"Thanks?" : The PSA.

I'm just gonna leave this here, with the hopes that if you have any questions about why this isn't okay, you'll ask someone to explain it to you.

Also, word of the day: Inept.


We're halfway there, guys. Happy Wednesday ♥

xo | cms

FixSkin: Keloid Treatment Update

Confession: I stopped using this stuff consistently for about 2-3 weeks, and I really wish I hadn't. Bad lapse in my self-discipline, but we'll lead with that and I'll tell you what it is I'm talking about:

I have keloids. It's not life-threatening, so don't worry (if you were), and they're not contagious, either (just so ya know). Keloids by medical definition are the result of my body over-producing granulation tissue and collagen. To me, that means my body is an outta-control super-healer that has no concept of moderation.

But seriously. Keloids aren't fun. I'm one of what I'm finding to be a larger-than-expected number of people who "suffer" from them. I put that in quotes because I wouldn't dare say suffer in the same context as someone whose ailment is literally life-threatening. This isn't one of those things, and I won't pretend it is, at least not for me. Every case is different. Fortunately, mine have been somewhat limited and if I'm intentional about controlling them, I can.

SO this is (was) me:

"was," meaning this was me in october 2017
"is," meaning i'm still here ;)

october 2017

My keloids are contained mostly to the upper region of my chest and shoulders. Depending on how many keloids you've seen or had, these may look bad or they might look like no big deal. Having lived with them, I'll tell you that those are both accurate. A couple of them hurt. It's not unusual for them to itch, or feel like pin pricks (usually at convenient times like 3am). I've been through a number of treatment options in the last 16+ years, and only a handful of them worked - minimally, at that. In that time, I've been teased, stared at.. and believe it or not, have had more than a few encounters with random people who think it okay to just touch one while asking, "what is that?" (I know....). My point? I've had these suckers for my entire late adolescent and adult life. It's uncomfortable, on several levels: physically, mentally, socially at times... still.

I made a new friend through the power of online community (in a scar forum, specifically), who recommended I check out FixSkin.

FixSkin is a naturopathic product that uses essential oils to their full potential by combining them against the bacteria that spurs keloid growth. I was skeptical about this at first, but it was $60 that I would've just spent on something else, so I figured I didn't have too much to lose. I ordered online, they delivered, and there we were:

they come as a pair

The bottle on the left is the toner. This goes on first; it opens the pores and primes the area for the serum to do its work. I found that after a few uses, I could feel the toner immediately after putting it on. It's not the most pleasant sensation, but it's far from unbearable.

The serum then goes on after that. The instructions tell you to use your fingers for application; I opt for Qtips but whatever works. For the first month, I was really good about 2x daily, without question or miss. I noticed a huge difference within just the first few weeks. Look, I'm not paid to say this stuff, but I will tell you that it works.

I got away from it during November and December; I did a lot of traveling, wasn't diligent about using it twice a day, and on a couple of getaways forgot to take the stuff with me all together. Right around Christmas, I got back on track, and I've been doing both steps regularly, twice a day.

Week 1: This scar was very solid, hard to the touch and sensitive. This particular one is just smaller than a dime. 

Week 3: I noticed a subtle difference in the area around the scar. The edges started blurring and seemed to be pushing inward, meaning that the bulk of the scar is (slowly) dissolving. 

January 2018: I took these today. The lighting was a little different today, but I can tell a noticeable difference in the shape, size and protrusion. It's hard to capture the dimensional view of these scars, but this one is flattening, as well as fading, bit by bit. 

^ Ok. So this one at first glance is a little harder to gauge, but I posted it to highlight the fact that this stuff works, as long as you USE it, and don't otherwise mess with your scars. 

Week 1: Solid, very raised, sore. 

Week 3: flattened a surprising amount. 

