I've posted this verse quite a bit over the past few months. It's been playing in my head like a song on repeat, and I know it's earned its credit as an integral part of my sustained sanity through everything.
A lot of people lately have been asking,
"How ARE you doing?"
To answer that: YES.
....
Yes, I'm doing.
One of them caught me unexpectedly, and from the look on my face, responded to my speechless answer:
"It's going to be okay. You are one of the STRONGEST WOMEN I've ever met."
Hmmm.
In a couple of days, I'm making the final move back to Ohio, into a new house, to a new Express office, and starting the process of rebuilding stability into my life. It's been a daunting task: packing, cleaning, storing, donating, hours of driving to and from Ohio, and house-hunting,
remotely. On more than one occasion, I sat in a pathetic heap either on the floor or the couch, feeling defeated, overwhelmed, sad, anxious, excited, angry and just about every other emotion in between. I've cried myself to sleep, I've skipped sleep all together, and reached more than once a state of sheer mental exhaustion.
Sounds dramatic. In hindsight, now that I'm nearing the
home stretch, if you wanna call it that, it all came together in its own time, but I won't dare say it was anything close to easy.
So we're clear,
THIS is the fuel for everything I do:
 |
| there is nothing greater to move me....... |
This. Little. Girl..... has revolutionized my entire life, from top to bottom and inside out. There's nothing that can rival a parent's love for their child, and it's HER that I see every time I close my eyes to escape the blur of everything that's happening when they're open. She is my peace, my reason and my motivation to leave a life that is otherwise going juuuuust... swimmingly. There has been a HUGE gap in my heart over the past few months without her by my side at the end of each day. I cannot begin to explain the ache of not seeing or talking to her every day, but I'm comforted in knowing that that will end after this weekend.
That alone makes everything else seem trivial.
LESSON 1: Never discount the power of a child. More importantly, never let the stray opinions of
anyone else on how much that child is valued by you, dictate how you react, how you function, or what you believe. The critics will always have something to say, especially those with lofty theories and only half of the story. My daughter is my first priority; she is the reason I work, the reason I grit through conversations with people I'd otherwise avoid, the reason I stay awake alone watching Disney and Nickelodeon long after she's passed out on my arm so as not to wake her. She is my world, a driving force stronger in her miniature state than any other motivator I've ever had. I've learned more real, life-applicable principles from my 3-year-old than I did from half of my college professors. Go. Figure. The
STRONG WOMAN knows the power of her child's influence, and listens to it with
all she is: ears, mind
and heart.
I've held off on the move this long only to maintain a source of income until the new office is open. That.. is now.. The new office - my new home - starts in full swing on Monday next week. The owners called me this week inviting me to lunch; they were shocked that I was still here, in Illinois, working, and that I'd not taken a week off to adjust. They remarked that my first Express franchisee was correct in his evaluation on me being a workhorse. All I could do was sigh and realize that it's true. I am not gloating by any stretch, but I will say that if there's anything I do know about myself, it's that I will pour everything I have into things about which I am passionate. If they give back, I do the same. If it burns me, then it was by my own indescretion that I find the fault.
There are several things I've concluded in the past few months, both by the course of experience in the process of remotely facilitating a two-state move, and by a few people who've more recently crossed my path.
Rob made an off-hand remark,
"It's funny how the best people come from the worst situations."
I guess we kind of always subconsciously recognize that, but I never acknowledged it in that simple format until he said that. I immediately thought of Marianne, who came into my life less than six months ago, but in that time has done wonders to restoring my faith in the ideals of being a
STRONG WOMAN.
Marianne's got a story behind who she is and
where she is now that rattled me to the bones when I heard it. It made me furious, sad and empathetic to the cause behind all the untold stories of truth out there. It reminded me that we live in a world with a skewed justice system, but that there are still a few brave sentinals willing to stand for what's right and just, on our behalves, even when we don't ask them to do it. She's overcome more than I think I could in a short amount of time, but beyond that, she's
ready and
willing to put it all behind her.
LESSON 2: That's not to say
forget it happened. I think that's been one of the hardest lines for me to distinguish. There is such a finite balance between laying a traumatic chapter to rest and trying to forget it ever happened. I owe a lot to Marianne for inadvertently helping me absorb the beneift of
both. Seems simple enough in theory, but putting that to practice is always another thing. The things that have shaped me are not necessarily the things on which I want to dwell daily, but they have shaped me in one way or another and in that regard I appreciate the ugly for making the beautiful ... well,
beautiful. I believe that a
STRONG WOMAN is capable of doing this, and is fortified even more by it.
Then there's Rob.
Whether I like to admit it or not, I think in the back of my mind I always knew I'd have the luck of being an exception to that age old mantra,
"Opposites Attract."
