h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

Book Room, Part II

Project Time! 
... AND PROJECT UPDATE!

So a couple weekends ago, we got the first part of the mini library completed: the large bookshelf. It wasn't necessarily a complicated process; I'd call it more time consuming that "difficult." Not a bad problem for a DIY project. 

Yesterday afternoon, between the morning & afternoon visits with my cousin, Rob and I made a trip to pick up the lumber needed for the reading bench. The original plan was to go ahead and get the second bookshelf materials as well, but well.. things happen and you decide that you don't really wanna do it just then and so you don't. And so we didn't. Meh. Another day. 

So today, we did church and then a much-needed and much-loved lunch outing with the Ricks and Costanzas, before coming back home to tackle the bench. Rob assisted me with some of the sawing [I could use that thing every day and still manage to cut off something that isn't lumber...], and then I hauled the cuts upstairs to build the bench.

First things first: baseboard removal. Somuchfun.

It's a box. I built a box. Not super complicated, but again - time consuming. Especially when you decide you're going to make pocket screws, sans kreg jig or any other foreseeable solution outside of winging it. I'm good at that, so it worked out :). 

Here's the before: 

freshly vacuumed :) 

a box & some suuuper pretty "pocket screws" [haha]

Rob has relentlessly teased me about my plans to make this thing sturdy enough to support half the house, and well, he's not wrong, and in the event that it does need to support half the house, well, WE'RE GOOD HERE. :D 

Anyway, fast forward a couple hours, a couple drill batteries and several stripped-out screws later... 

final touches: hinges and hatch opening!

And thennnnn: 

ta-da! 

because i'm not about wasting space... 

She's done! 

phase 2!
... of... 4, i think. 

So if you can picture a smaller white bookshelf (to match the existing one) situated in front of and of the same height as the bench, then you've seen the next step. I'll add a bunch of memory foam and cool pillows+blankets+comfy shtuff on top of that & it'll probably be my new favorite place in the entire house. 

Also, YAY for not having to paint ANY of this so far. While I don't like cutting corners, I also don't like creating unnecessary work for myself. Everybody wins. 

Oh, and if you had no reason to turn your clocks forward today - or if you're among the rare who don't have a cell phone that automatically updates, well.. make sure you do that before tomorrow morning :). 

Here's to another solid week! 

Cheers,

xo | cms

A Court of Cori & Her Little Life [See What I Did There?]

Another off-and-on super rainy day today... *meh.

At one point today, I looked under my desk and realized that the girl who lives there, is way cooler than me. Hah. I really need to take things home, but it made me chuckle at the fact that I could very well introduce myself for the most part, using just the contents beneath my desk. I don't know if that's sad or not, but it's true no less. 

hi, i'm cori.

After work, it was straight to the gym. I've been intentionally silent about the past several months of gym endeavors, mainly because I didn't have anything to say. I'm definitely not an all-the-time gym selfie person, but I came to another milestone tonight and for my own benefit, I need to stop and recognize it. I've admitted to myself that I wasted a lot of time last year avoiding awareness of my body and what it's always been capable of, and just before Thanksgiving last year when I set foot back in the gym for the first time in a couple years, I promised myself I wouldn't ever let it get to a point where I was starting over, again, like I pretty much am now. 

With that being said, I pushed myself a little further tonight, just to the edge - just to that fine line before I sacrificed form for safety - I don't cross that line. I was able to bump up weights in a few areas and felt like my bum shoulder [and its metal plate & 9 screws] was actually ready and willing to go along with me tonight. I still look like a Maple tree trunk with twigs for arms, but the goal is to balance that out by Summer, and I am dead set on that happening. 

one day at a time ♥

 AND, I finished ACOMAF! [A Court of Mist and Fury]

photo cred: instagram @queen.aelin.galathynius

I borrowed this shot from an Insta user because it's beautiful, and as I closed ACOMAF tonight, I realized that this was, for me, one of the most poignant chapters in the entire book. It's the only chapter seen through Rhysand's eyes, and the way that author has built these characters into the iron-clad, devastatingly loyal family that they are, is heartbreaking in a way. Between Lord of Shadows and A Court of Wings and Ruin both coming out in May, I'm not sure which one I'm more excited to have maybe not or maybe definitely already pre-ordered. As of tonight, I'm kind of leaning towards ACOWAR. 