January 2018: I'll be the first to say it looks like week 3 should've come after today's picture, in terms of progress.. maybe it's just me but it looks that way in the picture. However, today's picture came after a day of messing with the scar, throughout a stressful day at work (which also doesn't help). It is a little inflamed in today's picture. But again, it has been consistently flattening, with the edges blurring more and more. The bottom scar is barely visible most days, compared to the one above it. I'll try and update another day of this one, to show the true progress. 

I also post that to remind anyone out there dealing with keloid treatment that there will be plenty of days that might make it seem like your regimen isn't working. Be patient, and make sure you're also making any necessary adjustments to your diet to go along with the topical treatments. It's taken much experimentation on my end over the years, and I am always open to suggestions. 

For now, I'm thankful for what progress I do have, and hopefully I'll have even better news in a few months. 

Hang in there, Keloid Kids. You're beautiful. 

xo | cms 

Worship & Winter Walks

First things first, WELCOME BACK, Josh!!

We've been waiting anxiously for weeks for Josh to be well enough to return and take up his spot on the praise team. While we'd adjusted to his absence, having him back today was the best way we could've started the service. Oh, and we brought out the instruments to celebrate :)

we're all here! ♥

rehearsal time :) 

We headed home after church, where I threw in a load of laundry, made a couple eggs and did a quick change to head out for a quick hike with Jess & Bumper.

stella didn't feel like going.. 

i was hungry?

let's go, bumper! 

East Fork was pleasantly quiet today, with the exception of a few mountain bikers and one couple hiking with their dog. Jess, Bump and I took to the Harsha Lake circuit - today was the perfect day for it.

hi jess!

william harsha lake | east fork state park | ohio

(and the masses ((and I)) said yes.)

all the while knowing full well i wasn't going anywhere..

cold but happy ♥

Earlier this morning at church, Chad emphasized the idea that in walking with someone, we have the opportunity to find true transparency. He referenced the amount of time Jesus spent walking - physically - with His disciples. With strangers. With the outcast. With everyone. They walked and talked with each other. Some of the Bible's most iconic characters became such as a result of the relationships they developed while literally walking.

I was reminded today how thankful I was to be present in that moment, with one of my close friends. I'm thankful for her insight, conversation and what she has already given me as a friend. We talked at length about what 2018 looks like for us individually, and agreed that we've both put self-love on the list of things we intend to pursue this year. Self-love. Self-care. Self-inspection. More investing into the things that really fuel us, rather than the things that deplete us.

It's something I'll build on as the year gets underway, but today was a secluded eye-opener as we marched through the woods alongside the frozen stream bed and sunlight. Today though, I'm grateful for the praise team and church family who continue to walk through life with each other, and for my beautiful friend Jess, who walked with me today and obliged real, life talk. I really do have much more than I've earned.

Oh, and I made some banana bread that's Whole30 APPROVED, so if y'all would like the recipe, well.. it's the easiest thing you'll make this week, so just ask :)

It's back to work tomorrow, and I think I'm ready.
January, you're lookin' okay so far. :)

xo | cms

Friday Book Review: The Chalk Man

We made it to the first Friday of 2018! Only 51 more to go! YES, I Googled that!

Aaaanyway...
Let me tell you how I am spending said first Friday:

botm! 

Yes, that's right. My social life - be jealous - takes a nice hard plunge in the winter months, save for the intermittent trips to the trails, the mountain and/or the gym. Yes guys, that's the exciting life and times of yours truly.

My excuse tonight was that tomorrow is going to be a long day, and I was fine flying under the radar tonight. My days of two-in-a-row are rare, and besides, I'm committing to Whole30 so my options while I'm out are limited.

AAAAND, I have lots and lots of anticipated reads on which to catch up!
I finally started The Blinds (Adam Sternbergh), after flying through The Chalk Man (CJ Tudor).

the chalk man | cj tudor

So I'm not the best at book reviews, primarily because I don't ever write them (good reason, right?).

