She Loves - Series Day 5: Be Brave

I'm having a major Aha moment as I get ready to write this. JLKRU#*$&(PQDE. Seriously, this one made me laugh audibly, because I was literally so, so wrong.

So just when I thought yesterday, 'tomorrow's verse will probably be me repeating everything I've said today,' God stepped in and proved otherwise. I mean, technically He didn't step in; He was was already there, knowing this miniature lesson would happen long before I was even born. Kind of like a curvy road, where you are certain there's a hairpin turn just over that hill, but instead it's a stop sign at a 4-way intersection? [I'm all about analogies, folks]. But yeah, this is kinda like that. The road didn't step in to change its course; it was already there.

And perhaps that's way deeper an analogy than is needed for this [actually it is], but whatever. TODAY was normal for the most part, or at least the version of normal that is normal for us. And then we got home, and Sydni said something in rebuttal on why she did something: "MYOB," she muttered. Days before this she'd told me that at school, this acronym means, Mind Your Own Business. There was of course immediate reprimanding, which in this case meant standing in a corner for 7 minutes, loss of iPad privileges and a conversation at the end to discuss why it was said, why we have consequences and why we don't behave like that in the future.

seven, sassy... sydni ♥

I was fully prepared to put on my stern but forgiving mom face, because that's what I've learned generally works for these things, but no less than 30 seconds into our Come here and talk with me chat, my 7-year-old started opening up to me about everything that's weighed on her heart from school over the past couple weeks. She shared with me that she has a couple of good friends, but also has bullies in her class. Through tears not because of our earlier encounter at home, she told me she is sad because people are mean and although she tries to be nice to them, she gets angry and is sometimes mean in return. And she doesn't like being mean, and she doesn't know how to stop being angry when it's happening and that she knows she's not being a good example. And she doesn't feel like anyone else is trying to be a good example, and it's hard being the only one.

And in that moment, I crumbled. I cringed at the harsh words that other children use with each other. With how that makes her feel. With the part of her innocence that is peeling away layer by layer, because she is doing something completely natural: Growing up. With the fact that there's nothing I can do to console her in these moments, because she has her mother's stubborn tendencies when she's upset.

We talked at the foot of the staircase for almost an hour. I grappled with two channels running simultaneously in my mind: one of all the ugliness I've seen up to this point as an adult, resulting from the pressures and perceived unrealistic expectations of this world. I've seen people give in, give up, or lose themselves entirely. The other of my daughter - my child, who is still waiting on her adult teeth to grow in, experiencing and processing through new, uncomfortable emotions for the first time.

She told me kids call her dumb, an idiot and stupid. 

As a parent, there were several different emotions I experienced in that split second. Let's be real: Biting my tongue from nobody who was actually in room is tough. I listened as she bared her heart to me, and prayed that I would find the right words to say. She is my first [and only, for now] child, so every day is very much new for both of us. We are learning as we go, and honestly, I swallowed down more than a few knots of almost-fear and discouragement as we sat and talked. How do I handle this?! How do I help her feel better? HOW am I supposed to protect her?! 

And then that still small voice said [very directly] to me exactly what I hadn't realized was on today's list for verses:

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. [NIV]

Again, my Aha moment.
Heck yeah I was uncomfortable tonight, trying to be the strong when my child was weak. I didn't have the answer to her problem. My suggestions weren't what was needed. What was needed was for her to talk it out, get it off her chest, and be reminded in the end by me that she is NONE of the things she is called by other kids. She was reminded just.how.much she is loved and adored by her family, her friends, her neighbors, her Sunday school class, etc... and more and most importantly by Jesus. I told my daughter how incredibly proud I was of her not for how she did or didn't behave at school, but for being brave enough to tell me things that, for her, are painful. I told her that being brave looks like a lot of different things. It could be her not letting a bully push someone around. It could be her helping someone else when it's not convenient for her. And in this and SO.MANY.OTHER cases, it's being brave enough to stand up for herself because she believes in herself.

