h e a l t h y s e l f

i mean... okay
cred: ig / nayyirah waheed

I saw this today, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks:

(photo credit for this & all the others today: Instagram)

The past several months have been a challenge, on a grating spiritual level. I've been wrestling my deeply-rooted demons, that are exactly as old as I am. They were born with me - part of my human nature, and over the course of my life, have expressed themselves at different times, in different intensities. They're a part of who I am, both good and bad, past and present. I have a hard time saying no when I should, and a propensity for trying to wash out stains I didn't create, for people I shouldn't be touching. I tend to cripple myself.. a lot.

Most recent soapbox opportunity for this: Relationships! (....great).
Where these fickle things are concerned, my track records looks like it's been searching for sunlight on the sea floor for the last decade+. A fun thing I did just recently, was stay voluntarily rooted in one with the most narcissistic person I think I've ever met, let alone dated. The ultra-abridged version says that it was umm... a learning experience, that culminated at a dramatic midnight apex involving assault and cops and 3/4 of a week in jail and the revelation of [his] sidechick in Denver. Really sterling stuff, from a guy with whom I just frankly should've had nothing to do in the first place. It got a lil' messy. And I got OUT. //the end.

Why do I bother with it? Because as I've said many times over, this blog is just as much for my own later recall, as it is for well... anything/anyone else. I want to look back at this entry and be able to feel exactly as grateful on that day, that I do on this one.

And I can say all of it with something of a lighter heart NOW, because 3ish weeks ago when all of this happened, I was met right in the middle of the mess by the small but impassable detail of my closest friends who hedged me into a safe space and waited to ask questions after they were certain I was okay. They helped me put out the immediate fire, and walked in step with me.. figuratively held me by the elbow as I tripped over myself a thousand times in the next week attempting to get walk a straight emotional line on my own without falling apart. When you are physically assaulted by someone, whether you are a man or a woman, your senses go into a tailspin that will settle only when you are truly ready to allow it.

An anecdote to it: In my case, this wasn't "bad," as I would classify other cases. I wasn't hospitalized. I wasn't permanently injured (or worse), but I was still harshly reminded by others after-the-fact that those details still don't matter: what happened is not okay. It's not acceptable (agreed, of course). But that's the part that, if left unaddressed, becomes its own cancerous ivy that chokes the air out of even the idea that this was not, in fact, my fault. He made a choice to cross a line. That is not my fault. What I have been holding myself accountable to, is the fact (to me) that I knew better. I know better. I'm not a teenager with white bread for brain cells. I know better.. than to make excuses for someone else's red flags. That's so far out of my pay grade, and in this context, an absolutely valid case of 'Not my circus, not my monkey.'

So the first two-ish weeks following that had been me just being mean to myself, honestly:

I should've known better. 

I saw this coming. 

Yes, there were red flags. 

No, I am not really all that surprised. 

And a lot of *Sigh, I really just don't even know....... . . . . .   .   .   .       .       .       .

Ya know? 

The dust is settling, almost to stillness now. Of the things that have taken root where fire cleared the brush, the most impressive is the very clear, diamond-cut appreciation for the other relationships in my life. I've had most of them this entire time, but it's one of those situations I can only liken to the sensation of dropping a really heavy lopsided suitcase, that you'd been carrying by a broken handle, in your non-dominant hand. #letitgo

And the internal conversation has changed:

I did know better, but I also figured it out, and got out. 

What happened wasn't my fault. 

Red flags don't make any of that okay. But I AM okay. That's a win.

Ya know what? You're too blessed for this: 

Dust yourself off and try again (name it.... lol)

And a LOT more of *Sigh, I seriously have the best people in my corner. 

ig // postmodernpaul

Whewwww. Yes.

Fast forward to this week: It's Thursday evening and I'm home on the couch with my daughter as she reads one of her books, and I dug into one of mine that's new - a gift:

♥♥♥♥

This book was given to me within the last week, by someone I've loved in varying degrees since I was 18. He became an integral part of my life then, and recently, after nearly 16 years, has dropped back into my orbit, thanks to a universe-wielding God who clearly knows each of the souls that need to surround me. This one walked back into my life as the friend he's been for years, and for reasons unknown, volunteered as tribute to help bear the mess of me being at war with myself after this.. thing.... as I made my way out of the dark black hole where I'd been kind of hanging out for way too long. He's the [type of] person you dismiss from your life when you're young and stupid, and realize 16 years later that you must've done something you clearly don't remember, to merit getting the second chance of having him back. And you catalog that among the other things you've learned the hard way recently... and you're grateful for that thing called grace, that you know you don't deserve. ♥

I didn't make it more than 20 pages into this book without noting a handful of gems already.

this is one of my favorite sentences of the book (so far)

I've never heard of this book, but it's beautiful, and is brined with the passionate intentions of its author: surround the reader with a soul-feeding love: the kind of love that should drive every relationship - both laterally and internally. From what little I've read so far, I can tell this was written around the vulnerable state of the human heart, with space to safely step forward one foot in front of the other, trusting that each step will be met with love, in some form.

