And This I Know.

It's been one of those weeks.
2018 is drawing to a close, and Christmas is just around the corner.
My heart feels joyful and heavy all at once.
More to come...

xxo | cmd

Hello, August!

Where did this summer go? I saw a quote earlier today or yesterday somewhere on Instagram: 

June & July lasted 4 seconds.

(They're not wrong).

I feel like this Summer has flown straight past me; I gathered that much when June hit and I was in Panama, and then proceeded to spend the rest of June out of state on the weekends. July wasn't much different. Now we're here, it's August 1st, and today was a GOOD DAY to slow down and enjoy it.

I got drafted to head northward for my office's weekly interview round-up in Warren County. Ashley's on vacation this week, and I'm the next closest geographically, so off I went this morning to Lebanon. It was a standard morning of interviews, new employee orientations... all the fun stuff that comprises my day-in-day-out. 

AND THENNNN.. 

helloooooooo, gorgeous!

I'd never been to the heart of Lebanon, so I typed in 'coffee' and waited to see what happened. As it turns out, there are at least four coffee shops/houses in cute little Lebanon, so I picked the first one and saved the rest to explore another day. 

I picked right. 

This is exactly what I picture when I think of quirky little cafe/coffee joints: It was tucked into a row of street-side businesses, decorated like a parlour, and covered with chalkboards and coffee-themed things. The board inside the doorway reads, 'FUN FACT: We have a different flavored coffee EVERY DAY!' And obviously this was where I was supposed to come, because I have an irrational desire for this stuff. 

^^ lampshade ceiling ^^ 

Approaching the counter to order food is a serious affair for me, although not as serious as trying to find a place to order the food in the first place. So I asked what the most popular dishes were on the menu, and was told that both the chicken salad sandwich and cornbread salad were award-winning (literally) items. Let's DO IT, because I am in no way a fan of making my own decisions at a food counter. 

how your food is delivered at royce cafe & coffeehouse:
ADORABLY.

I've never had so much non-salady salad on one plate. Frankly, I never even knew that was an option.

And then I saw this, which will be promptly displayed in my office when I get back to the homefront. I made it a point to thank the owner after this entire lunch experience for doing this, because not only is it a step and statement of faith to add scripture to a lunch order, but it told me that they'd thought well enough about how to encourage people, even if just for a second.

love, love, love.

On my way out, I ordered a Red Velvet Mocha, after again having asked for the most popular vote. Sure, let's do it... and omg this was the right choice kthanksi'llbebackbye. 

wifi password, also my life motto. 

SO FOLKS, if you're ever in or around Lebanon (OH), GO HERE. :)

And if you're ever in or around Eastgate (or Fairfield, don't forget!), go to Jungle Jim's and definitely buy escargot shells five-foot long dog ropes and mochi and most definitely 3 giant buckets of pop boba.

the filipino food aisle... 

Say yes to dog toys. Especially those that are taller than you and can withstand the force of two 70 pound dingos at home.

Today was a beautiful day, and August is here.
Let's do it!

xo | cms 

Monday in Corinthians (:

Today came and went in a flash. At work, it felt like we moved at one, consistently frantic pace all morning, and when I stopped to check the time, it was 4:15. Am I complaining? No (:

I ran a couple of errands after work before meeting up with Rob at the gym for a pretty good leg session. We stopped to grab a couple things at the grocery store afterwards, came home and made some chicken noodle soup, and now we're here, unwinding.

And I just dug into some scripture that one of my best friends now has tattooed on her arm because of how much she loves it. This happes to come out of the book of Corinthians, from which my first name also was derived [thanks, Mom & Dad!], and I can easily see why Ali loves this so much.

"For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory"
- 2 Cor 3:10

my dear friend ali's new tattoo!

There are a lot of ways to mull this one over; of course the first would be in context with the way it was written [go, go read the rest of it!], but for me, it's a concise reminder that the things of today hold no candle to the final prize for our faith. I'm definitely built in the human mold, so it's easy for me to lose sight of the fact that the here-and-now is temporary in contrast to the eternal glory of the Lord we serve.

It's Monday.
Deep breath, recite it.
Repeat.
Go. (:

Love you, blogbots.
Make it a great week!

xo | cmd

Missions Trip: The Decision

SO, hello Wednesday.
Hello rain...

... and snow.

Basically, hello, Ohio. Good to see you're still doing wel-- just doing. Glad to see you're at least consistently indecisive.

Aaaaanyway...

Today is Day 8 of my 40-Day Lent Letter promise:

day 8!

I've officially been doing this for a full week now, every day, and want to again just take a quick sec to encourage everyone to try this. Maybe not for Lent, but perhaps your own list, for your own reason. I'm a huge fan of the old fashioned handwritten note and this one today reminded me that even when writing to the people closest and often times most obvious to us, there are somehow things I don't know that I've ever said to them.. or at least not recently enough.

