A Court of Cori & Her Little Life [See What I Did There?]

Another off-and-on super rainy day today... *meh.

At one point today, I looked under my desk and realized that the girl who lives there, is way cooler than me. Hah. I really need to take things home, but it made me chuckle at the fact that I could very well introduce myself for the most part, using just the contents beneath my desk. I don't know if that's sad or not, but it's true no less. 

hi, i'm cori.

After work, it was straight to the gym. I've been intentionally silent about the past several months of gym endeavors, mainly because I didn't have anything to say. I'm definitely not an all-the-time gym selfie person, but I came to another milestone tonight and for my own benefit, I need to stop and recognize it. I've admitted to myself that I wasted a lot of time last year avoiding awareness of my body and what it's always been capable of, and just before Thanksgiving last year when I set foot back in the gym for the first time in a couple years, I promised myself I wouldn't ever let it get to a point where I was starting over, again, like I pretty much am now. 

With that being said, I pushed myself a little further tonight, just to the edge - just to that fine line before I sacrificed form for safety - I don't cross that line. I was able to bump up weights in a few areas and felt like my bum shoulder [and its metal plate & 9 screws] was actually ready and willing to go along with me tonight. I still look like a Maple tree trunk with twigs for arms, but the goal is to balance that out by Summer, and I am dead set on that happening. 

one day at a time ♥

 AND, I finished ACOMAF! [A Court of Mist and Fury]

photo cred: instagram @queen.aelin.galathynius

I borrowed this shot from an Insta user because it's beautiful, and as I closed ACOMAF tonight, I realized that this was, for me, one of the most poignant chapters in the entire book. It's the only chapter seen through Rhysand's eyes, and the way that author has built these characters into the iron-clad, devastatingly loyal family that they are, is heartbreaking in a way. Between Lord of Shadows and A Court of Wings and Ruin both coming out in May, I'm not sure which one I'm more excited to have maybe not or maybe definitely already pre-ordered. As of tonight, I'm kind of leaning towards ACOWAR. 

OH, and ya'll were definitely right; Tamlin's not all he's cracked up to be. Rhysand on the other hand... :) 

Happy almost hump day! 

xo | cms 

Refreshed

Every so often, there comes a day when my skin feels especially like my own, and I feel an added amount of gratitude for it. Today was one of those days. I'm not really sure what it was, other than that God knows the things I need, when I need them.

24 jan 2017

I was in the middle of a midday decompression (aka, lunch hour), and caught myself in the mirror of a dressing room for what felt like the first time at all today. The vertical mirror lights reflected off my eyes and for a split second, it registered that I looked very cat-like. I laughed and took a selfie, because that's what you do in those situations, right?

It wasn't until almost 6 hours later that I finally posted the thing, and the response I got was a quick but real reminder of how the encouragement I needed would come from a handful of strong, empowering women that I have the privilage to know in both real life and through their social media feeds. Another friend from years gone by also surfaced - one who, as part of an even smaller collection of people, stood by me through some of my weirdest years in college, as I grappled with my identity as an adopted Asian-American. It's not to say that I don't feel good on other days, but even with compliments and positivity trickling back in, I felt as humbled as ever by the notion that a simple selfie could prompt others to speak words of light and positivity.

That's what it is, really. It's the constant flow of negative energy that has clouded my social media feeds. It's the uncertainty for our future that weighs on our shoulders - some more visibly than others. It's the division that we see broadcasted across the country, and the fear that we try our best to swallow or ignore, that we are as a country, heading towards complete and absolute self-implosion. It's those thousands of voices that creep into my head when I least expect them to, and I start to lose sight of my own course and the one true voice of reason that really matters.

I went to the gym with this newly-recovered momentum of confidence, and was approached by another person to share the circuit I was doing. I gladly did so, since it had been shared once with me. Another encouraging moment. I finished an exhausting workout and headed home to a protein bar, dinner and my Bible:

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. ::2 Timothy 1:7::

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. ::1 Thessalonians 5:11::

I know this entry is a bit all-over, but as I've said a dozen times before - I love ya'll, but these entries are as equally for my own reference at any given point tomorrow or next year, when I need to be reminded of where my feet and heart stood at any particular time.

