And This I Know.

It's been one of those weeks.
2018 is drawing to a close, and Christmas is just around the corner.
My heart feels joyful and heavy all at once.
More to come...

xxo | cmd

Attitude of Gratitude

Confession: I still to this day misspell that word almost every single time, not excluding the time just now when I typed it as part of the title for this post. #consistency #gratitude #nodoubleTs

So I sat down at work this morning and instinctively reached for a pen and a post-it note. It's something I conditioned myself to doing once I started back here at the East office, and is a practice that I've been on-again-off-again consistent with over the past couple years. Okay, so maybe more off-again, and then just off.... but we're here now so let's just stay here. :) I had very good reasons - a long list of them, actually - to fuel me to keeping a momento nope that's a movie, MEMENTO-style bank of the little things. 

Some were little. Some were pretty big. I wrote one on the sticky side of a post-it on whatever day it crossed my mind, folded it up and dropped it in a jar on my desk, where the idea was that it would stay with the others until the end of the year. 

gratitudes!
& cairn deco because i exist one sub box at a time, still..... ;) 

^ A small collection, but the truth is, I didn't unearth the jar itself from my office relocation project until the end of August, so I didn't re-start this for the bajillionth time until September. And even then, I don't contribute daily, although it's a habit I wouldn't mind having. 

Before the work day started, I cleared the jar and made fresh space for starting over in 2018. I didn't have time to read them all, but I pulled a few out at random and read them: 

Like I said, all over the place, but I found that if I can slow down for just that moment even, that it takes to write it down and throw it in with the rest, I've given it my attention. I know full well that I take for granted many of the little things that have come my way. I also know that I'll never be able to stop and write every single one of them down in real time. I can plan to, but what I do know is that my plans are more often than not the first round rough draft of what actually happens, and nine outta ten times, I'm glad my version didn't go to print. It's the big things, and the little ones, and whatever happens in between that I'm thankful for (it's cliche, I know, I know.....); I mean that because at the end of it, the blessings outperform the challenges, even if the latter brings friends :). 

So today wasn't a perfect day, but it wasn't the worst one I've ever had, so that's a start. I can't promise I'll want to feel so optimistic for the next 362 days that we've got left in 2018, but I can promise that if I have a reason to be grateful, I'll do my best to recognize it. And as long as I'm above ground, I'll always have a reason ♥.

xo | cms

Letting Go of ME (A 2017 Archive)

Happy Monday TUESDAY, blogbots!

I started rummaging through old unpublished entries on here last night, and I came across this one, about Panama. I thought I'd go for it, since I haven’t yet and it’s been nearly six full months since we got back from the 2017 trip. In the midst of all the other stuff I never got around to documenting, this too fell by the wayside, and that’s not okay.

One of the things that hit me as I was looking back through the first couple days of pictures from the 2017 trip, is how much I really took for granted this time around. Even two months later, some of the finite details had just then registered with me. This, just as any other missions trip, could have gone way worse. Could’ve had serious logistic hurdles. Could’ve, for all we knew, been a complete disaster. But it wasn’t. I’m looking back six months and feeling for the first time, a real gratitude for how that trip turned out.

I’ve been to Panama twice now, and am more cognizant of how those two trips varied:

2015: Rewind almost three(ish) years ago, to when I stepped off my front porch at 3am with my hiking pack and loaded into the van with Chris, Aaron, Marissa and Quinn, for my first Panamanian trip. I was nervous – not in an overwhelming way, but in a way that made me hyper-aware of committing every last detail to memory. I had no idea what to expect. My team, as far as I was concerned at that point, consisted of the people in that van. A confession I’ll make now is that while we sat by the gates at CVG, I penned an open letter to nobody in particular, just in case something were to happen.