..... I tried that. It didn't work. I look at Rob, at the person he is, and realize he's the male version of me. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I've had my fair share of failed dating relationships, ultimately culminating in a failed marriage. I am NOT proud of that, but in months of deep introspection, it dawned on me that I'd ordered my priorities backwards. I had made it my mission to fit the mold of what someone else wanted, rather than pursue someone who would appreciate me for everything I already was: faults and all. Rob is not only a striking resemblence of myself: personality, disposition, interests, goals, etc., but sees my downfalls and in spite of them makes it a point that I understand how much those don't matter to him. For that reason, yes, I whole-heartedly mean it: I love him.
LESSON 3: Again, with the walking of fine lines: Of
course I know there are things in relationships that will drive the other person nuts - be it a small habit of nuissance or a defining element that needs to be considered either admissable as is, or accepted contingent on a total overhaul. I put way too much stock into accepting things for the way they were, thinking, "I can handle this," and at the same time that equal amount of effort into re-defining myself to fit the ideal picture of what the other person wanted, expected,... needed. It fell apart every time, in a weirdly organic way - like a tree in a forest weighed down repetively over time by storm damage, snow, tainted soil. Things may look mighty on the outside, but decaying quickly on the inside: eventually it came crashing down, because I was trying to force a square pin through a circular mold. I'm 28 now and embarrassed that it took me this long to figure it out that way, but it's not too late and for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I've found a fellow square. No longer do I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, and I feel thoroughly appreciated for
EVERYthing I am AND am not,
no strings attached. I believe a
STRONG WOMAN can delineate between these lines, and moving forward, that will be me.
With or without a boyfriend or significant other of some fashion, I am a human, and by default am therefore imbedded with the innate need for companionship of
some sort. This is where my support system, primarily close friends and family, have been vital. Close friends. Let me repeat that. I used to scoff at being called out for referring to people as "friends," when really all they were were acquaintences from school, sports, work, whatever.
LESSON 4: The difference between "friends," and
friends. I'm still fuzzy on it sometimes, but a small indicator of my progress [sounds frivelous, here goes...] is that in the last year, I've thinned at least 600 people off my Facebook list of "friends." For you social media geeks, that's a big step. More realistic than that though, I've also isolated out a handful of people I know I can trust, not just with silly things like secrets or passwords, but with those deep-seeded thoughts I'm so horrible at sharing in the first place, my emotions, and even at times, the well-being of my daughter in the form of babysitters. I thought I was
"strong" before, edified by an arsenal of people - "friends" - I soon found were only available on the sunny days. Nothing says reality check like falling apart and learning who's going to stick around on your worst days. What's crucial at this point is not defaulting to a state of self-pity, but instead becoming cognizent of your own strength, and not flailing stupidly around until the first available person comes along to help. I'm not drowning. BUT, I'm not above seeking wisdom, advice and sometimes just a solid shoulder to cry or lean on at times. I'm learning that REAL strength comes from the relationships we build with our
friends. I've developed a heightened, rooted sense of appreciation for the girls and guys who have decided my crazy self is worth the drama, because they know I'll return that favor the minute they need it. I believe a
STRONG WOMAN knows the difference and lives by an even blend of caution and unconditional love... and I will strive to do the same. I dedicate this lesson learned to those who have done this for me: you know who you are.
Ever heard this? -
"Today you are you, this is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!" - Dr. Suess
I'm pretty sure we've all heard that, at
least a couple times. I've had a liiiiiiittle time lately to reflect on exactly what that means, in terms of the direction I will dedicate myself to following when I set foot back in Cincinnati for the
fourth time. This applies to every facet of my life: my faith, my job, my role as a parent, my friends, my sports,.... everything. I have more of a say in things than I care to acknowledge most of the time; by no means am I a a control freak, but I have determined that silence or omittance doesn't always prove the best route. I will choose my battles, yes, and I will approach them with the best dignity I have, but I won't let them string me along like I've done before. This is my story, and by the direction of prayer and my own determination, I'm going to write it the way
I want it.
LESSON 5:
True story. That's really all there is to it, and if there's anything I believe, it's that a
STRONG WOMAN will take this challenge by the horns and run the world with it. That's exactly what I plan on doing. Sure, it's easier said than done, but then again, nothing worth having is really ever all that easy to get.
I AM:
A daughter. A sister. A mother.
A believer in God's saving grace.
A failure. A success. Both, at different times.
A lover. An advocate. A representative.
A wreck. A masterpiece. Together, balanced.
A friend. A girlfriend. An athlete. A colleague.
An imperfect traveller on an imperfect journey.
I'll keep ya posted.
Until then, be
strong women [& men], folks. (:
Love, & more love to you & yours....
xo |
cmd