And today I feel refreshed. A little lighter in body, heart, soul and mind. A little stronger. A little better than I was yesterday, and a little more confident that I am empowered to be empowering. My hope is that each of you beautiful people out there can find the same peace, and then share it in your own world.

Good Night!
xo | cms

35 Years Strong

January 2, 1982:

Rick & Sandy got married. 

They got married. They chose to commit their entire lives to the sacrifice, service & love of the other, vowing to put everything they had, into them. 

These are two people that adopted a little orphaned girl from the other side of the world. They have loved outside of themselves since before they were even they, and I became the product of a love that was willing to reach across oceans. 

These are two people who diligently played their respective roles as responsible adults in a world that could have caved in at any point. At one point, for him, it did, in a way. They fought tirelessly not to maintain a lifestyle, but to prove to the world and to themselves that they would not be broken, swayed or ill-manipulated. They lived life not perfectly, but honestly and with heart. 

These are two people who gave, and gave, and gave.. and then gave some more to those around them. And they haven't stopped! They delight in service, and find joy when they have played a part in enhancing the world around them for the benefit of someone else. 

These are two people who love all creatures, and believe in loving everything in exactly the season they've found it - whether it be a person in a dark season, or a sick animal. They have loved unconditionally, they have restored, and they have accepted. 

These are two people whose resolve to live clean, and be healthy. Their bodies are in no way reflective of what the number on paper says. They are diligent, dedicated and accountable in ways that are contagious to those around them. 

These are two people whose faith precedes them. They have been shown firsthand that where there is a will, there is a way, and that HIS will is always the best way. They have allowed themselves to be taught, mentored and loved in faith. 

And these are two people who today are celebrating 35 years of everything that is them: The beautiful moments and the ones that terrified them into sleepless nights filled with tears prayers. These are my parents, and these are two of undoubtedly the most phenomenal people I will ever know. 

Happy Anniversary, you two. May love always win ♥

xo | cmd

I've Been There.

This one's a little intense.

Little known fact that I'm about to share with you guys.. and a note that I'm just.. putting out in the universe, so to speak, for the girl who reminded me this morning of the places I've been and the places I won't be returning to.

Dear Sara*
*Yes, I changed her name.

You served me coffee earlier this morning, at a place I visit nearly every morning for the same reason: coffee. You were friendly, polite and you smiled. At face value, it was as mundane an interaction as could be for a morning in line for coffee. But here's the thing: Your smile looked tired. Beyond that, you had two very clear, very dark bruises beneath each of your eyes.

Sara, for all I know, those could very well have come from softball. You could've been in a bad car accident recently, and the glasses you wear could've been forced into your face. I have no idea, and while I hope to assume the best in other humans, the reality is often the opposite. So I say this to you: If those bruises came from the hands of another human, well.. know this:

I have been there. I have seen knuckles coming at my face, and I've felt them make contact. I've been shoved. I've been kicked. I've had my back against the railing of a 4th story fire escape, wondering if I'd be pushed over it.  Fortunately, that was the one and the only time that I ever actually thought it might be over. But it wasn't. I hit rock bottom that day, and realized that everything I'd dealt with: every hurtful word, every scratch and bruise, all the money I invested into makeup at the last minute to cover up those scratches. Every time I blamed myself for not being the right type of person to someone who, in the reality of it, really wasn't even worthy of me on my worst day.

Sara, if you feel like that's a self-righteous way to feel, or an entitled thing to say... you're right, it certainly does feel like that when you're living in that moment. It does feel like perhaps you're being selfish, or unappreciative. It feels uncertain, and therefore an even scarier prospect to explore than staying right where you are. 

But I can also say this: That doesn't mean it's wrong. 

In fact, it's very much the opposite. You've probably been told by people who know you far better than me that it's time to get out of that. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. You should walk away. A thousand other solicited and unsolicited bits of advice have likely been handed to you, but maybe nothing more than that, because that would take someone out of their safe zone. 

You should know something: My advice to you means nothing, because well, you don't know me. What I can tell you with absolute truth though, is that you are beautiful. You are alive (and should have a vested interest in keeping it that way!), and you are strong. You are stronger than any and all of this, and while you might not see it in this moment, you really are capable of all the things you've denied yourself for however long it's been. 