That was the state of my heart as I boarded the first plane to New Jersey. That was my focus. I’d completely lost sight in that moment of why I was there in the first place. I got on the plane and cried. We were less than two total hours into the trip and I was already a mess – nerves compounded with disappointment in myself for allowing the doubt to creep in. And then I prayed. For the remainder of that first leg, I prayed. I praised. I made a mental list of and thanked God for each person on the team, in the seats beside me. For our church family who’d backed us. For the missionaries who would be responsible for us while we were there. For our families back home, who would be doing life per usual for the week that we were gone.

equipo ♥♥
suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And then I prayed that He would, if nothing else on that trip, help me to live in the moment.
And that is exactly what happened. I spent a week tucked into the side of a remote Ngobe village serving the most incredible families, to whom I am eternally indebted for what they taught me about myself in the process. I came home with an entire journal filled with memories. With moments. With names of new lifelong friends, and places and feelings and descriptions. With notes for my future self. Ways I’d been challenged, and truths I’d realized. I came home and re-lived that trip for months. The foundation had been laid in my heart for Panama, for MG3, for the Vega family, for the Ngobe people. I knew I would be back.

suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And I’d only arrived at that place because I finally let go of me, and let God move.

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7

 

*****************

MAY/JUNE 2017: Forward to 2017’s trip. Chris had made attempts in 2016 to form a team, but for reasons I’ll never know, it didn’t happen. We accepted that, and started praying for whatever 2017 might hold. It was February when the plans were finally announced for Lightpoint to be sending its inaugural team of missionaries out of the country. We were to be that team. We barely became a full team; a few who expressed initial interest ended up unable to commit, at least for this year. I prayed and again propositioned Marianne, who’d been unable to go in 2016, in hopes that maybe.. just maybe.. this year would work.

And she WAS. And so was her boyfriend, Derrek. And so we became a team of four: Chris, Mare, Derrek and myself. Chris had orchestrated with Todd, a pastor from Crosspoint Church in Cleveland, for the four of us to rendezvous with his team before we got to Panama. We accepted that at face value, and took diligently then to our weekly FaceTime conference calls, where Chris was able to connect with Mare & Derrek and lead us as a team to prepare for Panama 2017.

Approaching the 2017 trip, I was confident of an exponentially higher number of things than I’d been in 2015. Marianne is my best friend, Derrek is her boyfriend, and I’ve had two more years to really get to know Chris and his family. Our international team consisted of people that were no longer strangers to me, and I felt at peace knowing that all the new faces of this expedition would still come with the familiar.

We flew from Cincinnati to Atlanta on the first morning out, and met there with Todd's team, which was a compilation of members from Crosspoint in Cleveland, and then two other couples from Todd's hometown church in Benton, AR (Holland Chapel). Together we had managed to rally 3 churches and 3 different states' worth of teammates, combining for the first time in the Atlanta airport just hours before we were to embark on a pack-only hike into one of the most remote areas of another country.

Now's not the time for Trust Issues. 

We touched down in Panama and seemed as though we didn't stop moving until we got back off the plane seven days later back in Cincinnati. Already a much different pace than 2015. Remembering what I'd eaten 2 hours in the past was a task, let alone compartmentalizing each of the days, and what they stood to represent. For all I can say, this trip was a blur. In a good way, but a blur no less.

team vermoncinnati ;) - chris, cori, derrek, mare
en route to balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation | 2017

To nobody's surprise, I took literally a couple thousand pictures, but I'll admit that I am really seeing some of these pictures for the first time, even now. I'm recalling the hours we spent dragging our bags off the bus and stuffing them back on again. Of how we all adjusted to our surroundings, and became wholly reliant on translators to speak in Ngabe on our behalf. How we trusted each other without question, and set foot onto the mountains for hours of hiking into a village.

Letting go of myself on a trip like this is not an option. The difference in how I had to let myself go on this year's Panama adventure was equal yet nearly opposite the way I had to before.

It's something I struggle with obviously on the missions field, but absolutely and frequently off that map, too. And if there was ever a weekday built to test my resolve, it's a Monday, dressed up as TUESDAY. Today really didn't prove to be one of those days, I guess, but I know they're very real, and that separating myself from the voices of control, inadequacy and guilt that I am often prone to hearing is often harder done than said.

