"The Poison of Everything"

Today was a good day. To say it was "busy" is a gross understatement, but it was the good kind of busy: The kind that reminds me that the activity I push myself to accomplish daily - despite the inevitable hurdles to come with it - is an element in a bigger, beneficial picture. It's not all in vain, and it's hard now, but like any labor of love, will shine later as a finished piece built properly.

Today was a challenge. Again, a good challenge, but also the type that can so easily ignite that spark of doubt in my own abilities: patience, diligence, memory, etc. I'm doing the right things, but am I doing enough of them? Am I doing them quickly enough? Why am I not doing more??

These are questions that poison my productivity on days like today, when the schedule I've written for myself becomes so diluted with unexpected activity that there's only a few checkmarks on the whole thing at the end of the day.

The following is page 45 from Shauna Niequist's book, Savor. It's a 365-day devotional that I incorporate from time to time as I do my daily quiet time. Ironically enough, I didn't read this until after the work day had closed, but hey - isn't that just like our God - to give us the material we need at just the right time, to ensure that we will fully and wholly absorb it the way He intends?

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Page 45. 

Dated February 9

The Poison of "Everything"

"What you are doing is not good... The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone."
- Exodus 18: 17-18

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.

One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction. 

Deciding what I want my life to be about isn't that hard. But deciding what I'm willing to give up for those things is like yoga for the superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside who exists only for what people think.

GOD IS the only one who can handle everything. Pray for a few moments, and give over to God the many things you've been carrying. 

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So..... today is February 9th. Today was that particular collection of words that comprised exactly what I wanted but simultaneously don't want to hear. I have many character flaws, but the most prominent I'm certain, is my frequent and adamant inability at times to delegate. That word, to me, sets of an alarming illusion that I'm not doing my part. That I'm on the field but I'm not running. That I'm not pulling my weight, and that I'm forsaking whatever training and preparation I've invested into the task at hand, to be passive or lazy.

^^ Doesn't that sound delusional? Or, am I not the only one who's a control freak when it comes to the job that I'm paid to do, but sometimes feel is going to overpower me? I know I'm good at what I do, and that I'm making a difference, but days like today just make me feel like honestly, I'm not doing that thing I'm good at ... good enough.

It's a tough pill to swallow, and tastes a little like how I'd imagine a vinegar and brussel sprouts smoothie would taste, when I back down and ask for help. It's a PRIDE issue, that is ultimately a sin, being committed intentionally and defiantly by yours truly, when I refuse to accept help that is offered, for a task realistically too large for me to conquer alone.

In my defense, I've become much better at warding off the enticing charms of everything. I once was that girl who did what she could to oblige every request, and wound up on 3 different church committees, hosting a "small group" of 6 couples at her home weekly, rearranged personal errands and other time-sensitive things to assist on a project or a social gathering for someone's birthday - and volunteer immediately to bring literally anything that was needed. That was me. I wanted selfishly to feel like I was contributing, and wasn't satisfied until I'd successfully outdid... who, myself?!

Lame. But yeah, at any rate, I've made strides in that respect, and now it's time for me to recalibrate and make a concerted effort on relinquishing some of the workload. This applies for the office and home. I haven't indulged myself as much as I'd like [yet] with our church, I think for fear that I'll tumble head first like I've done before, wanting to help and contribute and volunteer and assist and cover and all those other things I did before that drained me of every last ounce of energy I had.

I needed this today. I need this tomorrow. I need this to pop up as a scheduled alert once every hour. I need to be reminded that the poison of everything is very much a reality in my world. I need to split that up in some things and only take on what I can manage.

On that note, I'll leave this here for tonight, and for anyone out there who needs to see the same thing I needed today. I hope it helps. I write these blogs for myself more than anyone else; this is an entry I'll be back to read.

Sending love, discernment and the ability to delegate.. your way, blogbots!

P.S. - Yes, today was the snowiest we've had in a while, and it was beautiful. Messy, but beautiful. Kinda like... the rest of my life. And that's just fine with me :).

 

Happy Tuesday, all of you. See you tomorrow! 

  

xo | cmd

Sunday Love

PLEASE CHECK BACK in a few days for the audio clip of the sermon from the service this morning. I'll try and upload it as soon as it's available.
You'll need to listen to this. I needed to listen to this, again, even after hearing it this morning at church. I'll keep ya posted.

Post-church, we voted for Bob Evans, and made a full Kenwood run out of it. Sydni found a Christmas tree that was, 'just her size' at B.E., and was under the belief that she made me take a picture of her next to it. Really, I was doing mental fist pumps that she was being camera-cooperative today ;)

minime & a minitree!

"okay, mr. rob, now pick me up
so i'm taller than the tree!"

Gosh. Love.
Rob & I sat down tonight to plan out a few more pretty important components of his planned relocation here to Cincinnati; I must say... I'm pretty. stinkin'. excited. More on that to come later, too!

He heads back to IL tomorrow, and Sydni will start off her week's time away again, so for now, g'nite!

xo | cmd

Love. Shameless. Real = Shamelessly REAL Love.

I’m feeling especially grateful today. Bear with me.