OH, and ya'll were definitely right; Tamlin's not all he's cracked up to be. Rhysand on the other hand... :) 

Happy almost hump day! 

xo | cms 

He's Not a Morganstern : Shadowhunters 2x10 Review

YA'LL.

Excuse me, please, while I channel my inner Christine [@xtinemay] here and gush over the Winter Finale episode of Shadowhunters.

To preface, let me say that if you didn't know, I am among the ranks of those who've read all the Shadowhunters books so far - which, for clarity, they aren't technically called that:

The Mortal Instruments:

... and yes, I bought these also, because SPINES: 

same books, different covers... 

The Infernal Devices: 

The Dark Artifices [at this point, Lady Midnight]:

& the author, cassandra clare

And naturally, I spent 3 months hunting down and fiiiiiinally obtaining the UK version of LM:

this was worth every day waiting & every penny. 

And Lord of Shadows has been pre-ordered. And I finished up both The Bane Chronicles and Simon's conversion journey in Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy. So we're all set.

Mmkay, mmkay, mmmmkeehhh. If you don't want the Shadowhunters experience spoiled for you, then stop reading this. If you have only watched the show so far, and have not read the books, please, please, please go and READ.THE.BOOKS. I would recommend starting with The Infernal Devices, even though they were released after The Mortal Instruments. They're intended as a prequel trilogy anyway, so start there and I DARE YOU not to fall in love with Tessa, Jem & Will.

And then read The Mortal Instruments, and I dare you then to not fall in love with Magnus. Clary's a little grating, and Jace is sassy as can be, but in the end, if you're like me, you'll love it all the way Cassandra Clare wrapped it together for us. 

That brings me back to the show. It goes without saying that the writers of season 1, at best, LOOSELY based the show on the books themselves. I feel like the conversation surrounding plot departures in general is a song for another day. Now that we're in season 2 with all of these new plot departures, I have finally accepted that that's how it is, but honestly, I'd find it hard to believe that I'm the ONLY ONE who was leary after episode 9, of how they'd pull this back together and at least make some nods to the books. 

SPOILER: The creepy clown warehouse, neither Iris Rouse nor Madzie even exist in the books [same for Lydia Branwell], Jocelyn doesn't die AT ALL, EVER in the books, and Clace don't find out they're not related until after Sebastian comes along in the books. Oh, and Alaric doesn't die that way in the books. OH, and shape shifter runes? Definitely a show thing. 

So it's been a rough ride for me and seemingly some others who hold the books dear. But that brings me to tonight's Winter Finale episode.

I.. did.. not hate it. I can't decide if I'm embarrassed for not hating it. I didn't love it the way I would like to, but if nothing else it's refreshing to watch the show and not know exactly what and when things will happen.

********And sidenote, I'd kinda started writing this with the intent of just including this show as part of what I did today, but now that I've unintentionally launched into full review mode, let's go with it... ********

I'll start with the Hmmmmeehh?!:  

- Oh heeey, kinda-recovering DOT, on Magnus' couch?
- Are we supposed to believe that Madzie is the warlock "baby" that will be eventually adopted by Magnus & Alec? She's just kinda here now, and since Iris is in Idris..... I just.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ?
- Simon GETTING HIS THROAT CUT BY VALENTINE was exceptionally unexpected, gross and chronologically weird for me to digest. Especially given that
- JACE then uses a SHAPE SHIFTING RUNE to be Clary, and then Simon drinks his blood instead of Clary's and now Simon is a Daylighter but doesn't understand it but it happened at the INSTITUTE and that's not how it goes in the books someonepleaseexplainthis.
- Shape. Shifting. Runes. 
- And then Clary, being very Clary-ish, is all "No Magnus, go on ahead. I'll WALK THROUGH THE INSTITUTE ON MY OWN BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG IN THIS SPECIFIC SCENARIO."
- Alec got locked in an elevator by a kid warlock. MehhhIIII dunno.
- Maia's brash tantrums don't seem at all like the more calculated, precise book Maia. 

- Alaric and half the wolf pack and a handful of seelies die in the institute after Jace accidentally activated the soul sword.
- JACE JUST ACTIVATED THE SOUL SWORD. 