And so, Moms... and Dads.. and everyone else who has ever been the shoulder cried onto - or on some days, the crier - have we not forgotten what we've been commanded to do? It's not a suggestion. It's not a recommended best practice. It's a command. We are called to put unconditional faith in Him, which as a result mutes fear, quenches discouragement and above all, creates the type of inner strength and courage to believe we are beautiful. We are worth it. We are fearfully & wonderfully made.

So be brave today. And tomorrow.
And if you can't, find someone who can be brave for you - because hey, there is no story in which the hero is brave every single day. There is no happy ending that didn't have a valley in the middle. And there will always be those other kids - whether they're literally kids, or adults whose behavior looks eerily similar. I didn't think I was going to be brave tonight, but somehow, we managed.

And that's all we can do sometimes.

A SIDENOTE: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was "officially" last month, but here's the deal: November 14th will mark 7 years of having lost a very close friend to the grips of suicide. She was a beautiful friend, soon-to-be mother, daughter and sister. She fought her battle and lost. And because of that, we lost. We lost her, and we lost our chance to carry her through the days when she could not be brave. If you are her: on the verge of giving up and giving in, I can only say this: The people who love you - who really, truly love you, are in greater numbers than you know. The people who care for not just your well-being, but your life - are all around you. You may not even know some of them yet. But they - WE - are here, and if it's one of us that you need to talk to, please... please.. please..... please just.. ask. We are broken humans, just like you, but on at least one day, we needed someone else to be brave for us. Joshua 1:9 - Please do NOT be afraid, because in your loneliest moment, you are still loved. 

As I told my daughter tonight: I will choose to be brave today, because I might need you to be tomorrow.
♥♥♥♥

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 4: I'm Loved at My Darkest

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [NIV]

That's today's verse from the list.

Yes, it's pretty cut and dry, I think, in clearly defining exactly how much God loves us. Those of us who grew up hearing the gospel might not find gravity in this every time we see it, because we've seen it so much. We have busy lives, responsibilities and distractions pulling us in different directions all the time. We understand this to be an absolute truth; in my case, when I need that extra push in the right direction, I usually set off to find a verse more specifically targeted for whatever challenge I'm trying to muddle my way through.

Discouragement, loss, impatience, betrayal, injury, sickness, death, etc. I don't like any of those words. There are verses that speak about all those things throughout the Bible, so when I'm facing those things, that's where I go. I don't go to this verse automatically, but the irony is that it's one of the first things I should remember, in my moments of anger, sadness and guilt. Yes, I probably do need that memo about patience [or 3, or 5, or yenno, maybe 1 an hour sometimes?!]...

In case that's you, too, here are some freebies [NIV]:

* Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. - Proverbs 16:32

* Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

* May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had. - Romans 15:5

^^ That last one's a real doozy for me to swallow down sometimes, especially if the source of my perceived frustration is another human. Be Christlike to that guy?! - Yes.

Am I forgetting that I am guilty of causing some of these things to other people, also? I may have done so intentionally in the past, or unintentionally, and with the exception of death [aka murder, in this context], I can say I've been guilty of almost all of those I listed, and probably some others that I didn't. They're the same things that I as a mother teach my daughter not to do, not just because they're wrong, but because they are far from the way God calls us to live.

And so why would I have reason to think that a reminder of God - a father, sent his ONLY son, to become a martyr for the sake of the entire human race, right smack dab in the middle of us all acting like petulant children towards each other and ourselves. Certainly not one of our finer moments, and clearly not our last, and yet there He was, the only sinless one among us, martyred so that we could find the type of love and eternal life we ab.so.lutely didn't then and never will deserve.

So I'm impatient?

Self, you've made someone else wait for something before, too. 

I've been betrayed? 

Girl..... you've maybe been unintentional, but you've done it, too. 

Someone stole something from me? 

You were young and super dumb once, too. 

Someone physically injured me? 

What about the time YOU wrecked a car and sent yourself & 2 others to the hospital? 

Or those times in soccer that you put a player on the ground?

I've been lied to. 