Sara, I'll be back to see you probably tomorrow sometime, both because coffee is part of my morning routine, but also because I want you to know that I am here (because I fought for it), and I want to help you. I won't push, but please know that in meantime, I'm praying for you - that if it's not me you choose to confide in, that at least it's someone who is truly willing to help you remember just how worth it you are. 

It's a beautiful day, blogbots - take time today to encourage someone around you - you never know - you could be changing someone's life! 

Peace, Love & Praise ♥

xo | cmd

25 Days [Future Husband]

Today was a pretty busy day, not with anything particularly memorable, other than it marks exactly 25 days until my wedding!

Don't worry folks, I'll soon be done with wedding talk, but for now...

♥ him! 

He's my person, my better half and soon-to-be sharer of his last name ♥.
I.. can't... wait.

Cheers!

xo | cmd 

Off Kilter

Today was weird for me.

I didn't sleep exceedingly well following the rather emotional day yesterday, so I woke up today with this fuzzy feeling of sleepiness, mixed with a subtle sense of emptiness, and to top it off, cramps. Happy Saturday, y'all. To boot, Sydni ran in the room and bounded onto the bed like a bull in a china shop and kneed me right in the temple. At 8:30am.

Teeeeeriffiiiiic... haha..
But there are worse things, I know.

Even so, while Rob knuckled down and disappeared into the garage & driveway for the better part of the day, I remained inside, teeth brushed but really no other progress than that, finishing up wedding invitations and some of the other miscellaneous housekeeping things.

things i do on days like this..... :o|

And I watched a Lifetime movie [that's when you really know that you're in a funk]. These things just need to run their course; there's no need to fight them. Haha.

Soon enough though, just as I expected it to, the haze lifted and I started coming back to myself, in small fragments, until I was ready to rally the team and have a family outing to tear us all away from the house for a few hours.

this fancy little dinner doll.. 

my love, my best friend ♥

Dinner at Paxton's was a fun outing for the three of us, but it was immediately trumped by dessert next door. If you've never been to Loveland, you'll want to visit Paxton's. And if you're visiting Paxton's, you'll want to stop by Loveland Sweets before or after that ;).

loveland sweets ♥♥

Sydni made the joke, "MOMMY. Tell Nana I ate ALL THIS CANDY... "

She followed that up with, "Just kidding, Mom. She would have a heart attack." Hahahaha.. 

She's right, but the fact that she thought up that joke, knowing my mom (aka Nana) the way she does, she certainly proved that she got her Pappy's wit & jabby spirit, and knows a good jab opportunity when she sees one ;). 

All in all, not a bad way to end an otherwise iffy day. I'm still rattled by yesterday, but it's just that much more perspective to prove to me that my life is pretty good & I am very, very blessed. 

Good night & Happy Saturday, blogbots ♥

xo | cmd

For Philia.

[There is] Agápe. Éros. Storge. 

And [then there is] Philia. 

Philia: The love of, for & from friends, that supercedes your ugliest day. The expression of gratitude for those in your tribe, who in every season of life remain constant & present, real & honest, solid & still beautifully vulnerable. Through just even this recent chaos, take a time out to remind someone what they mean to you, and to accept the same in return.

♥.

Thanks for this, Mare; I'll save it for a cloudy day - and it will come, that's life! - when I need it the most. You're stellar, friend - love yewww! 

P.S. - Seriously, go & tell someone who isn't expecting it, just what they mean to you. It might not be your last chance.... but what if it is? Just sayin'. We could all use a bit more love these days. 

xo | cmd 

The Biggest Hearts Live in the Smallest Spaces

We woke up to this today:

We've recently remodeled Sydni's bedroom, a process which included wall-painting, furniture building, hammock hanging and the general reorganizing of everything else she owns. We'll soon be adding decorations, a desk/workspace, reading nook and whatever else we can dream up to make that space truly hers. 

The only thing we didn't really take into full account with this was that our dogs - Stella especially - can limber up the stairs of her new loft bed, but cannot make the final jump up onto the bed itself. The horizontal space on the landing platform between the wall and the bed doesn't allow for any dog-conducive ramp addition, which has left poor Stella stranded like a castaway from joining Sydni at night. 

