h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

, …… hello, again.

Hello, Again. 

You know, this blog used to be one of my most well-maintained interests. It goes without saying that I've been dormant for a long stretch now, but even this - an outlet - needs to rest.

And here I am, after several failed attempts at telling myself it'd be easy enough to just start again - the daily updating and entries. Looking back over a couple of random entries throughout the past couple years, it's clear that on some days, I really didn't have anything to say.

And that should've been ok.
Don't expect daily updates, from here on out.

***************

So let's start again, as the adage goes: "It's never too late to start (again) (over) (new)." 

So, …… hello, again. 

My daughter turns 9 tomorrow. September 1st. I remember 01 Sep 09 like it was yesterday, right down to the color I'd painted my toenails that morning - a nervous task I'd set myself to because I was home alone and strangely sure that I wouldn't safely make it to the hospital on my own accord if I'd tried. My labor and delivery rang in at a whopping 18 total minutes, and a nurse after my delivery complimented my nails; they were a rustic shade of burgundy, by the way. The center of my world shifted that day, embodied in a living 90's glowworm doll - that tiny little burrito over whom I would proceed to cry for the next day, out of both raw joy and the onset of terror that the number of clues I had as to what I was doing equaled zero. And partly, I think, because I was sleepless, caffeine-less and had just expelled a human. Who knows. 

AAANYWAY, I took a picture of Sydni (aforementioned daughter) yesterday, decked out in new club soccer gear, and we shared a joke about photos in general. It's a bit I'd borrowed from the late Mitch Hedberg, a response to that thing people say: "show me a picture of you when you were younger!" The joke goes on to point out that every picture of us is a picture of us when we were younger. ("Show me a picture of you when you are older, and I might be impressed," is the tail end of that - Mitch). For a split second, Sydni had a tough time wrapping her mind around that, but eventually thought it was funny, and rattled off a short list of friends with whom she was immediately going to share it. I mean, it's middle elementary: one of the most competitive, over-saturated markets for unheard joke material. (Go get 'em, kid). 

That was yesterday. Now it's Friday night and I'm coming down off another full week of work, workouts, soccer, life group, birthday preparations. Tomorrow's the actual birthday party, but for tonight, I have the liberty of stretching out on my couch, alone in the stillness of my own home with an acoustic playlist and a laptop at the mercy of this babbling blog. It's 31 August 2018; we're 2/3 through the 3rd quarter of the year. My daughter turns 9 tomorrow, and I am…….. older even now, than I was when I wrote the paragraph preceding this. *sigh. 

Over the past eight months, approximately 839 separate voices convened for a bracket-like tournament in my soul. They were each vying for pole position there, in the driver's seat, wrestling to control my actions, my choices, my words, my priorities. These rival thoughts went head to head, and much like any elimination tourney, there were some easy winners and some underdogs. There were some calls too exhausting for even me to make, the re-matches, the tough losses and the occasional invitation for the cast-offs to return just to stir the pot. Okay, so it's more like a demented hybrid of a legitimate tournament and a reality show, when it comes the thoughts that root and rule me. Human heart versus human mind versus God-governed heart & mind, versus external influences, other people, conflicting advice and learning from experiences. 

One team of thoughts, aptly named APATHY, has a lot of very well-trained players, expertly conditioned to attack me when I'm at my weakest and exploit what they find. Seems contradictory to call them thoughts of apathy, given how aggressively and actively they engaged me, but that's what they created. That's where I lived - in a floating abyss of apathy. Apathy by definition is the absence of interest, enthusiasm and/or concern. 

My relationships were suffering. 

My work was suffering. 

My faith was being strained.
My physical body was exhausted and weak. 

My heart was running on a cobwebbed reserve of muscle memory.

I was re-becoming depressed. (Re-becoming? Sounds good, let's go with it)

And I was there because the things I'd come to compartmentalize and/or attribute to that 'well that's how it/he/she is' junk drawer, eventually poured over all showed up on my doorstep at the same time, demanding my undivided attention. And what's the human response to that? Shutting down. Avoiding the ugliest of the things, the ones that cut the deepest, because what - because we don't want to get hurt. 

The team captain for Team Apathy is Fear. 