It's only been 8 days. I am not expecting anything in return with these, but to know that I'm making one person [hopefully] smile with just a small but sincere note is a very humble reminder of the responsibility we have to be active contributors in our relationships.


reply from one recipient

reply from another recipient

Our impacts are only as big as we allow them to be, but I'm a firm believer that they more often start with those closest to us. That, of course, got me to thinking.

Really, I'm certain I'm being called to do something bigger than [and in addition to] this.

I've just stepped out of a weekend spent with some of the finest friends I have. As it happens, two of my greatest friends both recently returned from separate, unrelated trips of service and mission in other countries. Becky realized her long-time dream of Nepal earlier this year:

becky during the dedication of their
finished project [construction] in nepal



 .. And Marianne is still quite fresh on her return from a missions-based trip to Guatemala.

mare loving on those adorable kids!

It's not that I am jealous. I'm really not. Every service trip has its own purpose, its own timing and its own set of gratitudes to be earned. What I am, is more inspired than anything else. It's not that I don't want to go to follow either of their trips to Nepal or Guatemala, but I do know that we are called to reach our arms as far as we can, and wherever that is, is where I'll be.

My request now, friends, is this:

Please pray for me.

A trip like this isn't something you plan out in a week's time. It's not a weekend getaway or a vacation. It's something to which I must be connected on a raw, unfiltered level, purposed to serve not myself, but someone else. As an internationally-adopted child myself, the very thought of positioning myself to serve in an orphanage is exhilirating, humbling and frankly, a little terrifying. I would love to believe that I have the emotional stability to contain myself in the faces of children who are not in the least unlike I was once. I know though, that I want to, and will be loving with all I have on some people I've not yet met.

The praying [for this] starts now.

The research starts now.

The planning starts now.

2015.

I am only asking now for you to pray for me. Please pray that the direction I choose is a selfless endeavor to kneel at the feet of the Least of These and offer the best of what I've been given, and that by this time next year, I'll be in the final stages of preparation for a trip.

The I heard the voice of the Lord saying,
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"Isaiah 6:8 

.. And you are welcome to join. Serious inquiries, only. Let me know, and we can pray for this together.

To end the day, I received some rather EXCITING [though at this time, pre-emptive] news from one of these beautiful souls I call friends. I can't elaborate on it right now, but I will use it as a testament that we serve no small God. Hopefully I'll be able to share more about this later, in a couple days or so. Sorry for the teaser!

On that note, the here-and-now of this evening ends with Sydni on one side of me and Rob on the other. This is my family, and this is where I'm happiest. I'm in love with it. Sweet dreams!

xo | cmd

Make-A-List Friday

TGIF!!!  

Oh man. There for a few minutes on Wednesday [remember, when I, and collectively the rest of my office team, thought it was Thursday?] that this week might actually continue on into 2014. Sure, it sounds dramatic, but I was ready to bid farewell on like, Tuesday morning. Just.. sayin'.

 

Thankfully, Fridays around here include all sorts of great things: the weekly office lunch, rough drafts of weekend plans and that insatiable knowledge that for two days... work will rest while we play.

 

My life revolves around lists. I make one for nearly everything. I don't know if that's an actual disorder, because someone with as many different lists should by proxy have it all together and be a beacon of organized, predictable momentum. Since I'm the opposite of that, I know that can't be their purpose. Oh well. I'll keep making them anyway...

It's November, which means half my Facebook feeds so far have been people sharing their day## of thankful person/place/thing. So today, in the spirit of being thankful - and boy, am i ever - here's a couple lists of my own.

 

There are 7 week, so here's 7 random lists of 7 in-no-particular-order things that have helped remind me this week why I should be grateful, not grumpy. ☺

 

WHY FALL & WINTER ARE OKAY {le cold months}

⋆ | It's November. My birthday is at the end of this month. Better than that, my birthday this year is on Black Friday. EVEN better, it's my "golden" birthday, meaning I'll be 29 on the 29th this year. That means I'm going to celebrate not being quite 30 yet by going not only nowhere near work, but absoluuuutely nowhere near a shopping mall or retail store that day. WIN!

⋆ | Thanksgiving. Duh! Bring on the family, the food [+the food coma] & the football!!

⋆ | Christmas. Double Duh! More family, more friends, happy kids everywhere who will get toys instead of clothes in pretty wrapped boxes. As I get older, I also see Christmas as an obligatory opportunity to reach out and show a little of that Christ-like love which I believe conquers everything. Haven't tried it yet? Donate 4 hours of your time at a soup kitchen, or fill up a shoebox with things on a list for a soldier overseas or a child who needs it. See if you don't enjoy Christmas on a whole new level.. I'm serious. [This is a GREAT way to get kids involved as a family project & show them how to be compassionate and generous to other people!]