I've caught her the past few days lying on the carpet floor directly under the loft; if I were viewing from the ceiling and had overlapping images of Sydni on the bed and Stella on the floor, I'm certain they would align exactly as if they were sleeping side by side. 

This is something I didn't realize until today, when I woke up to find Sydni in our room, having toted a pillow and blanket from hers, asleep on the dog bed, with Stella splayed out beside her. Something in my heart broke this morning, for this aging dog of ours who wants nothing more than to be with her little human 24 hours a day, and for Sydni, whose heart is made of pure gold when it comes to loving animals. It hit me also in that moment that the biggest hearts often live in the smallest spaces. 

I don't know how this managed to grab ahold of my senses in the way that it did today, but I am suddenly acutely aware of the fact that my dogs can't sleep with their smallest commander - which in itself is fine, but it's a stark note that they are in fact aging, losing agility and no longer bouncing hairballs of puppy energy [ok, well maybe Sasha's an exception on most days, but still]... 

Really, I don't know where I'm going with this, other than it looks like we'll be working out something to make the co-sleeping arrangements in Sydni's room both kid and pet-friendly, and go from there. I just.... I really wanted to pen out my thoughts for a later day, for whenever I start to feel frustrated with my pets for something they've done, that they're just hopelessly, unconditionally devoted to us and want nothing more than to have that same love returned. 

Love your pets today, bloggers. We forget often just how much they love us.
[[Yes, even cats. That's a diatribe for another day, I know; they're fickle, brooding & moody little mysteries, but they do love us just the same, in their twisted little ways.. haha. #ButIDigress]]

The rest of today wasn't so awful, either :).

after work.. happy little bits of the universe

Small group was tonight, and it goes without saying that these are often my favorite evenings.  We're working our way through the Old Testament, and tonight we processed through Ezra and all that it has to offer. Some challenging - and very much eye-opening - material! I would highly recommend reviewing Ezra if it's been a while. If you can get through the lineage of chapter 2, you'll be great! :)  

small group: ezra!

Post small group, we made a pit stop at Orange Leaf, because we pass the daggone place on the way home and WHY NOT?! Haha. Also, BOBA. That's right, BOBA.

boba for daaaays... 

I hope the rest of you've had a wonderful week so far, and that it only gets better from here. 

Happy Hump Day! 

xo | cmd

My Monday Mini

Is it weird that I didn't hate Monday this week?

For some reason, I have a feeling that this week's going to be a busy one, but a good one, too.

It couuuuuuld have something to do with the fact that this critter is home:

Actually, I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with that little critter being home.. haha. I'll tell ya - this little chickadee can put a smile on a mud puddle. I spent the first three quarters of the day pacing at light speed; my desk didn't stop for more than a few bites of salad and exactly 2 bathroom breaks. Monday did what it could to remind me that it was there, but that wasn't happening today. There is absolutely no greater joy in this world than the presence of family, specifically the antics between a mama and her mini.

There's not going to be a lot to this entry today; that mini up there gets me for the night.
I'm off, loves.

xo | cmd

My Favorite Character

In the continued spirit of my post-dated blogs, I decided to venture into my phone for any gems that may have been sitting dormant;

These aren't "old," but they're awesome and for my own amusement, thought I would share some fun with the blog world.

This one, from probably 2 weeks ago:

what happens when your kid finds your 80's glasses ;) 

And this one, from around the same week probably. We'd taken Sydni to Build-A-Bear, which was a far less chaotic experience than we'd envisioned it to be, thankfully. Frankly though, chaotic or not, it won't be forever that we'll get to go on these silly ventures with her - making teddy bears and preparing their birth certificates with absolute, unfiltered joy. She's already growing into her own, and I'm relishing every bit of it. Most days, I don't want it to go so quickly, but I remember as I took this picture that I'd realized in that instant that she is becoming more than I ever imagined. In my heart, in my eyes, she is a little mess of wiggly teeth, bedhead, scuffed shoes and knees from playing and a heart of gold. She's hilarious, inquisitive, generous, sassy, rambunctious, bold and kind-hearted.

build-a-bear! ♥

Just another reason that I'm determined to continue in my commitment to the regular maintenance of this little e-journal of mine :). These are the things I can't afford to forget. Ever.