- Jocelyn is still dead. Again, Jocelyn's not dead at any point in any of these books. WHO is Luke going to marry now?! *sniffle.
- #RAPHSWERVE: For SOME reason, Raphael is the only one of the downworlders who went raging into the room to attack Valentine, but left just before everybody else died. Which was only like 4 seconds after they ran into the room. So did he like, U-Turn as soon as he got there?!
- So the soul sword can wipe out the entire downworld.... but only if they're in the same room?! (Mmmkay.)

- Izzy is [still] addicted to Yin Fen. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL......
- P.S. - Yin Fen is made from Vampire Venom?! For REAL?
- Aldertree: Since show you is doing whatevs you want except for knowing the password to the iPad on the roof of The Institute, please go find Izzy a cure for the Yin Fen that YOU. GAVE. HER. 

- Clary is alladasudden an expert at hand-to-hand deathblows with a seraph blade, but looks like a toddler being dragged across the room by Valentine. Plausible. *dry cough.
- Climon. I'm still cringy. Nothing to do with the acting, just... romantic Climon is cringy.
- I. Want. SASSY Jace back. Not this brooding, moody Alec-ish character. Alec is Alec for a reason.
- Who's the Assassin's Creed-looking person who strolls off with the Soul Sword at the end?! WHO IS THAT?!
- Lastly, JUST LIKE THAT, Valentine tells Jace he's not his son, and Jocelyn's not his mom and by the Angel, Maury, Clary is NOT his sister.

Which brings me to this clip. In my opinion, I thought the acting was very well done, and even as I sat wide-eyed shaking my head because Valentine would never just make it this easy, I still felt that moment, and for all intensive purposes, that's how it should be. I should feel things. 

  Poor Jace. Poor, poor broody show Jace.  Here are some things I found redeeming. Again, my opinions - feel free to agree or wholly disagree! (And share them freely, but politely). 

The Yasss Moments: 

- Maybe not in any particular order with these, so I'll start with the Simon-drinking-Jace's-blood thing. NO, it didn't happen in the institute [per books], but I got pretty stoked once it clicked in my head that THIS was the moment that Simon drinks Jace's blood, becomes a daylighter and erego doesn't die. And Jace doesn't die, either. And even though it didn't happen on the ship, this moment is a real catalyst for all the core characters......... at least it is in the BOOKS.  - Jace finds out he's not Clary's brother. Yeah, THAT part. Can we get this Climon crap off the table STAT, please?!  - MALEC. - Luke. I just.. I love Luke. Regardless of how weird the assembling of the downworlders at the institute was, I felt like the show painted Luke correctly in that he leads the pack and speaks for both Shadowhunters and Downworlders.  - Meliorn's back, making calm but snarky comments at Luke. Fun.  - Show-y plot twists that were fun to watch: i.e.: Jace shape shifting as Clary. Jace not having demon blood [sure, at the expense of accidental soul sword activation & destroying a room full of well-intentioned downworlders]. Valentine spilling that Jace isn't his son.  - MALEC.  - Aldertree's FACE on the rooftop when he realizes what a turdbag he is. And presumably also for what he did to Izzy.  - Izzy & Alec having a sibling moment, after some clear dissension over the Raphael.... thing.  - Madzie. I do and I don't know how to feel about her as a character, but if she's here to stay, well then.. ok. I did like the scene with her and Magnus, I think more so because it highlighted Magnus' compassionate, candid side.  - I liked how the writers wove this sense of unity into this episode, to tie together all the various downworlders and Shadowhunters. It's a little early for all that, if we're comparing it to the chronology in the books, but we're really not, I guess, so I'm willing to let the show stand on its own in this way. I think [hope] this sets the stage nicely for June, when 2b starts.  - And.. MALEC.
I never would've imagined myself so wholly entrenched in a book series, or so adamant about holding a candle to the show version, but here I am, and here that was, and here we go, fingers crossed looking very much forward to June and 2b.  I am not ashamed by any of this. :) 
Happy Monday!  xo | cms 

Songs & Shelves!

Happy Sunday! 

Today really was a beautiful day, both inside and outside. Nobody's really sure what the midwest wants to do when it comes to weather, but today provided some much needed sunshine and chirpy birds to make up for the mini blizzard that rolled through yesterday.  