Yikes. We get it. 

DESPITE aaaall those things, I am the reason that a parent sent his only child to die a gruesome, public death on a wooden cross. He loved me enough to transfer the consequence of sin [death] to His son, so that I could have life in return. That I could find redemption. Salvation. That I could be saved. I, along with the rest of us, am stumbling around blindly half the time, or in my less-savvy moments, literally drowning, because I chose to put a bag over my head or tie my arms to my side before jumping off the dock. I am the reason I deserve what He gives: forgiveness, and a chance every. single. day to start new and let love in.

So, tomorrow me, take a good look at this when that time comes and you're off pouting about whatever it is that's gotten under your skin, and remember that Christ died for you, because and in spite of the fact that you're a hot mess.

And that's awesome.

xo | cmd 

She Loves - Series Day 3: Real Strength. Real Trust.

Today was almost a 180 from yesterday, at least as far as the weather was concerned. Sydni's mid-afternoon soccer game wasn't lined with parents in parkas and players in [multiple & multi-colored] layers. It was sunny, beautiful and on the warmer side of brisk - kind of exactly what we all love about October here in Ohio.

So we started the day at church, which I have to admit was really.. not.. my favorite? It sounds strange sometimes to say that, but I think it's important to recognize that not every message will resonate in that powerful way we often hope or expect. Today was... well, maybe intended for someone else in another seat.. who knows.

We made a grocery run after soccer, came home and did some cleaning, blah blah blahhh..

I pulled out my list of verses for today, and was given this:

Psalm 28:7 - The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. [NIV]

I realize this list has a running theme, and that if I superficially dissect them daily, I'll be repeating a lot of the same things. I'll leave it up to anyone out there who would like to do so independently. Of course I will acknowledge that this verse speaks to the absolute nature of who our God is, and what He is, and how He is, and everything He does and doesn't do. It's neither the first nor last place in the Bible that an author has spoken in confidence of God's unwavering promise to never leave us, never forsake us.

So the obvious:
The Lord is my strength and shield, in the same way that a king in the time of David [the author, in this case] would be for his people.
And my heart trusts the Lord, he He does help me.

So I read this today, and immediately wanted to go  and tried to go another step beyond stating the obvious, and talk about confidence - mine specifically.

I'm a pretty confident person, on most days, in most areas. Given that I wear a number of hats in addition to human, I am also very susceptible to moments, days, seemingly-infinite spells of doubt. I don't want it, but the fact is it's pretty hard to ignore it 100% of the time.

What?

So I'm a mom. I'm a daughter. A sister. I'm a wife. A boss and a co-worker. An athlete and a teammate. A driver on the road. Passenger on a plane. I am a Christian. Do I count all of those as hats? Yes, I do, because while some of those things are who I am, some of them are also what I am, depending on that exact moment in time. Some of those hats I wear every single day [& night!], for hours at a time. Some of them I wear every once in a while, for just fleeting moments it seems. They're all unique in what they require of me, but they all have one thing in common: a choice of whether I will wear them with confidence, or with fear of how they will affect me. What they might make me. What they might give or take of me. And will I be able to stay resolute, however long that might be?

I. can't. even.. begin to count how many times as just a mom alone I've felt unsure. And unsure is a light way of putting it. All new moms [& dads] can relate to the idea of being tasked with the job of keeping another brand new human alive, and raising it to be a housebroken, contributing member of society. You don't think that could make someone doubt themselves?

As a daughter, a sister [or any type of relative, really], it's easy to feel inadequate, especially if your family dynamic is less than storybook. As a wife, I may be confident that my husband loves me, but am I always sure that I'm living up to being the type of wife that was talked about in yesterday's entry [the noble wife]? While I may not fear it, I do know that we will both let each other down and perhaps unintentionally hurt each other throughout the rest of this life we've promised to live together.

As an athlete, especially in my sport [soccer], the moments are certainly more instant and fleeting, but have I ever doubted that I'd be the one to screw up a play? That I'd be the reason the other team found the back of the net? Yes and yes, probably a thousand or more times over, and sometimes so much so that I believed it, gave way to it, and made expensive mistakes.

