The Reason I've Not Mowed the Lawn [Yet.]

There are two things of which I am absolutely terrified.
One is irrational, and the other is.. semi-irrational at best, but still very legitimate in my head.

The first, and thankfully irrelevent in this case: clowns. I loathe all things clown-esque. I said that this was my irrational fear. The internet tells me this is called Coulrophobia; I don't care whether or not it's been assigned a psuedo-medical term or not, it's no joke in my world. I hate clowns [not the people under them, but the idea of them, the appearance of them, and just about every other creepy thing about them].

But it is my other, equally-daunting fear is the reason for my consternation today.

a-men.

I am an absolute arachnophobic. I'm self-diagnosed, yeah, but I don't need a doctor to tell me that I hate spiders. I don't just hate them, I actually fear them. Ok, not all of them - I mean I don't think I've ever been skiddish of Daddy Long Legs.... but if I'm being honest, the buck stops there. For the rest of them, NO. THANK. YOU.

To illustrate this for you:

Here is an exaggerated statement of how many people can see spiders [or at least those who are complacent at most to their existence]:

And then, there's me, and the mode into which my body immediately transforms, involuntarily:

yes.
when i see a spider, i become a dying character from a sci-fi movie...

Now, before all of you entomologists jump on this and discredit my fears, let me just tell you this. I have tried multiple times to find some sort of middle ground with spiders. I try this a lot; for examples, I'm not a fan of pickles or tomatoes, but every once in a while, I approach one with an open mind thinking things might have changed. I still don't like pickles or tomatoes. Since spiders have this way of staring back at me and twitching unpredictably, I've started to believe it's a lost cause.

IN MY DEFENSE? I've owned pythons, five 6" piranhas, and even a rather testy little chameleon [don't let anyone fool you, those things can be mean], with no issues. I'm not squeamish really of any other creatures quite the way I am with spiders. I don't... know... what it is.

That being said, a couple of weekends ago, I swung open my front door only to be confronted by a spider the size of a quarter. I'm not exaggerating. The reason I know this, is because I saw either the same culprit or one of its cohorts guarding the entrance to my backyard shed.

And heeeeeere comes the point of this rant:

i have named him vladimir.
he is vladimir the likely-misunderstood-but-still-unwelcomed visitor.

I haven't mowed my lawn yet, because when I went out to do just that this evening, I was met with a cobweb the size of a trash can lid [note: webs I do not mind; in fact, I think they're beautiful..]. Not only did I not want to disturb such intricate weaving, but I quickly spotted its owner: a fat, fuzzy [which are the worst, fyi], glassy-eyed savage who I just know was waiting for me to move an inch before it sprung into attack mode. Call me episodic, but let's be honest, it was enough to deter me from getting the mower, so I'm here re-grouping, and committing to do this another day.. at that time probably with a broom and a very large tsinila [Filipinos everywhere just died a little.. haha] in hand.

I'm glad my shed is secluded in my backyard, away from the public eye that would otherwise easily witness me fleeing in Godzilla-like terror if that thing touches me.

So, with that being said, here I shall remain parked for at least the next few minutes, researching pictures of spiders in an attempt to correctly identify which one is lurking outside my house and patrolling my shed. So, if you'll excuuuuuuse me, I'm off to write up a battle plan.

Oh, it's on.

xo | cmd