Fear temporarily ruled my heart: a wolf hidden under the cloak of self-preservation. I saw that the relationship in my life's foreground: my marriage, was not just falling apart, but should not have happened in the first place. It's not to say he was/is not a good person (on the contrary), but adults are well-versed in the idea that a good person is not inherently the right person. And world, I feared the repercussions of walking away from that. I feared the judgment. I feared that the tug deep in my heart to get out, was somehow misguided. That I'd end up following a siren to my inevitable undoing. I feared the big picture. I feared the conflict this had against the grain of what I believe in, re: marriage. I feared that starting over would wreck me, render me unreachable, unlovable, unacceptable. I became afraid that I couldn't trust anyone again, and that would only aide in warding off anyone who was brave or blind enough to give it a shot. I feared myself: knowing that after trauma like that, I shut down and internalize. I lost sight of why we'd even arrived at that place. 

Team Apathy co-captain: Guilt

By May, I'd found enough gumption to sever that toxic relationship. The signatures on the lines came and went, and in their stead came two competitors: relief & guilt. They less fought than debated, one taking center stage for a while and the other stepping in to contradict. One deep weight had been lifted, dissolved. The cavern it left became prime real estate for guilt to settle in. Guilt that I'd let my family down. My friends. Guilt that I'd both allowed things I hadn't seen but should have into a life involving my daughter, and then the guilt of taking away the good parts that I'd worked so hard to filter just for her. The distraction of the steps involved in that severing had taken a toll on my work - so even my life in the office felt strained. I'd let fear unravel my confidence so evenly across all my endeavors, that I'd adopted the idea that I was just failing to pull my own weight, along with the guilt that was birthed by not doing it. I'd let myself down. In my self-deprecating mind, I'd let God down and there was nothing I could do to undo it. Guilt, guilt. guilt. 

The other players on Team Apathy: Doubt, Resentment, Envy, Lies. 

K, I know none of these things so far sound like apathy - on their own, they aren't, but when they compound and feed off each other, their goal of shutting me down is usually achieved, and everything becomes both overwhelming and bland all at once. Am I the only one?! (I've recently re-discovered, with unending gratitude that the answer is NO, I am not the only one). But seriously - anyone?! Something (or somethingS) happen, and instead of washing the proverbial dirty dishes in the sink, you let them begin to let them pile up, and pile up, and pile up.. and every single time you pass by them, you're reminded of your inadequacy and inability to tackle something that everyone of your (age) (position) (gender) (training) should be able to do in their sleep with a hand tied behind their back. You doubt you're ever going to see the bottom of that sink. You resent every dirty dish that's there, and the person who put it there, whether it was you or not. And you think of someone you know (or even past you!) who has/had no issues at all knocking out a mess just like this one. But there you are, a mountain of mess in different shapes and sizes before you, and that weight is so heavy that you buckle under it, and instead of rolling up your sleeves to stick your hands in dirty water, you turn a blind eye.. just one.more.time. You believe the lie that you can't. You become apathetic. I BECAME APATHETIC.

BUT HERE'S THE *GOOD* NEWS

And WHEW, is it GOOD.

Just as Apathy was a top seed in the battle for my loyalties, there is no competition without a rival. And where Apathy rallied its strongest players, with their deceptive agenda and loveless core, it's adversary had actually already been there waiting to be recognized… again. 

I'll let the sports bracket analogy go - we get the point. But seriously, you guys - GRACE. 

GRACE, by definition as it pertains to my context here (faith): The free and unmerited favor, love for us, through and by God. 

^^ I may have just lost a handful of you, who maybe didn't know before you got to this part that I'm a treacherously broken and self-damaged human whose only hope in this world is to rely on the saving Grace of the God who created the heavens, the earth…….. and little blip-on-the-map me (I'm a Christian). Understanding the depth of faith's true potential is something none of us may ever fully accomplish, but it's a conversation I'm happy to have with you outside of this blog, if you want. It's an entry for another day, but it's been an arduous journey with a feet-dragging, water breaks and black-outs, if I'm being honest. 

Anyway, back to my point here: GRACE. 

Do you ever go through something, and whatever (or whoever) that is, forces you to a place where you - maybe against your pride, even -  become reliant on something or someone else who in reality has been there all along? That's exactly how it is for me. How it's always been. I take the grace I've been given for granted, until my feet are in the fire (usually because my dumb self put them there?), and I reach back desperately and instinctively for an anchor. And it's always, always there. 

Where Apathy umbrella'd fear, guilt, doubt, resentment, envy… they pale next to the legions of Grace: 

Forgiveness

Confidence

Patience

Truth

Love

Hope

Anyone who's ever done something they regret, can tell you what that wave of guilt feels like. How it presses into your core and makes you wish you could wash it off, but you can't. Turn back time, take it back or do it differently. Instead, we fixate on something else - something untouched, unrelated.. safe. For me, I compartmentalize. The junk drawer becomes a junk box, becomes a closet, becomes a storage unit ever-increasing in square footage. All the hurt, guilt, shame - all of that goes into that storage, where it stays and occasionally leaks back out when something happens and I'm forced to stare one of those feelings in the face again to process it. I then either shoulder it or project it onto someone close to me. Or I just shut down all together, become a full-functioning exterior encasing the inner work-in-progress (which is sometimes a quick add-on, remodel, full demolition & rebuild, or something brand new). 