Happy midweek, darlins!

xo | cmd

Talk To Me, Pinterest

We're leaving for Illinois tomorrow, and today was one of those fast forward days that didn't seem to stop even for a moment. It was an early morning at work, a rapid fire day at work, and then straight to the hour+ roundtrip to get Sydni and come home.

It was one of those days that tested my sanity and showed me that my patience extends further than sometimes I've even been able to believe.

It's days like this when I [and excuse me in advance for how cheesy this is going to sound] find myself clicking through Pinterest to find some additional inspiration. I told you it was cheesy. BUT, it worked, and I thought I'd share some of them with you, my fellow blogbots... in case you're in need of some additional oompf today:

First - get your mind right. If the world is fine, don't reinvent the day by creating your own problems, drama or dischord! The right outlook from us, starts with us.

This one has resonated with me tenfold over the past several months. As patient as I try to be, I've always found root in this principle. As I attended a soccer camp some odd years ago, one of the evening motivational speakers said to us that in her history as a player, the best and most respected players she knew were the ones who very rarely had to vocalize their successes or abilities. They demonstrated it instead, which left impressions far more powerful than just words. I love that. Either BE it or don't, but either way, just DO something and stop telling me all about whether or not you do it, are it, or [insert verb here] it.

More lighthearted on this one. As an adult, I find the struggle here more often than I dismiss it, especially when my plate gets cluttered with the responsibilities of adulthood:work, parenting, bills, social obligations, etc. Thankfully, I have a five-year-old who is constantly reminding me that wonder is an ageless, timeless thing that is essential to our survival - at any stage.

It got crazy today, and in a few select moments, I know that I let the pressure get the best of me. This is a memo to myself, on days like this... in moments like that. Be still, self. Just... listen. 

A reminder to myself that regardless of how the world around me - and those in it - choose to function, adhering to this myself is nobody's responsibility but mine, and it should be one that I actively choose to make each and every single day. Can you imagine if we all made strives for the greatness of glorification of the God who made us, and for each other, rather than for our own often-depraved agendas? #fantasyworld

Lastly, this one. There were several others that seemed so much more cleverly-worded, philosophical, more eloquent, more visually enticing, whatever... but I saw this one and realized that it's the exact opposite of what my human brain wants to do on days like this. It is the exact opposite of what I want to do, but the exact thing I need to do. Amen? Amen.

It's days... like... this.... just breathe. :)

I read those again a few times, and then looked up to my own life here in this moment, right now:

I am home. I am here, present in this moment and proud of the simple little life that I'm blessed to be a part of. Love & light, from us to you.

Happy Thursday!

xo | cmd

The "Last Lunch" [For NOW, That Is...]

Just.. in.. case you've found yourself here, on my blog for the first time, I'll catch you up to speed in just a few words:

I'm leaving TOMORROW for a week-long missions trip. To Panama. 

It's only one week, yes, but this is far from a little venture. There is a lot ahead of us over the next seven days, and while I'm excited, I'm still human, and have struggled on and off for the past couple of weeks with the anticipation, inklings of worry and doubt that I've deliberately had to focus to dismiss. Not suppress, but completely dismiss. With what we'll be doing, there is no room for the human hesitations to cloud the beautiful work that is in store. 

Today was a fair wrap-up to a week that's been rightfully challenging. There is more truth than imaginable that when we intentionally set out to pursue a course of sharing Christ with the world, the opposing forces retaliate in full force to try and derail us. To demotivate and discourage. To cripple, tarnish and destroy our work, and to strip us of our resolve. It has never been more clearly evident of that happening than the past two weeks. 

That being said, I am here after a day of winding down and last-minute preparation for my team at work, and at home, too. During the day, Elisa, Carri and I finally made it over to Elisa's stomping grounds for our traditional Friday lunch - J. Alexander's! A veggie burger with some orzo & rice certainly isn't a bad "last lunch" before a week of Cliff Bars and free-range mountain fare. :) 

yummmm! 

