graduation.
3. I, at the point when this picture was taken, actually believed that this was likely the epitome of the working class, and that, based on the..... fun?... we were having at that job, that I was screwed. I probably considered joining the Peace Corps & leaving the country on several occasions, if I remember correctly.
4. My professional life was far from over. I grew out of that job [thankful for that, can't say it enough], and eventually into the career I'm building now, doing something I love and helping people, rather than shoving cookie-cutter services down the throats of people who can't afford them. Call it a win. 

I also couldn't help but notice how young I look! Granted, I do have that whole forever-young Asian thing going for me, but I guess even I don't recognize the progression of time until I look back at shots like this, which may as well be baby pictures.

A couple years later, I posted this:

feeling determined! 

This was two months, two days after Sydni was born; I couldn't tell you if I posted this in a moment of actual clarity, or out of exasperated new-mommy desperation, but either way, it's a cold-hard truth and worth re-sharing for today. It's Monday, too, so it certainly applies to the tenacity we all have to muster at the beginning of each week.

I'm still feeling a rush from yesterday's session, where the doors opened for an opportunity to undertake a missions project. I'm still praying through that, piece by piece, as openly as I can. Today was a good day, to boot, and my family just ate the dinner I didn't burn ;), without complaint.

That's another win for the books. Now it's bathtime & bedtime stories. Goodnight!

xo | cmd

Golden Birthday!

🎂

Today is November 29.

Today, I am 29.

Yay, golden birthdays!

The first order of business on my birthday this year was of course the gifting of things from my family. They are so thoughtful, it's unreal. My mom, the origin of my creative intuition, has taken to creating her own silk scarves this year. I chose two of them, but I couldn't not share the first batch of what she's done. She... is.. amazing.

silk scarves

Crafty mom... crafty!
Rob, being his handy self, undertook the task of replacing the brakes on my car before we headed back. That left me with some time to play with the pups out back, and of course.... take some pictures.

stella

sasha

patient girls ♥

pittie play

And some of the other simple beauty around my parents' back yard....

 

There are a lot of ways I could have been spending my birthday today. The most obvious would have been to join the mass of crazed humanoids indulging in the pandemonium of Black Friday shopping. {No. thank. you... ever.} Meh, not so much my thing. I reflected a lot on today, and the only real pang I felt [single, but real] was not having Sydni alongside to celebrate. My leniency on that will not stretch itself again this time next year, actually.. Christmas, even. Once she's here, my family will be complete and I won't have to swallow whatever indignant thoughts I shouldn't be having on my birthday. 'Nuff said....

So instead, I reveled in the company of what family I do have here today: my parents, my sister & nephew, my boyfriend and our dogs. I am certainly a happy girl, today.


myself. mom. sister.

my nephew & my dad

best friend... the man i call my boyfriend (:

sisters

Thankful girl, right here. ♥♥♥
And of course, that brings us to the evening.. we are en route back to Cincinnati and I think Sasha's melting smiles can about sum up the last couple of days for me:

smile! :D

No big bonanza tonight for this girl. I'm laying low with my little family [again, minus one...] and saving the big bash for probably next weekend, when all my lovelies are back from visiting their own out-of-town families for the holiday.

Oh, and to all you Black Friday deal-hunters out there, be careful today! You're brave!

xo | cmd

11.12.13 : Snowvember is HERE

I was running a little behind on getting out the door this morning, so I didn't have a chance to snap a memoir of the frosted white everything near my house. Instead... here's the view from my sister's place that she woke up to a couple of hours away back home in Mt. Vernon..

 

Snowvember is HERE.

beautiful!

Of course, the pure snow is way prettier back in my hometown than here in the city, but the urban limits of course do have a special way of making the snow glitter, too.

But c'mon.. THIS? How can you not love THIS [also an excerpt from today at my sister's]:

♥ color contrasts

So that being said, Rob's been back in Illinois now since yesterday and my house has drastically changed back into the silent shelter that it usually is when Sydni's not here. I miss my family [Sydni, Rob & the dogs] being here, but I'm still sort of recuperating from last week so I don't mind nestling up with a book at my own leisure. Sure, I could do that with them here, but I'd feel guilty for splitting my attention if they were here... so yeah.

Today was night #2 of parking my tail on the couch, book in hand, determined to make some ground with this book. I got... a little bit done. This last installment of the series is written a bit differently in format than the first two, and coupled with something of a far-fetched twist even to the original line itself, I'm pacing myself. I won't say I'm disappointed yet, but I have that weird feeling I will be. Bummer.

GOOD news:
I discovered, via Facebook newsfeed today, this beautifully-hilarious link [CLICK HEEEERE!! ] that I passed along to Ali. It basically pulls various words or fragments of things you've posted on Facebook and generates things you supposedly might say. What makes it funny is the mash-up of different words that just.. makes.. no sense.

