With that being said, today's verse ties in perfectly with how I wanted to kick off this month: by celebrating National Adoption Month [let's call it NAM]!
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| ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ |
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
- Psalm 139:14 [NIV]
I shared this picture on Facebook earlier today, in celebration of NAM: It's probably now my favorite photo-mark that I've done for NAM over the past few years,; it's obviously from the wedding, and you guys, I am in love with what this says about my family.. namely my parents.
There was a comment after I posted, asking me to share the story of my adoption. Don't worry guys, it's not super complicated, but Jen, thank you for prompting me to do the obvious, and re-count the bottomless blessing that is [my] adoption. So here's my story, in a nutshell:
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Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
- Psalm 127:3
offspring a reward from Him.
- Psalm 127:3
That sounds rather indisputable, and as a parent now, I can confirm that the reward part is without question true. Children are the past, present and future of humanity, if you think about it. Both our ancestors and we were them, we raise them, we teach them and we prepare them to take our places. They are literally heritage.
So when having children is part of someone's dream, it goes without saying that the disappointment in being unable to - for whatever the reason - is heartbreaking. As a Christian, I still struggle to understand when I hear about an expectant couple losing their baby to a miscarriage. I don't want to accept the bigger picture when my friend whose marriage is wavering because they cannot conceive a child. I am not the woman who swallows envy and bitterness when she sees other women whose bodies were capable of enduring pregnancy. I cannot imagine.
That was my mom. That was my dad. That was my family. The abridged version is that my parents tried so many times that they lost count. An army of doctors couldn't come up with an answer they hadn't already heard. They hopefully forged ahead and each time were met with bad news. The breaking straw was when the miscarriage came, somewhere between month 5 and 6.
Two people with a dream of being parents. Of instilling in another human the love and life that to this day is the exact definition of who they are as humans. They were at the end of the road. Again.
It could have stopped there. They could have let that pain dissolve any further talk on the matter of parenthood. It could have consumed them, and destroyed a marriage.
But by the GRACE OF GOD, that is not who my mother and father are. [My fingers just wrote that on their own and now I'm crying.. okay..]. So they picked up the pieces. They relied on each other and their support network to provide that bridge back to normalcy, to clarity. And then they set their jaws and got real with the sky-high, seemingly indestructible wall between them and parenthood. They sought out local resources and information on adoption. They ignored nay-sayers. They began the 2+-year process of an international adoption.
And one day, months and months after that first step of faith, they received this:
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| [my first mugshot!] |
Ya'll. That's me. That is the picture they received from the agency, of a clearly-frightened, gender ambiguous-in-appearance, malnourished little girl on the other side of the world, at an orphanage in Cebu City, Philippines. THIS, you guys, is the picture that solidified my future as an adoptee.
You will never convince me that this wasn't a God thing.
I look like a lot of sad, strange things in this picture, but a cuddly, poster-baby is not, in my opinion, one of them. So understandably, when I've asked my parents what it was about this picture that said 'this is the one,' their honest answer has always been, "We just knew." And as hard as I tried to force a more detailed answer over the years, the more I've realized that it had nothing to do with them or with me.
Fast forward to my debut on American soil:
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| day 1. |
Sometime, 1985: This was taken I believe at some legal appointment to establish my citizenship, because naturalization when you're a baby does not include testing through the history of the country and also the periodic table can I get an Aaaamen. Haha. Seriously though. I became theirs and they became mine, by the authority of the U.S. Government and the State of Colorado.
And they became the type of first time parents that everyone else does:
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| almost. this is... so close. ;) |
That's dad, and me, somewhere in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. We still laugh at all the camping expeditions that ended with me finding new and improved ways to make myself miserable... because that's what kids do naturally, and if there's any guarantee, it's that Mom & Dad learn it all right along with us, the first time it happens. There's no manual for new parenthood, and there's certainly no Cliff Notes for the first-timer who steps in after 16+months.
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| family out (dad's side of the family) |
There is however, a nice, long learning curve for adoptive families, that manifests itself in a variety of challenging ways. In some cases that I've heard, it's intense separation anxiety. Sometimes an overall identity crisis. Social issues, depression, loneliness. In my case, it came in the form of emotional detachment and anger under stress. For all we could see, I appeared to be well-adjusted for the most part on a good day, but [and especially as] I approached my tween and teen years, my coping abilities seemed to fail more often than not through stressful situations: disagreements with my parents, puppy-love breakups, tween social drama, academic pressure, sports, loss of pets & family members. You know..... life. I vividly remember more than one occasion of lying on my bedroom floor, staring at my ceiling, and speaking audibly to nobody in particular:
"This is not literally going to kill you. Get a grip."
At 16, I "ran away" from home. Before you gasp at that, I "ran" to the other side of our small town and lived with one of my friends for less than a month. Looking back now, I know my parents knew, even though I liked to pretend then that I was completely off the grid. I mean, c'mon, it was during the school year. I didn't miss a day of school and was still getting straight A's. When I "went home," I got sent to see a therapist. That was the worst part, because especially now, I realize that that man should've have ever been tasked with my case - he didn't know the first thing about adopted kids.
I was not always kind to my parents. No kid always is, but in my parents' case, I put them through a specific season of challenges because we were both, in the big scheme of things, gravely uneducated and far out of touch with how to process through my adolescent life as an adoptive family. Among the many things I see now looking back, what stands out to me most is just.how.undeserving I was of their unconditional love. Their faith in me to be resilient, even if it was in my own way, and most of all, their transparency and honesty in admitting that they were but two people doing their very best and then some for that little girl they worked so tirelessly to call their own before she was even born.
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| senior recognition night, 2003 |
I graduated high school. I made it through college. I said goodbye to both of my grandmothers [my grandfathers had both passed before my 4th birthday]. I wrecked cars. I suffered and recovered from a slew of sports injuries.I started & left jobs. I moved once a year it seemed throughout and soon after college, with and without roommates. I gave birth to my daughter. I lived life and so far I have done all of it because of and with them by my side, even at my darkest. My faith in myself has been suspended on several occasions, but theirs has never faltered, not once.
[I would love to share more, but this is already much longer than I intended... if there are questions you have about life as an adoptee, I am happy to share anything else you want.. message me!]
I have heard adoptive parents say their kids are the greatest blessing. What they might forget is that they are in fact OUR blessing. ♥
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| family. ♥ |
And this is modern day. This life I have now: everything and everyone in it, is because God planted a seed in the heart of two devastated people all those years ago, to have hope and faith that he would multiply their blessings and their wishes tenfold in the wake of heartache. I have not been the perfect daughter, but I am theirs, and they are mine. And let me tell you guys:
I praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Happy National Adoption Month, to all our fellow adopters & adoptees... and HAPPY NOVEMBER to everyone else!
xo | cms
xo | cms
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