When You're Here, But Not....

Today was a wonderful day, really. It was. I had my family by my side and spent the day in each other's company. I am in love with every second of it, but today there was also a part of me that I've realized I will forever wrestle with:

truth, truth, truth. 

I found that somewhere on the web, but it's a perfect summation of what my heart is feeling right now. I've been back from Panama for over a week now, but my heart aches to go back, for just one more day there in that village with the children and the families. With my SonRise team. With our Vega leaders and their support team. I want to return with Rob and Sydni; to show them the raw, unaltered beauty that I experienced on that mountain. To open my daughter's eyes to a world beyond the idea of immediate and constant worldly gratification we have here. To plant in her heart that vision of sharing Christ to the ends of the earth and loving people for their souls, not their image, clothing and titles like we do here.

I am grateful, actually.. for this feeling. I know it means that I came back with a conviction on my heart. With a passion I'd forgotten that I had. I already miss them, yes.. but I know I will see them again.

One of my favorite newer songs is by Audrey Assad; it's called Restless, and today it has reeled through my mind at least a dozen times if not more:

audrey assad lyrics - restless 

Lord, let me never forget what you've done in my heart in the last couple of weeks. Let that change me forever, and let me relentlessly pursue you, the way you pursue me.

Amen, Amen, AMEN.

xo | cmd

Irony of Bad Timing

did i just quote that? yes. yes, i did.

 I was doing some house cleaning a few days back [more like house expunging, but who's judging...], and I ran across one of the many notebooks I kept in the process of college. Being that I studied English and the art of literature, I have all sorts of ramblings from song lyrics to spoken word to pages on which I did nothing more but write out a certain word until I either spelled it correctly or decided to just wing it with what I had.

Anyway, this is one of the ones I found, circa 2003. Funny how relevence is circular, even in varied context:

****
Well that didn't go as I'd planned.

Planning's never been a forte of mine, past present and unassumingly futuristic.

And here I envisioned not my lackadaisical retreat,
but instead a fervent drive to make it mine.
To keep what's mine.

For you, and for me.

At my own expense, I'm fast losing faith in realizations,

and that the fight uphill

could have easily be averted by holding myself accountable.

Accountable to the undeniable reality that time is constant.

Timing is a derivation of time, and neither of us are on speaking terms.

This wasn't your fault. 

It wasn't much mine either, other than I neglected time. 

In laments terms, 

imperfectly perfect you, this was just bad timing.
****

 Haha. Oh, the angst, lol. I laugh at that now for a few different reasons: the first and most obvious because it's entirely relevent to now. The other reason is because that particular exerpt, in context, had nothing to do with a person. That was based on an opportunity on which I'd missed, because of my own idiotic tendencies, totally unrelated to anyone at all. Reading that now, I know I personified that event just to make myself even more miserable. Girls do that, too. Silly pre-twenties me.

I have a track record of bad timing. Haha. Maybe I'll add that to that irrelevent list of New Years' Resolutions that I disregard each year until about October-ish. ;) Again, timing's not my strongsuit.

Happens. Oh, and yes, I did just repost a tumblr quote from Carly Rae Jepsen.

I'll judge myself, too, thanks. Haha.
I think I need a vacation.

xo | cmd