⋆ | Snowboard season. I drool sometimes thinking about white, fluffy powder and ski lifts dropping me off at the top of a white slope. The board is waxed and tuned... who's with me?!

⋆ | HOT CHOCOLATE.

⋆ | I have an affinity for fleece blankets. Really, any blankets. It could be the middle of July and I still have a blanket handy at home. I know, it doesn't make sense in the summer months, but winter is the perfect excuse for me to shamelessly wear a snuggie around my house and dive into a bed layered with fuzzy warmth. I can't wait!  

⋆ | This December will close what has been the most tumultuous yet blessing year of my life to date. I have some people in my life who right now I could not imagine not being there, have overcome things I didn't know I was capable of conquering and have some pretty big things to anticipate for next year. Bring it on (:

 

FAVORITE SCRIPTURE {le B-i-b-l-e!}

[snippets that have definitely helped me through this past year]

⋆ | Romans 5:3-4 "... we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

⋆ | Proverbs 16:32 "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city."
⋆ | Micah 6:8 "...And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and walk humbly with your God."
⋆ |  James 1: 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
⋆ | Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed in strength & dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
⋆ | Isaiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
⋆ | James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

REASONS I LOVE ROB {le boyfriend}
[well, some of many]
⋆ | He gets me. Not in that cheesy 'we finish each other's sentences, like.. always!' kinda way, but in that way that typically only someone who's known you since before you knew that eating crayons and glue wasn't recommended knows you. He knows more about me sometimes than I think I do, even when I do that girly thing we do & try  to mask a feeling with "I'm okay"... ladies, ya KEEP the ones like this.

⋆ | He's compassionate. Sure, he's a pretty dudely dude, but he cares about other people and how they're doing... and if he can, he'll help.
⋆ | He's a handyman. You wanna talk about refreshing? Try being in a midnight downpour power outage with a dead sump pump, which would've flooded the entire basement had it not been for this guy. So what if it was something of a Frankensteinesque assembly; it was pitch black at 3am and the water stayed out.
⋆ | He respects me. That doesn't mean I boss him around all day [I respect him, too], but it does mean that he gives me space to move when I need it, tells me when he thinks something's a bad idea, but also knows I'm a big girl who can handle {most} of my undertakings on my own, and he expects me to do just that.
⋆ | He makes me laugh. Like, one of those real, gut-busting laughs. He's witty, sarcastic and can handle my like-minded sass in ways that just crack.. me.. up.
⋆ | We enjoy the same things! Sure, we each have our own thing, but when we hang out, there's no need to create an extensive agenda or get all fancy. Actually, our best days are spent on his motorcycle, out on the boat or romping around a mud pit somewhere in his truck.

⋆ | He loves my family.... and THEY love him. No more words needed there; that's a unique thing needing no further explanation.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY JOB {le paycheck}
⋆ | Dave, Nancy, Elisa & Nikki. You don't know what unhappy is until you have to work everyday in a space filled with people who don't get along. Fortunately, I don't have that issue. More than that, we're like a little family and that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, we LIKE it.

⋆ | WHAT I do. I'm in human resources, recruiting and staffing. That means that on any given day, I could meet both the happiest and frumpiest two people in the city, bill a fortune 500 company or turn a mom-n'-pop shop away from the idea of ever using an agency again, and make or break my own paycheck. What I know for a fact is that there is never a day just like the one before, and I am very literally helping people, every... single.. day. I'm giving back, and that makes me happy.
⋆ | My company. For the most part, it's simple to navigate, and there's not a lot of hidden agenda lurking around in the land of the big wigs. I came from a place a few years back where the hidden agenda was pretty much the only agenda; believe me, this is a stark contrast and I haven't looked back since.
⋆ | Networking! If you're from any concentrated metro/city region, you know how incestuous it can be [no, not that way; I'm not talking about genetics]. It is definitely true, here at least, that if you are a part of this city's professional fabric for any solid amount of time, you're connected to a... lot of people, who do a lot of different things. Sure, competition is rigid here, but on those special occasions when we band together as professionals to benefit each other's business, it's really a cool thing.
⋆ | I work with people.. all day long. I'm one of the wackos who loves working with people. We are all a little nutty, but I wouldn't change a thing.
⋆ | Since I started with this company, I've been blessed to work for three different owner couples, each to whom I attribute much of my professional success. That, and they're all just great people. My bosses currently are two of the most generous, understanding people I've ever encountered, and I have no doubt we will be soaring high next year!
⋆ | OFFICE LUNCHES!! I never thought I'd be in an office where the bosses treat everyone to Friday lunch..... every. single. Friday. Since today was Friday, we chose Naked Pizza just up the street in Rookwood. They delivered. It was amaaaaazing. We were happy. (:


#cincynakedpizza #calzone!