But to really embrace the grace (I'm sorry that's a cheesy rhyme), I have to download the pillars that hold it in place over and in me: 

Forgiveness, of others but seemingly harder sometimes - of myself. Recognizing what I've done and asking forgiveness either from the person(s) I wronged, and then of myself.. is no easy task. Not everyone says yes - and more often than not, it's not other people turning me down. 

Confidence, that the next try will yield at best a completely different turnout.. and at worst, an opportunity to learn and grow. Confidence in the process, and in myself and others to realize that disappointment is part of the natural process, but it doesn't have to be a home. 

Patience. This one's easy to spot, because I'm not at all wired as a patience person (ok, sometimes, but more often… not). It's hard to exercise because I'm conditioned to see results of efforts, usually loooong before God has intended me to see them. 

Truth. I just had a discussion this week through life group, regarding the difference between being Nice and being Loving. While there's an overlap, the clear difference is that to be loving, we have to be willing to speak truth to ourselves and to others, however difficult that might be, or how much the human nature in us wants it to be false. Being nice is catering to the agenda of appeasing everyone, whereas a gentle truth will always carry more weight than a half-hearted compliment. 

Love. Suuuuuch a loaded word, with all of its possible contexts, forms and versions. For me, I view love - real love, as the manifestation of my vertical relationship. When I'm in line with what I've been called to be in Christ, I am confident. I am patient. I feel love, not on a surface level, but in the way that we feel it from good parents - where we want to make them proud and when we do AND when we don't, they speak in truth but still love us exactly the same. For my life, that means loving my daughter unconditionally. Loving hard-to-love people exactly where they are, and keeping a leash on my own agenda. It means forgiving others and myself when I don't want to, and allowing the girl in mirror to breathe deep, and understand that she is not perfect, but she absolutely is worthy. 

Hope, because where are any of us without it? Where do I go, if I don't believe the hope that my daughter will grow into a young woman who values herself and other people? What do I do - what do any of us do, if we lose hope that the end hasn't come yet? We have ALL seen the damage done by people who lose hope. It's not a road I want any of us on, ever. 

***************

End of 2017: 

I'd lost focus, lost sight, misplaced hope. I'd forgotten about grace, and gave into apathy. I became this weird kind of limbo-ey shell and I knew I couldn't stay there. FORTUNATELY, and I cannot stress this enough: I half found (half was found by) a small, yet varied network of people who took the time to pour into me. To pursue me. Gently persistent because they loved me exactly where I was and knew that I needed help. Their words weren't always nice. They weren't unkind, but they weren't spoken out of a feel-good agenda. They were spoken to me by people who loved me enough to say the things I didn't want to hear, see, feel. Eight short months ago, the pot boiled over, and those people who intimidated me with their honest love that I felt I didn't deserve, were the people I needed the most. Not all of them agreed with the life changes I had to make to get back on solid ground, but not once did they stop loving or accepting me. 

To fill the gap: yes, I found solid ground. It's solid, blooming and surrounded by fresh air, water and people who invest into me for my own sake. I've regained my footing and dismissed Apathy and its team of sore losers. My relationships have recovered. I'm back on the field at work. Literally back on the field & in the gym for soccer. Connected with my daughter in a more intentional way than maybe ever, before now. I have room to grow, mountains to climb. But grace will win, every time, even when the outlook is bleak. 

And now that I'm almost two hours older than when I started this entry - if you're still with me here - I hope that if you've gleaned anything from this, it's that it is NOT too late for you to turn the page in your book, take a deep breath, and just… start, again. 

***************

Final thoughts…. 

I had a conversation a few years back with a friend about trying our best to raise kids in a broken world, and she made the comment, 

"I mean, at this point I'm not even worried what he wants to be when he grows up, as long as he's not the bully or the snob." 

Despite other areas where we don't always see eye-to-eye, I couldn't help but want to agree with her on this one. I mean, how true is that? How many parents can identify with that, at its core? Moreover, how many of us became - even if just momentarily - one or both of those, and would be proud to say it?