And I love it. I've spent the last few days for lack of a better term just... reveling.. in the gratitude that I can't seem to contain. It's a terribly good problem to have, I've found. For the better part of last week, I was in Oklahoma City with one of my wonderful coworkers, downloading best practices to maximize our impact in helping the people we're servicing. Before that, I spent a weekend decompressing, laughing, climbing & hiking in the Red [River Gorge] that could not have been more perfect. I've had lunches with friends, real hugs with people whose smiles reach their eyes, who care without agenda, for my well-being. Late night conversations with family and friends over a glass of wine, remembering to allow myself to feel the light they seem to see in who I am. Celebrating my daughter turning 10, with her cousin who is just one week older. Experiencing the difference between being loved through the lens of manipulation, versus the complete freedom to bring all of my truest self without the anxiety of being chastised, changed, or rejected for it. Recognizing for the first time in far too long, the spark in that happy little weirdo staring back at me in mirrors.

It's a terribly good problem to have. ♥

I found the nugget of advice earlier to write about the thing that frightens me the most. I was reticent to share any of this on a public platform, for fear of brandishing my vulnerability to an audience. For fear of subsequently being cattled into one some pre-defined statistics group of women who make it out of abusive relationships. Of being labeled or discounted somehow. I hesitated for fear that an anonymous audience might have negative feedback. And THEN I realized that that is frankly none of my business.

And so now I'm here, just.. in a stasis of raw contentment that I haven't felt in months - the kind that is too strong to ever be hindered by a single toxic person. One that's not punctuated by round after round of the mind-poisoning that happens when you allow a narcissist [teetering on borderline personality disorder] to take a driver's seat in any area of your life, let alone a relationship. What scares me about that? I'm terrified to think that it could have gone on another six... seven... eight months, and who knows if I would've ever mustered the gumption to leave, despite knowing better? THAT is terrifying. For me, I can speak to it now, for many reasons including but not limited to just knowing that's no longer where I am. It's not how this - how I - am going to turn out. For the record though ladies (&gents!), just umm.. make sure you're on top of those self wellness checks - ya know, the deep heart kind. I know I could've used a few thousand more.

And so I am happy. I'm at peace. I'm content with the course I'm on, debris-littered as it might be in places. And I'm forever grateful for all of the people who've made it a point to walk beside me, love me, hold me accountable, and remind me that while this defines how I'll move forward, it does not define me.

"I would like to talk with you about things I care about that others do not care about because they do not care about me, and hear you care, not because you care about me, but because you care about the things I care about." 

It's a terribly amazing problem to have, this gratitude. ♥

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

xo | cmd 

A Court of Cori & Her Little Life [See What I Did There?]

Another off-and-on super rainy day today... *meh.

At one point today, I looked under my desk and realized that the girl who lives there, is way cooler than me. Hah. I really need to take things home, but it made me chuckle at the fact that I could very well introduce myself for the most part, using just the contents beneath my desk. I don't know if that's sad or not, but it's true no less. 

hi, i'm cori.

After work, it was straight to the gym. I've been intentionally silent about the past several months of gym endeavors, mainly because I didn't have anything to say. I'm definitely not an all-the-time gym selfie person, but I came to another milestone tonight and for my own benefit, I need to stop and recognize it. I've admitted to myself that I wasted a lot of time last year avoiding awareness of my body and what it's always been capable of, and just before Thanksgiving last year when I set foot back in the gym for the first time in a couple years, I promised myself I wouldn't ever let it get to a point where I was starting over, again, like I pretty much am now. 