FRI+SAT+SUN WILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE... {le weekend}
⋆ | I don't work on Saturdays! I'm one of the lucky ones and I know it. Trust, I don't ever take that for granted. That means sleeping in, slow-cooked homemade breakfast, and if I'm feeling spry, Saturday morning cartoons. Don't you dare judge me.
⋆ | Brittany's birthday bonanza is tomorrow. That means a huge group dinner, followed by karaoke, undoubtedly littered the entire time with some of my favorite, hilarious people.
⋆ | Church Sunday. I chronicled last week about the Relentless series that my church is studying now. I've read up on some of the notes from last week and I am pretty much craaaving more.
⋆ | I have a retail mission this weekend. I'm one of those mutated human females that does not enjoy shopping for myself, but I've got an event scheduled next weekend for which I'll need to be donning something more than what I usually do. My goal: NOT spend an arm, a leg and an entire day doing it.
⋆ | Cincinnati is always busy. There's a laundry list of different things to do pretty much any and every weekend here. Off the top of my head I know there's a brew-off with Fifty West & Great Lakes tomorrow, and UBahn is happening all this weekend. We're no dull community!
⋆ | I am GOING to finish reading Allegiant this weekend! Nikki already told me the end of it is going to break my heart, but hey, I'll take it. I need to finish reading the daggone thing.
⋆ | Monday, though not part of the weekend, follows Sunday and that means Sydni will be back!! I can't wait to see her. I've even got a few surprises... sorry, no spoilers!

SYDNI IS MY CLONE BECAUSE {le daughter}
⋆ | She has my nose & my eyes. Her hair's much lighter and so is her skin tone, but she didn't escape the Filipino brown eyes and pug nose. Frankly, it's much cuter in a miniature version, just like every other stinkin' thing about her.
⋆ | We have the same food likes and dislikes. Likes? Popcorn, cereal, PB&J, spaghetti, chicken. Dislikes? Cauliflower, green olives, pickles, hot sauce.
⋆ | She's sassy. I mean, this one shouldn't be on here because I know I'm just bubbles and fluff and candid and all that....... yeah, that's completely bogus. She's got a little 'tude to her, which from what I hear from my parents' recollection of my childhood... is not far from the tree.
⋆ | She's ambidextrous, too! Well, from as far as I can tell.. granted she's only four, but still. She uses both hands, and I think I'll keep encouraging that.
⋆ | She's got a heck of a left foot on a soccer ball. Make mama PROUD with that one ;) ;)
⋆ | We sleep in the exact same positions, whether it's on our bellies or on our backs: bellies with elbows and hands tucked up under our chins, and backs with one hand behind our head and the other sprawled out wherever it lands.
⋆ | She has the same quick wit and clever - also stubborn - sense of independence that I know I had as a munchkin. She won't let anyone help her with something unless she's certain she can't do it. My mom'll be the first one to tell you she stopped being allowed to fix my hair when I was about... oh I dunno, four? [payback, Cori.... payback...]. While I know it's going to give me gray hair, vericose veins and probably a false heart attack or two when she's a teenager, I'm also inclined to be thankful of where that self-respecting, independent mind can carry her as an adult.

 & lastly....

This viral thing that's going around right now on Facebook... someone lists however many things about themselves that nobody knows, and whoever comments is in turn given their own number. They then, must post that many things about themselves that nobody knows. I've so far withheld from participating.

...On Facebook, that is. I figured since I'm listing things right now, heck, I might as well.

7 RARELY-KNOWN THINGS 'BOUT ME {le exposé! *gasp}
⋆ | I'm abidextrous.. sorta. I am primarily right-handed but can scribe decently with my left. My feet however are reversed. In soccer, my left foot is my striker and my right foot, well.. manages.
⋆ | I sang on stage with John Denver when I was in 7th grade. It was a Christmas concert in Columbus Ohio and I sang a duet portion with him in Winter Wonderland.
⋆ | There are four freckles / miniature birth marks on my face, one in each "corner." If you connect them, it's a parallelogram.
⋆ | Also, I'm keloid from the waist up.. which means that my scars are inside out. If you've ever seen me in anything lower cut than a T-shirt, you've seen them. They don't do anything, they're just... there. Inside out scars. Awesome.

weirdo face freckles!

⋆ | My mother was the president of our local humane society growing up. I learned to love animals at age 2, and have since been a foster mom to over 20 dogs and owned 2 pythons, 8 piranhas, an albino cornsnake, a maine coon cat, 2 pittie pups and at one point, a very angry chameleon named Frankie. However, I am deathly terrified of spiders, especially the furry ones. I see no good reason to become friends with a spider who has more hair per square inch of its body than I do. Weird.
⋆ | I have never eaten ribs, a steak or a red meat burger. In fact, I'm allergic to red meat, so go on and say that I'm 'missing out,' but frankly I prefer chicken over food poisoning. Oh, and I eat popcorn in some form every... single... day. Don't hate. (:
⋆ | I have a metal plate and 10 screws in my left shoulder from a soccer injury. I shattered my collarbone into a bunch of little pieces and waited, just like that, for TWO days before they finally operated on me and put in my hardware. It's cool though; I'm now more than a ninja... I'm a bionic ninja. ROCK. ON.

