h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

Almost Friday!

Today was one of those days that I just couldn't get a handle on. Not sure why, really.. it was just one of  those days. I wrote this down in the middle of my to-do list and then wrote everything else around it, so I would have something to re-center me: 

Fortunately, by the end of the day, the bad mood had dissipated and I was off to get Sydni before life group. And no matter what kind of mood I'm in, that girl has the wizardry to make all things good again ♥

this little monster! ♥♥♥

We were off to life group, which, as always was fulfilling on all those levels that being with your family tend to be - these people are after all, family. Oh, and I've decided Parker is now the mascot of said life group: 

parker!

We wrapped up life group and headed home, where some meal prep awaited.. I say meal prep, but really it was just a super late dinner for me; this Whole30 thing has trained me not to eat all the amazing food that people like my bosses or friends make for things like parties and life groups... (Grrrrr). BUT, it's worth it at the end, and now there's lunch for tomorrow, so no real complaints.

life. 

OH! Also, a week from tonight, I'll be in Columbus with Jenn to see Rebelution - we've planned this show since Halloween, and I. Can't. Wait. 

1.18.18!

jenn | miss this girl! 

For now, it's off to read some more of this book and hit the hay. 

Almost Friday, loves! 

xo | cms

Girls.. Just Wanna BIKE, EAT & REDBOX

I really thought it was 1pm and that we still had to stain a deck when I woke up today. 

nope. 

And don't get me wrong, I was all the way down and ready to do some staining, but the sun was so bright at 9am that I thought it was well into early afternoon. Fortunately, it was early, and with the rain yesterday, there was no way we'd be doing any type of stain work today. 

INSTEAD, we opted to go for a bike ride! 

I didn't bring my bike, but fortunately, Jenn's parents have a few spares, so Nikki and I took up the offer and we were on our way in no time. I did end up with the taller bike, but major kudos to Nikki for wanting to try it! 

^ Nik, we weren't laughing at you... I mean.... ok, yeah, we were, but it was hilarious and you are a trooper for even wanting to do that! 

The ride in was beautiful, and although it was 16 miles each way, the ride itself was mild.

covered bridges :) 

We arrived in Yellow Springs, in the middle of a street vendor Saturday - these are my favorite, and I had to admit I didn't know YS had weekends & shoppes like it does! 

yellow springs, oh

merch & shoppes... & nikki! 

We ordered food, stopped at the brewery and then got ice cream.

And we justified each of these things with having ridden the 16 miles to get there, and the fact that each of us had done some version of a workout circuit in the past 24 hours. Haha..

pizza. brew. ice cream. #saturdaynotsorry

And Yellow Springs is especially dog-filled.

... and obviously i will. pet. all. the dogs. 

We finished up in YS and made our way back to Beavercreek - a slightly different but still beautiful little ride.

Jenn and I met up with Mikey for dinner and then decided that we were absolutely not doing a daggone thing after that. 

yes.

Well, maybe something, if an impulse trip to the store to buy snacks immediately following dinner.. counts. It counts. It totally counts. 

snacks, wine, redbox.
.... i mean.... 

Because we thought it'd be a good idea to sob ourselves into Saturday night... 

the shack

^ Holy crap, Sam Worthington... so many feels. 

Whew. Happy Saturday, loves!

xo | cms

Fancy Fridays

TGIF! 

Another week in the books, and another Friday to usher in the weekend!

I hit the road after work and made a beeline north for an hour to Beavercreek, which has happened more this year than it has in the last five.. but who's counting? Jennica's back in Dayton, and that's all that matters.

friday morning... vs. friday afternoon :) 

So let the twintastrophy begin.
Or something like that.

We made tentative plans to go canoeing tomorrow, so we decided I'd come up tonight and we'd kick off the weekend 12 hours early :). We started with dinner by the river, inside because it was raining outside... a fact we were fine with because it now freed us from having to get up early and stain her deck in the morning.. shhh..

dinner date! ♥

From dinner, we hit a row of nightcaps.. forgive me if I forget all their names; all I know is that this wonderful friend that I've known for almost 15 years is back in Ohio and barely an hour away. We'll have lots more nights like this and that makes my heart so, so happy.

[selfie station..]

Man.. this girl. I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with a tribe equally as - if not more - weird than yourself. They're the ones that push you to be your most authentic self; JS, you are definitely one of those and I couldn't be more thankful for our friendship... allllll 15ish long friggin' years of it. ;) 

Cheers to the weekend!

xo | cms 

Christmas, CONTINUED! :)

So... Santa's rackin' up the overtime hours this week! Just as we expected, we awoke to find a front porch and countertop with nothing but crumbs remaining from reindeer food & cookies. There was an empty glass of milk to go along with it, and a Christmas tree layered with pretty wrapping paper and gift bags.

anyone in there? oh, yes... it's a Christmas monster!