At work, I have those that look to me, those that expect from me, and those that will either capitalize on my mistakes or be at a disadvantage when they come. Not if, but when. The corporate world is certainly a place where precision is key, and if you think that I've never had a day of uncertainty or at least maybe a strong second guess about an executive decision .. well, I do. Sometimes daily. Sometimes multiple times daily.

Confidence is such a delicate thing to hold onto while wearing multiple hats.
But then there is the matter of professing - of claiming - this verse. Will I do it robotically, or will I actually stake claim to it and own the words as I say them, with full and total confidence that the God of whom I speak is in fact everything I say He is.

I have to actively believe that my strength - my real strength, comes from my belief that I was created to be loved, to love and to not just allow, but train my heart to trust in the life that is found in faith.

And I want to. And every day is another day of intentional efforts to rely less on me, and more on Him. It sounds... romantic, maybe, but I can assure you that if you've ever really had to push through disappointment, anger, anxiety, loss... whatever, in order to actively choose light, then you know that it is a discipline not learned in one day. It'll take me a lifetime to come close, and that's all I can do on my own. So in the meantime, I'm going to let go, and let God. Because I do trust Him, and He will help me.

And you, too!

Happy Sunday, loves.

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 2: Confidence!

Of all the things I really wanted to do on a Saturday morning, I'd say getting out of bed and being at the BMV by 8am is not on among them. However, I can now add 'Be the first person that day to be serviced at the BMV' to the list - that's never been me before and until Sydni starts driving, I can assure you it won't ever be again.

The ladies at the BMV are so much friendlier first thing in the morning, having not been jaded by a day's worth of people standing in line right in front of them. They were so accommodating that they offered to retake my new driver's license picture, if I didn't like it [I waived the offer, but when does that ever happen?], and in under 10 minutes, I'd filled out new paperwork for my license name change, gotten the picture, received said license and renewed my plates for 2017.... all without having to leave and come back for any missing document. If there's anything I'll count as an accomplishment today, it's this, hah..

I came home for all of 15 more minutes, and while Rob was getting dressed, read today's verse on the list:

Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. [NLT]

Ok, so this one I use a little more frequently. Okay a lot. I use this one a lot. If you look over there to the right somewhere [on desktop view], I have it bannered as one of my mantra's. Why? Because it is everything that I hope to actually be and do, simultaneously.

If you dig a little into this section of Proverbs, you'll see that chapter 31 is a poetic epilogue outlining traits of a "noble wife." Leading up to verse 25, the chapter basically describes a woman of stalwart work ethic, discernment, compassion, integrity, dignity, patience, graciousness, determination, honor, commitment and bold humility. Like I said - GOALS.

So when v. 25 comes along and says that this noble wife [or woman, or really, man for that matter!] is clothed with strength and dignity, I imagine two characters:

One is a literal, fictional heroine, whose end destiny from page one was to discover that her seemingly mundane life was pre-calibrated to culminate in some box office 90-minutes of enthrallment, in which she realizes her mission is to save humanity. She allies with a carefully selected support cast to honorably defeat some previously invincible adversary, does so after decimating Chicago, L.A. or NYC [*sigh, again?] in a battle royale, and walks away with combat-resistant makeup remaining fully intact. Oh, and some type of military grade, fully functional leather bodysuit and high heeled boots. I swear, the wardrobe.. Who RUNS in heels? Hollywood has conditioned me, yeah. But anyway, that's the first image I see when I think of literally being "clothed" in strength and dignity.