^ Nom nom nom NOM. Elisa, I really don't know how you work there and don't weigh 500 pounds. Honestly. Haha. :) 

I met my parents and Sydni back on the homefront, where Mom [sidenote: if you know my mom, you know she comes bearing food like.... everywhere. I mean... yeah, everywhere] had dinner plans in the works. We went through the usual formalities of our visits: Pictures, catching up on the past several weeks in which we haven't seen each other, and sharing the most recent news from both sides. I so under-express how much I truly appreciate my parents, and how I hope to model them more and more as I continue to mature into my own life. Syd is headed to spend her Spring Break next week with them; I'm jealous of that time, but know they'll both have a blast! 

So her I am: On my couch in a silent house. Rob's taken off with the pups to see his family and friends for a couple days; my parents and Sydni left a few hours ago and I've circled out and back to finish the last two errands on the list. 

If you came here, and you're reading this sometime while I'm away in Panama, please take a quick moment to pray for my team. Please pray that we'll be kept safe in our travels throughout the week, that our stomachs will agree with the sudden change in diets ;) and that the creatures and critters of the mountains understand we're there as friends.. haha. All of those things would be great, but more and most importantly, please pray that our audience is not only open ears, but open minds and receptive hearts. Please pray that we are able to contribute in tangible ways to the furthering of their church community, already in the making well before any of us committed to this trip. 

Please pray for us. In all arenas of this next week: physically, emotionally and of course spiritually. I know that I can confidently speak on behalf of myself and my entire team when I say that the amount of support we've received is overwhelming. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU all for the love, donations and prayer you've sent our way over the past several weeks. 

Rob & Sydni, this week will fly by & I'll see you both soon. My energy is devoted to this trip, but you are both my home and I already look forward to coming home to you two. ♥

This girl... is out. 

See ya in a week, tech world :).

Love, Honor & BLESSINGS!

xo | cmd

Two-Day Thursday

I'm down to two days and counting for departure to Panama!

I headed into work today, rushed as usual after having a night out much later than necessary last night, which of course led to a sluggish start to the morning. I wasn't able to really catch Rob on the way out as we both hustled to get ourselves to our jobs by go-time. 

As I sat at my desk mid-morning, this sporty little thing came strolling up to the front row of my office: 

say what? 

The guy driving that car [RENTAL, let's be clear.. hahaha..] came right into my office, had some small talk with Elisa and then headed back to my little space. That guy is more than I've ever deserved; he came across town from his office, a clear 25+minute detour from our house, to see me before heading back home to pack his stuff and load up the dogs for a mini getaway to STL. He hit the road today, while I was still working, but made it a point to see me before he left. I won't see him again until next Saturday... *sigh. 

((p.s. - I get to marry that guy!! ♥♥))

see ya in a week, loves! 

With Rob & the furballs out for the evening, Sydni and I made our version of Thursday, complete with dinner, books, MLP dolls and snuggles. Seriously. This girl...

love her! 

It's been a crazy week so far. Nana & Pappy come in town tomorrow, and it's finally Friday... time for bed!

xo | cmd

Stop For A Minute... And Just.. Look.

Because when you stop and look around,
this life is pretty amazing. 

- Anon.

Today I am grateful for the eyes that saw this sunrise this morning. 

I am thankful for the ears that heard not only the sounds of the city, but the sound of the breeze. 

I am thankful for the nose that smelled the morning lifting off the ground when I walked outside. 

I am thankful for the sensation in my body - the chill of
morning air and the warmth of sun on my face.

I am thankful for a heart dedicated to God, who created this beautiful picture for us all to see. 

I am thankful. I am whole.

Happy Thursday ♥

xo | cmd 

BRAKE For Tuesday ♥

Today was one of those days that flew by at mach speed, but when it ended, I could barely put its contents in the right order.

And it hit me like a brick:

[Thank you, stock photos... haha]

But seriously. Today was the blur of a blur, and my head started spinning without my consent. It was a bad day by any stretch, but I found myself leaning into that natural tendency to feel as though I should start planning and preparing for tomorrow, before today even ended. In some cases, that's needed, but today, no. Today I needed to step back for a moment and recognize the fact that I've got it pretty good. My life's a far cry from perfect, but it's not lacking anything that debilitates me by its absence. I have less than many, yet more than most. There are things I still want, places I want to go, people I long to meet and experiences I dream to have, but if I just..

.... slow...
.... down...
... & just...
........ BE... for a moment or two, I realize that those things are dreams, yes, but the reality is just as beautiful and not worth missing out on.