The bully or the snob? The one who attacks other for his/her own self-gain, or the one who can't be bothered with the perceived menial problems of anyone deemed below whatever threshold dictates worthiness? I know for a fact that I've been both, and that I'm not proud of it. I know that I'm working my hardest to instill a spirit of confidence and humility into my daughter - to equip her to be aware of the world but still compassionate.

So tomorrow, the center of my earthly focus turns 9. She is everything a mother could hope for at this stage: healthy, intelligent, social, energetic, with eyes that light up when she is happy and give away when she isn't but says she is. She wears her heart on her sleeve and isn't afraid to cry when it hurts. She comes back the next day ready to give it right back to the world. 

She is everything I hope to be, when I grow up. And when I do, I'll know that maybe I got it right after all. It's never too late. 

So hello, again. 

xo | cmd

I. Want. Holtman's... NOW.

I. AM. SO. CLOSE. 

via insta: @tessamaes

^ Boy, if that wasn't the cold hard truth today....

The coffee we made at work this morning was blacker than tar. Stronger too, I'm pretty sure. It's bad when I get a caffeine headache from being over-caffeinated. Holy cow. I was tired this morning, but then Nick rounded the corner with the press, planted it directly in front of me and simply said, "drink."

ya beaut! 

spilling it too, because i can't multi-task... 

^ I drank the coffee, and proceeded to do the things. And I was doing just fine until Nick again, came back for seconds:

holtman's. for real?! 

GAH! The universe knows that I am staring down the light at the end of this tunnel, and it wants me to fight a little harder for it. I mean, I didn't eat a donut today, if that's what you're wondering, but again - close, close call.

Things I've gained from this: Self-Control 

Things I've lost from this: Many a beautiful donut ;)

Oh, and of course we didn't go a full day, let alone a week, without having at least one installment of the "What IS she?" game:

I came back from having that conversation, and walked into both A) my coworkers having made me a sign for my office, and B) my friends mapping out the distance between point P and other point P:

lol.... 

*Sigh.

In other news, this chickadee finally lost another tooth today, which has been hanging on far past what we expected it to.

such a ham! 

All in all, not a bad Monday. Two more full days of W30 and it's over, and four more days until the weekend again. What's not to love about that?!

Happy Monday, blogbots! ♥

xo | cms

Faaariiiiidayyyy

I woke up to this gem:

who messes up the ymca? we do. 

I can't tell ya'll how excited I am for Mare & Derrick's wedding, and the dancing that shall ensue when Becky and I get to hit the floor in celebration. A few of my favorite people are getting married this year, so don't worry - plenty of opps to catch us cuttin' up rugs ;). 

In other news, today was gorgeous! 

sunshine = happy people!

^ Okay, while that's not always the absolute equation, it happened to be true today. We've spent so many days gridlocked in a pattern of clouds and sleet and rain and more clouds and just gray gray grayyyyyy... when the sun came out today and the air didn't feel like freezing needles, the universal affect it had was an improved mood both in and out of the office. 

Aaaaaand.. Timehop gave me a flashback to something I'd flashbacked five years ago (do the math, this picture is obviously older than 5yrs), but I love it just the same now as I did then, so it bears sharing: 

more than 5 years ago, but still today! 

To celebrate the weekend, I promised Syd a mama-mini date, so the two of us headed off after work for a fun night of Funko shopping, decorating and dinner. I am one lucky girl to have this kiddo in tow. She's my favorite little ham... 

We headed home and knocked out the spare bedroom, which previously had been used for Sydni making sheet forts and chasing the dogs around: 

before & after
(look how adulty!)

^ You guys, I'm doing domestic things like using matching bedsets and eating meals in actual compliance with the Whole30. 

Please send help. ;) 

Or at least give me the weekend. I'll take that, for now ♥

TGIF! 

xo | cms

Almost Friday!

Today was one of those days that I just couldn't get a handle on. Not sure why, really.. it was just one of  those days. I wrote this down in the middle of my to-do list and then wrote everything else around it, so I would have something to re-center me: 

Fortunately, by the end of the day, the bad mood had dissipated and I was off to get Sydni before life group. And no matter what kind of mood I'm in, that girl has the wizardry to make all things good again ♥

this little monster! ♥♥♥

We were off to life group, which, as always was fulfilling on all those levels that being with your family tend to be - these people are after all, family. Oh, and I've decided Parker is now the mascot of said life group: 

parker!

We wrapped up life group and headed home, where some meal prep awaited.. I say meal prep, but really it was just a super late dinner for me; this Whole30 thing has trained me not to eat all the amazing food that people like my bosses or friends make for things like parties and life groups... (Grrrrr). BUT, it's worth it at the end, and now there's lunch for tomorrow, so no real complaints.

life. 