And the other is also a very literal character, but one you'd more likely find on the Hallmark channel than on TBS. She's single young mother, disowned by family & friends who expected more from her. She's the same single mom who years later is fighting back a breakdown after her hours get cut one more time at that job she desperately needs to keep her and her kids in that 1 bedroom apartment. Or she's the executive mom who solely provides for her family, and in doing so, has to be reminded daily that her obligation will cost nearly all the precious time spent with them. She's maybe the married woman whose dream was to have children, but is now forcing herself to maintain when the doctors tell her she can't. Maybe she's the woman who's decided she doesn't want children, and faces the very real pressure and perhaps disdain of those around her for "being selfish." Or maybe she's somewhere in between all of that - she is the kid in any one of those scenarios. She's a homeless teenager. She's a college student paving her own way through and trying not to give in to the pressures of a broken world. She's going in for another round of chemo treatment that will make her sick for days after. She's losing herself in a damaging relationship. She's returned from war only to be staring down the barrel of PTSD every time she blinks.  Or yes, it could be that HE is any one of these things - father, son, brother, patriot, partner. HUMAN, swimming against the current of temptations to take shortcuts or the easy, crooked way out. The human that knows there is a fight worth waging, but is just.... tired.

And the latter - the people I encounter probably more often than I realize - these are who I've come to realize are truly, truly embodying the kind of strength and dignity I want to have. I want to be a woman whose strength is measured not only in her resolve, but in her resilience. In her tenacity. In the amount of hope she is ready to rely on when the ground gives out under her feet. And I do also want to live with dignity. Dignity is literally defined as speech or conduct indicative of one's respect, self-appreciation and noble character. They're not interchangeable, but instead are the perfectly balanced combination of bravery and humility. If I'm mindful of this, then my pride and ego have very little room to ruin a good - or worsen a bad - thing.

I heard recently that humble strength is just frankly more efficient, if nothing else, than strength of dominance will ever be. I see it as a sprint, versus a marathon. History should teach us that volatile, self-absorbed dictators very rarely had voluntary supporters, let alone reciprocated love. Yet those who actively lead by examples of selflessness and integrity, even and maybe especially in seasons of hardship, found respect, admiration and loyalty - often without asking for it, let alone demanding it. If you need a good example of someone like that [other than Christ], you could start with Mother Teresa.....

But moving on to the second half of this verse:

... and she laughs without fear of the future.

Do I though? Like, sometimes, yes, literally I do [out loud, for dramatic effect]. And then other times, if I'm being really honest with myself, the future scares me to the point where I start bringing up old things and creating new, ridiculous ones to freak out about. Hmm.. remember when the roof leaked at the rental house 3 addresses ago? Hope that doesn't happen again here.. Now, what if my brakes do go bad on my way to work? But what if a tree falls on the house? And whoa, what IF Sydni breaks her arm on the playground?!  What will we do when I get laid off from my job? < As you can see, I move quite swiftly in my head from wonder-worry to assuming all these things are inevitably happening, and I end up having started with a mild original concern about replacing car brakes to letting Web MD diagnose me as already dead. Get a grip, self.

Given that it's election season 2016 - and a particularly .... weird one at that, I think this second stanza is quite applicable. The context of this verse in the Bible is not really a command, but rather a statement, about the woman I want to be. She is - and I want to be - a woman whose future is not some roulette wheel of disasters, but rather an uncharted span of time that will feed her both joy and disappointment. She'll have good days and bad days, just like she does now, and she'll without a doubt make some more great and super-stupid choices. She'll hurt and get hurt, but she'll embrace her shortcomings and be intentional in not repeating the same mistakes.

And through it all, she'll do so because she IS clothed in strength and dignity. And she was clothed that way because she has trusted in the creator of her, and of who she is destined to become. In my own life, I've found happiness and reward through family, friends, work and play, but none that compares to knowing that at the end of the day, I am a child of Christ and I have a purpose bigger than a paycheck or a status. I am here because I was put here, to love other people where they are: strong in their own unique ways, dignified because we are both humans cut from the same fabric, and beautiful, because we both chose to get out of bed and face the good and the bad days.

I have been and will get hurt, and I have and will unfortunately hurt someone else.
I have given and received forgiveness, often unearned by human standards.

I did and do screw up, and I did and do recover.

I will and want to be noble, and I will and want to be called a good and faithful servant in the end.