With that being said, I pushed myself a little further tonight, just to the edge - just to that fine line before I sacrificed form for safety - I don't cross that line. I was able to bump up weights in a few areas and felt like my bum shoulder [and its metal plate & 9 screws] was actually ready and willing to go along with me tonight. I still look like a Maple tree trunk with twigs for arms, but the goal is to balance that out by Summer, and I am dead set on that happening. 

one day at a time ♥

 AND, I finished ACOMAF! [A Court of Mist and Fury]

photo cred: instagram @queen.aelin.galathynius

I borrowed this shot from an Insta user because it's beautiful, and as I closed ACOMAF tonight, I realized that this was, for me, one of the most poignant chapters in the entire book. It's the only chapter seen through Rhysand's eyes, and the way that author has built these characters into the iron-clad, devastatingly loyal family that they are, is heartbreaking in a way. Between Lord of Shadows and A Court of Wings and Ruin both coming out in May, I'm not sure which one I'm more excited to have maybe not or maybe definitely already pre-ordered. As of tonight, I'm kind of leaning towards ACOWAR. 

OH, and ya'll were definitely right; Tamlin's not all he's cracked up to be. Rhysand on the other hand... :) 

Happy almost hump day! 

xo | cms 

ACOTAR | ACOMAF | ACOWAR

Books, books, BOOKS!

Thanks to Amazon, for delivering this guy to me today! Adding it to the read-immediately list, since I downed the first installment (ACOTAR) in two days. At this point, I'm still pro-Tamlin, but I hear that'll change once I read this. Check back in a few days once I've read enough to decide. I'm nervous.... :p 

acotar | acomaf

Oh, and I maybe pre-ordered the third one:

acowar | may 2017!

I'm obsessed, I know. I think I've pinned enough ideas on Pinterest for book nooks that I'll either build an incredible one, or nothing at all for fear that I'll try to incorporate all the ideas at once. These beauties, along with the new one, and the new Shadowhunters book [Lord of Shadows] will be among the first to decorate said book nook, when it's ready to go.

For now though, I need to plow through ACOMAF, because I am super curious and a little disturbed at the seemingly-obvious fact that I'll feel entirely different about Tamlin at the end. We. Shall. See.... 

Happy Reading! 

xo | cms

It's a New Week!

Yes, yes it was.

One of my favorite things is a collection of people who can suffer joyfully through something together. One of my not-so-favorite things is that the reason we're suffering is because midwest weather seems to be having a midlife crisis. As a result, I along with a bucket of my fellow Ohioans are feeling the glowing effects: sinus infections, colds, flu, bronchitis, strep and delightfully-disgusting things that are coughed up first thing in the morning.

Beautiful visual, eh?

What I do look forward to on Mondays, for now at least:

And no, I didn't mean jumping ship after the standard Monday [although fitting, yes!]; Mondays mean new episodes of Shadowhunters, and I think it goes without saying I'm a hooked fan. I'm still 110% surprised at how much I don't hate all the plot departures in the show (vs. the books). When we got hit with Lydia in season 1, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle these, but now that there's been a shift change with the writers, all the non-booky things seem to be weaving a course of their own that's still comprehensive, and dare I say it's kind nice? 

^ If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you really need to read the books. Honestly, I'd start with The Infernal Devices and work your way through those before The Mortal Instruments. It's all just... so good. So. Good.

SPEAAAAKING of TMI, this this THIS THIS THIS THISSSSS came today and I'm tripping over myself in excitement. I've been hunting this specific edition of Lady Midnight down since just before CHRISTMAS, when I spotted it on a couple of my favorite book instagrammers' feeds (bookstagrammers?). I learned it's a limited edition, and mostly specific to the UK. The Book Depository website told me it was out of stock, and the only available copy I could find in the U.S. via Ebay was going for over $200. I think not. THEN, just when I had a friend living in London who offered to procure this from a Waterstones and send it to me, Book Depository emailed me to let me know it was back in stock, and well.. the rest is history. This gem arrived today, from Australia, and it is even more beautiful than I'd imagined! ♥♥♥♥

i. am. swooooning.
#nerdstuff #goldenrunes

It's so.. beautiful. And it adds so nicely to the mantle shelf, which speaking of that.. is going away hopefully this weekend, if not very soon thereafter. The last thing I need is to replace a broken mantle and whatever book damage happens when gravity has had enough :p

So I'm outta here; it's time for the episode. One of these days I'll channel my inner Christine Riccio and do a book or episode review. We'll see. We'll see. 

xo | cms

Pretty, Pretty Books

This isn't the first time I've said that Book Depository will be a (the?) key contributor to my ultimate financial downfall. The fact that UK-designed covers and jackets are just so... beautiful, is a hard truth to ignore. 

And most of the time I don't ignore it. I do just the opposite and indulge it. And then I'm at work and things like this happen: A postman drops off a very obviously-shaped box and I open it, usually at least halfway certain of which book or books it contains. Today, I'd remembered that Ink was somewhere in transit, but I'd forgotten about A Little Princess. 