OH! Also, a week from tonight, I'll be in Columbus with Jenn to see Rebelution - we've planned this show since Halloween, and I. Can't. Wait. 

1.18.18!

jenn | miss this girl! 

For now, it's off to read some more of this book and hit the hay. 

Almost Friday, loves! 

xo | cms

School Days & Segways

Today was a long, long day.
Today was also an absolutely amazing day :).

First things first: Sydni's first day of 3rd grade. I am not an emotional wreck. *Rinse & repeat*
---------In my defense, I was entirely fine with the entire thing until she said to me,

"Mommy. I am walking fast because I am excited. Not like, because I'm trying to leave you behind or anything. I really wish you could come in here with me." 

... I swear. That kid can ruin me... haha.

my 3rd grader!

my ♥.

♥♥♥♥

We joke that Sydni has an entourage everywhere she goes; it's the truth.  

sisters! 

aw :) 

Parents & teachers everywhere: I'm praying for you. I'm praying that every. single. one of our kiddos finds joy and progress while they're at school. I pray that they find classmates that will encourage them, accept them and challenge them in the way that helps them realize their best self. I pray that they'll be safe. That they'll feel welcomed and protected. That we as parents can do our parts to encourage them and reinforce what they've learned at school. That we'll be involved. I pray for Syd's and all the other teachers - that you'll be able to stay healthy these first couple weeks especially [germs, x infinity ;)], and that your classrooms will be safe, cultivating environments for your students but also for you, too. I pray that you continue to have the passion and patience that I. [most often, if I'm being honest] Do. Not.. for the swarms of our kiddos that you'll see every day over this next year. That we as parents will help you when you need it, and in ways that set positive examples for our kids. I pray for all the kids going back, from preschool to grad school: You've got this, and you'll move mountains! Amen! 

That brought us to the second half of today: work, of course, but immediately followed by a group outing to Cincinnati Segway! Nobody on my team has ever done this before, so we went into it a little apprehensive of our own balancing abilities.

You guys.. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. We were so close to a couple serious spills, but fortunately they didn't happen. 

.. and it began.

We did the welcome video, met our guides and donned the standard and quite flattering tour attire:

stef modeling the getup

we've got this :)

practice makes perfect... or something close enough to it ;) 

and we're off .. haha

Some footage to go along with it..

express takes on segway

eden park lookout

team! 

i really think i've got it now? 

your cinci east staffing consultants! ♥

rami :) 

And last but certainly not least.. this hilarious Hawaiian tour guide.. 

aloha lilly! 

I'm wiped. I couldn't have imagined a funnier night to end a great day. Hopefully nobody's too sore in the morning ;). 

Good night! 

xo | cms

Meet the Teacher!

I found this little guy off Chibird, and had to share it, because ya'll...

June and July were literally 5 seconds long, I'm sure of it. What happened?!

*Le sigh... No sense obviously in wondering where it all went, although I'm not really complaining because that just stands to reason that the summer was packed full enough to make time seem fleeting. We were fortunate to travel most of this summer, catch up with the regular faces, reconnect with some old familiar ones, and even meet some new ones. Birthdays, weddings, baby showers, bridal showers and following Sydni around for whatever it is she's doing = my summer.

Speaking of Sydni.. and speaking of Summer..

The latter is coming to a close, and the former just went to check out her third grade classroom tonight. And guys, lemme tell you what.. unless her teacher turns out to be some heinously bipolar train wreck, I can tell you right now that I already love her. I've heard nothing but positive things from other parent friends whose kids went through her class, and meeting her tonight was pretty much all the confirmation I needed to feel confident that Sydni's going to have a great year.

I walked into a room filled with THESE CHAIRS.

gaiams!!!!

Literally, I geeked. I guessed Sydni's reaction before she came through the door, and I wasn't wrong. She's on cloud 9 right now - she got the homeroom teacher she wanted, and she gets to be just like mom while she's "working."

like mama like mini! 

I don't know who's more excited about her 3rd grade experience - me, or her. Whew..

Seriously though. This kid hit the jackpot.

And I did, too! I came home to find this waiting on the front porch for me:

botm! 

The August Book of the Month is HERE! I had a friend randomly pick this out of the August lineup, and read the overview later. It looks legit, so once I find the spare time [hahahahhhahahahahahaha] to read it, maybe I'll post a book review. We'll see. Don't hold your breath ;).

Monday.. check.
This week is stacked already.. time for some rest!

xo | cms