And I am strong. And I have dignity. And I'm unafraid of tomorrow.
I pray the exact. same. thing. for you ♥

Love you, blogbots!

xo | cms

She Loves - Series Day 1: Everyday Encouragement

You guys.

It's been over a month since I last published an entry on here. That doesn't sound like much, but I was the girl committed to myself in an effort to visit my e-journal daily, if for no other purpose than for revisiting it later on if I was curious as to what I was doing a year ago on whatever day. Yeah, that's a silly reason, I know, but if I told you it had never helped me out in a moment of memory lapse, well, that'd be a lie. So I've struggled with the big old first world problem of lack of blog time, over really the last year or so. It's more to me than just a blog, really, it's the idea of journaling in general that I've back-burnered all together. Over the past week though, I went out and purchased a composition notebook, and forced myself to sit in complete silence until something..anything.. came out of the pen.

And I realized that my busy schedule wasn't the only issue. I could literally only think of meatless, surface things to say. Don't get me wrong, that's not always a bad thing, but there exists a span of years: 28plus, to be exact - of my life in which I was an avid, consistent journaler, both on paper and then in an e-format as well. I favor at times blogging, because both my mind and my typing fingers partner together at about triple the speed of my writing fingers.

That's my backwards way of apologizing to an audience that I guarantee doesn't really care about the fact that I haven't been keeping up with my daily blogs. Let's face it, it's really not this big of a deal.. *wry laugh. #firstworldproblems #ijustusedahashtagoutsideofinstagram....#again.

Whatever. So UPDATES, huh? What the heck have I been doing?
Well, as I scrolled back through the handful of entries I made between June and mid-September, I think for the most part, life has been a blur, but of the same things on repeat: Sydni's soccer games and practices, work day in and day out, volleyball, road trips, family and friends as much as life allows these days.

OH, and yeah.. that little detail that we GOT MARRIED!

mr. & mrs. stokes | est 08 Oct 2016

And gosh.. what a day that was! (When I get more pictures back, I'll for sure make a retro entry, because it was awesome and then some!) Here I am a day shy of 2 weeks after, feeling both like the wedding day was yesterday and yet a lifetime ago. The collection of married people we know all said that the day flies right by, and unfortunately I've been there once before to know that much can be true, but honestly, while our day did come and go in a flash, we made sure to live in every moment, and for that, it was the exact amount of time we needed.

Afterwards, we came home, back to real life, our house, our adult responsibilities, our dogs, our jobs and our life together now as a husband and wife. It is so similar to "before," and yet so different, which, if I'm honest, kinda baffles me, since our 'regular' life didn't really change. And yet... here I am, feeling more in love with this guy than I did yesterday, and a multitude of other sappy cliched amorous feelings toward my husband. Must be a newly-wed thing ;). 

Then last week-ish, I stumbled across a list of Bible verses geared towards women, compiled [careful not to say written.. haha] by a Marisa Donnelly, on ThoughtCatalog.com, a website I'd literally never heard of before. She'd tracked down 27 verses that had spoken to her - after reading it, it's actually 26, but one of them was listed twice in two different translations. It hit me that in the past, any seasons of writer's block I experienced were more easily dissuaded when I turned back to Scripture and opened my heart and mind to whatever application was tied to my life - in all its mess & beauty. 

So I've arrived now at the reason I finally opened the blog today. I have a renewed sense of reason and purpose to be on here, and I'm excited for it. I wanted to go down Marisa's list of verses, one at a time, one-a-day, and remind myself why I needed that verse, that day. We'll see if that holds true; while I read through the entire list once, I don't have it memorized, so each day will be something of a surprise, I guess? 

And five novels later [sorry], here we go: 

Psalm 46:5 - God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. (NIV)

Sidenote:  For those of you who've never cracked open a Bible before, I implore you to maybe find a Christian - a real-life, imperfect, broken, compassionate, every day Christian - and just... get to know them. Sure, some of the Bible is daunting, and at first glance might look like a manuscript of rules and regulations, but I can assure you, there is so. much. more to it. And If I happen to be that really screwed up, sin-ridden but undeservedly-loved Christian you need to talk to, you let me know.. and I'll let you know just how normal you probably are ;)! Adversely, for those of you who have this postered all over your house on everything from wall decals to coffee mugs, well, it's a good one.