I can only assume that this is God's way of tugging on my soul to put the brakes on my mind for a moment so that I can realign with every big and small blessing that sits right in my lap as we speak.

So it's Tuesday and I'm... happy. Relaxed, confident and able. :)
I hope you are, too.

xo | cmd

Calming My Heart: The Instagram Way

Something inside me started digging today. It's a culmination of my life at work [which has seen smoother days] and the anticipation of the trip I'm taking in a few short weeks. My mind was restless this morning, unable to focus and stay grounded. I felt like my thoughts were disconnected, scattered and agitated.

It wasn't until I stopped everything and went to Google. I was thankful today for the readily-available plethora of soothing, hipster-printed quotes, verses and adages, aesthetically designed for people going through a moment just like mine this morning. I'm not usually a sucker for posting pre-made artsy renditions of these things, but today it was what my heart needed to re-locate its pace and get me off of the spiritual arrhythmia I was experiencing.

Let me break this down:

When my flustered, bumbling fingers hit the keyboard in search of some small ounce of peace, this is the first thing that popped up:

Oh. Well, okay then.
Deep breaths.. in... and out. Repeat. Now focus, read, download, absorb.

Much of my immediately recent anxiety has been the product of my job. Before I go any further, let me be clear that I absolutely love what I do. I feel that I've been called to do this work, at least for now, and have no intentions of changing gears in that regard. However, just like most jobs, there are patches of turbulence, and it's safe to say that my team and I are in the midst of one of those now. It has been a steady bubble of activity that I have let cloud my resolve and on some days, allow seeds of resentment and bitterness to fester. Try as I may, there are days when my head and heart are exhausted by it all, and I am left to face an 8-hour day without the joy and passion that I know really exist in my work.

^ That showed up on my screen, and the first emotional response I had was guilt.

Guilt. 

I'm not perfect, ya'll. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe not in a long-term capacity, but oftentimes the ability to forgive someone for something within the immediate period of time following what I've deemed an offense... just doesn't exist. I grapple with this a lot, and today I had a heart check that pushed me straight into a prayer. A desperate prayer for forgiveness, and to give forgiveness. I know that when I forgive others, I forgive myself. It's not up to me to decide who is and isn't worthy of truly being forgiven, but it is my responsibility to let go and LET GOD.

^Ok, ok.. I know.. That one's really cliche, I know. BUT, it's true. I had to recalibrate big time this morning. I had to remember that while it seems as though I'm just on repeat most days [while I'm in the moment, at least], the bigger picture has always been, is and will continue to be a reflection of culminating works, actions, responses and growth. It's not just another day, even though this morning was a prime example of me approaching it that way. I was actively pushing back against the stresses of my morning with a malicious spirit, rather than breathing in the fact that I'd done nothing to earn this entirely brand new day I'd been given. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with the God I love, so what am I so stinkin' concerned about?!

And then I boiled down to the next thing causing ripples. This trip to Panama.
But it's a missions trip, Cori... Why is that a bad thing?!

Well, it's not [a bad thing]. It's not at all. What it is though, is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. It's one of those things in life that presents us with a wide range of response options: fear, resistance, placidity, tolerance, acceptance, embracing..... or any combination of those.

It's funny how something new can elicit a whole bunch of emotional responses that we didn't see coming, and oftentimes [as in my case today] don't even recognize until we're knee [or kneck..] deep in them.

I am always amazed at just how quickly my attitude and energy changes when I intentionally channel my focus into a simple but deliberate chain of positive and encouraging thought. As I processed through each of these things separately this morning, I felt my mood and general approach to it all starting to lighten. I felt more relaxed, less anxious. I felt more patient, less agitated. I felt more receptive to whatever the day [& people in it] had for me, and less dreading of those same things.

I could physically feel my heart slowing. I felt my hands convert from clenched fingers to palms with light fingers. I realized that I was forcefully smashing together the small and big pictures of my life as it currently sits, as opposed to allowing the two to compliment each other and cross paths when it was due. I am preparing for an international mission trip, but I also have a daily mission here at home.. and they're not that different when you strip away the travel, preparation and itinerary: Love God, Love People.. Show Light & Show Hope. I am built [we all are!] to do those things.. so...

