That didn't happen until about 1:30 AM [yeah, busters, this is backdated.... DEAL w/ it]..
At this very second, I'm exhausted in every facet of the word; this is sure to be blunt.... I have a history of exposing those nerves when my filters are down.
Here's the thing:
Without divulging too much about where I am on an emotional play-by-play, I'll start by saying that I have about a million +1 faults on which I need to start focusing. I know none of us are perfect, but then again I've always believed that to be a term relative to the eyes of each individual beholder. Even so, I am, generically speaking, still a stone's throw outside of what most people would think to be even close to that.
I'm a freaking mess.
+ I've been attracting company.
+ I'm paying for it now.
I'm still brushing off the grains of sand left over from that clogged hourglass that finally busted in my hands. I couldn't save my marriage, but what was worse was that I spent an exorbitant amount of time just existing within the walls of something that I'd already vacated emotionally. I'm still not sold on what's worse: failing to maintain that type of committment, or failing to admit the reality of it being too late to salvage. Jury's out, indefinitely.
And then there's the risk of idling at a state of emotional nothingness: it's an ugly form of purgatory in which I kind of floated around for months, feeling no hint of yearning, endearment or otherwise descriptive form of attachment to anyone at all in a romantic capacity. Not my husband, but not anyone outside of it all, either. I'm no stranger to internalizing my thoughts, for the sake of exposing some sort of nerve that could unravel me to the core if the wrong person were to touch it, I usually just disappear to that weird corner of my brain that's silent. Either way, I shut down like a seasonal summer job and laid off all those little emotional workers until further notice.
That's always when I get blindsided. You'd think by now I would've learned. Patterns are only patterns if they happen the same way more than once.
Tonight I had to confront a demon of mine that had previously been restrained on the other side of an moat-encircled titanium fortress. I don't feel like shoveling all of the details word-for-word here, but I will summarize it by reminding myself that maturity is acquired by experience, and with enough of it, can be applied even unwillingly to situations that aren't going my way. As I sat avoiding eye contact with someone who is essentially my personality counterpart in dude form, I admitted to me that I had stepped outside that fortress and essentially kayaked across the moat just to lay on the grass and wait for the bugs to bite. There are other people out here besides me, and I am better at observing than actually being observed. It boils down to a respect issue; I think of what I would desire if the tables were turned and I were her and she were me, and my conscience takes over. It makes me sick to hurt people, but above that I start to loathe myself when I impose regret on other people. GOOD PEOPLE.
Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, even though I've been shushed for it.
Letting go is hard.
Walking away is harder.
Getting in the car and leaving is demonstrated strength. [Thank you.]
- An acknowledging half-smile for you if you've been there.
It 's way too late for me to be attempting to translate the encrypted codes my head and my heart are exchanging. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and execute a plan of channeling myself wholly into my work, which has always proved to be beneficial [for which I'm grateful]; my most productive days are the ones I'm trying to avoid altogether.. haha. [Laugh with me here; I'm not self-destructive!]
Head over Heart = WIN.
I still have my friend. That's all that matters.
Sometimes that doesn't even happen.
Life's GOOD.
xo | cmd