Our day began with worship, which, if I'm being honest, I could use every day. I took some time specifically today to give thanks for the praise and worship team that "adopted" me with open arms and has welcomed me as now a core member in our growth as a team. As with any ministry that truly speaks to the individual, I am so overwhelmed by just how at home I feel with them, each week as we support each other and lead our growing church plant in worship. 

And it's fun, too ;) 

silly rehearsal times

( But serious, when we need to be....)

lost in worship with this incredible, incredible team
photo cred: my awesome husband ♥

 And after church, I was feeling happy, and sunshiney, and flowy [the latter based on the hair I so. desperately. need. to cut...]. Either way, today really was a day of mental and bodily rejuvenation, and I was happy to soak it in.

happy :)

"SUNDAY IS A DAY OF REST!" is what I swear I heard in my ear every hour as Rob and I dove into a project we've [I've] been talking about for weeks. I've been chronicling in recent posts the growing collection of pretty spines [aka books] and wimsy little Funkos that have begun piling atop the mantle in our living. For fear that I'd come home one day to find the shelf broken off the wall - which Rob has assured me is quite unlikely to happen, I decided that in addition to the book nook I've been scheming for the upstairs room, there would be a bookshelf to accompany it.

And that birthed today's project: #StokesShelfie.
I gave it a hashtag because I'm that person, who will forever reference this and all book-related projects in my home with hashtag vernacular. Or maybe worse. #WHOKNOWS.
Rest in peace, pound sign. 

ANYWAY:

before [& yes, those are 2 separate shots, 2 separate angles]

I'll skip the boring part where Rob and I marched back and forth across Home Depot for 45 minutes debating on the best and most cost-efficient material for this. We eventually settled on primered boards, which meant no pre-painting on our end. WOO!

frame!

From there, it was Rob and his table saw, and me with a drill and chair because I'm too short for just about everything.

sectioned :)

 And then the fun part:

....aaaaand ONE. 

 And two, and three, and four......

And then FINALLY:  

done! done done done. 

Rob went back to the garage to continue hounding away at the motor he's been working on, and I took to re-homing a portion of my new shelf's inhabitants. It's late and I'm tired, so the rest will have to wait for another day.

It's still pretty awesome - I couldn't have done this without my super awesome husband's help; I am in LOVE with this [and him, duh].

#shelfie!

Phewww.
Gooood night, blogbots!

xo | cms

ACOTAR | ACOMAF | ACOWAR

Books, books, BOOKS!

Thanks to Amazon, for delivering this guy to me today! Adding it to the read-immediately list, since I downed the first installment (ACOTAR) in two days. At this point, I'm still pro-Tamlin, but I hear that'll change once I read this. Check back in a few days once I've read enough to decide. I'm nervous.... :p 

acotar | acomaf

Oh, and I maybe pre-ordered the third one:

acowar | may 2017!

I'm obsessed, I know. I think I've pinned enough ideas on Pinterest for book nooks that I'll either build an incredible one, or nothing at all for fear that I'll try to incorporate all the ideas at once. These beauties, along with the new one, and the new Shadowhunters book [Lord of Shadows] will be among the first to decorate said book nook, when it's ready to go.

For now though, I need to plow through ACOMAF, because I am super curious and a little disturbed at the seemingly-obvious fact that I'll feel entirely different about Tamlin at the end. We. Shall. See.... 

Happy Reading! 

xo | cms

Pretty, Pretty Books

This isn't the first time I've said that Book Depository will be a (the?) key contributor to my ultimate financial downfall. The fact that UK-designed covers and jackets are just so... beautiful, is a hard truth to ignore. 

And most of the time I don't ignore it. I do just the opposite and indulge it. And then I'm at work and things like this happen: A postman drops off a very obviously-shaped box and I open it, usually at least halfway certain of which book or books it contains. Today, I'd remembered that Ink was somewhere in transit, but I'd forgotten about A Little Princess. 

Staaaahp. They're so.. PRETTY! 

no, thank YOU, Book Depository!

Ink might stand alone until I at least get my hands on the gold runed copy of Lady Midnight, but ALP will find its home with neighbors in its collection set.

^ I just re-read what I typed there and realized that the nerdvibes today are far. too. real.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday; I  know I did.

Cheers!
xo | cms