Here's a snippet from the half hour that she and I spent sending ours back and forth. Even when we're generating random things from our pages, it still flows like a [rather dysfunctional] conversation.

wow... just... wow.

Too funny. I needed funny today. I'm still in some sort of funk and trying really hard right now to not get sick. I'm pretty tired, so I think tonight is going to be another do-nothing-but-lay here kinda deals. I'm perfectly fine with that.

See ya in the morning, blogbots (:

xo | cmd

HOW IS IT ALREADY NOVEMBER?!

SERIOUSLY?

*Sigh. I say this a lot more often than I realize, probably, but c'mon, WHERE DID TIME GO?

I'm not complaining about November itself, though.. after all, it's my birthday month!
Plus, Thanksgiving, football games, a few other friends' birthdays, and the 6-month anniversary of my office being officially open.

Here's how Nov 1st started for me:


it's actually, c-o-r-i-n, but today i am loraine. i can dig it.

And then Elisa received her first sample box from Warby Parker, which is this groovy little operation that provides sample frames to glass-wears to try before they buy. I'm neither specs nor contacts, so I never thought to check on the existence of something like this, but it's pretty cool!


five different frames.. choices!! (:

^ That makes me wish I actually did need glasses.. if for no other reason than to participate in WP. Hah (:

We were cut loose from work a little early, which helped out in my weekend quest out to Illinois. I hadn't planned on going this weekend, but decided to go ahead and trek it for Rob's sake. It's not been the easiest week for him, so I thought I'd volunteer to be some moral support, because hey, he is after all my best friend, and simply put, being there is what friends do.

Plus, there was this waiting...

my furry gals... sasha & stella ♥♥

So I'm here.
And it's now about 11:30pm or so.
I got here two hours ago and literally passed right out.
And just woke back up.
..... woops.

Welp, good start. Haha. Good start.

Here's to this weekend (:

xo | cmd

Birthday Beauties ;)

November's an amazing month, for a few different reasons.. one of those being BIRTHDAYS!

In no order.... I definitely want to mention today being the birthday of two ladies I love love love....

Chelsea! I grew up with her; when I say grew up, I don't mean that loose term that so many people use when they want you to believe they've known someone forever... I mean I really did grow up with her. Well, technically, she grew up with me, since I'm just a little older ;) Haha. Want proof?


circa... 1999?

And then fast forward a few years.... She's aadorable, right?! :)  

happy birthday, chelsea!!!

ALSO...

Happy birthday BRITTANY!!!


happy birthday brittany!
snow bunnying | mexican you handle us?? - brittany. cori. kalyn.

This girl is my best friend's younger sister, and let me tell you she is a blast. Happy, HAPPY birthday, Brittany (: I'll make it a point to get back to Ohio and see you very soon.. and if I'm lucky, Kalyn will be there too, for added antic quality. Haha.

|| I AM BENT on making this a good month. Trust. (: ||

xo | cmd

Day 2: Thankful For... FAMILY.

So as a Facebook user, I've been reminded that each day of November represents a separate thing or two for which we're all thankful.

I figured I'd compensate for my not doing it yesterday and for also probably not repeating sequence tomorrow or the day after.

That being said....

I am especially thankful for my family. There are so many reasons I could list here for why I feel so blessed to have them, but for the sake of brevity, I'll just say that I love them, and that they are absolutely incredible. Now, saying that, I know that family is a very broad term, so I'm sticking to my most immediate family, just for today. Mom. Dad. Sister. 



entertrainment junction | cincinnati | 2010
heidi. dad. jonathan. corin. sydni. mom [missing joe]

I'll start with the women in my immediate family. For those of you who are looking at that picture, or who just don't know.... yes, I'm adopted. Let that lay to rest any questions about the *ahem, varied appearance of myself vs. the other ladies. 

mama & her daughters.

My mom is probably one of the kindest, most generous women I've ever met. Add to that her unbeatable charisma [honestly, I will not be surprised in the least if the woman outlives me; she's that incredible], her culinary genius, and her passion for just embracing life as it comes, and you've got a force with which I don't think anyone could or should reckon. Mom. I love you.

And then there's my sister. My sister, the adopted Dutch girl who is half a foot taller than me with gorgeous blonde hair and blue eyes, but all the while a pretty close reflection of my personality. She's the first person I go to when I need a true reality check [it's often, just fyi], and I know that I'll get it in a way that speaks perfectly to me and what I'm handling. She's random, spontaneous and hippy just like me, and I love her to the moon and back.



dad... i. love. you.

And then there's my dad. My poor dad, who endured a house full of women for years and managed to keep his cool :). Haha. He's fooled many who assume he had prior military experience [flat feet = no go :( .. ]; he carries himself with a confidence and a sense of dignity that I could only hope to exude someday. My dad worked himself to the point of exhaustion when it came to providing for his family, and for that I will forever be grateful. I love you, Dad. Thank you for everything.

 

I'm blessed.

SO blessed.

 

xo | cmd