And so there!

I'm listed out.
See ya on the flipside. Happy Weekend!!!

xo | cmd

[BIG] HURDLE.

Today was not a good day.
To start things off, Mother Nature skipped snooze this morning and woke up right on time to send me a weeklong reminder that my non-pregnant body is functioning just fine, thank-you-very-much. So hello, hormones.
And hello to the alarming phone call I received just minutes after the work day started.
I will share no intimate details here, but will suffice to say that it was a very serious matter that needed to be addressed immediately.

To say that my head has been spinning like a top for nearly 14 hours straight now is an understatement. When the welfare of my child is brought into question and another party who ought to be more concerned with it than with proving a point, is pushing for the latter rather than the first, it becomes an intricate trap that we all fall into. Tempers raged all day today, and decisions that may have sparked an irrevocable course of events were only held off by the sense of the advising of pastoral staff.

every. single. day.

Today was not a good day.

It is over now, with what we all believe is a sigh of huge relief. Call it a false alarm, if that feels appropriate. In a way, it is. It doesn't change the new imprint of similarly-exhibited behavior that I now have on my mind, and in my heart. I saw an evil tonight, masked by a claim to good intentions, that I know I will not be able to forgive without the grace of the God I serve and spoke to many, many times today.

©casting crowns

I am grateful tonight for the grace and mercy of the Lord I love; through this today I have still praised Him, and I won't ever stop doing that. This isn't the first time in my life that I've been driven to my knees asking for His help, wisdom, peace, tenacity or whatever else it is that i need. It won't be the last, either, but the beautiful thing about that is that I will always have double the opportunity to praise Him for what He's already given me when I am standing on solid ground again.

And tonight, that's what I'm doing.
Rob is not here tonight; he'll be back tomorrow, as part of an agreement in sorting everything out this evening. We all reached a point of peace tonight, and for that alone, with my four-year-old's story as the only foundation for clarity, I am beyond grateful.

The tears on my face have dried and while my voice feels shot, I have my little girl curled around my arm right now and that is how we're going to stay until the sun comes up again tomorrow.

One breath at a time, we will press forward.
I never would've gotten through today without the faith I have.. without the intervention of a couple of select people, without my mother's advising and without the strength in me that I take no credit for having, but attribute rather to my mother's raising & the values I was taught.

©newsboys

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow will be the day of clean-up from today.
Tomorrow is a chance to either validate or discard my personal character & beliefs with how I handle the situation and the people.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed, but I'm planning on it either way.

xo | cmd

5 Lessons of a Strong Woman

I've posted this verse quite a bit over the past few months. It's been playing in my head like a song on repeat, and I know it's earned its credit as an integral part of my sustained sanity through everything.

A lot of people lately have been asking,

"How ARE you doing?"

To answer that: YES.
.... Yes, I'm doing.

One of them caught me unexpectedly, and from the look on my face, responded to my speechless answer:

"It's going to be okay. You are one of the STRONGEST WOMEN I've ever met."

Hmmm.

In a couple of days, I'm making the final move back to Ohio, into a new house, to a new Express office, and starting the process of rebuilding stability into my life. It's been a daunting task: packing, cleaning, storing, donating, hours of driving to and from Ohio, and house-hunting, remotely. On more than one occasion, I sat in a pathetic heap either on the floor or the couch, feeling defeated, overwhelmed, sad, anxious, excited, angry and just about every other emotion in between. I've cried myself to sleep, I've skipped sleep all together, and reached more than once a state of sheer mental exhaustion.

Sounds dramatic. In hindsight, now that I'm nearing the home stretch, if you wanna call it that, it all came together in its own time, but I won't dare say it was anything close to easy.

So we're clear, THIS is the fuel for everything I do:

there is nothing greater to move me.......

This. Little. Girl..... has revolutionized my entire life, from top to bottom and inside out. There's nothing that can rival a parent's love for their child, and it's HER that I see every time I close my eyes to escape the blur of everything that's happening when they're open. She is my peace, my reason and my motivation to leave a life that is otherwise going juuuuust... swimmingly. There has been a HUGE gap in my heart over the past few months without her by my side at the end of each day. I cannot begin to explain the ache of not seeing or talking to her every day, but I'm comforted in knowing that that will end after this weekend. That alone makes everything else seem trivial.