Staaaahp. They're so.. PRETTY! 

no, thank YOU, Book Depository!

Ink might stand alone until I at least get my hands on the gold runed copy of Lady Midnight, but ALP will find its home with neighbors in its collection set.

^ I just re-read what I typed there and realized that the nerdvibes today are far. too. real.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday; I  know I did.

Cheers!
xo | cms

Friday the 13th

On a scale of 1 to stereotypical, today was 5 paces past the latter for being a Friday the 13th. My team [at work] managed to make it through the day in tact, but it sure didn't come without a fight. 

Albeit a day of chaos that came in waves, I received my second installment from the Book of the Month club that I joined. The first book, The Sun is Also A Star from last month, introduced me to Nicola Yoon, and I read it as quickly as I could. I promptly wanted to either re-read it, or have a sequel materialize into my lap so I could continue being a fly on the wall to Natasha & Daniel. 

I haven't heard of either of these authors until now, but I am all about it and these two reads look like they'll be quick to finish but long to forget [here's hopin'!].

With the work day finally conquered, I made a beeline home and traded my office pants for lycra and met Rob at the gym. We squeezed in an evening of working out on separate sides of the building before reconvening for a jog side-by-side on the treadmills. 

I'm about to crack open the bigger of these two new books; I'll keep ya'll posted on how it goes. :)

Happy Friday the 13th! 

xo | cms

Work. Oh, Yeah, That Too :)

 My picking this book up is Britta's fault. I want to share the spoilers with everything and everyone within earshot, because I love it so much. Today, I purposefully toted it to work with me, and enveloped myself in a half hour of stillness on my lunch break to continue reading. I'm nearly finished, which makes me sad in its own way, but it's a familiar feeling I have with so many of my favorite books.

lunch break reads♥

With work checked off the day's list, it was time to get home and get back to the gym.
I haven't worked out since 2016. [heheh..] < It's corny, I know, and we're in the first month of not 2016, but the sinus infection that I had last week would've made for quite the scene of me wheezing and eventually/inevitably either passing out or vomiting all over the equipment. BUT, now I'm back, feeling my face again [which is a relic I don't appreciate until it's impossible to do, I've realized], and ready to get back on track with the task of hunting down all.ze.gains. ALL ZE GAINS.

cashed.

Whhhheeew. I'm spent. Not a bad way to end hump day.
We're on the home stretch now - two more days til the weekend! :)

xo | cms

When Tuesdays Play Nice

Yes, yes & yes. 

Today was admittedly much better of a day in general than yesterday, and to add to it, I added another book to the collection. This one was recommended by Britta, and now I own it, and soon I will read it. These are the little things in life and lunch breaks that I live for.

the snow child | eowyn ivey

^ I am taking this slowly, believe it or not. There's an entire ship's worth of books on this to-read list, I know, but what's a goal if not challenging? ;)

Other than another bookstore on a sunny day, I did manage to do some other adulty things too: work, more work, some more work and then a parent teacher conference to top it off.

OH, and today a little birdy chirped that there's a return missions trip to Panama, scheduled for May 30 - June 6. Yes, yes & YES.

Gosh, Tuesday. You're all right. You're all right.

xo | cms

Magnificant Magnus

Today was the perfect day to finish up reading through the world of Shadowhunters; as it stands now, this was the only book I had not yet tackled, and now that I've done it, I'm just patiently waiting for Lord of Shadows to be released in May. 

bane chronicles

^ Oh, and I am so thankful that Harry Shum was cast as the show Magnus.

Really not much to report here, folks. Read on!

xo | cms

Me, Adulting, 2017.

It's amazing how some of the simplest things can provide so much excitement. These days, I'm losing it over coordinated curtains and clean towels. Don't even get me started on matching furniture. All of the sudden, I actually care about that stuff, and it's weird.

So when Rob's mom bought this for me for Christmas and we saw the box there a few weeks ago, I've been patiently biding my time until we took a vehicle large enough to transport it [with us + dogs + stuff, etc] back to Cincinnati. It came back with us last night. It's here, and I love it ♥

final bedroom furniture touch! 

For any of you who see these things online, I will say to you that YES, it is a good investment.
Oh, and as a note to future me, buy this book:

... & buy it because The Sun is Also a Star made you ugly cry in the best way.

& also, I'll be adding The Bane Chronicles to this hoard later this week, along with pre-ordering Lord of Shadows. I'm tellin' ya... addicted. 

because... Shadowhunters

It seemed far more like a Monday than the Tuesday that it actually was, and I can already tell I am thankful this is a 4-day week. 

Cheers! 

xo | cms