Today was a challenge. Again, a good challenge, but also the type that can so easily ignite that spark of doubt in my own abilities: patience, diligence, memory, etc. I'm doing the right things, but am I doing enough of them? Am I doing them quickly enough? Why am I not doing more??
These are questions that poison my productivity on days like today, when the schedule I've written for myself becomes so diluted with unexpected activity that there's only a few checkmarks on the whole thing at the end of the day.
The following is page 45 from Shauna Niequist's book, Savor. It's a 365-day devotional that I incorporate from time to time as I do my daily quiet time. Ironically enough, I didn't read this until after the work day had closed, but hey - isn't that just like our God - to give us the material we need at just the right time, to ensure that we will fully and wholly absorb it the way He intends?
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Page 45.
Dated February 9
The Poison of "Everything"
"What you are doing is not good... The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone."
- Exodus 18: 17-18
Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.
One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction.
Deciding what I want my life to be about isn't that hard. But deciding what I'm willing to give up for those things is like yoga for the superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside who exists only for what people think.
GOD IS the only one who can handle everything. Pray for a few moments, and give over to God the many things you've been carrying.
****************************So..... today is February 9th. Today was that particular collection of words that comprised exactly what I wanted but simultaneously don't want to hear. I have many character flaws, but the most prominent I'm certain, is my frequent and adamant inability at times to delegate. That word, to me, sets of an alarming illusion that I'm not doing my part. That I'm on the field but I'm not running. That I'm not pulling my weight, and that I'm forsaking whatever training and preparation I've invested into the task at hand, to be passive or lazy.
^^ Doesn't that sound delusional? Or, am I not the only one who's a control freak when it comes to the job that I'm paid to do, but sometimes feel is going to overpower me? I know I'm good at what I do, and that I'm making a difference, but days like today just make me feel like honestly, I'm not doing that thing I'm good at ... good enough.
It's a tough pill to swallow, and tastes a little like how I'd imagine a vinegar and brussel sprouts smoothie would taste, when I back down and ask for help. It's a PRIDE issue, that is ultimately a sin, being committed intentionally and defiantly by yours truly, when I refuse to accept help that is offered, for a task realistically too large for me to conquer alone.In my defense, I've become much better at warding off the enticing charms of everything. I once was that girl who did what she could to oblige every request, and wound up on 3 different church committees, hosting a "small group" of 6 couples at her home weekly, rearranged personal errands and other time-sensitive things to assist on a project or a social gathering for someone's birthday - and volunteer immediately to bring literally anything that was needed. That was me. I wanted selfishly to feel like I was contributing, and wasn't satisfied until I'd successfully outdid... who, myself?!
Lame. But yeah, at any rate, I've made strides in that respect, and now it's time for me to recalibrate and make a concerted effort on relinquishing some of the workload. This applies for the office and home. I haven't indulged myself as much as I'd like [yet] with our church, I think for fear that I'll tumble head first like I've done before, wanting to help and contribute and volunteer and assist and cover and all those other things I did before that drained me of every last ounce of energy I had.
I needed this today. I need this tomorrow. I need this to pop up as a scheduled alert once every hour. I need to be reminded that the poison of everything is very much a reality in my world. I need to split that up in some things and only take on what I can manage.
On that note, I'll leave this here for tonight, and for anyone out there who needs to see the same thing I needed today. I hope it helps. I write these blogs for myself more than anyone else; this is an entry I'll be back to read.
Sending love, discernment and the ability to delegate.. your way, blogbots!
P.S. - Yes, today was the snowiest we've had in a while, and it was beautiful. Messy, but beautiful. Kinda like... the rest of my life. And that's just fine with me :).
Happy Tuesday, all of you. See you tomorrow!
xo | cmd