LESSON 1: Never discount the power of a child. More importantly, never let the stray opinions of anyone else on how much that child is valued by you, dictate how you react, how you function, or what you believe. The critics will always have something to say, especially those with lofty theories and only half of the story. My daughter is my first priority; she is the reason I work, the reason I grit through conversations with people I'd otherwise avoid, the reason I stay awake alone watching Disney and Nickelodeon long after she's passed out on my arm so as not to wake her. She is my world, a driving force stronger in her miniature state than any other motivator I've ever had. I've learned more real, life-applicable principles from my 3-year-old than I did from half of my college professors. Go. Figure. The STRONG WOMAN knows the power of her child's influence, and listens to it with all she is: ears, mind and heart.

I've held off on the move this long only to maintain a source of income until the new office is open. That.. is now.. The new office - my new home - starts in full swing on Monday next week. The owners called me this week inviting me to lunch; they were shocked that I was still here, in Illinois, working, and that I'd not taken a week off to adjust. They remarked that my first Express franchisee was correct in his evaluation on me being a workhorse. All I could do was sigh and realize that it's true. I am not gloating by any stretch, but I will say that if there's anything I do know about myself, it's that I will pour everything I have into things about which I am passionate. If they give back, I do the same. If it burns me, then it was by my own indescretion that I find the fault.

There are several things I've concluded in the past few months, both by the course of experience in the process of remotely facilitating a two-state move, and by a few people who've more recently crossed my path.

Rob made an off-hand remark,

"It's funny how the best people come from the worst situations." 

I guess we kind of always subconsciously recognize that, but I never acknowledged it in that simple format until he said that. I immediately thought of Marianne, who came into my life less than six months ago, but in that time has done wonders to restoring my faith in the ideals of being a STRONG WOMAN.

Marianne's got a story behind who she is and where she is now that rattled me to the bones when I heard it. It made me furious, sad and empathetic to the cause behind all the untold stories of truth out there. It reminded me that we live in a world with a skewed justice system, but that there are still a few brave sentinals willing to stand for what's right and just, on our behalves, even when we don't ask them to do it. She's overcome more than I think I could in a short amount of time, but beyond that, she's ready and willing to put it all behind her.

LESSON 2: That's not to say forget it happened. I think that's been one of the hardest lines for me to distinguish. There is such a finite balance between laying a traumatic chapter to rest and trying to forget it ever happened. I owe a lot to Marianne for inadvertently helping me absorb the beneift of both. Seems simple enough in theory, but putting that to practice is always another thing. The things that have shaped me are not necessarily the things on which I want to dwell daily, but they have shaped me in one way or another and in that regard I appreciate the ugly for making the beautiful ... well, beautiful. I believe that a STRONG WOMAN is capable of doing this, and is fortified even more by it.

Then there's Rob.
Whether I like to admit it or not, I think in the back of my mind I always knew I'd have the luck of being an exception to that age old mantra,

"Opposites Attract."

..... I tried that. It didn't work. I look at Rob, at the person he is, and realize he's the male version of me. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I've had my fair share of failed dating relationships, ultimately culminating in a failed marriage. I am NOT proud of that, but in months of deep introspection, it dawned on me that I'd ordered my priorities backwards. I had made it my mission to fit the mold of what someone else wanted, rather than pursue someone who would appreciate me for everything I already was: faults and all. Rob is not only a striking resemblence of myself: personality, disposition, interests, goals, etc., but sees my downfalls and in spite of them makes it a point that I understand how much those don't matter to him. For that reason, yes, I whole-heartedly mean it: I love him.

LESSON 3: Again, with the walking of fine lines: Of course I know there are things in relationships that will drive the other person nuts - be it a small habit of nuissance or a defining element that needs to be considered either admissable as is, or accepted contingent on a total overhaul. I put way too much stock into accepting things for the way they were, thinking, "I can handle this," and at the same time that equal amount of effort into re-defining myself to fit the ideal picture of what the other person wanted, expected,... needed. It fell apart every time, in a weirdly organic way - like a tree in a forest weighed down repetively over time by storm damage, snow, tainted soil. Things may look mighty on the outside, but decaying quickly on the inside: eventually it came crashing down, because I was trying to force a square pin through a circular mold. I'm 28 now and embarrassed that it took me this long to figure it out that way, but it's not too late and for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I've found a fellow square. No longer do I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, and I feel thoroughly appreciated for EVERYthing I am AND am not, no strings attached. I believe a STRONG WOMAN can delineate between these lines, and moving forward, that will be me.

With or without a boyfriend or significant other of some fashion, I am a human, and by default am therefore imbedded with the innate need for companionship of some sort. This is where my support system, primarily close friends and family, have been vital. Close friends. Let me repeat that. I used to scoff at being called out for referring to people as "friends," when really all they were were acquaintences from school, sports, work, whatever.