I have a 4-year-old who terrorized Santa's lovely display, and when the flurry of tissue and wrapping paper subsided, we were left with an array of awesome new toys, books, electronics & of course a couple of things for the grown-ups, too.

excitement, galooooore

 

electronics from santa, for sydni and mommy.. haha

Our visit at the Drenn Lodge ended with breakfast, complete with all of our favorite things, before we loaded up the car and set our sights back south to Cincinnati.

I managed to capure this on our way down...

too. much. i can't handle them sometimes ;)

I had made plans last week with one of my favorite friends Jennica to meet up at some juncture today before she headed back to Utah. It's been nearly four years since I've seen her, and we missed out when she was home over Thanksgiving. This time around, we were adamant on making this happen. So, we picked a meeting spot at the new Cincinnati outlets in Monroe, where Rob, Sydni and I fiiiinally ran into Jen and her brother Mikey.

jennnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ♥♥♥

Ahhhhh! I love that girl. I promised her that once this whole moving thing is settled down, I'll start looking at a trip out to visit her in Utah for a weekend getaway, or something like that (:

Rob started feeling ill before we even got to the outlets, so after our visit, it was a beeline to the house for him to unwind and relax for the night. I took that time to pack up some more of the house and haul it into the car for dropoff tomorrow night at the new house. It's all coming together!

Tomorrow it's back to work again for a couple of days and then.......... it's 2014. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. The age old question, where did the year go, is of course streaming on loop through my head, but at the same time I am welcoming all of the changes rolling in with the new year. I saw bring it on! (:

*Phew. Christmas is finally completed, I think. If I missed anything, I'll catch up with it later. It's bed time for us.

xo | cmd

HBD, JENNICA! | Things of a Saturday (:

It's birthday time, again!

Happy birthday to my lovely lovely Jen!!! 

♥ you jennica! | happy birthday!

Ohhhh... I miss you, friend. I'll see you sooooon. :) 

So yeah. It's Saturday, and our original plan was to head to the zoo after I picked Sydni up. Howeeeeever, it was a little colder than we'd originally planned. Couple that with the fact that none of us really got moving until about 1pm, we opted out of a trip over to STL. 

Instead, we took a mini-jaunt over to the park for a little bit. 

wintery girls! 

butterrrr hahah

I've learned that the easiest way to get Sydni out of the park is to offer her food [testament that she's mine... duurrrrhhh]. That being said, we promised her a home-cooked dinner and left the park at go time with little to no contest.

For my butter-lovin' friend Marianne, this was the message I sent as a pre-courser to dinner itself: butter and a pepper. I personally believe those are two of the greatest combinations anyway - fresh food & butter. Success.

After a quick stop at the store to get some shrimp [I was on a war path tonight for some shrimp.....], we headed back to the house and started in on the deliciousness that resulted from the mixing of fresh veggies & butter... & pasta. 

Yumm....

shrimp bow-tie pasta (: 

So that puts us here.... now.... on the couch vegging out. Marianne... Rob.... Syd... and myself. We're party animals watching Nacho Libre and discussing how Marianne's official role in the dinner dynamic of my house has become Butter Intake Coordinator. 

Love. 

fun with photobooth? yes.... (: 

Ohhhhh, Saturday. It's supposed to snow tonight/tomorrow, so we'll see what that does for the getting-outta-the-house situation.... 

For now... zZzZzZ.

'Nite, ya'll. 

xo | cmd

Friend Shoutout: Jennica

I had a conversation today [in a moment of extreme frustration, weakness and vulnerability] with one of those friends from home who I know without doubt I can trust.

meet jen. miss you, my dear friend!! 

She's one of those girls - those rare girls who can relate to the real stuff in your life. We've been there for each other for years now, and after tonight, I was reminded of just how thankful I am for Jennica [& the handful of friends like her that I have in my life]. 

circa 2008 : super fancy!

Jen lives in Utah now, and I'm more than a little ashamed that I haven't seen her in as long as it's been. 

oh. how. i. love. her.

Long story short, this girl is one of the greatest friends a girl could ever want, and I'm thankful she's mine and that I'm one of hers. Life's too short to go through it without great friends. 

Utah is now officially on my MUST-DO list. SOON. 

Just sayin'. Thanks again, Jen... love you! 

xo | cmd