2017 equipo : ngabe, esp, eeu
balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation outset | 2017

I'm posting this now, because as I set the stage for my 2018, it includes reflecting on a prompt I'd obviously had one day halfway through 2017. I don't know why I didn't post this in its entirety originally (when I first wrote it, in July 2017), but I'm posting now to give myself something to look back on even a week from now, when I'm not feeling particularly sentimental about this the way I am today. I have no idea what 2018 holds, what the Panama trip will look like this year, and although I'm not wired to trust easily, I know there are bigger plans in motion than my doubt. It's a tough pill to swallow, but that's a part of the journey that's just as crucial as being along for the ride. My only real wish, believe it or not, is to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone on the next trip that I have no choice but to stare down whatever two options there are, knowing both will catalyze me in a permanent, hopefully positive way.

With all of that being said, any and all prayers would be hugely appreciated as we work through orchestrating this year's trip. It will be a completely different trip, if I understand it correctly, but hey.. I'm in. :)

xo | cms

2 0 1 8

Ahhh...... you guys! 

Let's just cut to it: 2017 is over and 2018 is here. I was barely awake to see it happen, but only because I'm a 30something bi-ped trapped in the body of a 400-yr-old tree snail with social anxiety.

Okay, not entirely true, but neither was I planning for nor interested in the flashy show of 'going out' as is deemed traditional for ushering out the old and in the new. Life as I know it only includes that type of production for special occasions, and I've found out that's not a bad thing.

As with every new year, I'm programmed just like the majority of us to see this as a window of opportunity to... fill in the blank. I look back at the last decade's worth of promises I made to myself as each new year strolled in, and I know they were all over the place.

I found an old (other)blog entry from 2009 where I told myself I'd finally learn Dutch that following year, which is my sister's native language. It's 2018 and no, I don't speak Dutch. In the last hours of December 2012, I promised myself that in 2013, I'd find a way to get out of Illinois where I'd been living, and back home to Ohio. By March, I was. Last year, in 2016/17, I told myself I would read more books. It wasn't as lofty a goal as some I'd set before, but it did require me to be intentional, and by proxy taught me a thing or two about the patience I do and do not have for the resolve that I want to reflect in all the areas of... me. And yes, I did some reading: 28 books for the year, which isn't bad for someone who has started and re-started this entry at least four times because she can't stay focused.

Moving along....

2017

2017: I learned a lot (more, because this is a living process) about what it means to embrace the best & worst of all of it. 2017 gave me time with family, incredible friends (both old and new), adventures, missions trips, successes & disappointments, several swift reality checks and a small but steadfast support network that continue to have an un-explainable yet equally-unfailing faith in me. In 2017, I didn't learn that my family and truest friends can be counted on two hands. That much I already knew. Instead, I realized just how quintessential those relationships are, and that relying on them is not a weakness, but instead making a choice to let walls down, and allow those people see the best, the absolute worst and everything in between. 2017 had a solid stock of adversity to share with me over its 12 months, and while I wish I could say that my responses were always graceful, well.. that's just not true. They saw all my awkward recoveries, loved me frankly and objectively through them and reminded me that it's okay to be not okay in a world that suggests our worth is tied to just how okay we can be. I also got to know some incredible new people, who defy those archaic suggestions that your best friends should be your oldest. You know who you are - know that I love you beyond measure. ♥

2017 was kind enough to do so gradually, but set courses to develop me in the big arenas: my family, my work, my church. I became a full time installment on the worship team, and in doing so found a team of people whose passion for music and ministry is contagiously inspiring. We continue to watch as our church family grows and invests in tangible, hands-on levels for each other. On the professional side, I'm six months back into life as it should be for what I do. My back is covered by a team with the same goals and genuine desire to find them as a unit. We're invested in each other, and if there's one thing I saw this year, is that the daily grinds are worlds apart when that piece is missing. On the family front, there is work to be done, and 2017 provided the avenues to start working towards goals with Sydni and as a family unit. We made it a point to be present with immediate and extended family, and plan to be even more so over the next year. Vacations, spontaneous outings and hopefully no more broken bones (fingers crossed)!