LESSON 4: The difference between "friends," and friends. I'm still fuzzy on it sometimes, but a small indicator of my progress [sounds frivelous, here goes...] is that in the last year, I've thinned at least 600 people off my Facebook list of "friends." For you social media geeks, that's a big step. More realistic than that though, I've also isolated out a handful of people I know I can trust, not just with silly things like secrets or passwords, but with those deep-seeded thoughts I'm so horrible at sharing in the first place, my emotions, and even at times, the well-being of my daughter in the form of babysitters. I thought I was "strong" before, edified by an arsenal of people - "friends" - I soon found were only available on the sunny days. Nothing says reality check like falling apart and learning who's going to stick around on your worst days. What's crucial at this point is not defaulting to a state of self-pity, but instead becoming cognizent of your own strength, and not flailing stupidly around until the first available person comes along to help. I'm not drowning. BUT, I'm not above seeking wisdom, advice and sometimes just a solid shoulder to cry or lean on at times. I'm learning that REAL strength comes from the relationships we build with our friends. I've developed a heightened, rooted sense of appreciation for the girls and guys who have decided my crazy self is worth the drama, because they know I'll return that favor the minute they need it. I believe a STRONG WOMAN knows the difference and lives by an even blend of caution and unconditional love... and I will strive to do the same. I dedicate this lesson learned to those who have done this for me: you know who you are.

Ever heard this? -

"Today you are you, this is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!" - Dr. Suess

I'm pretty sure we've all heard that, at least a couple times. I've had a liiiiiiittle time lately to reflect on exactly what that means, in terms of the direction I will dedicate myself to following when I set foot back in Cincinnati for the fourth time. This applies to every facet of my life: my faith, my job, my role as a parent, my friends, my sports,.... everything. I have more of a say in things than I care to acknowledge most of the time; by no means am I a a control freak, but I have determined that silence or omittance doesn't always prove the best route. I will choose my battles, yes, and I will approach them with the best dignity I have, but I won't let them string me along like I've done before. This is my story, and by the direction of prayer and my own determination, I'm going to write it the way I want it.

LESSON 5:

True story. That's really all there is to it, and if there's anything I believe, it's that a STRONG WOMAN will take this challenge by the horns and run the world with it. That's exactly what I plan on doing. Sure, it's easier said than done, but then again, nothing worth having is really ever all that easy to get.

I AM:
A daughter. A sister. A mother.
A believer in God's saving grace.
A failure. A success. Both, at different times.
A lover. An advocate. A representative.
A wreck. A masterpiece. Together, balanced.
A friend. A girlfriend. An athlete. A colleague.
An imperfect traveller on an imperfect journey.
 

I'll keep ya posted.

Until then, be strong women [& men], folks. (:

Love, & more love to you & yours....

xo | cmd

Love. Shameless. Real = Shamelessly REAL Love.

I’m feeling especially grateful today. Bear with me.

There were a few different ways I thought to approach this; the first would have been cautiously, for the sake of prying, nosy eyes, and the other for the benefit of self-expression and the reality that I no longer have to hide behind any sort of façade for the benefit of the aforementioned [chew on that]. I’ve earned a hard-fought degree in lessons recently on shielding myself from reality, and shielding reality from those around me who would rather spread a headline than read it.

That being said, it’s my hope that I’ll look back at this some time from now and remember the way I felt when I finally started to discover that part of myself that I’d reserved for only myself, for far too long. There are bits and pieces of my emotional state that I let show, but in filtered segments and surely diluted. More often than not, I was 110% guilty of smiling when I wanted to scream, laughing when I wanted to cry, and volunteering my participation into whatever event or activity was presented, when everything in me was protesting... begging me to retreat into solitude. A lot of people call that a people-pleaser. That was me. So yeah, I was pretty fake.

We can all identify with the quality of fake things. Knock-off product brands rarely hold up to their genuine competition, manufactured additions we add to our bodies are constantly requiring attention or maintenance, …. And when was the last time a TOY replica of anything was able to compete with the real thing? Why was I really all that surprised that my pretending to be happy with a life that only partially satisfied me would last?

  

Today, for some reason, I feel like celebrating. Not the throw-a-party kinda thing, but an honest, earnest expression of gratitude for the place I find myself in right now.

Here’s the thing:

I am moving back to Ohio in less than 3 weeks, for the sake of my family [Sydni]. It’s a move that has me both excited and anxious: Sydni will have both of her parents within earshot, thus eliminating the 6-hr trip that we’re both making to do biweekly exchanges. For that reason alone, I’m propelled enough to tackle the gritty tasks of coordinating housing, lining up a job, and getting everything packed up for transfer back to Cincinnati. On the flip side of that, I’ll be leaving a job here that I love, friends I’ve come to respect and adore, and a boyfriend who has been nothing but honest, real and supportive of my journey through not just my repair process, but more importantly the intense brokenness that came before it. Aside from my coworkers and a small handful of friends who’ve bothered to stick around, I’ve started to mend at the hands of Sydni, the love of my life… and Rob: the boyfriend and confidante who has reminded me how valuable -- and rare -- balanced relationships really are.  

inspired: to be a mother. a better mother. daily.
inspired: to be a companion. a better companion. daily.