If you haven't read this, and have an interest in doing so BEFORE I spoil the whole thing for you, this would be a good time for me to do the initial sign off for you. See you tomorrow ;)

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Still with me? 

Last warning: Spoilers Ahead :) 

Ok so I got this book through BOTM. I have a friend who has the unfortunate monthly task of blindly selecting which book I have them send, but he got a break this time around when the list came out and I read the first line of the synopsis: "If you're a fan of Stranger Things,...." 

Say no more: Selected. I intentionally avoided all the GoodReads reviews, although I was itching to dig into why this book has an average rating of 4.5 stars, with over 10k reviews across a couple different sites. Now I see why. 

FIRST: I have a really hard time acknowledging that this is C.J. Tudor's debut book. If you didn't know that, it'd be easy to assume she's had at least a couple under her belt. She has - in my opinion - an excellent grasp on prose, character development, plot twists and ability to convey something truly gruesome without emptying a well of gory descriptives. 

"The girl's head rested on a small pile of orange-and-brown leaves."

^ The first line of the first page. Read on? YES, I think I will! 

This is a book with five core characters: Eddie, Gav, Nikki, Hoppo & Mike - a set of friends who share a rupturing experience from their adolescence together. It toggles back and forth between the then (1986) and the now (2016), and fills in the gaps along the way. The book itself opens up with the event around which the rest of the book seems to revolve. 

1986: Tudor paints a picture that is so easy to feel: Five kids living life in the prime of the 80's - riding bikes, meeting at the playground, hanging out at the local small-town hotspots and being blissfully unassuming about what life in the long run might look like. And then there's an accident, followed by a morbid discovery, and things get progressively weird after that. 

2016: We fast forward to Eddie - who is now Ed - who is now a middle-aged teacher residing in the same house in which he grew up. He's constantly haunted by and continually processing the past and the people in it. And as Tudor writes it, it feels.so.relatable. 

Back and forth between 1986 and 2016, we learn that the title is derived from the chalk man drawings that, in their childhood, were a form of communication between the friends, and in their adult lives, seem to keep appearing as haunting messages and warnings.

1986, when the kids go to the fair and the accident leaves a girl half maimed: missing her leg and half her face. Enter in Mr. Halloran, the albino teacher with strange tendencies and awareness, to whom Eddie seems to gravitate throughout the early part of his story (not the story).  Then later in that same year to the final discovery of the body in the woods, and a series of other events: abuse, false allegations and secrets that highlight the nature in which skeletons from the most unlikely closets are revealed on the stages of small community towns. The kids start to disband - a timeline that is steadily unraveled throughout the book, quite consistently and clearly, even through the pattern of time toggling.

2016: Back to Eddie as an adult. He's got a housemate, Chloe, who Tudor paints for us as a wayfaring girl with sharp edges, alternative haircut and a seemingly soft spot for Eddie. They have a platonic relationship as co-inhabitants, despite the age and social gaps between them. Chloe, we learn, has an ulterior agenda all her own, which unsurprisingly ties her together with Eddie and his past, but surprisingly not in the way I would've expected. Again, Tudor with a plot twist win. The characters from Eddie's past resurface in their respective adult forms: Hoppo & Gav, Nikki, Mike. We find out Gav is in a wheelchair. Nikki has disowned her father. Mike... well, Mike's story ends in the same way his brother's did much earlier in the story.

By the end of this book, I had that weird sense of tingly achievement - the one where you've figured it out and feel like you should've seen it all coming before you got to the last sentence. Really, I did nothing but read through what Tudor laid out, but dangit, I wanted more. I wanted to immediately hand the book to the closest human to me and demand they READ IT NOW. 

Character & plot development: Thank heavens for the absence of static characters and story line. Literally there's nothing worse for me than a set of stagnant character who learn zilch and do nothing but exist for 3-400+ pages in a plot that doesn't go anywhere.

