Something inside me started digging today. It's a culmination of my life at work [which has seen smoother days] and the anticipation of the trip I'm taking in a few short weeks. My mind was restless this morning, unable to focus and stay grounded. I felt like my thoughts were disconnected, scattered and agitated.
It wasn't until I stopped everything and went to Google. I was thankful today for the readily-available plethora of soothing, hipster-printed quotes, verses and adages, aesthetically designed for people going through a moment just like mine this morning. I'm not usually a sucker for posting pre-made artsy renditions of these things, but today it was what my heart needed to re-locate its pace and get me off of the spiritual arrhythmia I was experiencing.
Let me break this down:
When my flustered, bumbling fingers hit the keyboard in search of some small ounce of peace, this is the first thing that popped up:
Oh. Well, okay then.
Deep breaths.. in... and out. Repeat. Now focus, read, download, absorb.
Much of my immediately recent anxiety has been the product of my job. Before I go any further, let me be clear that I absolutely
love what I do. I feel that I've been called to do this work, at least for now, and have no intentions of changing gears in that regard.
However, just like most jobs, there are patches of turbulence, and it's safe to say that my team and I are in the midst of one of those now. It has been a steady bubble of activity that I have let cloud my resolve and on some days, allow seeds of resentment and bitterness to fester. Try as I may, there are days when my head and heart are exhausted by it all, and I am left to face an 8-hour day without the joy and passion that I know really exist in my work.
^ That showed up on my screen, and the first emotional response I had was guilt.
Guilt.
I'm not perfect, ya'll. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe not in a long-term capacity, but oftentimes the ability to forgive someone for something within the
immediate period of time following what I've deemed an offense... just doesn't exist. I grapple with this a lot, and today I had a heart check that pushed me straight into a prayer. A desperate prayer
for forgiveness, and to
give forgiveness. I
know that when I forgive others, I forgive myself. It's not up to me to decide who is and isn't worthy of truly being forgiven, but it
is my responsibility to let go and LET GOD.
^Ok, ok.. I know.. That one's
really cliche, I know. BUT, it's true. I had to recalibrate big time this morning. I had to remember that while it seems as though I'm just on repeat most days [while I'm in the moment, at least], the bigger picture has always been, is and will continue to be a reflection of culminating works, actions, responses and growth. It's not
just another day, even though this morning was a prime example of me approaching it that way. I was actively pushing back against the stresses of my morning with a malicious spirit, rather than breathing in the fact that I'd done nothing to
earn this entirely brand new day I'd been given. I don't have a religion. I have a
relationship with the God I love, so what am I so stinkin' concerned about?!
And then I boiled down to the next thing causing ripples. This trip to Panama.
But it's a missions trip, Cori... Why is that a bad thing?!
Well, it's not [a bad thing]. It's not at all. What it
is though, is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. It's one of those things in life that presents us with a
wide range of response options: fear, resistance, placidity, tolerance, acceptance, embracing..... or any combination of those.
It's funny how something
new can elicit a whole
bunch of emotional responses that we didn't see coming, and oftentimes [as in my case today] don't even recognize until we're knee [or kneck..] deep in them.
I am
always amazed at just how quickly my attitude and energy changes when I intentionally channel my focus into a simple but deliberate chain of positive and encouraging thought. As I processed through each of these things separately this morning, I felt my mood and general approach to it all starting to lighten. I felt more relaxed, less anxious. I felt more patient, less agitated. I felt more receptive to whatever the day [& people in it] had for me, and less dreading of those same things.
I could
physically feel my heart slowing. I felt my hands convert from clenched fingers to palms with light fingers. I realized that I was forcefully smashing together the small and big pictures of my life as it currently sits, as opposed to allowing the two to compliment each other and cross paths when it was due. I am preparing for an international mission trip, but I
also have a daily mission here at home.. and they're not
that different when you strip away the travel, preparation and itinerary: Love God, Love People.. Show Light & Show Hope. I am built [we
all are!] to do those things.. so...
^ Send me. Send my soul, my heart & my mind. Locally and internationally. Here I am. Send me.
Just so you know, the rest of my day didn't just magically
poof into a smooth sail after my mini meltdown and re-calibration this morning. The events of the last several months and whatever people involved didn't just fall down at my feet to cater to my vision of a well-oiled operation. The grind of activity that is standard daily didn't change. There were a couple of 10-15 minute spans dotted throughout the day that actually highlighted the stresses of what we do. They were there to challenge my resolve. To strengthen my endurance, and teach me a thing or two about patience and grace. No, my day didn't warp into a fairy tale. What changed was my attitude.
I am daily reminded to let go, and let God. Worry doesn't provide any benefit to our bodies or minds, let alone to our souls. It's not fair to sit and stress about what is coming. I'm not saying I don't want to be prepared to handle whatever it is that's coming; I'm not saying that at all. I hope I've not conveyed advocacy of cavalier, reckless and without direction approach to life or circumstance, because that's not what I'm encouraging. What I
am saying is that we should work daily, in whatever small ways we can to prepare our hearts and minds so that when life does hand us those things, we can react with grace, endurance and love.
And for myself and any of you out there who find yourselves at the bottom of the barrel in whatever it is, here's this:
Saying that it's
never too late actually
isn't true. When we're dead,
then it's too late, yes. However
until then, why do we allow ourselves to believe that change isn't possible? It takes a full commitment, yes, but it's possible. It
is possible to reconstruct whatever part of us has been broken. The key is making sure we separate our broken pieces from what it was that broke us in the first place, and be intentional not to use both in the reconstruction.
Whew. Thanks for bearing with me, if you did actually manage all the way through my little mini-sermon. This, as most if not all of my blog entries, was written more for myself than anyone else, but if you were encouraged at all by it, then I am happy all over again. I'll leave it in the universe, with the rest of these entries for the taking :).
That being said, every solid sermon ends with a call to action.
Self, here's yours. Quit sitting around in whatever rut of self-pity has taken over you in whatever situation you're working through. Life is not guaranteed, and every decision you make produces a consequence, be it good or bad.
So..
1. STOP what you're doing & just... BE STILL.
2. GIVE THANKS & ask for what you need through PRAYER.
3. GET UP and DO SOMETHING about it :)
Love, gratitude & honor to you all, blogbots!
xo |
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