Kids, I may be far behind schedule on learning the trick to this life thing, but the way I’ve got it figured, it’s never too late to discover yourself…. Or in my case, to acknowledge and follow it.

You'll never catch me claiming to be flawless. I’ve made more mistakes than I care to list, and I’ve hurt more people than I ever should have. At the same time, I haven’t put nearly enough effort into defending myself against the stones that anyone may’ve cast not just in my general direction, but at my head. The way I see it, there’s a certain pride I've never been able to shake; it dictates that I choose my battles wisely and my confrontations even more scarcely. Quite frankly, I see no point in lashing back against people who slander only to justify themselves. Plain and simple. The problem that I face with that is that my silence is more often than not mistaken as an admission of guilt to whatever accusation is on the table. 

“If she has nothing to say, clearly she’s guilty.”

 Okay.

This is the beauty of self-discovery. You realize so much about yourself and you know the truth to the rumors. At the end of the day, you’ll sleep just fine knowing that the bloated proportions in which those around you choose to meddle are just that: bloated, exaggerated and positioned to solicit pity. The irony in it is that I pity more the blinded minds that accept things at face value without investing an inch of effort to educate themselves on the full story. I pity anyone, myself included [because I've done it] who follows the claims of any one source without regard to fact. If it's drama we're after, well... call me indifferent if you will, but quite frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.

The weird part is, right now, I’m faced with coordinating a relocation two states away, remotely. I have little time to finalize everything, and even less time to squeeze in for the people who’ve made such an impact on me for the time I’ve been here. I’ll be moving closer to the one person who fooled even my critical eye for far too long, and starting from scratch on a job. ALL THAT BEING SAID, I feel more blessed than ever even in circumstance. I am stressed, but I am happy.

Let me repeat: I am stressed, but I AM HAPPY.

Crazy, isn’t it?  I look back to my life pre-discovery, some 6-8 months ago and realize I had very few actual cares to tend to, but save for my daughter, I was otherwise the unhappiest I have ever been, ever. Now, in a state of complete flux and minimally-managed chaos, I am more content than I've been in a long time. I am anxious, yes. Worried? No. Fearful of the future? Not anymore. Oh, the volumes....

……………………………………… *Sigh.

Here’s a letter I wrote to myself…. 

turning a new leaf. i'm ready.

I titled this entry the way I did because I am finally acknowledging to both myself and anyone who cares to listen, that I am me. I am imperfect, but healing and learning daily at the hands of my creator, held accountable by family, and held in place by friends. I am shamelessly honest with myself and now with those around me. I will follow His direction as best I can, and I'll love every day knowing the next isn't promised. The wolves can only get me if I let them, but I've filled my schedule.... that'll have to wait. 

I love my Lord, my Savior.
I love my daughter.
I love my friends.
I love my boyfriend.
And I love my life. I don't deserve an inch of it.

Moral of the story, folks:
Be REAL. Be HONEST. BE SHAMELESS.
Love yourself, and love others. It’ll change your life.

xo | cmd

Simple Words For Livin' & A Classic

TRUTH.

I felt it specifically appropriate to add this in for today.
This is something with which I constantly fail, even in my greatest efforts. That's both the beauty and curse of being human, blessed with God's endearing grace and mercy; I will fail at this, but God never fails at anything. I was prompted to go seeking some encouragement in scripture form to post up at my desk after some happenings at work this morning; this is what I found, and it is now printed and hung directly in my immediate line of sight. I am confident this will serve as a daily reminder to me that I am a witness, daily, to the people that come in and go out of my office. I don't know the first thing about their lives outside this office past what we discuss while they're here, and I've found too often that the nature of my job fools me at times into falling into a colder frame of functioning than I intended.

Simply put, it's easy to become callous in my job, if I'm not careful. Guilty.

I don't know if you've noticed lately the tagline at the top of my blog, but I am in fact a kid on a journey, in a world that is not my home. I'm a guest here, and while I am, I need to be a light, not a burnt out bulb.

Just a little thought niblet for the day. I needed it, so maybe you did too. If not, pass it on :)

Oh, and it's a-stormin' down here in St. Clair County, so naturally, everything electric is on the fritz. We managed to still watch The Voice [in and out due to the storm]. In between reception times and afterwards, we opted for one of my favorite classics: Annie! -- And yes, the 1982 version. By the end of it, Sydni was singing along and dancing in the living room. Love love love.

P.S. - I also love checking out the "then-and-now" galleries for stars of those types of films. Check it out :) 

aileen quinn ... aka - annie!
[all grown up ;) ]

I happen to be one of those people who loves storms [in moderation, of course]; It's time to call it an early night to go and lull away to the rain... *yawn.

Happy Tuesday :)
xo | cmd