Not the first time I've seen this verse, and it's admittedly not one of my "go-to's," either. It does however, apply in more than one way. See, at first glance, this is one of those lines that I see all over the place, usually in the context of an encouragement card or confidence boost for someone facing a difficult time. It carries that kind of absolute hope & strength of God's steadfast support for when we are tripping over ourselves and other people on our way to not drowning in hard times. It's [ok, most of these are, if I remember.. ] a feel-good verse for sure, and I'll admit I've leaned on it once or twice over the years. 

BUT, as I re-read it today to start this mini-series of my own, I realized that I personally will draw more depth from this if I remember that it applies to me on my very.best.day.EVER... as well as the days I feel like melted plastic. Seriously though: The past week and a half have been ah-mazing - work has gone smoothly, our home life has felt renewed since the wedding, we've had good fortune with cars and house and pets and kid and health and aaaall the pieces have just fallen into and stayed securely in place. And I wake up feeling positive about the little piece of time I have in this world, to recall this verse - this promise that the Lord of all creation is also with me?! To be not reminded, but re-assured, really, that He loves me.. loves my husband, loves my family, my marriage, my well-being and my mission as a human to share His calibur love? That HE is the timeless source of love, life and real, unfiltered happiness.. and that same HE.. has chosen to be with ME, and ensure that I do not fall farther than He can reach? Y'll.... just... y'all... Nobody deserves that kind of love, but the fact that we have it is pa-lenty reason to at least make an effort at a good day. 

And the effects of that realization on the good days are what will sustain me on those particularly bad days, when the ship sinks and I'm blind in dark waters with a piece of the sail stuck to my face. I've been there, you've been there, we've all been ugly crying over life & loss at some point. To fully download this verse in that moment, in the storm, really is impressive if I think about it... usually if I'm inconsolable, I'm.. well, inconsolable. You could read me every song in the book and my human sarcasm might take over, will it away as I might try. BUT, give me this guy on a day when I'm clear-headed, and it'll add to the emergency reserve I'll need when the rain comes. 

I don't know if today's a good day, or a bad day for you, or if you've got a well-balanced mix of them like I do. I don't know if you're here reading this because you're in a dry spell of bad luck, nasty people and pressure to fix things out of your control, or if you're sailing through reading this because you were curious. Or, if anyone's reading this at all. I said earlier that really, these are for tomorrow me to come back and read, when the time is right and I need reminded that a little thread of lucidity did exist that one time on a Friday. But wherever you are, and whatever season you're in, I'm pretty sure we could all use a little encouragement, to fill the tank. 

Happy WEEKEND, blogbots. 

xo | cms <<< and that's new, too.. yiee!

Omniscience.

Today made me happy. For a few reasons:

First, there was church.

Then there was barbeque.

And then soccer.

A homemade drop top guestbook.

Cleaning, laundry, wedding planning.

Snuggles & bedtime stories.

**************************************

So I wanted to talk about this whole mini-series that our Pastor has constructed for us, based on the concept of drones. Yes, drones - those all-seeing aerial cameras that have become so popular over the last several years.

Omniscience. I sat for the morning hour today and listened to things I already know, but decidedly needed put into short, concise bullet points for the taking. See, as we plow steadily through this final phase of wedding plans, I find myself not nervous, but anxious. I'm anxious! The "end" is in sight, and in another couple of blinks, it'll be upon us, and then it'll be over, and this flutter of loose ends will become a thing of the immediate past. The result will be a wonderful party with our closest friends and family, to commemorate the changing of my last name and two people making one promise of indivisible partnership for the rest of our lives.

I can't wait.

For now though, I'm anxious.

Why is that?!