Prose, construction, composition: I'm pretty sure that when I try to do this, it looks like the plot from Memento, but like, drunk. Seriously. I've never used the word toggling more in one blog entry, but that's exactly what Tudor's done with this, and she does it with a precision that I kindasortadefinitely envy.

Overall: 100% I recommend this book. It's in the Thriller/Mystery genre, and while I don't know how much I'd call it a relative of Stranger Things, it is certainly strange, suspenseful and capturing. It's a quickish read, at 352 pages and relatively short, easy-to-conquer individual chapters.

Oh, and here's C.J. Tudor talking about the book, if you're into that :) 

And there ya have it! My Friday night, as a book review. Whew. Now I remember why I don't do reviews often.. haha.

I'm on a war path to find some good reads for 2018, so if you're here, if you've made it this far, feel free to leave a suggestion of something you loved in 2017 (or beyond!) that I can add to that list.

For now, I'm off to dig into this Sternbergh read. Maybe I'll review that, too... later. ;)

Happy weekend, blogbots!

xo | cms

DO. THE. THING!

Well this is backdated a few hours, because well.. it just is.

ANYWAY - Look ya'll, it's a NEW year, so that means new things, for everyone! (Apparently today was a busy day; I'll get to that.)

Rewind to Christmas day, when an add popped up on Instagram from a tattoo artist in Cincinnati. That turned into me emailing from the car, and a short string of correspondence that then lead booking an appointment the next week.

Just. DO. THE. THING, right?!

ready to go do the thing! 

And so I did the thing! I emailed him three concept pictures, two of which were pulled out of the Pinterest black hole, and one was of his own work, because I needed his brand of line work and detail to be part of this.

Fast forward to now (well, last night, technically), when I walked into GUTS in Price Hill, where I'd hang out for the next five hours. Oh, and GUTS stands for Get Up Tattoo Society. GUTS :).

goodbye naked arm!

stencil on

FINISHED!

♥♥♥♥

The obvious MVP of the night here was Austin, for giving me the first large tattoo I'll have.. and for having the lightest hand I've ever experienced during a tattoo. The other MVP's were the handful of people who made themselves available to talk me out of my pre-chair nerves and hold conversation with me throughout that 5-hour session: You guys are the best.

But just before 11:30, we wrapped up work.. and Ta-Daaaaa!

phase one is done! 

The fact that I got there at 6pm was most definitely a good thing; I would've been there for 13 hours probably, if I'd been allowed, and my arm would've been wrapped entirely when I walked out. Oh well - gives me a good reason to go back!

While I was there, Britta was in Chicago getting her septum pierced!

septum!

Brandi was getting a bunch of hair cut off...

(she's pretty either way, duh!)

So naturally, I'm now mulling over piercings and drastic haircuts, in addition to the design for the next phase of my sleeve. I'm open to suggestions!

Cheers to all of us and all of you who are doing new things to start this year!

xo | cms

Attitude of Gratitude

Confession: I still to this day misspell that word almost every single time, not excluding the time just now when I typed it as part of the title for this post. #consistency #gratitude #nodoubleTs

So I sat down at work this morning and instinctively reached for a pen and a post-it note. It's something I conditioned myself to doing once I started back here at the East office, and is a practice that I've been on-again-off-again consistent with over the past couple years. Okay, so maybe more off-again, and then just off.... but we're here now so let's just stay here. :) I had very good reasons - a long list of them, actually - to fuel me to keeping a momento nope that's a movie, MEMENTO-style bank of the little things. 

Some were little. Some were pretty big. I wrote one on the sticky side of a post-it on whatever day it crossed my mind, folded it up and dropped it in a jar on my desk, where the idea was that it would stay with the others until the end of the year. 

gratitudes!
& cairn deco because i exist one sub box at a time, still..... ;) 

^ A small collection, but the truth is, I didn't unearth the jar itself from my office relocation project until the end of August, so I didn't re-start this for the bajillionth time until September. And even then, I don't contribute daily, although it's a habit I wouldn't mind having. 