There were a few different ways I thought to approach this; the first would have been cautiously, for the sake of prying, nosy eyes, and the other for the benefit of self-expression and the reality that I no longer have to hide behind any sort of façade for the benefit of the aforementioned [chew on that]. I’ve earned a hard-fought degree in lessons recently on shielding myself from reality, and shielding reality from those around me who would rather spread a headline than read it.

That being said, it’s my hope that I’ll look back at this some time from now and remember the way I felt when I finally started to discover that part of myself that I’d reserved for only myself, for far too long. There are bits and pieces of my emotional state that I let show, but in filtered segments and surely diluted. More often than not, I was 110% guilty of smiling when I wanted to scream, laughing when I wanted to cry, and volunteering my participation into whatever event or activity was presented, when everything in me was protesting... begging me to retreat into solitude. A lot of people call that a people-pleaser. That was me. So yeah, I was pretty fake.

We can all identify with the quality of fake things. Knock-off product brands rarely hold up to their genuine competition, manufactured additions we add to our bodies are constantly requiring attention or maintenance, …. And when was the last time a TOY replica of anything was able to compete with the real thing? Why was I really all that surprised that my pretending to be happy with a life that only partially satisfied me would last?

  

Today, for some reason, I feel like celebrating. Not the throw-a-party kinda thing, but an honest, earnest expression of gratitude for the place I find myself in right now.

Here’s the thing:

I am moving back to Ohio in less than 3 weeks, for the sake of my family [Sydni]. It’s a move that has me both excited and anxious: Sydni will have both of her parents within earshot, thus eliminating the 6-hr trip that we’re both making to do biweekly exchanges. For that reason alone, I’m propelled enough to tackle the gritty tasks of coordinating housing, lining up a job, and getting everything packed up for transfer back to Cincinnati. On the flip side of that, I’ll be leaving a job here that I love, friends I’ve come to respect and adore, and a boyfriend who has been nothing but honest, real and supportive of my journey through not just my repair process, but more importantly the intense brokenness that came before it. Aside from my coworkers and a small handful of friends who’ve bothered to stick around, I’ve started to mend at the hands of Sydni, the love of my life… and Rob: the boyfriend and confidante who has reminded me how valuable -- and rare -- balanced relationships really are.  

inspired: to be a mother. a better mother. daily.
inspired: to be a companion. a better companion. daily.

Kids, I may be far behind schedule on learning the trick to this life thing, but the way I’ve got it figured, it’s never too late to discover yourself…. Or in my case, to acknowledge and follow it.

You'll never catch me claiming to be flawless. I’ve made more mistakes than I care to list, and I’ve hurt more people than I ever should have. At the same time, I haven’t put nearly enough effort into defending myself against the stones that anyone may’ve cast not just in my general direction, but at my head. The way I see it, there’s a certain pride I've never been able to shake; it dictates that I choose my battles wisely and my confrontations even more scarcely. Quite frankly, I see no point in lashing back against people who slander only to justify themselves. Plain and simple. The problem that I face with that is that my silence is more often than not mistaken as an admission of guilt to whatever accusation is on the table. 

“If she has nothing to say, clearly she’s guilty.”

 Okay.

This is the beauty of self-discovery. You realize so much about yourself and you know the truth to the rumors. At the end of the day, you’ll sleep just fine knowing that the bloated proportions in which those around you choose to meddle are just that: bloated, exaggerated and positioned to solicit pity. The irony in it is that I pity more the blinded minds that accept things at face value without investing an inch of effort to educate themselves on the full story. I pity anyone, myself included [because I've done it] who follows the claims of any one source without regard to fact. If it's drama we're after, well... call me indifferent if you will, but quite frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.

The weird part is, right now, I’m faced with coordinating a relocation two states away, remotely. I have little time to finalize everything, and even less time to squeeze in for the people who’ve made such an impact on me for the time I’ve been here. I’ll be moving closer to the one person who fooled even my critical eye for far too long, and starting from scratch on a job. ALL THAT BEING SAID, I feel more blessed than ever even in circumstance. I am stressed, but I am happy.

Let me repeat: I am stressed, but I AM HAPPY.

Crazy, isn’t it?  I look back to my life pre-discovery, some 6-8 months ago and realize I had very few actual cares to tend to, but save for my daughter, I was otherwise the unhappiest I have ever been, ever. Now, in a state of complete flux and minimally-managed chaos, I am more content than I've been in a long time. I am anxious, yes. Worried? No. Fearful of the future? Not anymore. Oh, the volumes....

……………………………………… *Sigh.

Here’s a letter I wrote to myself…. 

turning a new leaf. i'm ready.

I titled this entry the way I did because I am finally acknowledging to both myself and anyone who cares to listen, that I am me. I am imperfect, but healing and learning daily at the hands of my creator, held accountable by family, and held in place by friends. I am shamelessly honest with myself and now with those around me. I will follow His direction as best I can, and I'll love every day knowing the next isn't promised. The wolves can only get me if I let them, but I've filled my schedule.... that'll have to wait. 

I love my Lord, my Savior.
I love my daughter.
I love my friends.
I love my boyfriend.
And I love my life. I don't deserve an inch of it.

Moral of the story, folks:
Be REAL. Be HONEST. BE SHAMELESS.
Love yourself, and love others. It’ll change your life.

xo | cmd