One of the opening passages for this message today was Hebrews 4:13:

Nothing is all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Okay, so let's peel that apart like an onion:

1. There's not a door in the world that's either so thick or so tightly sealed to separate me from God.

2. I'm accountable, both in and out of sight.

3. He's not surprised by anything, and there's ab.so.lutely nothing that is too large a challenge for Him.
(This is a bigger onion, but we'll save the rest for another day.)

I thought about this as I sat among my church family, and realized that (once again), He was making a clear point to me about my anxiety and stress as I plan this wedding.

He sees all. He knows all. He has conquered all. Why then, do I worry? Why do I give in to the pressures of multi-tasking, logistics and coordination? It's not bad stress! It's a good thing, that we have a wedding to plan! It's incredible that we are getting married, and whatever work must be done to create our special day is worth it, no questions asked.

And as I think about what the future post-wedding looks like (which I tend to do at more often than I realize at this phase in the planning), I start to wander off into that field of weeds where uncertainty grows like vines, over rocky ground. Today I was reminded that it's not my job to know the future. It's not my job to carry the past. It's my job only to trust in Him, and accept that whatever He has planned for me, and whatever He has led me through before, is part of the big picture of my time on this earth.

He. Is. Omniscient.
And I am not.
And that, is how I'll start this week.

xo | cmd 

I've Been There.

This one's a little intense.

Little known fact that I'm about to share with you guys.. and a note that I'm just.. putting out in the universe, so to speak, for the girl who reminded me this morning of the places I've been and the places I won't be returning to.

Dear Sara*
*Yes, I changed her name.

You served me coffee earlier this morning, at a place I visit nearly every morning for the same reason: coffee. You were friendly, polite and you smiled. At face value, it was as mundane an interaction as could be for a morning in line for coffee. But here's the thing: Your smile looked tired. Beyond that, you had two very clear, very dark bruises beneath each of your eyes.

Sara, for all I know, those could very well have come from softball. You could've been in a bad car accident recently, and the glasses you wear could've been forced into your face. I have no idea, and while I hope to assume the best in other humans, the reality is often the opposite. So I say this to you: If those bruises came from the hands of another human, well.. know this:

I have been there. I have seen knuckles coming at my face, and I've felt them make contact. I've been shoved. I've been kicked. I've had my back against the railing of a 4th story fire escape, wondering if I'd be pushed over it.  Fortunately, that was the one and the only time that I ever actually thought it might be over. But it wasn't. I hit rock bottom that day, and realized that everything I'd dealt with: every hurtful word, every scratch and bruise, all the money I invested into makeup at the last minute to cover up those scratches. Every time I blamed myself for not being the right type of person to someone who, in the reality of it, really wasn't even worthy of me on my worst day.

Sara, if you feel like that's a self-righteous way to feel, or an entitled thing to say... you're right, it certainly does feel like that when you're living in that moment. It does feel like perhaps you're being selfish, or unappreciative. It feels uncertain, and therefore an even scarier prospect to explore than staying right where you are. 

But I can also say this: That doesn't mean it's wrong. 

In fact, it's very much the opposite. You've probably been told by people who know you far better than me that it's time to get out of that. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. You should walk away. A thousand other solicited and unsolicited bits of advice have likely been handed to you, but maybe nothing more than that, because that would take someone out of their safe zone. 

You should know something: My advice to you means nothing, because well, you don't know me. What I can tell you with absolute truth though, is that you are beautiful. You are alive (and should have a vested interest in keeping it that way!), and you are strong. You are stronger than any and all of this, and while you might not see it in this moment, you really are capable of all the things you've denied yourself for however long it's been. 

Sara, I'll be back to see you probably tomorrow sometime, both because coffee is part of my morning routine, but also because I want you to know that I am here (because I fought for it), and I want to help you. I won't push, but please know that in meantime, I'm praying for you - that if it's not me you choose to confide in, that at least it's someone who is truly willing to help you remember just how worth it you are. 

It's a beautiful day, blogbots - take time today to encourage someone around you - you never know - you could be changing someone's life! 

Peace, Love & Praise ♥

xo | cmd