^ Send me. Send my soul, my heart & my mind. Locally and internationally. Here I am. Send me.

Just so you know, the rest of my day didn't just magically poof into a smooth sail after my mini meltdown and re-calibration this morning. The events of the last several months and whatever people involved didn't just fall down at my feet to cater to my vision of a well-oiled operation. The grind of activity that is standard daily didn't change. There were a couple of 10-15 minute spans dotted throughout the day that actually highlighted the stresses of what we do. They were there to challenge my resolve. To strengthen my endurance, and teach me a thing or two about patience and grace. No, my day didn't warp into a fairy tale. What changed was my attitude.

I am daily reminded to let go, and let God. Worry doesn't provide any benefit to our bodies or minds, let alone to our souls. It's not fair to sit and stress about what is coming. I'm not saying I don't want to be prepared to handle whatever it is that's coming; I'm not saying that at all. I hope I've not conveyed advocacy of cavalier, reckless and without direction approach to life or circumstance, because that's not what I'm encouraging. What I am saying is that we should work daily, in whatever small ways we can to prepare our hearts and minds so that when life does hand us those things, we can react with grace, endurance and love.

And for myself and any of you out there who find yourselves at the bottom of the barrel in whatever it is, here's this:

Saying that it's never too late actually isn't true. When we're dead, then it's too late, yes. However until then, why do we allow ourselves to believe that change isn't possible? It takes a full commitment, yes, but it's possible. It is possible to reconstruct whatever part of us has been broken. The key is making sure we separate our broken pieces from what it was that broke us in the first place, and be intentional not to use both in the reconstruction.

Whew. Thanks for bearing with me, if you did actually manage all the way through my little mini-sermon. This, as most if not all of my blog entries, was written more for myself than anyone else, but if you were encouraged at all by it, then I am happy all over again. I'll leave it in the universe, with the rest of these entries for the taking :).

That being said, every solid sermon ends with a call to action.

Self, here's yours. Quit sitting around in whatever rut of self-pity has taken over you in whatever situation you're working through. Life is not guaranteed, and every decision you make produces a consequence, be it good or bad.

So..

1. STOP what you're doing & just... BE STILL. 

2. GIVE THANKS & ask for what you need through PRAYER. 

3. GET UP and DO SOMETHING about it :) 

Love, gratitude & honor to you all, blogbots!

xo | cmd

Snowy Snowy Snow Days...

Cincinnati finally succumbed to the snow we've not really seen much at all so far this year.
OH, and it's President's Day - a holiday recognized by seemingly every business except ours.
Just kididng. Kinda. ;)

Today... was a mess.

[thanks, google!]

 ^ I skipped taking pictures of everything around me today covered with white flakes, but that picture kind sums up what today really was. SNOW. Lots.. of snow. I mean, we're not on Boston's level yet or anything like that, but if I didn't know any better, I would have believed that Cincinnatians have in fact never seen snow. It was a little ridiculous out there.

So with that being said, the majority of Cincinnati stood dormant today: schools, many businesses, cars with poorly-performing tires... etc. Between the holiday and the snow, it was recommended across the board that everyone stay in unless absolutely necessary.

We had a short day, so that was nice. The snow hindered most of our workload unanswered, since our clients were mostly closed, and new interviews opted out of traveling through the mess for that. I'm happy to say I accomplished at least one thing that brightened up the otherwise drab & freezing day:

pto for dayyyyyyys ;) 

That's right, I finally added all of my impending PTO to the board, and with sweet satisfaction took solace in knowing that the blistery-blustery crap of today is only temporary.

With the work day behind me, I headed home to spend the extended evening with my little family.

dinner in on a cold night = ♥♥♥. 

Sydni and I snuggled up for a little bit for some e-gaming..

♥ my mini! 

And of course, her artwork for the evening [I am seriously one proud little mama]:

omagosh... love. her. 

^^ She was so proud of this! And I am so proud of her! The lucky little bug doesn't have school again tomorrow, so she was granted a half hour of staying up past her bedtime... Mama however still has to work in the morning, and I'm betting the roads are going to be... a blast.

G'Nite from our family to yours - Stay SAFE & WARM out there!!

xo | cmd