Before the work day started, I cleared the jar and made fresh space for starting over in 2018. I didn't have time to read them all, but I pulled a few out at random and read them: 

Like I said, all over the place, but I found that if I can slow down for just that moment even, that it takes to write it down and throw it in with the rest, I've given it my attention. I know full well that I take for granted many of the little things that have come my way. I also know that I'll never be able to stop and write every single one of them down in real time. I can plan to, but what I do know is that my plans are more often than not the first round rough draft of what actually happens, and nine outta ten times, I'm glad my version didn't go to print. It's the big things, and the little ones, and whatever happens in between that I'm thankful for (it's cliche, I know, I know.....); I mean that because at the end of it, the blessings outperform the challenges, even if the latter brings friends :). 

So today wasn't a perfect day, but it wasn't the worst one I've ever had, so that's a start. I can't promise I'll want to feel so optimistic for the next 362 days that we've got left in 2018, but I can promise that if I have a reason to be grateful, I'll do my best to recognize it. And as long as I'm above ground, I'll always have a reason ♥.

xo | cms

Letting Go of ME (A 2017 Archive)

Happy Monday TUESDAY, blogbots!

I started rummaging through old unpublished entries on here last night, and I came across this one, about Panama. I thought I'd go for it, since I haven’t yet and it’s been nearly six full months since we got back from the 2017 trip. In the midst of all the other stuff I never got around to documenting, this too fell by the wayside, and that’s not okay.

One of the things that hit me as I was looking back through the first couple days of pictures from the 2017 trip, is how much I really took for granted this time around. Even two months later, some of the finite details had just then registered with me. This, just as any other missions trip, could have gone way worse. Could’ve had serious logistic hurdles. Could’ve, for all we knew, been a complete disaster. But it wasn’t. I’m looking back six months and feeling for the first time, a real gratitude for how that trip turned out.

I’ve been to Panama twice now, and am more cognizant of how those two trips varied:

2015: Rewind almost three(ish) years ago, to when I stepped off my front porch at 3am with my hiking pack and loaded into the van with Chris, Aaron, Marissa and Quinn, for my first Panamanian trip. I was nervous – not in an overwhelming way, but in a way that made me hyper-aware of committing every last detail to memory. I had no idea what to expect. My team, as far as I was concerned at that point, consisted of the people in that van. A confession I’ll make now is that while we sat by the gates at CVG, I penned an open letter to nobody in particular, just in case something were to happen.

That was the state of my heart as I boarded the first plane to New Jersey. That was my focus. I’d completely lost sight in that moment of why I was there in the first place. I got on the plane and cried. We were less than two total hours into the trip and I was already a mess – nerves compounded with disappointment in myself for allowing the doubt to creep in. And then I prayed. For the remainder of that first leg, I prayed. I praised. I made a mental list of and thanked God for each person on the team, in the seats beside me. For our church family who’d backed us. For the missionaries who would be responsible for us while we were there. For our families back home, who would be doing life per usual for the week that we were gone.

equipo ♥♥
suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And then I prayed that He would, if nothing else on that trip, help me to live in the moment.
And that is exactly what happened. I spent a week tucked into the side of a remote Ngobe village serving the most incredible families, to whom I am eternally indebted for what they taught me about myself in the process. I came home with an entire journal filled with memories. With moments. With names of new lifelong friends, and places and feelings and descriptions. With notes for my future self. Ways I’d been challenged, and truths I’d realized. I came home and re-lived that trip for months. The foundation had been laid in my heart for Panama, for MG3, for the Vega family, for the Ngobe people. I knew I would be back.

suiche, panama | ngobe reservation | 2015

And I’d only arrived at that place because I finally let go of me, and let God move.