2018

2018 : First things first: Whole30.
^ I committed the month of January to Whole30, at the persuasive bidding of my friend Jess. (P.S. - If you're lucky enough to have a friend whose life's work is to help other people become even better in their own skin... embrace it!) Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with Whole30, it's a dietary re-set program designed to eliminate foods and food groups that keep the body from functioning at its best. As with anything in the diet category, there are plenty of things to cut out, but in this case, it's being replaced by whole and raw foods, which fundamentally is how we should be eating anyway. So for the next month, I and a handful of other determined people are saying goodbye to sugar, dairy, alcohol, legumes, grains and of course 99% of all things processed. In their place come the perimeter foods, as I call them - the stuff that usually is found in the outer rings of most grocery stores: fruits, produce, plant-based starches (most of them) and core protein sources like eggs and lean meats. Fortunately, thanks to growing up in a homeopathic household and years of athletic conditioning, I'm coming into this with at least a basic understanding of decent food practices that are appropriate for the lifestyle I want. This for me is a method of fine-tuning it all, and eradicating the stuff around it that's there solely because it's convenient and comfortable. I'm not a crash-dieter, I want to be clear on that. This isn't a crash diet, it's an investment and I'm happy to have a stellar group of guys & girls on board for this session! January Whole30 - we've got this!

It's a process in itself, honestly. I mulled around quite a bit trying to decide how many and how extreme I wanted to get with this New Years Resolution business. I've learned that, from a broad prospective, setting vague goals is easier than putting a specific face to an objective, and beyond that, a deadline. I've also learned that putting too many individual goals on the board makes for a frustrated me, when I realize I don't have the wherewithal to invest as wholly into all of them as would be needed to feel fully accomplished. If I just confused you, don't worry.. It made more sense in my head before it came out, but the gist of it is that my GOALS for 2018 are both broad and pointed:

(i didn't write this, but i like it!)

Less and More. Basic opposition and balance at the same time. Less talking, more listening - and more awareness of what it is I'm listening to. More doing, and maybe more planning this time around, too - especially for those big trips across country lines into places where my Passport precedes me. Less negativity overall, but an understanding that acknowledging it doesn't necessarily mean I am negative, but that my actions are intentional and reflecting the goal to weed out whatever it brings: worry, stress, doubt, ungrateful attitudes. It's not on that list up there, but more travel. More adventure: more mud under my nails and more nights spent in a tent off the grid. More hikes with like-minded people who fuel me not just physically, but intellectually and emotionally. More volunteering (YES REBECCA, more blood drives...) haha. More humbling myself to let the seasoned and successful pioneers in my career field pour into me, and less obliging that small voice to just do it tomorrow. Less excuses and filling up my schedule with things that don't promote self-care or time for the people who matter, and more confidence in saying 'no' to things asked of me that I know are outside of my limits.

More memories, and less worry that I'll miss them.

2017 was a good year, at the end of the day.
2018, let's see what you've got. ♥

Whatever your visions are for 2018, I hope you're ready to love yourself through every day of pursuing them! I have high hopes for this year, and while I'm not planning on it to be a perfect walk in the park, I am planning to position myself so that I'm ready to push when I need to, and be still when I don't. To be a better daughter. A better sister. A better mother & wife. A better Christian, colleague, athlete, bookworm and human. The only competition I'll have in 2018 is the one through which I can measure whether or not I'm a better version of myself than I was the day, week, month.. year before. If I can do that, I think I've got this :)

Oh, and in case you thought I'd be heading into the new year with a serious face, let me set the tone for you of how it's likely to look:

I mean.... this is just who I am, and those of you who have the unfortunate luck of knowing me well, know that this is 110% accurate ;) But hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, what can you do?

Happy 2018, blogbots! ♥

xo | cms