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7

 

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MAY/JUNE 2017: Forward to 2017’s trip. Chris had made attempts in 2016 to form a team, but for reasons I’ll never know, it didn’t happen. We accepted that, and started praying for whatever 2017 might hold. It was February when the plans were finally announced for Lightpoint to be sending its inaugural team of missionaries out of the country. We were to be that team. We barely became a full team; a few who expressed initial interest ended up unable to commit, at least for this year. I prayed and again propositioned Marianne, who’d been unable to go in 2016, in hopes that maybe.. just maybe.. this year would work.

And she WAS. And so was her boyfriend, Derrek. And so we became a team of four: Chris, Mare, Derrek and myself. Chris had orchestrated with Todd, a pastor from Crosspoint Church in Cleveland, for the four of us to rendezvous with his team before we got to Panama. We accepted that at face value, and took diligently then to our weekly FaceTime conference calls, where Chris was able to connect with Mare & Derrek and lead us as a team to prepare for Panama 2017.

Approaching the 2017 trip, I was confident of an exponentially higher number of things than I’d been in 2015. Marianne is my best friend, Derrek is her boyfriend, and I’ve had two more years to really get to know Chris and his family. Our international team consisted of people that were no longer strangers to me, and I felt at peace knowing that all the new faces of this expedition would still come with the familiar.

We flew from Cincinnati to Atlanta on the first morning out, and met there with Todd's team, which was a compilation of members from Crosspoint in Cleveland, and then two other couples from Todd's hometown church in Benton, AR (Holland Chapel). Together we had managed to rally 3 churches and 3 different states' worth of teammates, combining for the first time in the Atlanta airport just hours before we were to embark on a pack-only hike into one of the most remote areas of another country.

Now's not the time for Trust Issues. 

We touched down in Panama and seemed as though we didn't stop moving until we got back off the plane seven days later back in Cincinnati. Already a much different pace than 2015. Remembering what I'd eaten 2 hours in the past was a task, let alone compartmentalizing each of the days, and what they stood to represent. For all I can say, this trip was a blur. In a good way, but a blur no less.

team vermoncinnati ;) - chris, cori, derrek, mare
en route to balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation | 2017

To nobody's surprise, I took literally a couple thousand pictures, but I'll admit that I am really seeing some of these pictures for the first time, even now. I'm recalling the hours we spent dragging our bags off the bus and stuffing them back on again. Of how we all adjusted to our surroundings, and became wholly reliant on translators to speak in Ngabe on our behalf. How we trusted each other without question, and set foot onto the mountains for hours of hiking into a village.

Letting go of myself on a trip like this is not an option. The difference in how I had to let myself go on this year's Panama adventure was equal yet nearly opposite the way I had to before.

It's something I struggle with obviously on the missions field, but absolutely and frequently off that map, too. And if there was ever a weekday built to test my resolve, it's a Monday, dressed up as TUESDAY. Today really didn't prove to be one of those days, I guess, but I know they're very real, and that separating myself from the voices of control, inadequacy and guilt that I am often prone to hearing is often harder done than said.

2017 equipo : ngabe, esp, eeu
balsa/algorrobo, panama | ngobe reservation outset | 2017

I'm posting this now, because as I set the stage for my 2018, it includes reflecting on a prompt I'd obviously had one day halfway through 2017. I don't know why I didn't post this in its entirety originally (when I first wrote it, in July 2017), but I'm posting now to give myself something to look back on even a week from now, when I'm not feeling particularly sentimental about this the way I am today. I have no idea what 2018 holds, what the Panama trip will look like this year, and although I'm not wired to trust easily, I know there are bigger plans in motion than my doubt. It's a tough pill to swallow, but that's a part of the journey that's just as crucial as being along for the ride. My only real wish, believe it or not, is to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone on the next trip that I have no choice but to stare down whatever two options there are, knowing both will catalyze me in a permanent, hopefully positive way.

With all of that being said, any and all prayers would be hugely appreciated as we work through orchestrating this year's trip. It will be a completely different trip, if I understand it correctly, but hey.. I'm in. :)

xo | cms